Mike Ramsey, 1981 Fleer

Name: Bill Murray, aka Mike Ramsey
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Comedian, shortstop
Value of card: $2 off a perm at Supercuts
Key 1980 stat: One mistaken trade
The not-so-funny legend of Mike Ramsey: The year was 1980, and Bill Murray was hot. After years starring on "Saturday Night Live," Murray had gained even more fame in soon-to-be classic "Caddyshack." The comedian was so popular that, on a lark, he even signed a contract with his favorite baseball team, the Chicago Cubs. Murray, playing under the pseudonym "Mike Ramsey," quickly became the team's best hitter, posting a .262 average. Cubs general manager Bob Kennedy was so impressed that he quickly traded Murray to the arch-rival Cardinals in exchange for a fourth-round draft pick and a bag of gym socks. Murray was not amused, and grew out his hair in protest. Of course, everyone thought Murray's man-perm was his best joke yet.

Mike Ramsey, 1981 Fleer

Charle Young, 1977 Topps Mexican (Football Friday No. 179)

Name: Charle Young
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Tight end
Value of card: Zero cents, converted to pesos
Key 1977 stat: Wasn't actually as scary as this photo makes him out to be
Time for a little Q-and-A about this card:
Q: "Carneros"? "AC"? Whaaa?
A: This card is from the 1977 Topps Mexican football set, a set of Spanish-language cards featuring all the 1970s Topps hallmarks      atrocious photography, lots of dudes with afros, and enough airbrushing to fill a style magazine. "Carneros" is Spanish for Rams, and "AC" is short for ala cerrada, which is 28 percent more fun to say than "tight end."
Q: On the card, this guy's name is "Charley," but you dolts have it as "Charle." Are ya stupid or somethin'?
A: Despite all the evidence on this site, we're not complete idiots. In fact, we've got this one right. His name really is Charle; Topps added the Y by mistake. Of course, they'll probably claim that "Charley" is Spanish for Charle, or something.
Q: Why is Charle Young wearing an inflatable rubber suit instead of a football jersey?
A: Look, we know all about rubber suits, and that, my friend, is no rubber suit. That's one of the most frightening instances of airbrushing in the history of sports cards. Mr. Young had been traded from the Eagles to the Rams in early 1977, after Topps had taken all its photos. It was too difficult for the artist (*ahem*) who airbrushed this photo to keep the appearance of a mesh jersey, so instead, old Charle got a solid blue uniform top with two yellow stripes and a childlike "86" drawn on it. (Frankly, this whole idea should have been eighty-sixed.) Thankfully, the artist (*ahem*) chose a different shade of blue for the helmet, making it clear that this photo was doctored, and that Charle does not, in fact, play football while wearing latex.
Q: I have this card. What do you suggest I do with it?
A: Take it to el baño and tirarlo en el inodoro.

Charle Young, 1977 Topps Mexican (Football Friday No. 179)

Curt Leskanic, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Names: 371426300, Curt Leskanic
Team: Colorado Rockies
Positions: Cyborg, pitcher
Value of card: The last number on his name tag
Key 1994 stat: 16 runtime errors
Curt Leskanic, by the numbers: It's clear from the above photo that Curt Leskanic was a cybernetic organism, serial number 371426300, that was sent back in time to wallow in mediocrity before winning Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS. But what does that number signify? Let's break it down.

371: This identifies the manufacturing plant where the cyborg was created, located underground in sub-Saharan Africa, the only place still safe and warm enough to live once the asteroid people find our planet. This is likely the same complex that produced fellow athletic cyborg Matt Riley.
42: The meaning of life, duh.
63: The half-life of the radioactive material powering this man-machine hybrid. Either that, or the rating, out of 10, of the thing's cheekbones. Grrrrowr!
00: The combined value of all baseball cards that Leskanic would appear on. Hey, those future dudes really knew what they were talking about!

Curt Leskanic, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Stubby Clapp, 2002 Topps Heritage

Name: Stubby Clapp (sure it is)
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Second base
Value of card: Four stubs
Key 2001 stat: Three shots of penicillin
Clapp if you want a pop quiz: What do the ladies like best about the man on this card?

A) His crooked nose
B) His child-size mouth
C) His sexy, STD-ridden name
D) His inch-too-low eyebrows
E) Absolutely none of the above, or much else, for that matter

Stubby Clapp, 2002 Topps Heritage

Israel Sanchez, 1989 Donruss

Name: Israel Sanchez
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 agora (smallest denomination of Israeli currency)
Key 1988 stat: Two red eyes not completely Photoshopped out of image
"Israel Sanchez" sounds like a pseudonym; 10 other pseudonyms this guy might have used:
10) Guatemala Gonzalez
9) Fiji Ruiz
8) Mexico Munoz
7) Chile Rodriguez
6) Zimbabwe Salazar
5) Croatia Ortega
4) China Chavez
3) United States of America Martinez
2) Palestinian Territories Perez
1) Chad

Israel Sanchez, 1989 Donruss

Orestes Destrade, 1994 Donruss

Name: Orestes Destrade, allegedly
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: First base
Value of card: Plenty of vowels
Key 1993 stat: One fake name
I'd like to solve the puzzle: Clearly, no human being has ever been named Orestes Destrade. But we got to wondering, what anagrams can be made from this random collection of letters?

• Dead Steers Store
• Addresses Tree To
• Sedated Seer Rots
• Dared Stereos Set
• Adder Sees Otters
• Dread Tsetse Sore
• Sadder, Terse Toes
• Dad Restores Tees
• Seared Desert Sot

Orestes Destrade, 1994 Donruss

Tom Veryzer, 1982 Donruss

Name: Tom Veryzer
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Track marks
Key 1981 stat: This was the best photo of him
Familiarity breeds contempt: We know we've seen this guy before, but where?

A) Definitely not at the barbershop
B) Outside that flophouse down the street
C) In the bum park downtown, yelling at his mustache to grow
D) Working behind the counter at the Veryzer Wireless store
E) All of the above

Tom Veryzer, 1982 Donruss

Kimera Bartee, 1996 Fleer Ultra

Name: Kimera Bartee, if you can believe it
Team: Detroit Tigers
Positions: Outfield; on one knee
Value of card: $5 in advertising for whoever owns that gigantic tower beyond center field
Key 1995 stat: No paper trail
Man of mystery: We don't know much about Kimera Bartee. He was obviously using a false name when this picture was taken, and the Tigers organization denies any knowledge that he ever actually existed. Here's what we do know about this enigma of a question mark:

• He wore a fake mustache.
• He believed having his photo taken would steal his soul. Or get him killed. One of those.
• He refused to be outside when other people were around.
• He loved raisins.
• He never really learned how to hold a bat.
• After this photo was taken, he changed his name to the only moniker more ridiculous than the one he had already chosen: Wonderful Monds.

Kimera Bartee, 1996 Fleer Ultra

Tripp Cromer, 1994 Topps Future Star

Name: Tripp Cromer, allegedly
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Middle infielder
Value of card: One brick cell phone
Key 1993 stat: One run
St. Louis Cardinals scouting report on "future star" Tripp Cromer: "Has some sort of weird reptile scales running down his back. We're checking into it. ... He's squinty. ... Claims he once ate a 32-pack of individually wrapped American cheese in one sitting. ... Swings the bat better than some people. Like the drummer from Def Leppard. Barely. ... Has an unsettling fascination with the boy band Menudo. ... Could be a future star. But only if he dies and comes back as a zombie with super strength and speed. ... Calls his mother by her given name, and that's just strange. ... We're still not sure what his name is, but apparently he has a genuine dislike for someone named Cromer. ... Keeps calling our manager, Joe Torre, 'grandpa.' Torre seems to get a kick out of it."

Tripp Cromer, 1994 Topps Future Star

John Henry Johnson, 1987 Topps

Name: John Henry Johnson. No, seriously.
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Relief pitcher
Value of card: Four awesome points
Key 1986 stat: Best white afro ever
Clearing up some rumors about John Henry Johnson:

• John Henry Johnson was not a porn star. That is a shame, because he had the name for it.
• John Henry Johnson's hair was completely natural. It's his eyebrows that were fake.
• John Henry Johnson was not a steel-drivin' man. But when he pitched, he was more of a line-drivin' man.
• John Henry Johnson could, in fact, smile. It's just that, in this photo, his form-fitting shirt has cut off the blood flow to his face.
• His name is John Johnson, he comes from Wisconsin, but he does not, in fact, work in a lumberyard there.

John Henry Johnson, 1987 Topps

Greg Minton, 1988 Topps

Name: Greg Minton

Team: California Angels

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Free movie pass to "Face/Off"

Key 1987 stat: 514 logs chewed through with giant teeth

Stuck in a Cage: Things were looking bad for Greg Minton in 1988. His knees ached and his arm wasn't what it used to be. He was sick of baseball and the life it had made for him. He was getting old, and if he didn't go through a metamorphosis, he knew he would fade into the dark recesses of humanity. So Minton took a risk. He signed up for a risky, revolutionary surgery, putting his life on the line. At the same time, a young actor was in a similar predicament. He had talent, but he didn't have "the look," and this, in his mind, made his life meaningless. The young actor, too, signed up for the risky, revolutionary surgery. The two men, the baseball player and the actor, met on a Thursday. By Saturday, Minton had a new face and a new life, and the young actor had a bright future ahead of him.

Card submitted by Greg Schindler

Greg Minton, 1988 Topps

Ozzie Canseco, 1993 Pinnacle

Name: "Ozzie" Canseco

Team: St. Louis Cardinals

Position: Outfield

Value of card: The tails side of a nickel

Key 1992 stat: Zero "Joses." That's right. Don't even bother checking any documents.

The old switcheroo: Jose Canseco was a slugger known in the early 1990s for his towering home runs and Hollywood lifestyle. He had an ego as big as his bat, and both were often on display. Then, Jose Canseco's life came crumbling down. He got divorced, arrested and was accused of using steroids as a tool of his trade. With his life in a tailspin, Canseco left the game. A few months later, the Cardinals signed a slugging outfielder by the name of "Ozzie" Canseco. He hit for power, ran with speed and always wore a shirt that read, "Bash Brother 4 Life." Reporters pestered "Ozzie" about his past. He would shirk the questions and point to what he called a birthmark on his hand. "See, how could I be Jose with this birthmark?" he would say. A reporter would usually speak up and tell him it looked like a circle colored in with a Sharpie marker. "Pay that no mind," Ozzie would say, "I am Ozzie Canseco, brother to Jose, who has disappeared and left me, a clean, sober, law-abiding physical specimen to carry the baseball torch for the Canseco kin." To this, a reporter would usually say, "Jose?" To which "Ozzie" would always turn and reply, "Yes," before running from the locker room.

Ozzie Canseco, 1993 Pinnacle

Checklist, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Checklist

Team: San Francisco Giants

Position: Checklist

Value of card: Let us check

Key 1992 stat: 476 cards in the set

A player by any other name ... : Checklist had a bright future ahead of him in 1993. He was a six-tool player; he could hit for power, hit for average, run, throw, field and keep card numbers in sequential order. Checklist's 1992 stats were impressive: 421, 422, 423, 424, 425, 426, 427 and so on. Because of Checklist's performance keeping count, San Francisco Giants manager Dusty Baker gave him a shot on the big-league roster. Checklist took advantage of this opportunity, and flourished as the starting lineup card orderer. Sadly, Checklist's career was cut short when he suffered an ACL (Agonizing Continuity Loss) injury.

Checklist, 1993 Upper Deck

Victor Rosario, 1991 Fleer

Name: "Victor/Victoria" Rosario

Team: Atlanta Braves

Position: Shortstop

Value of card: Three mascara eye boogers

Key 1990 stat: One ripped-off movie plot

His story reads like a movie: Victor is a poverty-stricken shortstop trying to find work in Atlanta in the 1990s. With the help of a world-wise fielding instructor, he invents his alter-ego, Victoria, a male impersonator who is hired to play at fashionable Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium. "You want me to be a man pretending to be a woman pretending to be a shortstop?" Interwoven throughout the comedy of errors and statistical numbers are some surprisingly astute observations about gender perceptions, discrimination and the value of a sure-handed middle-infielder.

* words in red substituted; text from IMDB.com

Victor Rosario, 1991 Fleer

Ted Power, 1990 Topps

Name: Ted Power
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The power of Ted
Key 1989 stat: Ten potential endings
Choose your own adventure: You are Ted Power, private detective by day, major league starter by night. When you're not tracking down criminals, you're throwing nasty splitters and change-ups. It's August 1989 and you're pitching the best game of your season. It's the top of the ninth and your team is up 2-0 thanks to a two-run jack from Pedro Guerrero. You're trying for the complete-game shutout, but suddenly the umpire has tightened the strike zone. You walk R.J. Reynolds and give up a bloop single to Mike "Spanky" Lavalliere, but bounce back to strike out the next two. Barry Bonds is striding to the plate and you see manager Whitey Herzog waddling out of the dugout. "This is it," you think, "he's gonna pull me. I was so freaking close!" But ol' Whitey just says, "Strike him out, kid." Re-energized, you look to the stands, where your wife, Helen, always sits. But something's wrong. Her face is pale and someone is standing too close to her. It's Knuckles Brannigan, the man you put away for a series of burglaries in 1981. You see a glint of steel near Helen's neck, but it's not her necklace — it's a knife. You look this deranged lunatic in the face and see him mouth two words: "Blow it." You realize this degenerate, who has likely bet on the Pirates, is going to kill your wife if you don't serve up a go-ahead home run. A flurry of choices runs through your head.

To throw an 85-mph fastball down the heart of the plate, allowing Bonds to win the game, click here.
To alert stadium security to the situation, click here.
To try and knock the blade out of Knuckles' hand with a heater, click here.
To realize your wife is a constant nag and that you haven't really loved her since she cheated on you four years ago, and therefore complete the shutout, click here.

Ted Power, 1990 Topps

Rance Mulliniks, 1988 Donruss

Name: Rance Mulliniks
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Third base
Value of card: One enormous Adam's apple
Key 1987 stat: 310 aliases
What's in a name: The wordsmiths here at Baseball Card Bust considered inventing a story about Rance Mulliniks' oversize eyeglasses, oversize ears or oversize Adam's apple. Instead, we realized that "Rance Mulliniks" is not actually a name. We attempted to analyze this seemingly random collection of letters, but quickly tired and decided to come up with humorous anagrams instead. Here are some of them: Canine Kills Rum; Unmanlier Slick; Unclean Milk Sir; Secular Milk Inn; Criminal Elk Sun; Manic Nurse Kill; Mink Urine Calls.

Rance Mulliniks, 1988 Donruss