Patrick Ewing, 1993-94 NBA Hoops (Another (face-palm) Basketball Week No. 3)

Name: Patrickman, aka Patrick Ewing
Team: New York Knicks
Positions: Center, flying through future space
Value of card: Space junk
Key 1993-94 stat: Hem of shorts higher than crotch of shorts
Another literal translation: Because there's no way to tell exactly what is supposed to be happening in this illustration of "Patrickman," here's our best guess. Patrickman lived on a red sun that had clouds made of popcorn and was inhabited by those things from "The Matrix." The only way to defeat these sentient machines was to make a 1-foot jump shot in outer space. Should he do this, he would have his pick of green planets on which he could live out his days in peace. However, the machines tried everything they could to prevent his escape, including ripping his shorts up so high that they could give him a colonoscopy. Did Patrickman make this close-range shot? Let's just say that those tentacles made it up to his neck.

Patrick Ewing, 1993-94 NBA Hoops (Another (face-palm) Basketball Week No. 3)

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Fleer Slam Dunk (Air Jordan Week No. 5)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Positions: Shooting guard, on Patrick Ewing's back
Value of card: Two tokens for piggyback rides at the county fair
Key 1991-92 stat: 76 times dominating Patrick Ewing
Michael Jordan's train of thought, 7:45 to 7:46 p.m. Feb. 18, 1993: "OK, dribbling down the court, past Mark Jackson, past John Starks. Oh, Ewing's in the way. Well, I'm just going to have to jump over that huge mountain of man. Here it goes. Oh, gross! Gross! Gross! Gross! Gross! Gross! So. Much. Sweat. My shorts are sopping wet. I feel like I'm pressed up against a manatee. Oh, lord. Now I'm stuck. Ewing's sweat is binding me to his back. My mesh shorts and his mesh jersey are becoming one. I feel his sweat inundating my pores. Now I'm sweating. This is so disgusting. Focus, Air, focus. I still have to score. OK, big boy, walk me down toward the hoop. That's the way, Ewing. And, dunk. Score. The sweatiest, stinkiest two points of my career. Now to burn my shorts."

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Fleer Slam Dunk (Air Jordan Week No. 5)

Patrick Ewing, 1990-91 Skybox (NBA Draft Week No. 6)

Name: Patrick Chewing Ewing
Team: New York Knicks
Position: Center
Value of card: Dried sweat
Key 1990-91 stat: One floating hoop
Thoughts on the 1990-91 SkyBox set: The 1990-91 SkyBox set was frickin' awesome. Gone were the days of boring old basketball cards, what with the players just dribbling or passing or dunking. Now we had the future: our favorite hoops stars dribbling or passing or dunking IN FRONT OF EXCITING, COLORED GEOMETRIC SHAPES!!! Plus, the basketball was usually glowing to some extent. Hell, even white-baller all-star Kurt Rambis got fired up for that.
Thoughts on Patrick Ewing: Patrick Ewing's knees were made of glass and cardboard, as well as some sort of insulation that made him sweat constantly. It was all very unfortunate.

Patrick Ewing, 1990-91 Skybox (NBA Draft Week No. 6)