Cliff Floyd, 1992 Bowman

Name: Cliff Floyd
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 50 cents on his 40, homie
Key 1991 stat: Walked outside his house dressed like that without falling on his face in embarrassment
Cliff Floyd dunked a baseball in 1992; some of his other athletic accomplishments:

• He kicked a field goal with a soccer ball.
• He threw a pingpong ball into a soccer net.
• He beat a fully outfitted hockey goalie in a potato sack race.
• He slowly fanned himself with a tennis racquet to cool down.
• He won a horse race during a polo match.
• He ate a badminton shuttlecock without getting ill. 

Cliff Floyd, 1992 Bowman

Shawn Kemp, 1991-92 Skybox (Another (face palm) Basketball Week No. 6)

Name: Shawn Kemp (Not "Fat Shawn Kemp," that's a blog)
Team: Seattle SuperSonics
Positions: Power forward, father of 64
Value of card: 64 children sired
Conversation between two basketball card-collecting kids in 1991: 

Kid No. 1: "Wow, this is so radical! Look at those awesome graphics! They must have made it with one of those new computers. How'd they make a basketball with a comet tail! Wow! Look at those tubular arrows! Awesome! What a bodacious light-blue rectangle! This card must've been sent from the future! Whoa!"
Kid No. 2: "I read in Sports Illustrated that Shawn Kemp has fathered dozens of children across the nation and has failed to pay child support to many of their mothers."
Kid No. 1: "Radical! These computer graphics make it look like he's flying! Awesome!"

Shawn Kemp, 1991-92 Skybox (Another (face palm) Basketball Week No. 6)

Michael Jordan, 1990-91 Fleer (Another (face-palm) Basketball Week No. 2)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Air
Key 1989-90 stat: $32.7 billion made from endorsements
It's time for a dunk-worthy dose of The Caption, which we're told was featured in a Chicagoland newspaper in 1990: "Nike, Hanes, Gatorade, Chevrolet, Rayovac, McDonald's, Coca-Cola, MCI, Ball Park Franks and Wheaties pitchman and Chicago Bulls shooting guard Michael Jordan dunks a basketball during a game in Chicago against the New York Knicks, whose team members stand motionless in astonishment while gazing upon His Airness as he humiliates them once again with his tongue hanging out of his mouth like a certain costumed rock god Sunday."

Michael Jordan, 1990-91 Fleer (Another (face-palm) Basketball Week No. 2)

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Fleer Slam Dunk (Air Jordan Week No. 5)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Positions: Shooting guard, on Patrick Ewing's back
Value of card: Two tokens for piggyback rides at the county fair
Key 1991-92 stat: 76 times dominating Patrick Ewing
Michael Jordan's train of thought, 7:45 to 7:46 p.m. Feb. 18, 1993: "OK, dribbling down the court, past Mark Jackson, past John Starks. Oh, Ewing's in the way. Well, I'm just going to have to jump over that huge mountain of man. Here it goes. Oh, gross! Gross! Gross! Gross! Gross! Gross! So. Much. Sweat. My shorts are sopping wet. I feel like I'm pressed up against a manatee. Oh, lord. Now I'm stuck. Ewing's sweat is binding me to his back. My mesh shorts and his mesh jersey are becoming one. I feel his sweat inundating my pores. Now I'm sweating. This is so disgusting. Focus, Air, focus. I still have to score. OK, big boy, walk me down toward the hoop. That's the way, Ewing. And, dunk. Score. The sweatiest, stinkiest two points of my career. Now to burn my shorts."

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Fleer Slam Dunk (Air Jordan Week No. 5)

Shawn Kemp, 1991-92 Upper Deck (Basketball Art Week No. 3)

Name: Shawn Kemp

Team: Seattle SuperSonics

Position: Power forward

Value of card: 4 ounces of sweat squeezed from spandex shorts

Key 1990-91 stat: 47 children fathered

10 art critiques of the "Kemp, A Contradiction" piece:

10) "A bold work, full of bravado and mustache."

9) "It's as if the piece soaks the viewer in the sweat of Kemp."

8) "How can one man jump and stand at the same time? That is the power of this piece."

7) "His flat top is at once flat and pointed, as are the questions arisen by this piece."

6) "He, Kemp, is a man aching, both from the weight of fans' dreams and that of his gut."

5) "I'd say, the depth of this piece is felt by the stench one thinks he is smelling."

4) "His head is nearly within the net — a stunning metaphor, especially for the disabled."

3) "He is a man bathed in green and yellow, yet hasn't bathed in weeks."

2) "Will Giant Shawn Kemp eat Dunking Shawn Kemp? That is the mystery."

1) "Why'd this guy forget to draw Shawn Kemp's butt, yo?"

Shawn Kemp, 1991-92 Upper Deck (Basketball Art Week No. 3)