Trevor Mallory, 1992 Topps Stadium Club (Fan Appreciation Week No. 1)

Name: Trevor Mallory
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Draft pick, pitcher
Value of card: Humor value: high; monetary value: nonexistent
Key 1991 stat: Only season at any pro level with more wins than losses (2-1)
Welcome to Fan Appreciation Week: We here at the Bust like to joke around that only six people read our site, but the truth is that our fan base is easily double that number. (Hi, Mom!) And those loyal fans of ours, from time to time, send us some pretty amazing cards to mock. We work them in from time to time, but this week we've decided to give them a special place of honor, running seven of them back to back. This one's for the fans!
Blue Jays scouting report, circa 1991, on second-round draft pick Trevor Mallory: "If this kid's fastball ever catches up to his fade, look out! ... Needs to work on slider, curveball, ability to button his clothes. ... In his high school yearbook, he was voted most likely to join Bell Biv Devoe, and those guys rule, so that's gotta be worth something. ... Says his favorite food is those little vienna sausages that come in a can. Worrisome. ... Once struck out 10 batters and struck out with 10 girls all in the same day. ... Says he has no problem with removing his earring since it's made of plastic anyway. ... We project that he, much like his shirt, will be a front-line starter for many years to come."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Trevor Mallory, 1992 Topps Stadium Club (Fan Appreciation Week No. 1)

Dwight Smith, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 3)

Name: Dwight Smith
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A piece of Wrigley gum, chewed and stuck under a seat
Key 1991 stat: Hit more notes than baseballs
Cut his mike: Some of you may recall that Chicago Cubs outfielder Dwight Smith in 1989 became the first MLB rookie to sing the national anthem before a game. Smith went on to sing the anthem several more times, becoming more and more confident each time he held the mike. What you may not remember is that prior to one 1991 contest, Smith belted out the "Star-Spangled Banner" and followed it up with renditions of "Sex Machine" and Bell Biv Devoe's "Do Me" before launching into a raunchy stand-up routine stolen verbatim from Andrew "Dice" Clay. Fans were disgusted and Smith's manager was furious, but Harry Caray loved every minute of the performance, calling it "the best thing I've seen since those two weirdos with the lions at the casino."

Dwight Smith, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 3)

David Justice, 1993 Upper Deck Peter Gammons Inside the Numbers

Name: David Justice
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Criminally little
Key 1992 stat: One awesome haircut
Key Baseball Card Bust stat: 1,000 cards Busted, as of today. From the beginning, people have encouraged us to promote our site more, or update its awful design, or try writing something funny for once. Did we listen? Of course not! So, to thank you, our hundreds dozens pair of loyal fans, today's card is presented at absolutely no cost. You're welcome, America.
Autographs from David Justice (we swear!):

• Dear Brian: I'm sorry, you incorrectly guessed the number of holes in my mesh jersey. Better luck next year!
• To Jason: Thanks for shaving those lines into my head. I can't imagine this look ever going out of style.
• To Sharpie: It's a little weird that you wrote your name on your pen, but whatever.
• Dear Megan: Thanks for asking about the spot on my chin, but I'm pretty sure it's not a tumor.
• Dear Peter: A million thanks for having me on this series of cards that I'm sure will be worth big bucks. You should autograph a photo of me signing autographs. That would be crazy!

David Justice, 1993 Upper Deck Peter Gammons Inside the Numbers

Reggie Miller, 1991-92 Upper Deck (Basketball Art Week No. 4)

Name: Reggie Miller
Team: Indiana Pacers
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Eight points in 11 seconds
Key 1992 stat: Zero passes thrown, despite what's depicted here
The artwork within the artwork: It draws the eye, doesn't it? No, not Reggie Miller's blindingly white smile. The hair! The use of perspective on the 'do in the full-body image is spectacular. It seems to keep rising, arcing like one of the 17 3-pointers Miller shot each game. But it's the close-up that gives us a glimpse into Miller's mind — almost literally. The height of the fade represents Miller's ego, towering above all others. The shaved sides symbolize his ability to limit distractions, such as that "little person" Spike Lee. But the groove on the lower front ... what could that be? Something — or someone — that undercuts both of these traits? Perhaps a more talented, better-looking sister?

Reggie Miller, 1991-92 Upper Deck (Basketball Art Week No. 4)

Johnnie Morton, 1994 Upper Deck Star Rookie (Football Friday No. 66)

Name: Johnnie Morton
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Two feet of soiled terrycloth
Key 1994 stat: Three Power stickers
Detroit Lions' scouting report on first-round draft pick Johnnie Morton: "This kid has it all: speed, hands, an earring and a flat-top that'll drive all the 16-year-olds crazy. ... Says he hasn't taken off his shoulder pads since 1989. They appear to have actually grown into his skin in places. ... Once ate his weight in pizza at a Pizza Hut lunch buffet. ... Needs a jersey, but has enough wristbands to last until the new millennium. ... Appears to be always crying on the inside. And on the outside. ... Ran the 40 in 4.3 seconds. Drank a 40 in 7.1 minutes. ... Doesn't seem to know how to spell Johnny right. ... Without a doubt, this kid is the player who will put the Detroit Lions in the Super Bowl! Hey, stop laughing!"
Not making this up: After his playing career, Morton tried his hand at mixed martial arts fighting. In his debut, he was knocked out 38 seconds into the first round, carried out on a stretcher and then denied his purse when he refused to take a post-fight drug test. He later tested positive for anabolic steroids. Apparently, he should have taken more of them.

Johnnie Morton, 1994 Upper Deck Star Rookie (Football Friday No. 66)

Randall McDaniel, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only (NFL Kickoff Week No. 4)

Name: Randall McDaniel

Team: Minnesota Vikings
Position: Left guard
Value of card: A growth spurt
Key 1993 stat: One size fits all

It's halftime for NFL Kickoff Week. Here's a pop quiz:

What is Randall McDaniel's hat size?

A) XL (That's Roman numerals for 40, not extra large)
B) 2. As in, it would take 2 hats to cover that massive noggin.
C) Five gallons
D) Whatever Mr. McDaniel says it is

Randall McDaniel, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only (NFL Kickoff Week No. 4)

Andre Hastings, 1993 Upper Deck Star Rookie (Football Friday No. 9)

Name: Andre Hastings

Team: Pittsburgh Steelers

Position: Wide receiver

Value of card: Ask your sister

Key 1992 stat: One life-scarring photo session

Text from conversation between Andre Hastings and Upper Deck photographer, May 14, 1993:

Upper Deck photographer: "Good to meet you, Andre. I like your flattop. It's very radical."

Andre Hastings: "Thank you, sir. I've had it since I was a kid. My father used to rest his beer on it before he wee-wee'd in the closet."

UDP: "That's nice. Now please sit on your helmet."

AH: "Sit on my helmet? Why? Can't I run a route or catch a pass?"

UDP: "No, son, that's so 1991 Fleer. We here at Upper Deck like to show a player's, um, humanity."

AH: "OK, you're the professional."

UDP: "Great. You look good on that helmet. Now, spread 'em."

AH: "Excuse me?"

UDP: "Your legs. Spread 'em."

AH: "This is a football card shoot right?"

UDP "No, it's for Young Studs in Pads magazine. (awkward laugh) Of course this is a football card shoot."

(15 seconds of silence)

UDP: "Are you going to spread 'em or do I have to come over and do it for you, sweetie?"

AH: "Um, I think I should go get Coach."

UDP: "Don't be silly. We're just a couple of guys, having a good time, snapping a few pics. Care for a wine cooler?"

AH: "No ... no. Why do you have wine coolers in your camera bag?"

UDP: "Son, when you've been in this business as long as me you never know what's going to pop up. ... See what I mean. (points down)

AH: "You're a freak, man. I'm out. This is crazy."

UDP: "Hold on. Hold. Spread 'em ... annnnnnnd smile."

(Upper Deck photographer snaps photo)

Andre Hastings, 1993 Upper Deck Star Rookie (Football Friday No. 9)

Danny Tartabull and Bobby Bonilla, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Names: Danny Tartabull and Bobby Bonilla
Teams: New York Yankess, New York Mets
Positions: Vegas headliners (offseason only)
Value of card: Two cumberbunds
Key 1991 stat: Two shows a night, except holidays
Dinner and a show: Las Vegas was abuzz in the fall of 1991 when baseball sluggers Danny Tartabull and Bobby Bonilla announced they would spend their offseason putting on a Rat Pack-style show at the recently opened Mirage hotel and casino. But the excitement wore off quickly on opening night, when a drunken Tartabull staggered onto the stage and asked, "What are all you people doing in my room?" Many thought he was stealing Dean Martin's old opening line — until he vomited into the orchestra pit. Tartabull then staggered offstage and Bonilla, wearing a bow tie that looked like it had been stolen off a clown's corpse, took over and told dead baby jokes for the next 20 minutes. Most of the crowd left, demanding a refund; the rest began heckling Bonilla mercilessly. At this point, Tartabull re-emerged, an Old-Fashioned in his hand, and started berating the audience, asking how many of them had ever homered twice, banged a Scores girl and downed a fifth of Tanqueray in one night. Bonilla raised his hand, the pair high-fived and then broke into the finale, a slurred, off-key duet of "New York, New York." The show was cancelled the next morning, but the undeterred duo opted to keep performing, moving the act to a bum-ridden alley near the Pioneer in downtown Vegas.

Card contributed by Clay Deas

Danny Tartabull and Bobby Bonilla, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Darren Lewis, 1991 Fleer

Name: Darren Lewis
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Whatever a fade cost in 1990
Key 1990 stat: 162 tubes of ChapStick used
The Talented Mr. Lewis: Darren Lewis made a name for himself as a speedster during his 13-year major league career. But what you may not know is that baseball was Mr. Lewis' fallback career. For six months in 1988, he was the fifth member of Boyz II Men. His dulcet tones wowed record executives and his fade put all others to shame. Well, almost. Lewis' path to musical stardom seemed paved with gold records — that is, until his secret came out. Darren suffers from a near-constant debilitating thirst, causing him to lick his lips incessantly. What at first appeared to be a nervious tic ended up ruining video shoots, cutting short concerts and creeping out women of all ages. The soulful R&B quintet was quickly reduced to a quartet.
Unfazed, Lewis got hired as a stunt double for Will Smith during the debut season of "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." He and Smith became fast friends and were often spotted around Hollywood, usually on the playground, chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool or shooting some b-ball outside of the school. But that gig also soured when the baby-faced Lewis got involved in a seedy love triangle with the lovely Karyn Parsons and the boyishly handsome Alfonso Ribeiro. Tempers flared, hearts were broken, high-tops were mocked. Lewis left L.A., returning to his first love, baseball. He still has the same haircut.

Darren Lewis, 1991 Fleer