Randall Cunningham, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 62)

Name: Randall Cunningham
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Lots of leg
Key 1992 stat: One surgically repaired knee
Top 10 things about this card:

10) The mustache
9) The cinderblock wall
8) The T-shirt
7) The rehab machine/torture device
6) The panic button atop the rehab machine/torture device
5) The flat-top
4) The stare-at-my-crotch poster
3) The shorts
2) The shorts
1) Definitely the shorts

Randall Cunningham, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 62)

Rich Kotite, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 6)

Name: Rich Kotite
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Head coach
Value of card: 8 pounds of eagle droppings
Key 1990 stat: 164 stripes on his sweater
Here's what Eagles head coach Rich Kotite stands for:

Rich in sweaters, not in love
Itchy as anyone in America in this outfit
Cardigan? Not on your life, pal
Has wool running through his veins

Knit was more than a description of his outerwear; it was a way of life
Outside he's warm; inside, a cold, cold man
Turtleneck alert! Turtleneck alert!
Inspired hundreds of Philadelphia-area mothers to embarrass their kids in similar sweaters
Traded season tickets for a lint roller
Each strand of sweater, a statement in early 1990s fashion

Rich Kotite, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 6)

Buddy Ryan, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 188)

Name: Buddy Ryan
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Head coach
Value of card: One pair of Buddy's used thermal underpants
Key 1990 stat: Dressed like this all year long
A handful of nicknames for the comically cold Buddy Ryan:

• Buddy the Elf
• Kermit the Hog
• The Not-Very-Jolly Green Giant
• The Four-Ton Clover
• Buddy "I Can Barely Touch My Hands Together" Ryan
• The Green Gobbler
• Not Your Buddy, Guy
• The Incredible Bulk

Buddy Ryan, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 188)

Tom Dempsey, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 178)

Name: Tom Dempsey
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Big, fat kicker
Value of card: The grease at the bottom of a used McDonald's bag
Key 1972 stat: Played for an actual NFL team
Look and admire: This, ladies and gentlemen, is a professional athlete. Stand in awe of the grace, the power, the talent, the tight-fitting pants. See how his second chin helps steady his head as he lines up his kick. Admire the way his little hoof-like foot rises higher than his mega-sideburn, bowl-cut hairdo and into the sky, pointing in the direction he wants the ball to go. You don't think kickers are real football players? Well, Mr. Tom Dempsey would like to have a word with you      right after he finishes his second cheesesteak.

Tom Dempsey, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 178)

Randall Cunningham, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 7)

Name: Randall Cunningham, aka "Rocket Man"
Team: Fear-adelphia Eagles
Positions: Quarterback, shooting high through the air
Value of card: 11 dead birds (rotting ones)
Key 1993 splat: Zero completions with a metal football
Fun facts about Elton "Rocket Man" John and Randall "Rocket Man" Cunningham:

• "Rocket Man" Elton was a performer who wore flamboyant clothes made especially for him. "Rocket Man" Randall was a performer who wore flamboyant clothes made exclusively from trash.
• "Rocket Man" Elton has more than 40 top-10 hits. "Rocket Man" Randall has sustained more than his share of hits.
• "Rocket Man" Elton is known for songs including "Candle in the Wind" and "Bennie and the Jets." "Rocket Man" Randall is known for breaking wind and beating the Jets.
• "Rocket Man" Elton is an award-winning singer, songwriter, pianist and composer with English roots. "Rocket Man" Randall speaks English.
• "Rocket Man" Elton's ostentatious outfits included wide-brimmed hats and high-heeled shoes. "Rocket Man" Randall's above outfit includes a garbage-can hat and one shoe that doubled as an iron lung.

Randall Cunningham, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 7)

Mike Schad, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 22)

Name: Mike Schad
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Offensive line
Value of card: 6 ounces of eagle droppings
Key 1990 stat: 14 returns home to Canada
It's Super Bowl Sunday       time for a statue-vs.-human edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Intelligence (Winner: Nameless statue)
Round 2: Rock-hard muscles (Winner: Schad)
Round 3: Sense of humor (Winner: Nameless statue)
Round 4: Rock-hard mullet (Winner: Schad)
Round 5: Looks (Winner: Nameless statue)
Round 6: Rock-hard bulge (Winner: Schad)
Round 7: Charisma (Winner: Nameless statue)

Score: Nameless statue 4, Schad 3, Ties 0

Synopsis: Mike Schad — the only Canadian college football player to be drafted in the first round of the NFL draft — might have been "rock hard," but a statue made of bronze proved too hard to beat.

Mike Schad, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 22)

Bill Bradley, 1974 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 143)

Name: Bill Bradley
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Safety
Value of card: $14.95 coupon for shower drain unclogging
Key 1973 stat: 26 disco infernos
Introducing ... The Soaring Mushroom®: Few men are authors, style mavens and all-pro football players, but Bill Bradley was such a man. Bradley was not the author of books, but of vicious hits and a signature hairstyle. Of course, no one can forget The GreatScott®,  The Greasy Earmuffs® or The SaberMullet®, three all-time classics. But Bradley broke the mold by growing a hairdo that looked like it was formed in a mold, and his contribution to the world of high hair fashion lives on till this day. The Soaring Mushroom®'s utility lies in its curls; they cradle the head and act as protection from injury. Bradley understood this better than anyone, having never worn a helmet during his football career. Besides its functional benefits, the Soaring Mushroom® is glamorous. It whisks its wearer away to a fantasyland of slight breezes, shirtless gladiators and contemptuous fungi. It elicits long-hidden emotions that encourage a man to grow a bushy mustache to more resemble a schnauzer. It helps Eagles — especially safetys — soar. And it doesn't at all make a 1970s tough guy look like a 1990s unfunny comedian.

Bill Bradley, 1974 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 143)

Jim McMahon, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 8)

Name: Jim McMahon
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Gagging on the douche-osity of it all
Key 1991 stat: Wore Zubaz the other 364 days that year, too
Fun facts about quarterback Jim McMahon and the teams he played for in his career:

• The teams of BYU, where McMahon played his college ball, are called the Cougars. Jim McMahon has spent time with other cougars, as well.
• The 1986 Chicago Bears had a big-time defense. Jim McMahon was a big-time d-bag.
• Those '86 Bears had only one blemish on their record       a loss to the Dolphins. McMahon is using his jacket to cover up the only blemish on his T-shirt, where he spilled some tuna salad.
• The 1991 Philadelphia Eagles knocked off the eventual Super Bowl champ Redskins in Week 17. McMahon's "Rolex" watch was also a knock-off.
• The 1993 Minnesota Vikings played nine of their games inside domes. McMahon wore those obnoxious sunglasses the whole time anyway.

Jim McMahon, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 8)

Randall Cunningham, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 110)

Name: Randall Cunningham
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: You know how much oxygen is in space? That much money.
Key 1991 stat: They were all out of this world
Breaking down this Randall Cunningham card by the numbers:

3: Nondescript planets that look about as dead as the Eagles' current season
3 (again): Footballs, two of which don't appear to be obeying any laws of physics
2: Towels hanging from Cunningham's belt, tastefully covering his bulge
6: Faraway galaxies seen. Whoops, make that five. One of them is just some Parmesean cheese we spilled on the card.
1: Huge cobweb that Cunningham is trapped in. Hopefully his helmet and pads will protect him from the giant space spider that made that thing.

Randall Cunningham, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 110)

Bill Bergey, 1980 Topps (Football Friday No. 47)

Name: Bill "The Bulge" Bergey

Team: Philadelphia Eagles

Position: Middle Linebacker

Value of card: If you adjust for (crotch) inflation, 2 cents

Key 1979 stat: One awkward dance before each game

10 things that could be stuffed down Bill Bergey's pants:

10) 66-pound cup

9) A mediocre baseball card blog's cup

8) A disco ball that's prompting him to dance

7) All the NFL's Astroturf

6) Shoulder pads for his "buddies"

5) The gameday football, and two other balls

4) A living, breathing eagle

3) A living, breathing Eagles player

2) An identical bulge to the disguised man behind him

1) Another beard

Bill Bergey, 1980 Topps (Football Friday No. 47)

Jerome Brown, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 22)

Name: Jerome Brown

Team: Philadelphia Eagles

Position: Defensive tackle

Value of card: Three squares of toilet paper

Key 1989 stat: 10 awful smells wrapped into one

Quite a price for a play: Jerome Brown played hard. He'd do anything to make a play. This zeal was witnessed during a 1989 Philadelphia Eagles-Washington Redskins game when the defensive tackle crammed his face into quarterback Doug Williams' rear end to secure a third-down tackle. Lucky for Brown, this defining moment will live on forever thanks to the crack Score photography team. Too often early 1990s football cards showed interior linemen on sidelines with steam rising from their heads, or down on a knee, trying to lift themselves from a dogpile. But here, in all its glory, scores of American children were given the chance to see a 300-pound man with his nose, mouth, lips and chin jammed into the sweat-sopped backside of a 35-year-old Super Bowl champion. As Brown remarked after the game, "It smelled of sweat, crap, rotten fish, a rest stop mop, an amputee stump, crap, desperation, defeat, crap and a Sahara nomad's jock strap, and it tasted worse, but I made the play, and we won." So did the children of this great nation.

Jerome Brown, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 22)