Dennis Eckersley, 1993 Score All-Star Team

Name: Dennis Eckersley
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Closer
Value of card: Even trade for Bazooka Joe comic, circa 1992, wrapped around chewed gum
Key 1991 stat: 42,312 brush strokes (huh-huh)
What a work of art: His mustache, luxurious. His mullet's gleam, blinding. His Eddie Bauer style, legendary even at Yanni concerts. Dennis Eckersley was the portrait of class on and off the field in the late 1980s and early 1990s, which is why he made such a graceful subject of a self-portrait. The Hall of Famer composed the painting on the above card, getting lost in a painstaking attention to detail and a rigid adherence to a truthful depiction of his physical features. As you can see, Eckersley's chin has a phallic shape and protrudes a few feet from his face, just as it did in real life. He wears pillow cases tied with twine around his feet and his legs are shorter than his arms. All documented facts. He has elephantiasis of the cheekbones and a head bigger than his torso. Also, he craps stars. The one thing Eckersley forgot to include in this esteemed artwork: the eight tentacles found in his octopus bulge.

Dennis Eckersley, 1993 Score All-Star Team

Dennis Eckersley, 1993 Studio

Name: Dennis Eckersley

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Closer

Value of card: 16 ecks (12 million ecks equals $1)

Key 1992 stat: 11 awards for mullet

Dennis Eckersley's dating profile, circa 1993

Screen name: ecksondeck69

Age: 47

Height: Tall enough

Weight: Heavy where it counts

Hair color: Flowing

Hairstyle: Glorious

Ethnicity: From the Mullet tribe of the Czech Republic

Want children? Ha!

Past relationships: Ask your sister

Best feature: Bulge

Smoke? Just smokin' fastballs

Drink? Just whatever's left in the 'stache

Seeking: Bedroom favors

Location: Preferably not on the corner — preferably

Her height: No dwarfs

Her body type: Tight as a curveball's spin

Her ethnicity: Skin like a leather handbag

About me: Well, hello, ladies. They call me the Eck, and I'm looking for a wreck, a wreck like you. You see this baseball? How would you like me to sign this for you, then throw it really, really fast? My baseball skills are well-known, but it's my bedroom skills I think you'll be interested in. See this mustache? Want to try it on for a few minutes? It'll only cost you a lip lock. Muah. What's that? You're a little jealous of my flowing man mane? Ha, well, that's OK. Everyone is. Let's cut the chit-chat. You. Me. A pile of one-dollar bills. Lost amid a hurricane of hair. You want to play ball with me? Just get in the box, and let me get into yours.

Dennis Eckersley, 1993 Studio

Dennis Eckersley, 1988 Donruss

Names: Dennis Eckersley, Dennis Eckersley's mustache

Team: Oakland A's
Positions: Closer, mustache
Value of card: The hair from a clogged drain
Key 1987 stat: Three inches of handlebar
Fun facts about Dennis Eckersley and his mustache:

• Dennis Eckersley had a 3.03 ERA in 1987. His mustache had a 9.3 rating in Mustache Fancy Magazine.
• Eckersley had a posse made of his teammates. His mustache had a posse made of his mullet.
• Eckersley K'd batters. His mustache slayed the ladies.
• Eckersley has a dumb look on his face in this photo, but his mustache always looked smart.
• There's nobody in the stands behind Eckersley in this photo. That's because everyone had circled around for a view of his lip warmer.
• Eckersley was born Oct. 3, 1954. His mustache was born two days later.

Dennis Eckersley, 1988 Donruss

Dennis Eckersley, 1991 Studio

Name: Dennis Eckersley

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Closer

Value of card: Fifteen pounds of hair

Key 1990 stat: No expression

Dennis Eckersley's train of thought from 4:27 to 4:28 p.m., Feb. 17, 1991: "God, I hate Studio. It's bad enough they don't have any color film. Then they ask us ballplayers to do all these ridiculous things! Look, I'm not going to kiss a bat. I'm not going to laugh like an idiot. And I'm sure as hell not going to cup any balls. I'm just going to sit here with my arms crossed and look totally normal. (Pause) Ah crap, I forgot to wax my mullet!"

Dennis Eckersley, 1991 Studio

Dennis Eckersley, 1993 Score Dream Team

Name: Dennis Eckersley, aka Yanni
Team: Oakland A's
Positions: Closer, musician
Value of card: Two drums of sepia toner
Key 1992 stat: One moonlighting gig
Music of the heart: Having become one of baseball's pre-eminent relief pitchers, Dennis Eckersley began searching for a new challenge in 1992, seeking to satisfy a creative itch. He tried his hand at painting, sculpting, writing and acting, but wasn't adept at any of them. But when he sat down at a piano that December, he realized what had been missing. Eckersley quickly mastered the instrument and formed a band that played his favorite style of music: new age. He began wearing bad sweaters over button-up shirts and completed the look with khakis and a leather jacket. Performing under the stage name Yanni, Eckersley's band took off in popularity, though his smugness, flowing hair and massive lip brush also earned their share of revilement. But his baseball skills suffered as a result, and Eckersley realized he could never have both worlds. He stopped touring and eventually faked Yanni's death in a bear-related accident in 1995.

Dennis Eckersley, 1993 Score Dream Team

Dennis Eckersley, 1981 Topps

Name: Dennis Eckersley
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One hair net
Key 1980 stat: Eight-month shampoo advertising campaign
Dennis Eckersley here for Prell: "After throwing heat for nine innings with a ballcap on, my hair is a fright by the time I reach the locker room. But no matter how much sweat, dirt and pine tar ends up in my locks, I know that Prell will hit a home run every time. Prell gives my hair the luster and full-bodiedness I need, whether I'm heading out for an evening on the town or just putting it up in curlers for the night. Prell also keeps my mustache looking full, soft and radiant, even after weeks on the road. Just ask my ex-wife. [Eckersley grows agitated] Sure, she left me for a teammate two years ago, but I bet that heartless wench still misses running her hands through my shining mane and lip warmer. Tramp! [Ten-second pause as Eckersley fumes] Just trust me, OK? Even against Dennis Eckersley, Prell never strikes out."

Dennis Eckersley, 1981 Topps

Dennis Eckersley, 1994 Fleer Ultra Firemen

Name: Dennis Eckersley

Team: Oakland A's

Positions: Closer, Fireman

Value of card: Too hot to judge

Key 1993 stat: 67 runners hosed at plate

Too much heat for one card: You may have noticed there's a giant fire engine behind Dennis Eckersley. Why? Well, in baseball jargon of yesteryear, a team's closer was called a "fireman" by approximately 14 people in the United States, including a White Sox announcer, an executive at Fleer and a guy named Frank from Brooklyn. But forget that bit of engine trivia. This card is full of useful tidbits you can share with friends. Some examples: Who's the perfect closer to be identified as a 1980s-era "fireman"? Why, Eck, of course. In the '80s, it was required by law in 39 states that every fireman had to sport a thick mustache. Eck, as you can see, is showing off a beaut'. Another: What was the required hairstyle for a closer in 1994? Obviously, the answer is mullet, and Eck's hairdo trumps notable coifs from closers Jeff Montgomery, Mitch Williams and Rod Beck. And, finally, what do you do when you're handed an octopus instead of a rosin bag on the mound? Well, if you're Eck, you stuff it down your pants, as evidenced by the disturbing bulge that nearly obscures the 40-foot-long fire engine.

Dennis Eckersley, 1994 Fleer Ultra Firemen