Jim Palmer, 1973 Topps Boyhood Photos of the Stars

Names: Jimmy Palmer, Jim Palmer
Teams: Harrison Public School Aquanauts, Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Boy, ace
Value of card: One inner tube with a hole in it
Key 1972 stat: Two balks
Fun facts about Jimmy Palmer, circa 1954, and Jim Palmer, circa 1972:

• In 1954, Jimmy had a well-maintained, respectable haircut. In 1972, Jim had more hair than a chow chow on Rogaine.
•  In 1954, Jimmy liked to go for a swim down at the local watering hole. In 1972, Jim liked to go for a drink down at the local watering hole.
• In 1954, Jimmy wore a rubber inner tube for safety. In 1972, Jim usually didn't bother wearing rubbers for safety.
• In 1954, Jimmy occasionally posed shirtless for photos. A little after 1972, Jim started wearing even less.

Card submitted by Tyler Kepner

Jim Palmer, 1973 Topps Boyhood Photos of the Stars

Ozzie Canseco, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Ozzie Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A replica penny
Key 1990 stat: One walk
Ways in which people could determine Ozzie from his twin brother Jose:

• Ozzie was the smart one
• Jose was the one with the back-ne
• Ozzie was the one who showered
• Jose was the one who thought Big Mac actually owned McDonald's
• Ozzie was the one in the minors
• Jose was the one who shot off his own finger

Card submitted by Walt Lindberg

Ozzie Canseco, 1991 Upper Deck

Tony Womack, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Name: Tony Womack
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Second base
Value of card: An ounce of Juicy Juice
Key 1997stat: Four binkies used (not counting his daughter's)
It's a father-daughter Matchup on the Bust:

Round 1: Bigger thirst (Winner: Father)
Round 2: More likely to wet themselves in half an hour (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: More stuffed animals owned (Winner: Daughter)
Round 4: More stuffed animals slept with at night (Winner: Father)
Round 5: Bigger base-stealing threat (Winner: Father)
Round 6: Bigger cookie-stealing threat (Winner: Also father)
Round 7: More likely to make you feel old when you realize she's probably, like, 18 now (Winner: Daughter)

Final score: Tony Womack 4, daughter 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Tony ran laps around his little girl, but that doesn't mean that little munchkin didn't steal our hearts. D'awwww.

Card submitted by John Stoddert

Tony Womack, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Roberto Alomar, Sandy Alomar Sr., Sandy Alomar Jr., 1989 Bowman

Names: Roberto Alomar, Sandy Alomar Sr., Sandy Alomar Jr.
Team: San Diego Padres
Positions: Second base, coach, catcher
Value of card: Two ants crawling on an old tube-style TV that was left by the side of the road
Key 1988 stat: Lots of brown clothes
"TV Guide" summary of a 1989 episode of the lowly regarded show "All Those Alomars": "Robby and Sandy Sr. pressure Junior to grow a mustache so he can be like them. Junior refuses and proceeds to shave his whole body in defiance. Robby and his dad argue over who plays second base better, and hijinks ensue. Junior squats a lot. The Griffeys make a guest appearance."

Roberto Alomar, Sandy Alomar Sr., Sandy Alomar Jr., 1989 Bowman

Dizzy Trout and Steve Trout, 1985 Topps Father-Son

Names: Dizzy Trout, Steve Trout
Teams: Boston Red Sox, Chicago Cubs
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Ask your father
Key 1984 stat: 14 loving embraces between father and son
It's time for a family-friendly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: 1950s math teacher glasses (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 2: Feathered coif that could feel at home atop the head of a 1980s all-woman pop-rock group (Winner: Steve)
Round 3: Ears that are threatening to take flight (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 4: Symmetrical eyes that don't beg for the nickname "Dizzy" (Winner: Steve)
Round 5: Honor of being immortalized in a work-of-art illustration (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 6: Possibly, maybe, seemingly racist logo on the card (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 7: Fishy last name (Winner: Tie)

Score: Dizzy 4, Steve 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: In a battle between a couple of Trouts, the big fish comes out on top thanks in part to some little weird red dude swinging big lumber with a bigger chin.

Dizzy Trout and Steve Trout, 1985 Topps Father-Son

Reggie Miller and Cheryl Miller, 1994 Upper Deck USA Basketball (NBA Playoffs Week No. 2)

Names: Reggie and Cheryl Miller
Team: Team Saddest Prom Night
Positions: Guard, forward
Value of card: As much awkwardness as you can fit in a photo
Key 1994 stat: Endless chants of "Cheryl's better!"
It's another family Matchup:

Round 1: Awesome haircut (Winner: Cheryl)
Round 2: Jacket big enough for the whole family (Winner: Reggie)
Round 3: Looks completely comfortable (Winner: Tie      neither)
Round 4: Got along better with Spike Lee (Winner: Cheryl)
Round 5: Worked with a guy nicknamed the Dunking Dutchman (Winner: Reggie)
Round 6: Less dorky (Winner: Cheryl, barely)
Round 7: More likely to survive being hit by that basketball-shaped meteor (Winner: Cheryl)

Final score: Cheryl 4, Reggie 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Reggie may have once scored 8 points in 9 seconds, but he wasn't quick enough to beat his sister today. Once again, Mr. Miller, Cheryl is better.

Reggie Miller and Cheryl Miller, 1994 Upper Deck USA Basketball (NBA Playoffs Week No. 2)

Phil and Joe Niekro, 1988 Topps '87 Record Breakers

Names: Phil Niekro, Joe Niekro
Teams: Cleveland Indians, Minnesota Twins
Positions: Aces
Value of card: That brutal crease makes it worth twice as much
Key 1987 stat: 151 whippersnappers tossed off their lawns
It's time for a brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Older than dirt (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Survived the depression (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Memories of baseball cards in tobacco pouches (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Reputation as a silver fox (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Penchant for eating dinner at 4 p.m., game or not (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Experience playing against Ty Cobb (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Ready to punch you in the face for making fun of his age (Winner: Phil Niekro)

Score: Phil Niekro 1, Joe Niekro 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: As you'd expect, this was a close contest, with two brothers of advancing years going toe-to-toe. But, in the end, Phil Niekro's punch-happy attitude overcame the Twin on this card.

Phil and Joe Niekro, 1988 Topps '87 Record Breakers

Dave Stenhouse and Mike Stenhouse, 1985 Topps Father-Son

Names: Dave Stenhouse and Mike Stenhouse
Teams: Washington Senators and Montreal Expos
Positions: Pitcher and outfield
Value of card: "In my day, a pack of baseball cards was a nickel," said Dave Stenhouse
Key 1984 stat: 26 arguments at family dinners
It's time for an all-in-the-family edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: "Young punk" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 2: "Never amount to nothing" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 3: "Takes after his mother" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 4: "Needs to stop chasing skirts and concentrate on baseball" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 5: "Doesn't know the meaning of hard work" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 6: "Hippy needs a haircut" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)
Round 7: "No son of mine" (Winner: Mike Stenhouse)

Score: Mike Stenhouse 7, Dave Stenhouse 0, Ties 0

Synopsis: Mike Stenhouse may have swept through this battle, but as any son who disappointed his father knows, this is in no way a victory.

Dave Stenhouse and Mike Stenhouse, 1985 Topps Father-Son

Dave and Doug Widell, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 36)

Names: Dave, left, and Doug Widell
Team: Denver Broncos
Positions: Tackle (Dave), guard (Doug)
Value of card: Three rubber pieces from a ripped-apart racquetball
Key 1990 stat: 22 times they shaved each other's faces
It's time for another brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Belief that sleeves are for suckas (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Penchant for wearing sister's shorts (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Mad racquetball skills (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Desire to get sweaty, stay sweaty, live sweaty (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Sweet high-tops, bro (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Life spent in the shadows (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Hair (Winner: Doug Widell)

Score: Doug 1, Dave 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: When you have two brothers who are this similar, you're going to have a close contest. But Doug shined, mainly because his brother's head did too.

Dave and Doug Widell, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 36)

Jay Buhner, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 7)

Name: Jay Buhner
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One frightened child
Key 1995 stat: Chewed through 22 bats
Fun facts about Jay Buhner and the North American beaver:

• The beaver has been extensively hunted for its fur. Buhner has extensively hunted for ways to grow hair.
• The beaver can be regularly found at its home in various bodies of water. Buhner spends lots of time at various watering holes.
• The beaver's young are primarily taken care of by their mother. Buhner's young, as seen above, is wishing desperately for his mother.
• Female beavers are often larger than their male counterparts of the same age. Buhner also liked his women larger than him.
• The beaver is known to eat the water lily, which bears a resemblance to a cabbage stalk. The last time Buhner ate cabbage, it was in sauerkraut and served on top of a 5-foot-long frankfurter at an eating competition.
• When alarmed, the beaver will slap the surface of the water with its broad tail. Buhner has alarmed many broads by slapping them below the tailbone.

Jay Buhner, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 7)

Paul Reuschel and Rick Reuschel, 1977 Topps Big League Brothers

Names: Rick Reuschel, Paul Reuschel
Team: Chicago Cubs
Positions: Pitchers, swapped on card (Rick is on the left)
Value of card: 10 ounces of bear cub dung
Key 1976 stat: 24 girly slap fights with each other in the locker room
It's time for a brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Height (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Weight (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Four-letter first name (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Standard 1970s and 1980s mustache (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Pitcher as position (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Skin's pinkish hue (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Cummerbund as part of uniform (Winner: Tie)
Round 8: Awkward stare (Winner: Tie)
Round 9: Sweet batting helmet with no ear flaps (Winner: Rick Reuschel)
Round 10: 1960s math teacher glasses (Winner: Paul Reuschel)
Round 11: Nickname (Winner: Rick "Big Daddy" Reuschel)

Score: Rick "Big Daddy" Reuschel 2, Paul Reuschel 1, Ties 8

Synopsis: These brothers had a lot in common, but after ridiculous headgear was canceled out by ridiculous eyewear, it took a "Big Daddy" to win the day.

Paul Reuschel and Rick Reuschel, 1977 Topps Big League Brothers

Mike Maddux, 1989 Donruss

Name: Mike Maddux
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Pitcher, lesser-known brother
Value of card: A button off that uniform
Key 1988 stat: Not yet fully immersed in his sibling's shadow
Fun facts about Mike Maddux and his younger brother, Greg:

• Greg Maddux's nicknames included "Mad Dog" and "The Professor." Mike's nickname was "Oh, you're Greg's brother, right?"
• Greg Maddux won at least 15 games for 17 straight seasons, an MLB record. Mike ate at least 15 nuclear hot wings for 17 straight days, a Hooters record.
• Greg Maddux took home 18 Gold Gloves during his playing career. Mike used 18 gloves during his playing career.
• Greg Maddux is one of only 10 pitchers with 300 wins and 3,000 strikeouts. Mike had only 39 wins, but did notch about 3,000 strikeouts with the ladies at the Lucky Loon, his neighborhood tavern.
• Greg Maddux is a consensus first-ballot Hall-of-Famer when he's eligible for election in 2014. Mike's mustache should also receive some votes.

Mike Maddux, 1989 Donruss

Sarah Josephson, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 2)

Name: Sarah Josephson
Event: Synchronized swimming
Medal count: 1 gold, 1 silver
Value of card: An air bubble (not from the nose or mouth)
Key 1992 stat: Synchronized everything except Swatches
Sarah Josephson and synchronized swimming, by the numbers:

1: Number of people on this card named Sarah Josephson
1: Number of people on this card who are Sarah Josephson's twin sister, Karen
0: Idea which one is which
15: Pounds of waterproof makeup applied before each competition
2: Olympic medals
2: Olympic medals in synchronized swimming, which is not a real sport
30: In seconds, airtime that will be dedicated to synchronized swimming over the next two weeks
100: Percent chance we'll still fist-pump if the U.S. takes gold in it

Sarah Josephson, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 2)

Valery and Pavel Bure, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 1)

Names: Valery Bure and Pavel Bure
Teams: Montreal Canadiens and Vancouver Canucks, respectively
Positions: Right winger and right winger, respectively (They *spit* hate American Democrat scum.)
Value of card: 2 Russian rubles (1 ruble = .0333 U.S. dollar)
Key 1991 stat: $13 an hour for a baby sitter
Welcome to Another Alternative Sports Week: The NHL playoffs are well under way, the PGA season is in full swing, and NASCAR drivers are turning left every weekend. It's that time of the year when we here at The Bust bring you a week's worth of embarrassing cards from outside the three major U.S. sports. It's not that we can't find enough sloppy work in the baseball, football and basketball arenas, it's that we stumble across some of the worst cards ever made in sports few in the collecting world care about: hockey, golf, gymnastics, reverse toenail clipping and so on. So, without further ado, behold the bottom of the barrel of the bottom of the barrel.
It's time for a brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Wind-swept 1980s wave haircut (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Refusal to wear pants (Winner: Pavel)
Round 3: Untrustworthy towhead tendencies (Winner: Valery)
Round 4: Sexy Soviet-toned calves (Winner: Pavel)
Round 5: Allegiance to Mother Russia (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Sexy woman's name that is also the title of a legendary 1980s song (Winner: Valery)
Round 7: Age 14 or younger (Winner: Valery)
Round 8: Phallic positioning of hockey stick (Winner: Pavel)
Round 9: Talent (Winner: Pavel)

Score: Pavel 4, Valery 3, Ties 2

Synopsis: Big brother wins again, this time thanks to his talent and sculpted calves. But, really, when two kids escape the tyranny of the U.S.S.R. and both get the coolest rollerblades on the block for Christmas, no one loses. (Except you, Commie scum.)

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Valery and Pavel Bure, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 1)

Ken Griffey Sr., Ken Griffey Jr., Craig Griffey, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Names: Ken Griffey Sr., clockwise from top, Ken Griffey Jr., Craig Griffey
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Two of the three at the kids' table
Value of card: 3 cents (2 cents for Junior, 1 cent for Senior, zilch for Craig)
Key 1991 stat: Four family barbecues a month
It's time for The Matchup, Bloodlines version:

Round 1: Talent, baseball, 1990s-2000s (Winner: Griffey Jr.)
Round 2: Talent, baseball, 1970s-1980s (Winner: Griffey Sr.)
Round 3: Talent, sweeping floors, 1980s-2000s (Winner: Craig)
Round 4: Talent, blueberry muffin making (Winner: Craig)
Round 5: Talent, crocheting (Winner: Craig)
Round 6: Talent, hugs for Grandma Griffey (Winner: Craig)
Round 7: Talent, riding coattails (Winner: Craig)

Score: Craig 5, Junior 1, Senior 1

Synopsis: In a surprising turn of events, the surefire Hall of Famer and his all-star father go down to a little-known cousin for whom posing for a 1992 baseball card proved to be the closest he would ever get to the big leagues.

Ken Griffey Sr., Ken Griffey Jr., Craig Griffey, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Cubs Future Stars, 1980 Topps

Names: Dave Geisel, Steve Macko, Karl Pagel

Team: Chicago Cubs

Positions: Pitcher, second base, outfield, respectively

Value of card: One C-note (if "C" stands for "crap")

Key 1979 stat: One set of parents

Time for a strikingly similar version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Brown hair grown slightly over the ears (Three-way tie)

Round 2: Slightly pink, Caucasian complexion (Three-way tie)

Round 3: Square, bricklayer's chin (Three-way tie)

Round 4: Father named Durwood from Peoria, Ill. (Three-way tie)

Round 5: Mother named Nancy from Peoria, Ill. (Three-way tie)

Round 6: Birth date of Oct. 17, 1955 (Three-way tie)

Round 7: Fake mustache glued on to look different (Winner: Geisel)

Score: Geisel 1, Macko 0, Pagel 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: Despite changing their names in an effort to avoid the media attention that would be thrust upon major league triplets, it's obvious these three came from the same mother, within a few minutes of one another. Lucky for Geisel, he found a fake mustache on the dugout ground, allowing him to take the glory of a Matchup victory from his flesh and blood.

Cubs Future Stars, 1980 Topps

Joe & Brian Sakic, 1993 Upper Deck Bloodlines (Alternative Sports Week No. 5)

Names: Joe and Brian Sakic
Teams: Quebec Nordiques, Erie Panthers, respectively
Positions: Centers
Value of card: A pint of blood, on the ice
Key 1993 stat: One photo shoot on top of a parking garage
It's brother against brother in The Matchup:

Round 1: Mullet, of course (Winner: Brian, by a hair)
Round 2: Talent (Winnter: Joe, by a lot more than a hair)
Round 3: Classy white pocket square (Winner: Brian)
Round 4: Having an actual reason to ever wear a tuxedo (Winner: Neither)
Round 5: Bigger stick (Winner: Brian)
Round 6: Square-headedness (Winner: Brian)
Round 7: Most noogies given to the other brother (Winner: Joe)
Round 8: Clip-on bow tie (Winner: Tie)
Round 9: Firmer grasp on his shaft (Winner: Joe)

Final score: Brian 4, Joe 3 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: The extra time Brian took to grease his mullet the morning of the shoot paid off. He escapes with a narrow win over his brother, leaving Joe to weep on his Stanley Cup rings, Olympic gold medal, all-star jerseys and millions of dollars.

Joe & Brian Sakic, 1993 Upper Deck Bloodlines (Alternative Sports Week No. 5)

Pedro and Ramon Martinez, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Names: Pedro Martinez, Ramon Martinez
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Two sneers
Key 1991 stat: One corrugated fence installed
It's time for a second installment of Family Feud Matchup:

Round 1: Blue (Winner: Pedro)
Round 2: Ability to get the hell out of L.A. (Winner: Pedro)
Round 3: Sneer (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Ability to actually grow a mustache (Winner: Ramon)
Round 5: Ear width (Winner: Tied for Guinness World Record)
Round 6: Eventual relationships with somebody called "Big Papi" (Winner: Pedro)
Round 7: Eventual tacklings of a 70-year-old man (Winner: Pedro)
Round 8: Earliest knowledge of the weather (Winner: Ramon)

Final score: Pedro 4, Ramon 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Sure, Ramon got the height, but Pedro got the titles, including this familial edition of The Matchup.

Pedro and Ramon Martinez, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Keith and Kevin Mitchell, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Names: Keith Mitchell, Kevin Mitchell
Teams: Atlanta Braves, San Francisco Giants
Positions: Outfield
Value of card: Two vials of blood
Key 1991 stat: One shared at-bat
It's The Matchup, family style:

Round 1: Smallness (Winner, Keith)
Round 2: First out of the batter's box (Winner, Keith)
Round 3: Holding the wrong end of the bat (Winner, Keith)
Round 4: Ability to keep eyes open (Winner, Kevin)
Round 5: Teeth chipped on doughnuts, lifetime (Winner, Kevin)
Round 6: Ability to stay in the majors (Winner, Kevin)
Round 7: Hitting other cousin in the back with bat (Winner, Kevin)
Round 8: Creepiness of mustache (Winner, Keith)
Round 9: Who does grandma love more? (Winner, Keith)

Score: Keith 5, Kevin 4

Synopsis: After giving up a big early lead, the diminutive Keith Mitchell rallies back for a win, the only time he has ever outperformed his cousin.

Keith and Kevin Mitchell, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Ken Griffey Sr. & Jr., 1991 Mothers Cookie insert

Names: Ken Griffey Sr. and Jr.
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Left field, center field, respectively
Value of card: One adult magazine
Key 1990 stat: One family financial crisis
Dark days for the Griffey clan: Despite the cancellation of their TV sitcom, "Griffey and Son," the Griffey family seemed to be in good financial shape in 1990. But Junior's uncontrolled taxidermy purchases and growing collection of Russian nesting dolls soon tapped the household's resources. Father and son were forced into desperate measures, including a seedy photo shoot for Butt Fancy magazine. One of the few family-friendly pictures from the session is seen here. The photo spread, titled "King Domes," caused an uproar within the Seattle Mariners community. Team president Jeff Smulyan stepped in, loaning the pair money to live on — under the condition that Junior stop buying so many darned jackalopes.

Ken Griffey Sr. & Jr., 1991 Mothers Cookie insert