Razor Shines, 1986 Topps

Name: Razor Shines
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Infielder
Value of card: Tetanus
Key 1985 stat: .120 batting average
Not so shiny: Today we present to you Razor Shines, a man who lived life on the edge. He was a sharp dresser who wouldn't be caught dead in short sleeves, let alone cut-offs. Razor was also well-shorn, with a mustache that made the ladies swoon and sideburns so keen they were considered lethal weapons in 17 states and three Canadian provinces. But if there was one slice of life that held Razor back, it was baseball. No matter how hard he tried to hone his skills, he could never pierce the starting lineup. He was dull on the basepaths and his swing was rusty. He spent four years with the Expos, posting a slash line of .185/.239/.198, numbers that hacked off his coach. So it was that in 1987, the inevitable happened: Razor was cut.

Razor Shines, 1986 Topps

Wayne Twitchell, 1979 Topps

Name: Wayne Twitchell
Team: Montreal Expos
Positions: Pitcher, child of the night
Value of card: One drop of blood on your new shirt
Key 1978 stat: Two sharp fangs
It's a Canadian Caption, which possibly ran in the Montreal Gazette circa 1979: "Expos pitcher and known vampire Wayne Twitchell attempts to shield his eyes from the sun shortly before turning to dust after mistakenly taking the field during daylight hours at spring training Tuesday in Daytona Beach, Fla. Twitchell, who had been undead since the early 15th century, ventured outside Tuesday morning after mishearing a conversation about bloody marys, only to be destroyed by the harsh light of day."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Wayne Twitchell, 1979 Topps

Mike Aldrete, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Mike Aldrete
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Outfield in the logo; infield on the card
Value of card: It's low; way lowwwwwwww
Key 1989 stat: 2,861 people staring at him when he walked around Old Montreal like this
It's time for a Canadian pop quiz:

Just how low did Mike Aldrete go?

(A) So low, any lower and his bulge would have scraped the ground.
(B) So low, his knees locked and he was stuck in this position for the rest of his life.
(C) So low, it distracted fans from seeing he was constantly making an inappropriate gesture with his fist moving back and forth toward his cheek.
(D) So low, it was lower than the value of this card.
(E) All of the above.

Mike Aldrete, 1990 Upper Deck

Terry Francona, Brad Mills, Bryn Smith, 1982 Topps

Names: Terry Francona, Brad Mills, Bryn Smith
Team: Montreal Expos
Positions: Outfield, third base, pitcher
Value of card: One Canadian penny
Key 1981 stat: All impressed by something off to their right
It's time for a north-of-the-border Matchup:

Round 1: Too manly for actual vowels in first name (Winner: Smith)
Round 2: Too manly for baby blue uniforms (Winner: Mills)
Round 3: Future as a World Series-winning manager (Winner: Francona)
Round 4: Future as Nolan Ryan's record-setting strikeout victim (Winner: Mills)
Round 5: Future as an international mustache-growing competitor (Winner: Smith)
Round 6: Future as an Atrocious Donruss Diamond King (Winner: Smith)
Round 7: Fondness for chicken and beer (Winner: Francona)

Final score: Smith 3, Francona 2, Mills 2

Synopsis: The only man on this card old enough to grow facial hair is also the only man left standing after this futuristic Matchup. Congrats, Bryn; now use your winnings to buy a vowel, eh?

Terry Francona, Brad Mills, Bryn Smith, 1982 Topps

Dave Stenhouse and Mike Stenhouse, 1985 Topps Father-Son

Names: Dave Stenhouse and Mike Stenhouse
Teams: Washington Senators and Montreal Expos
Positions: Pitcher and outfield
Value of card: "In my day, a pack of baseball cards was a nickel," said Dave Stenhouse
Key 1984 stat: 26 arguments at family dinners
It's time for an all-in-the-family edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: "Young punk" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 2: "Never amount to nothing" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 3: "Takes after his mother" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 4: "Needs to stop chasing skirts and concentrate on baseball" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 5: "Doesn't know the meaning of hard work" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 6: "Hippy needs a haircut" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 7: "No son of mine" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)

Score: Mike Stenhouse 7, Dave Stenhouse 0, Ties 0

Synopsis: Mike Stenhouse may have swept through this battle, but as any son who disappointed his father knows, this is in no way a victory.

Dave Stenhouse and Mike Stenhouse, 1985 Topps Father-Son

Larry Parrish, 1982 Donruss

Name: Larry Parrish
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Third base
Value of card: Unlike his beard, it's not priceless
Key 1981 stat: 761 ladies who swooned at the sight of his beard
10 glorious things about Larry Parrish's beard:
10) With just a bit of dye, it allowed him to sing in front of thousands of fans at a Kenny Rogers concert.
9) It deflected bullets when he was shot on the mean streets of Montreal.
8) He could use it to remove baked-on food from pots and pans.
7) It provided a convenient place to store chew spit.
6) It allowed him to apply to become part of this illustrious group; his request is still pending.
5) He could be Chewbacca every Halloween.
4) It made him the manliest man in Japan when he played for the Hanshin Tigers and Yakult Swallows.
3) It took attention away from the "blinding pinwheel" Expos uniform.
2) He was able to spend his offseason working as a mountain goat.
1) It winked at the ladies for him.

Larry Parrish, 1982 Donruss

Rowland Office, 1982 Topps

Name: Rowland Office
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Even trade for one ticket to "Airplane II: The Sequel" in 1982
Key 1981 stat: Zero attempts to speak French in Montreal
10 things you'll find in Rowland's Office:
10) A stapler for clasping the top of his jersey
9) A ruler, in inches, for measuring things in metric
8) Rubber cement, in case he ran out of Soul Glo
7) A lamp for making sure everyone saw his jheri curl glisten
6) A computer, circa 1982, for doing not much not very fast
5) Tape for attaching his hat to his hair so it wouldn't fly off
4) A keyboard, not for typing, but for playing sweet jams
3) A dictionary, for looking up the three regular words that make up his name
2) Scissors for not cutting his hair
1) A vibrating pen

Rowland Office, 1982 Topps

Outfield rookies, 1977 Topps

Names: Brian Asselstine, Wayne Gross, Sam Mejias, Alvis Woods
Teams: Braves, A's, Expos, Blue Jays, respectively
Positions: Outfield, all of 'em
Value of card: 1 cent for each player
Key 1976 stat: Hold on. We're still looking. OK, let's just go with "four"
It's time for a four-way edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Last name with an expletive in it (Winner: Asselstine)
Round 2: Last name that's grosser than that expletive (Winner: Gross)
Round 3: Subject of most blown-out and unprofessional photo (Winner: Woods)
Round 4: Most lopsided afro (Winner: Mejias)
Round 5: Angriest black man (Winner: Woods)
Round 6: Angriest Latino (Winner: Mejias)
Round 7: Angriest white dude (Winner: Woods)
Round 8: Most jagged, twisting mullet (Winner: Asselstine)
Round 9: Inclusion on a terrible 1970s baseball card (Winner: All)

Score: Asselstine 2, Gross 2, Mejias 2, Woods 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: After eight equally matched rounds and four equally unremarkable careers, these four fine athletes ended up tied for first and tied together forever on this poor excuse for a bingo card.

Outfield rookies, 1977 Topps

Larry Walker, 1995 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Larry Walker
Team: Montreal Expos
Positions: Outfield, first base 
Value of card: Two pennies stuck together with maple syrup
Key 1994 stat: One labor stoppage
Ways you can tell Larry Walker is Canadian:

• You know, the whole Montreal thing
• His mullet has clearly been frozen stiff by a harsh winter
• All his bats were made from maple wood
• He was always insulting the umpires in French
• That glove is at least 30 percent moose leather
• Clothed from neck to toe to combat sub-zero temperatures
• His Louisville Slugger is actually a goalie stick! What the heck, eh?

Larry Walker, 1995 Topps Stadium Club

Cliff Floyd, 1992 Bowman

Name: Cliff Floyd
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 50 cents on his 40, homie
Key 1991 stat: Walked outside his house dressed like that without falling on his face in embarrassment
Cliff Floyd dunked a baseball in 1992; some of his other athletic accomplishments:

• He kicked a field goal with a soccer ball.
• He threw a pingpong ball into a soccer net.
• He beat a fully outfitted hockey goalie in a potato sack race.
• He slowly fanned himself with a tennis racquet to cool down.
• He won a horse race during a polo match.
• He ate a badminton shuttlecock without getting ill. 

Cliff Floyd, 1992 Bowman

Ugueth Urbina, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 6)

Name: Ugueth Urbina
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The socks off Urbina's feet
Key 1991 stat: 37 monuments visited
Today's fashion model: Feast your eyes on a man with a cannon for an arm, a man whose fashion sense is of another caliber. From parachute shirt to shoes without socks, he's firing on all cylinders. You like shiny man legs? Boom! You like windblown leopard-print shirts. Boom! You like Bermuda shorts on a Venezuelan? Boom! Now that's some explosive style. Forget the slider and splitter, Urbina's biggest weapon is obvious: It's his subtle hint of suggestion.

Ugueth Urbina, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 6)

Steve Kline, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Name: Steve Kline
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Reliever
Value of card: Two Canadian coins with ducks on them
Key 1997 stat: 44 body slams
10 professional wrestling names for Expos reliever Steve Kline:
10) The Montreal Mangler
9) The Canadian Crippler
8) The Handsome Hungarian
7) The Bully of Sixth-Graders
6) Kline B. Ware
5) One half of the tag-team champions The Dirty Expos
4) Steve the Not-So Giant
3) Steve Kline (one of those persona-less 1980s nobodys who lost every match and basically acted as punching bags for the stars)
2) Gobbledy Gooker
1) Junkyard Steve

Steve Kline, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Andy McGaffigan, 1988 Topps

Name: Andy McGaffigan
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Being an Expos fan watching the Nationals win the NL East
Key 1987 stat: Zero splinters from the fake wood paneling behind him
Andy McGaffigan      the good, the bad and the ugly:

Good: Spiffy 3.38 career ERA; a mustache that Sam Elliott would be proud of
Bad: Bouncing around between six teams in 11 years; not having teeth
Ugly: Well, just look at the poor bastard

Andy McGaffigan, 1988 Topps

Tom Nieto, 1987 Topps

Name: Tom Nieto
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 22 hairs plucked from eyebrows
Key 1986 stat: 42,000 yards of fake wood grain produced by Topps
So, what does Tom Nieto stand for?

Top "catcher face" in the National League, 1986
Only wore a bathrobe on the baseball field
Manager could always count on him for doughnut runs

Nose had been broken a couple of times by foul tips
Inside those eyes you could find love
Eyebrows were furrier than a couple of chinchillas
Took squatting to a whole new level
Obviously sat on his hat for a few hours a day

Tom Nieto, 1987 Topps

Tim "Rock" Raines, 1990 Bowman

Name: Rock Raines
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 1 "toonie" (in Canadian commonspeak, a $2 coin, probably with a duck on it)
Key 1989 stat: 14 words of French spoken
It's time for a north-of-the-border pop quiz:

How did Tim Raines get the nickname "Rock," as enshrined on his obnoxious necklace?

(A) Actually, he bought the necklace first and the nickname followed.
(B) Cocaine is a helluva drug.
(C) He spent his off seasons playing bass for underground Montreal heavy-metal band Les Mustachios.
(D) He conceived a Hollywood script about the existential rebirth of a grisly convict whose seminal yet concealed accomplishment of breaking out of Alcatraz in the waters of San Francisco Bay would only be eclipsed by his success, with the help of Nicolas Cage (played seemingly without effort by Nicolas Cage), in a mission to save the world from nuclear warfare brought on by a renegade general and his team of mercenaries who have overtaken a national park in the waters of San Francisco Bay in their quest to obtain a $100 million ransom in the names of fallen comrades who died in covert operations throughout the world.
(E) All of the above.

Tim "Rock" Raines, 1990 Bowman

Zane Smith, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Zane Smith
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A tenth of a loon. Not the Canadian currency — the bird.
Key 1989 stat: Endless sex appeal
Here's what Zane Smith stands for:

Zero trips to the dentist.
All right, one trip to the dentist. But it was just to pick up a friend.
Nose appears to be only normal part of face.
Even after you leave this page, that stare will stay with you.

Snaggletooth distracted hitters, acquaintances.
Mullet still easier to look at than that smile.
I'm pretty sure that uniform couldn't get much louder.
That lazy eye isn't doing him any favors, either.
Had 93 strikeouts in 1989 — and 930 strikeouts with the ladies that year.

Zane Smith, 1990 Upper Deck

Tim Raines, 1984 Fleer

Name: Tim "Rock" Raines
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 3 grams of "rock"
Key 1983 stat: 7 inches of mustache
Fun Facts about Canada's cultural capital, Montreal, and Tim Raines:

• Montreal's official language is French. Raines once ordered a dish a la carte, then slapped himself for using a French term.
• Montreal is home to the NHL's Canadiens. Raines would never invite a Canadian into his home.
• Montreal, perhaps surprisingly, is known for its jazz. Raines, probably unsurprisingly, was nicknamed "Rock" and hated jazz.
• Montreal became a haven for Americans seeking alcohol during Prohibition. Raines considered his stomach and liver to be havens for alcohol.
• Montreal, as a Canadian city, is second only to Toronto. Raines, as a 1980s base-stealer, is second only to Bust legend Rickey Henderson.
• Montreal is a city with a lot of panache. Raines is a player with a lot of mustache.

Tim Raines, 1984 Fleer

Ivan Calderon, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 15)

Name: Ivan Calderon

Team: Montreal Expos

Position: Left field

Value of card: 22 (not sure of what, maybe pieces of cat crap?)

Key 1990 stat: 5-inch-high flattop-afro-jheri curl combo

10 things Ivan Calderon's "22" earring may stand for:

10) The number of inches down his shirt his V-neck ends.

9) The degree to which his left eye is off-center when compared with his right eye.

8) Pounds of hair above his neck.

7) The weight of his neck rolls, in kilograms.

6) Hours, in a given day, he spends perfecting his flattop-afro-jheri curl combo.

5) The rank of his beard on the Studio Beard Top 50 List of 1991.

4) The number of consecutive minutes spent staring at the camera during this photo shoot.

3) Days' worth of collected earwax it took to create the earring.

2) The circumference, in nautical miles, of his head.

1) A catch.

Ivan Calderon, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 15)

Pascual Perez, 1990 Fleer

Name: Pascual Perez
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The cold feeling of rejection
Key 1989 stat: Zero autographs given
It's a Pascual Perez Pop Quiz!

How come nobody's asking Pascual for an autograph?

A) Because he insists on signing items with a pen filled with hair gel.
B) Because the Expos never actually had any fans.
C) Because his mom only has so many things for him to sign.
D) Because he stunk — and not just on the mound.
E) All of the above.

Pascual Perez, 1990 Fleer

Brian Barnes, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 10)

Name: Brian Barnes
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Colon blockage
Key 1990 stat: One screw loose
That boy ain't right: Have you ever heard someone talk about a player who "sleeps, drinks and eats baseball"? Well, Brian "Wild Man" Barnes did one of those things. When the Expos found Barnes wandering the Canadian wilderness in the summer of 1984, he was a feral teenager wearing only a dirty loincloth and hunting moose with a spear. The team president took him in, trained him to hurl a baseball instead of a weapon, and soon had a pitching prospect on his hands. There was just one problem: The smell of the ball's cowhide cover made Barnes' stomach growl. Under supervision, he was fine, but left alone, he would devour an entire case of baseballs, grinning the whole time. Despite the team's best efforts, Barnes was found dead on a locker room floor in 1994, red lacing string and pieces of leather scattered around him. During an autopsy, doctors found enough rawhide and twine in his gut to create a line of ladies' handbags.

Brian Barnes, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 10)