Steve Atwater, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 7)

Name: Steve "The Bandit" Atwater
Team: Denver Bron-crones
Position: Defensive back
Fright value of card: Two finger guns, neither pointed at you
Key 1994 splat: More blue fringe than has ever been necessary
Closing another week of terror: Here we are, four days after Halloween, which means the kids have all gotten over their stomach aches and the costumes have all been pushed to the back of the closet, never to be worn again. Let's celebrate with one more horrific example of mid-1990s sports cards, shall we?

What segment of the population is most frightened by this card?

A) Children
B) Actual cowboys
C) Broncos fans
D) Steve Atwater's family
E) The editors of InStyle magazine

Steve Atwater, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 7)

John McNally 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Alternative Sports Week No. 1)

Name: John McNally

Team: The Team with the Goddamn Guns, That's Who

Position: Shooter

Value of card: All the money in the bank McNally just robbed

Key 1991 stat: 25 killed, hundreds wounded

Welcome to Alternative Sports Week: The world of terrible sports cards goes far beyond baseball, football and basketball. Through Christmas, the Bust will bring you wrestlers, hockey players, weight lifters and this guy, John "Shooter" McNally. Happy frickin' holidays.
Don't mess with McNally: "What's that, waitress, you don't have Dr. Pepper? Do you have it when a gun is in your grill?" "Oh, excuse me, barber, you think this mustache should be trimmed a bit? Why don't you recommend that to Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson?" That's right, John McNally was a hard-ass. He carried a gun at all times, pulled it out whenever he felt like it and used it at a moment's notice. His Olympic sport? Bustin' caps in fools' asses. The 5-foot-2, 145-pound accountant from Wichita, Kan., was the most feared man at the Barcelona Games in 1992. He robbed the Dream Team of their gold medals and their bling. With two bullets, he made the nations of the former Soviet Union compete as the Unified team. He pointed his trusty piece at Dick Ebersol while standing at a urinal and made "skeet shooting" NBC's prime-time event for eight straight days. In 1992, John McNally took aim at greatness, and with a fire in his belly and a firearm in his grip, he shot and scored.

One more thing: That gun is pointed at you, punk. Keep reading.

John McNally 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Alternative Sports Week No. 1)

Carlos Perez, 1996 Donruss Rated Rookie

Name: Carlos Perez

Team: Montreal Expos

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Three bullets, for a finger gun

Key 1995 stat: Four 1990s fashion necessities (backward hat, Oakley Blades, mock turtleneck, ridiculous bulge)

Conversation between Donruss photographer and Donruss editor, March 14, 1996:

Donruss photographer: "So, what do you think of this shot?"

Donruss editor: "Well, where do I start ..."

DP: "So you like it?"

Editor: "No, I don't like it. I don't like the shot and I don't like the guy."

DP: "Carlos Perez is one of the hottest rookies this season."

Editor: "I don't care. This guy is breaking every rule in the book."

DP: "Like what?"

Editor: "Like his backward hat. This isn't a home run derby. This is the national pastime."

DP: "C'mon, he's just having fun."

Editor: "Fun? You call those late-1980s Oakley Blades fun? This guy's a pitcher for chris'sakes."

DP: "He's a character. We should embrace him."

Editor: "Embrace him? He's pointing a finger gun at the camera. Who is this guy?"

DP: "He's the youngest brother in the Perez family. You remember Pascual and Melido, right?"

Editor: "That's exactly my point. He's a fool, just like his brothers. He's wearing a mock turtleneck on a hot day. He's all style, no substance."

DP: "That's part of what makes this shot so memorable."

Editor: "The only thing anyone is going to remember about this shot is the snake-like bulge twisting down to his knee."

DP: "Well, this is the only shot of him I got."

Editor: "Just cover up most of his junk with a big square and print this piece of crap."

DP: "Will do, boss."

Editor: (shakes head, takes shot of whiskey)

Carlos Perez, 1996 Donruss Rated Rookie

Sammy Sosa, 1993 Studio

Name: Sammy Sosa

Team: Chicago Cubs

Position: Outfield

Value of card: 75-cent haircut in the Dominican Republic

Key 1993 stat: 716 "finger gun" salutes

10 names for Sammy Sosa's 1993 haircut:

10) The Turtleneck Topper

9) El Feo

8) Cascade into Widow's Peak, No. 4

7) The Big "C" (for "catastrophe")

6) The Finger Gun Flat Top

5) The Drunken Barber

4) Razor Gasp Raiser

3) Fine Lines Between Fashion and Failure

2) The Result of Years of Drug Abuse

1) Hairdo Not

Sammy Sosa, 1993 Studio

Kevin Roberson, 1994 Upper Deck Electric Diamond

Name: Kevin Roberson
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two finger guns
Key 1993 stat: 4-to-1 strikeout-to-walk ratio
Here's looking at you, kid: Kevin Roberson is a hall-of-famer. I don't care that he hit .197 in four partial seasons in the majors. I don't care that he struck out more times than a nervous freshman at a homecoming dance. I don't even care that he once trotted out to left field wearing a replica Bulls jersey because he left his Cubs uniform in a cab on the way to Wrigley. That, my friends, is a hall-of-fame pose. Not only is Roberson giving us the two-gun salute, that smile could melt butter — and hearts.

Kevin Roberson, 1994 Upper Deck Electric Diamond