Cal McLish, 1961 Topps

Name: Cal McLish
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's hard to see any value here
Key 1960 stat: 519 times walking into a wall
Wait a minute: One of two things is going on here. Either the genius Topps photo editor chose the worst possible photo of Cal McLish for the 1961 set or Cal McLish's eyelids were constantly dragged downward by the gravitational field caused by his massive chin. Hmm, considering Topps' sterling reputation for quality, it's gotta be the chin, right?

Cal McLish, 1961 Topps

Bob Kipper, 1986 Topps

Name: Bob Kipper
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: As much garbage as you can fit in that hat
Key 1985 stat: 365 kips (British slang for naps)
Conversation between a Topps photographer and Bob Kipper during spring training in 1986:
Topps photog: "Hi Bob, we're gonna take some photos      um, you don't have to do the one-knee pose if you don't want to, you know."
Bob Kipper: "Huh? Oh, hey, man. You got any chips? And dip?"
TP: "Hmm, no. I was just going to take your picture. Do you want to stand up?"
BK: "No, man, I'm good. Standing's just so strenuous, you know? It's much cooler staying close to the ground. With the Earth."
TP: "Well, I guess that'll work. Can you open your eyes a little more, though?"
BK: "My eyes are open, man. Wide open. I can see everything, you know?"
TP: "Oh yes, and I can see what you've been up to, for sure. But before a baseball game? That's so nuts."
BK: "Doughnuts? I love doughnuts! Can I have one, man?"
TP: "Um, sure." (Hands Kipper a batting doughnut) "Chew on that for a little while."

Bob Kipper, 1986 Topps

Oscar Azocar, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Oscar Azocar
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two awkward hugs
Key 1992 stat: 16 times caught embracing his bat in the dugout
Oscar Azocar loved his bat despite despite a .226 career batting average; some other Azocar contradictions:

• He loved his barber despite his mini-fro cut.
• He hated "Magnum P.I." despite his mustache.
• He loved being on baseball cards despite the one above.
• He hated "Sesame Street" despite his first name.
• He loved women despite this card's implications.
• He hated Julio Franco despite ripping off his pose.

Oscar Azocar, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Mickey Rivers, 1983 Texas Rangers Affiliated Foods

Name: Mickey Rivers
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: One glass shard from a Mickey's bottle
Key 1982 stat: One double
It was only a kiss: Toward the end of his baseball career, Mickey Rivers developed some strange habits. He started showering in a bathing suit after games, he would give himself a pat on the butt after getting a hit and, perhaps strangest of all, after striking out, he would blow a kiss to the pitcher. As you might imagine, this didn't sit well with everyone. Having K'd Rivers twice in an August contest, Royals starter Gaylord Perry was none too pleased with Mickey's smooches. Thinking that the hitter was making fun of his given name, Gaylord proceeded to plunk Rivers in his third plate appearance, drilling him right in the ear hole. Perry was tossed from the game and Rivers, unable to continue, put on his best bathing suit and hit the showers.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Mickey Rivers, 1983 Texas Rangers Affiliated Foods

Rodney Craig, 1993 TCMA

Name: Rodney Craig
Team: Charleston Charlies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: What?
Key 1992 stat: Where?
Clearing up some rumors about minor-leaguer Rodney Craig:

• Rodney Craig is sooooooo not baked in the above photo. He's just having to squint from the glare off his sweet gold medallion.
• Rodney Craig's medallion does not have any mystical powers like this guy's does. If it did, he wouldn't be playing minor-league ball in Charleston, S.C.
• Rodney Craig is sooooooo not baked in the above photo. Wait, huh? We already said that one? Wait, are there any more Doritos?
• Rodney Craig's head is, in fact, the size of one of Jupiter's moons. He wore a size 9 batting helmet and his teammates called him "Buckethead." No, really, we're not making this one up!

Rodney Craig, 1993 TCMA

B.J. Surhoff, 1997 Fleer Ultra

Name: B.J. Surhoff
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Outfield, third base
Value of card: A pair of broken glasses
Key 1996 stat: Team name on jersey and player's name on card written in same typeface
One-eyed monster: B.J. Surhoff is ready for his eye exam, so here we go.

B. J.

G R E A T

N A M E.  W H E R E

E V E R  D I D  Y O U R  M O M  G E T

T H E  I D E A  F O R  I T?  O H,  W A I T,  W E   C A N  G U E S S.

B.J. Surhoff, 1997 Fleer Ultra

Jackie Joyner-Kersee, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 13)

Name: Jackie Joyner-Kersee
Events: Heptathlon and long jump
Medal count: 3 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze (in four different Olympics!)
Value of card: Seven grains of salt
Key 1992 stat: 24 mispronunciations of the word "discus"
Lucky number seven: Jackie Joyner-Kersee was an American badass in the heptathlon, setting a still-standing record at the 1988 Summer Games. But she didn't stop at seven events, oh no; here are some others in which she dominated the world:

• Seoul Soul singing while throwing a javelin
• Pillow fighting
• Lawn darts
• Shotgunning an Old Milwaukee
• Olympic Family Feud

Jackie Joyner-Kersee, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 13)

Ernie Camacho, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 7)

Name: Ernie Camacho
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 40 winks of sleep
Key 1990 stat: No wins, no losses (boring!)
Wake me when it's over: The abject boredom of the 1990 Bowman set comes to a close this week, and there's no better way to wrap up this forgettable mess than with a man whose eyes are closed. The most exciting thing about this card is that it has the word "macho" on it. Ernie's hair hasn't been touched in months, his undershirt looks like it's been through the washer 500 times, and his gold chains aren't even shiny! We'd fight for our money back if we hadn't been made so lethargic by this week full of lazy, dull photography. Thanks for nothing.

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Ernie Camacho, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 7)

Bruce Smith, 1994 Pinnacle (Football Friday No. 52)

Name: Bruce Smith

Team: Buffalo Bills

Position: Defensive end
Value of card: 12 ounces of ice, melted, poured down a drain
Key 1993 stat: 1,862 driveways shoveled
Time for an ice-cold pop quiz:

How cold was Bruce Smith when this photo was taken?

(A) His eyes had frozen solid and fallen out of their sockets.

(B) He invented the full-body turtleneck to deal with the weather.
(C) He wasn't cold. He was in the midst of a bitchin' coke party.
(D) The snow froze the "Riddell" logo off the front of his helmet.
(E) When he got home, he climbed inside the carcass of a buffalo.
(F) We're scared. You ask him.
(G) All of the above.

Bruce Smith, 1994 Pinnacle (Football Friday No. 52)

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Score All Star

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2 ounces of eraser rubbings
Key 1990 stat: 169-pound head, 4-pound brain
Here we go again: We've seen this before. An illustrated card on which the player is given a giant head. How original. One bright spot: This card reminded us here at the Bust of "NBA Jam," particularly the big-head code. So, rather than spend another second on this ridiculous card, here are our 10 favorite sports video game Easter eggs.

10) "NBA 2K3": Kobe Bryant rape trial minigame
9) "Winning 11 7": Zinedine Zidane headbutt maneuver
8) "Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11": "Bar Wench Conqueror" trophy
7) "Madden NFL '94": Picture of O.J. Simpson pops up every time you choose a jailbreak blitz
6) "Wii Sports" tennis game: Nude code for all Miis
5) "Tecmo Super Bowl": Bill Romanowski 'roid rage mode
4) "NHL 2002": Hockey could be played in Phoenix. Like that would ever happen.
3) "Big Bass Fishing": Go off course and "Dueling Banjos" would start playing
2) "Tecmo NBA Basketball": Michael Jordan gambling suspension mode
1) "MLB 2001": Barry Bonds big head mode. Oh, wait, they were just modeling it on real life.

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Score All Star

Felix Jose, 1991 Score

Name: Felix Jose
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 4 ounces, used contact solution
Key 1990 stat: 10,942,444 blinks
Felix Jose's train of thought from 2:19 to 2:20 p.m. May 28, 1990: "Dang, strike one. I never should have bet Willie McGee that I could get a base hit with my eyes closed. Whitey's gonna kill me! At least with my eyes closed, I don't have to look at Willie's face. Crap, strike two. I think I almost had that one, though. Oops, wait, I'm not actually in the batter's box. Isn't it weird that I have two first names? Maybe I'll name my kid Jose Jose. Ha! Little JoJo. OK, here comes the pitch. Ow! I can't believe I just swung at a pitch that hit me in the head!"

Felix Jose, 1991 Score