Juan Gonzalez, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: juan GONZALEZ
Team: texas RANGERS
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Anger hotter than the fire of a thousand suns
Key 1994 stat: No love lost
It's a collector's choice pop quiz: What did Reggie Jackson say to torque off Juan Gone?

A) Reggie asked why Juan put so much eye black on his lip.
B) Reggie asked if Juan realized that there would be photographers around.
C) Reggie told Juan he had a nice swing      and then asked if Juan's husband played.
D) Mr. October said Juan reminded him of Miss November.
E) None of the above. Juan just didn't like anybody.

Juan Gonzalez, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Hal Morris, 1995 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Hal Morris
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: First base
Value of card: It's worth more if you burn it
Key 1994 stat: 11 mediocre sports writers who nicknamed him "Hal 9000"
Some things you might not know about Hal Morris that his card explains:

• Turtlenecks made him so hot, it would catch his face on fire.
• He had a a red mustache.
• He was a member of the Fantastic 4.
• He took playing for the Reds quite literally.
• He had an eyebrow that tried to escape.

Hal Morris, 1995 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Kirt Manwaring, 1991 Score

Name: Kirt Manwaring
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Catcher
Value of card: An 8-ounce glass of San Francisco street puddle water
Key 1990 stat: 716 times opponents made snide comments about his last name
It's time for The Caption, which most likely never ran in The San Francisco Chronicle in the early 1990s: "Kirt Manwaring, left, of the San Francisco Giants, engages in a knock-down, drag-out fight with Chicago Cubs first baseman Mark Grace, right, after a violent game of Twister that started when Grace barreled into Manwaring at home and challenged the catcher to a best-hair contest to decide whether the run would count despite the basic rules of baseball, which, obviously, disallow such childish behavior by two grown men with spectacular coifs, on Wednesday at Candlestick Park in San Francisco."

Kirt Manwaring, 1991 Score

Alex Rodriguez, 1998 Pinnacle Naturals

Name: Alex Rodriguez
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One used syringe
Key 1997 stat: Had yet to piss off baseball fans everywhere
A handful of other things just as "natural" as A-Rod:

• Crop circles
• Spider-Man
• Manti Te'o's college girlfriend
• The jackalope
• Pyramid schemes
• Barry Bonds

Alex Rodriguez, 1998 Pinnacle Naturals

Brandon Phillips, 2009 Upper Deck Award Winners

Name: Brandon Phillips
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Second base
Value of card: One beaten-to-hell baseball glove, spray-painted gold
Key 2008 stat: Zero magic spells cast
Let's hand out some awards: As noted on this card, Brandon Phillips won a Gold Glove in 2008. Here are some other honors he's received.

• National League All-Hula Team, 2008
• Worst camouflage, Field and Stream magazine
• Participation ribbon, 2008 Hamilton County Fair Pie Eating Contest
• Elected vice president of the Greater Ohio Shiny Red Belt Society
• Customer of the month, June 2008, Big Jim's Wristband Emporium

Brandon Phillips, 2009 Upper Deck Award Winners

Doug Mientkiewicz, 2006 Upper Deck

Name: Doug Mientkiewicz
Team: New York Mets Kansas City Royals
Position: First base
Value of card: "Dirt" stains on the seat of your pants
Key 2005 stat: Even he didn't know how to spell his surname
Things said by Mentki Mintka Doug to this anonymous catcher:

• "No, I will not stand up. Not until you apologize for calling my jersey hideous."
• "What do you mean this seashell necklace looked better on my wife?"
• "Why yes, I am going to just sit here and twiddle my thumbs. I mean, coach just told me to do what I do best!"
• "Have you seen my bat?"
• "I got traded to Kansas City? Well, it could be worse. I could be on the Mets."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Doug Mientkiewicz, 2006 Upper Deck

Dwight Evans, 1987 Topps Record Breaker

Name: Dwight Evans
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Right field
Value of card: Coffee grounds from the garbage can
Key 1986 stat: Got the worm
Opening Day overachiever: As noted on the above card, Dwight Evans holds the record for the earliest home run in a season, hitting one out on the first pitch of the first game of the year. Here are some other records and achievements that belong to Evans:

• Earliest bulge, season
• Most times called "shotgun," lifetime
• First beer chugged, Roger Clemens' 23rd birthday party
• First person to touch Mookie Wilson's 10th-inning grounder, Game 6 of the '86 World Series
• Caused the most collectors to say, "That deserves a card?" all time

Dwight Evans, 1987 Topps Record Breaker

Bill Buckner, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Bill Buckner
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: First base
Value of card: Symbolism
Key 1990 stat: One grudge held against Upper Deck
Time to choose your own adventure: You are Jordan Jackson, card designer for Upper Deck in early 1990. You're currently sorting through a handful of photo possibilities for Royals first baseman Bill Buckner, who has worked hard to move past one of the most infamous errors in baseball history. It's late, and your supervisor (who's kind of a jerk) has long since left the building. Which photo do you choose for Buckner's card?

To go with a solid swing follow-through that gives a good view of Buckner's face, click here.
To select an action-packed baserunning shot of Buckner rounding second, click here.
To choose a photo that features the gaping opening of the tube used to roll up the infield tarp, which just happens to be positioned perfectly between Buckner's legs as he mans first base, and thus reveal that you are actually Mookie Wilson, click here.

Card suggested by Dave Cote

Bill Buckner, 1990 Upper Deck

Will Clark, 1989 Score Superstar

Name: Will "The Thrill" Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: The stitching from the inside of a sweaty butt pocket
Key 1988 stat: 14 "thrills" (with the ladies)
Great card, right? Hey, this is an awesome late-1980s William Nuschler Clark card. Nothing like a photo of a player where you can't see his face or the name on his jersey. Creases, smudges and bent corners aside, it's in perfect condition. And check out those three totally radical triangles framing the W in The Thrill's name: thrilling. At least, for the ladies, you get a nice crumpled-pocket butt shot. Score should have put out more subsets like Superstars. What an idea: Take a mediocre photo you already have, throw on a boring red-and-blue border, flush it down the toilet and voila, you have another subset that you can use to take money from kid collectors' allowances. Score? This card is anything but.

Card submitted by Travis Johnson

Will Clark, 1989 Score Superstar

Larry Walker, 1995 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Larry Walker
Team: Montreal Expos
Positions: Outfield, first base 
Value of card: Two pennies stuck together with maple syrup
Key 1994 stat: One labor stoppage
Ways you can tell Larry Walker is Canadian:

• You know, the whole Montreal thing
• His mullet has clearly been frozen stiff by a harsh winter
• All his bats were made from maple wood
• He was always insulting the umpires in French
• That glove is at least 30 percent moose leather
• Clothed from neck to toe to combat sub-zero temperatures
• His Louisville Slugger is actually a goalie stick! What the heck, eh?

Larry Walker, 1995 Topps Stadium Club

Gary Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 20)

Name: Gary Anderson
Team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Position: Running back
Value of card: A dollar for each win the 1976 Bucs recorded
Key 1991 stat: 5,193 backup helmets, pads and jock straps
No one puts baby in a corner: Why has Gary Anderson been locked in an equipment closet?

A) In a case of mistaken identity, his teammates thought he was a kicker
B) He was playing Seven Minutes in Heaven with his helmet
C) He just wanted some privacy while putting on his prosthetic left forearm
D) I don't know, but from the looks of his eye black, he was crying
E) Getting dressed. Get out of here, you perv!

Gary Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 20)

Jerry Browne, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Jerry Browne
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Infield
Value of card: 12 dead ants
Key 1992 stat: 487 fright-filled screams
It's time once again for The Caption, which we're told ran in the Oakland Tribune in 1992: "Jerry Browne, right, who wasn't the past and future governor of California, recoils in fear from an earwig 11 feet from him in the infield grass, while a Red Sox player nearly collapses in laughter and 32,000 fans in the stands make baby-crying sounds and incessantly mock the middle infielder who's afflicted with entomo-aviatophobia — to the lay person, a fear of bugs and things that fly through the air, which, by looking at Browne's career statistics, would include baseballs thrown to a batter."

Jerry Browne, 1993 Upper Deck

Buster Rhymes, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 144)

Name: Buster Rhymes
Team: Minnesota Vikings
Positions: Wide receiver, kick returner
Value of card: Rhymes with "lack spit"
Key 1986 stat: Can't spell "Buster" without "Bust"
Top R&B hits by part-time pro athlete Buster Rhymes:

• "Woo Hah!! Got Me on the Bench"
• "Pass the Gatorade (Part II)"
• "Turn it Over / Fire it Up"
• "(The Ball, I Never) Touch It"
• "What's it Gonna Be?! (An Incompletion)"

Buster Rhymes, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 144)

Bip Roberts, 1996 Score Artist's Proof

Name: Bip Roberts
Teams: San Diego Padres, Tijuana Torerros
Position: Second base
Value of card: 2 pesos
Key 1995 stat: Nada
10 things Bip Roberts regrets from his trip to Mexico:
10) Getting those eye black tattoos.
9) Riding around town on a Tijuana zebra.
8) Spending a week there one night.
7) Getting "Bipped" in an alley behind a tourist bar.
6) Buying that fake gold necklace from a guy who kept calling him "Meester Robert"
5) The chimichangas that nearly killed him.
4) Nothing, until he saw this photo.
3) Having to explain to everyone that he plays on a baseball team called the Dads.
2) Blacking out and waking up with the name "Bip."
1) Misplacing his baseball cap.

Bip Roberts, 1996 Score Artist's Proof

Tom Rathman, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 2)

Name: Tom "Psycho" Rathman
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Fullback
Fright value of card: Zero cents, zero sense
Key 1993 splat: 32 seconds to change into costume and apply makeup
It's time for an oh-so-scary pop quiz:

What's the most frightening thing about this card?

(A) The utter lack of imagination that went into this costume.
(B) The helmet brain on what appears to be a zombie, which means "Psycho" would try to eat his own head.
(C) The flawed logic of B.
(D) The rainbow-themed scarf and wristbands. (Oh, you said "frightening"? We thought you said "fab-u-lous."
(E) Baby hand! Ahh!
(F) We'd say "all of the above" like usual, but it's E. Definitely E. Ahhhhhh!

Tom Rathman, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 2)

Domingo Ramos, 1988 Topps

Name: Domingo Ramos
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Infielder
Value of card: 6 ounces of El Glo de Soul (Latin-themed version of the popular Soul Glo)
Key 1987 stat: 14 sticks of eye black used (under eyes and in hair)
Domingo Ramos is a long name, so his teammates came up with nicknames. Here they are:

• Lunes Ramos
• Martes Ramos
• Miercoles Ramos 
• Jueves Ramos
• Viernes Ramos
• Sabado Ramos
• Sunday Ramos

Domingo Ramos, 1988 Topps

Frank Thomas, 1993 Score All-Star Team ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 6)

Name: Frank Thomas

Team: Chicago White Sox

Positions: First base, designated hitter

Value of card: 1 Swiss franc

Key 1991 stat: 279 frankfurters eaten

10 reasons this card is awesome:

10) It was drawn by a blind hyena.

9) The glove has a G on it. For, uh, "glove."

8) Illustrated wristbands and turtlenecks are almost as cool as the real things.

7) It's the 1992 all-star team — in the 1993 set. Rad.

6) Nike gets a free plug on some super-hightops.

5) The stunning physical realism.

4) Frank likes it because it makes his butt look small.

3) It's the all-star team. Hence the giant star. How subtle.

2) 60-pound jowls.

1) Frank is, apparently, a white-handed batter.

Frank Thomas, 1993 Score All-Star Team ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 6)

Frank Thomas, 1992 MLB Aces ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 4)

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: First base, designated hitter, card player
Value of card: One flush (of a toilet)
Key 1991 stat: 4 of diamonds
Here's the deal: In the 1990s, it would have been stupid to bet against Frank Thomas. He hit jacks on the diamond, had great hands and was the king of the South Side. For the White Sox, he was a bridge to the future. At practice, he'd go all-in. Hour after hour he'd shuffle between the batting cage and the video room, looking for ways to burn the opposition and raise the team in the standings. Off the field, he'd wear diamonds to the club, break a few hearts and punch David Spade in the neck if he stepped out of line, all with a glass of gin in his hand. He wasn't afraid to make a call, and when it came to stats, he had no limits. When runs were being batted in, Thomas would always follow suit. And while he was on deck, White Sox fans thought one thing: jackpot.

Frank Thomas, 1992 MLB Aces ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 4)

Juan Samuel, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Juan Samuel
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Second base
Value of card: Not-so-awesome action
Key 1991 stat: Dove back into first base many, many times
Nice try, Donruss: No one's really sure what the point of the 1992 Donruss Triple Play set was, but several of the cards included action shots with the caption "AWESOME ACTION!" The only problem with this particular card is that the alleged awesome action is Juan Samuel diving back into first on a pickoff play. Ooooooooh, how exciting! Of course, this photo had to beat out something else, so here are some of the shots from this Dodger game rejected by the good folks at Donruss.

• Darryl Strawberry passed out in the dugout after a night of L.A. partying
• Mike Scioscia throwing the ball back to Orel Hershiser after a called strike
• Tommy Lasorda patting his belly
• Roger McDowell trying to give Eddie Murray a hot foot
• Eddie Murray punching Roger McDowell in the gut
• Juan Samuel wiping the dirt off his pants after diving back in to first

Juan Samuel, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

John Olerud, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 2)

Name: John Olerud
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: First base
Value of card: No number could represent such a low value
Key 1993 stat: See above
Let's take a look at John Olerud, By the Numbers, clockwise, from top left:

.270: Average with two outs, one ball, two strikes, in the fifth inning, on blustery days, in Toronto, in the second week of the month, with the opposing pitcher chewing tobacco
Uh, 00? Times taking the field without a batting helmet
Let's go with 8: Pounds of batting gloves worn
Maybe that's an 87: Percentage of teammates who made fun of him for wearing a helmet on the field
.2 ... uh: Percentage of collectors who didn't throw this card in the trash
38: Special
.209: Average with ladies in scoring position
.39: Percentage of underwear drawer that featured Blue Jays logos
.298: Percentage of the unexplainable lake behind him filled with Moosehead, Toronto's favorite beer
.3: Percentage of Olerud filled with Moosehead, Toronto's favorite beer
.278: Batting average while making a stupid face
There goes that run of interpretable numbers, so, um, 80? Times he forgot to toss bat before running to first base
369: Numbers on this card
.301: Who cares? That's enough stats, for helmet's sake

John Olerud, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 2)