Marshall Faulk, 1995 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 6)

Name: Marshall Faulk
Team: Indianapolis Colts
Position: Running back
Value of card: Who gives a Faulk?
Key 1994 stat: Almost died 372 times
Here's a drug test anyone can pass: What's the most dangerous thing Marshall Faulk is trying to elude in the above card?

(A) The fire snake that appears to have taken off his lower left leg
(B) The crazed Indy car driver who's trying to run him down
(C) The poisonous gas cloud that's rolling in behind the car
(D) The shards of glass that are falling from the sky
(E) The tripped-out artist who has put him in this situation to begin with

Marshall Faulk, 1995 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 6)

Troy Aikman, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 5)

Name: Troy Aikman
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Saddle sores
Key 1994 stat: Never removed his helmet
Ten confusing things about this Troy Aikman card:

10) It's daytime on the left, but nighttime on the right, making him some sort of time lord.
9) He's wearing a saddle blanket as a toga.
8) Rather than burning his blanket-toga, the fire at his feet is turning into delicious weightless liquid cheese.
7) He's not eating the delicious floating cheese.
6) His throne has to be the least comfortable seat in the West.
5) Those little cowboy statues have giant footballs for hands.
4) It's unclear whether his helmet is translucent or just really well polished.
3) It looks like he's been using his sparkly rings to reflect sunlight and tan his face a deep, leathery brown.
2) His kingdom's flag appears to be in Packers colors.
1) It's unclear whether he brought enough peyote to share with the rest of us.

Troy Aikman, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 5)

Hal Morris, 1995 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Hal Morris
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: First base
Value of card: It's worth more if you burn it
Key 1994 stat: 11 mediocre sports writers who nicknamed him "Hal 9000"
Some things you might not know about Hal Morris that his card explains:

• Turtlenecks made him so hot, it would catch his face on fire.
• He had a a red mustache.
• He was a member of the Fantastic 4.
• He took playing for the Reds quite literally.
• He had an eyebrow that tried to escape.

Hal Morris, 1995 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Pete O'Brien, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Pete O'Brien
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: First base
Value of card: 0.75 pounds of ash
Key 1989 stat: One gray undershirt worn during 162 games
He's red-hot: Oh, man, did Donruss ever nail it here. Pete O'Brien, ladies and gentlemen, was on fire in 1990. He was so hot, his mullet would spontaneously combust during games. He was so hot, he'd light his cigarettes with his finger. He was so hot, he'd boil water by swigging off a bottle, gurgling and spitting it into a pot. He was so hot, he would walk around with yellow, orange and red flames jumping off his back — strangely, with the colors never mixing and staying separate in straight lines. Pete O'Brien was so hot in 1990, he hit .224 with five homers and 27 RBIs. Nice work, Donruss.

Pete O'Brien, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Mike Mussina, 1995 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Mike Mussina
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Ace
Value of card: Three blood-stained feathers
Key 1994 stat: 12 drugs taken before painting a portrait
WARNING! A few warnings about this card:

• WARNING: Lava in the shape of a stoned crow will threaten Mike Mussina.
• WARNING: Skin will start to fall off all Orioles pitchers' arms.
• WARNING: A sea of water and baseballs opens up below the pitcher's mound.
• WARNING: An athletic pitcher will develop a massive beer gut in this illustration.
• WARNING: Baseball field has morphed into a national park.
• WARNING: Giant alien's leg has mysteriously entered the card.
• WARNING: Stenciled street signs depict giant flaming baseballs hitting black-and-orange birds.

Mike Mussina, 1995 Fleer Pro-Visions

Barry Foster, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 6)

Name: Barry Foster
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Running back
Value of card: A steel penny
Key 1993 stat: Zero smelting performed
Man of steel and stuff: Apparently, Barry Foster's wheels are made of steel. Here's what other parts of him are made of:

• Gut: Beer and whipped cream
• Reebok Pumps: Rubber, air and fungus (mostly in the toe)
• Goatee: Sharpie ink
• Socks: Corduroy
• Fingers: Sausages, from the looks of it
• Talent: Mirages
• Back: Something incredibly heat-resistant. That's just not safe, man!

Barry Foster, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 6)

Dan Majerle, 1994-95 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 5)

Name: Dan Majerle
Team: Phoenix Suns
Position: Small forward
Value of card: Four "Thunders" (Majerle's term for passing gas)
Key 1994-95 stat: Head not actually miniscule when compared with torso
Clearing up some rumors related to"Thunder" Dan Majerle:

• Majerle did not have a magical hawk that vaguely resembled a fish and shot lighting from its talons. He did have a guinea pig named Sparky, though.
• If Majerle did have such a magical hawk, the bird would probably have more feathers than Majerle's hair does.
• Majerle could not fly by shooting flames out of his legs. But he did run really fast after trying to light his flatulence on fire one time.
• Majerle did, in fact, make inappropriate hand gestures on occasion.
• Phoenix is not actually a desert wasteland with more cacti and buttes than people. It does, however, have a poisonous cloud of pollution hanging over it.
• Majerle could not soar miles above the Earth. If he had been able to, maybe he would have drove more often instead of jacking up so many threes.

Dan Majerle, 1994-95 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 5)

Jeff Montgomery, 1998 Topps Opening Day

Name: Jeff Montgomery
Team: Kansas City Firemen Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Smoke inhalation
Key 1997 stat: Pulled the fire alarm 27 times as a prank
Safety first, kids: The honchos at Topps probably thought this card was pretty funny, but we see several fire code (and good taste) violations in the photo. Therefore, we see no choice but to assess some fines.

• $50 for removing the only fire extinguisher in the building and using it as a prop.
• $150 for having Jeff Montgomery make inappropriate gestures with the extinguisher's hose and nozzle.
• $25 for Photoshoping flames on Montgomery's chest, defeating the purpose of him being a fireman or whatever.
• $65 for Montgomery not strapping down his hair helmet.
• $1,000 for subjecting us to a photo of Montgomery wearing a sleeveless, snap-down vest with no shirt underneath. Creepy.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp.

Jeff Montgomery, 1998 Topps Opening Day

Craig McMurtry, 1987 Blue Jays Fire Safety Set

Name: Craig McMurtry
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 18 burnt mustache hairs
Key 1987 stat: Didn't do nothin'
Quotable quote from the back of the card: "Craig McMurtry says this about smoke: 'Every team should have a pitcher that throws it. Every home should have an alarm that detects it.'"
Stop, drop and gag: Here are some of the ways in which the above card does and does not promote fire safety.

• It promotes fire safety by eschewing the use of loud, incendiary colors in favor of a simple black-and-white, homemade color scheme.
• It does not promote fire safety in that it lies about Craig McMurtry being a Blue Jay. Dude never threw a pitch for the team. Liar, liar, pants on fire!
• It promotes fire safety by using a photo of McMurtry taken off a TV screen rather than having him drive in and get his muffler all hot.
• It does not promote fire safety by flaunting all that arm hair. Those limbs are just a tinderbox, ready to blow!
• It promotes fire safety by having McMurtry wear those glasses rather than use them to fry insects or       considering the size of the lenses       small cities.
• It does not promote fire safety by inducing a coma just by looking at it. Come on, man, we could have had a candle burning!

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Craig McMurtry, 1987 Blue Jays Fire Safety Set

Ozzie Smith, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 6)

Name: Ozzie Smith
Team: Washington Wizards St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One YouTube clip of some kid talking about "Magic: The Gathering"
Key 1993 stat: Mustache was perfectly flat
Good vs. evil: Ozzie Smith was known as "The Wizard" during his playing days, thanks to his flashy but solid defense and success with the bat. Here, in this LSD-inspired card, Smith is portrayed as an actual wizard, though one who uses a baseball glove instead of a staff or wand. But does he use his magical powers for good or evil? Let's investigate.

Good: Has the ability to call wild birds to him; doesn't mind when they poop on his shoulder.
Evil: Uses said birds to steal Tony Gwynn's halo of baseballs.
Good: Plants little pine trees along his yellow-brick driveway.
Evil: Seems happy that there's some sort of forest fire happening on the left side of the card.
Good: Lives in a bright, magical castle that totally increased his neighborhood's property values.
Evil: Despite its hue, said castle is not "green," lacking solar panels, composting and a recycling program.

Verdict: Hell, who cares? These cards have inspired us to drink a little mushroom tea. If you need us, we'll be examining the shrubs for the next six hours.

Ozzie Smith, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 6)

Dwight Gooden, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Dwight Gooden
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: A pile of ash
Key 1990 stat: Third-degree burns
Artistic quiz time: What was the inspiration for this portrait of the Doc?

A) Gooden's blazing-fast heater, known to frighten children and right-handers alike
B) Gooden's propensity to inhale toxic substances (in this case, glove smoke)
C) Gooden's paralyzing fear of the dark, which led him to burn his own possessions at night
D) That time Gooden wore his glove for a shoe and his teammates gave him a hot foot
E) A and D

Dwight Gooden, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Tre Johnson, 1994 Fleer NFL Prospects (Football Friday No. 124)

Name: Tre Johnson
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Offensive lineman
Value of card: 3 ounces of burnt steel
Key 1993 stat: 16 rolls of tape layered around knees and ankles, daily
Washington Redskins' scouting report on draft pick Tre Johnson: "This guy puts the 'offensive' in 'offensive lineman.' ... By the looks of this card, we can count on him to always be on fire. ... If this guy's face mask were any bigger OH MY GOD IS THAT A GIANT BABOON EMERGING FROM THE FLAMING MOLTON STEEL BEHIND TRE JOHNSON? HOW DID NO ONE SEE THAT GIGANTIC GREAT APE'S FACE PEERING FROM BEHIND THIS GUY AND INTO OUR SOULS? A BABOON! A DAMN BABOON! FLEER ALLOWED A BABOON TO GET ON A FOOTBALL CARD!"

Tre Johnson, 1994 Fleer NFL Prospects (Football Friday No. 124)

Bryant Young, 1994 Fleer NFL Prospects (Football Friday No. 86)

Name: Bryant Young
Teams: San Francisco 49ers, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, Gandalf's Ring-Bearers
Positions: Defensive line, best pal
Value of card: One ring (to rule them all)
Key 1993 stat: One trilogy; three volumes, two books apiece
Frodo's right-hand lineman: Gather 'round, young fantasy fans, and hear the story of Bryant "Samwise" Young, a simple defensive lineman whose devotion to cornerback Aaron "Frodo" Glenn helped Middle-Earth's inhabitants survive the most evil of threats. After Frodo Glenn found a football partially buried near the 40-yard line in The Shire, Samwise Young was tasked with accompanying his young Hobbit friend on a destiny quest to the fabled land of End Zone, where the two would spike the football into the fiery depths of Mordor's Cracks of Doom. They survived bloody battles, walked for eons and had hundreds of homo-erotic encounters, all in the name of fellowship. But near their goal, Frodo Glenn became too exhausted to continue the journey. Young Sam Young used all his might to help his companion, and, after a struggle with the disgusting "Gollum" Cook, the football was cast into the fire, thus ending their destiny quest, and their passionate love affair.

Bryant Young, 1994 Fleer NFL Prospects (Football Friday No. 86)

Ruben Sierra, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Ruben Sierra
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Sand
Key 1990 stat: Six tones of red
Clearing up some rumors about Ruben Sierra:

• Ruben Sierra did not huff his own bat. He only huffed glue.
• He did not wear a badge bigger than his head. Few things were bigger than his head.
• He did not play in Arizona, the only U.S. state with saguaros.
• He was not the star of "Dune." He just wished he was.
• Smoke from the things he burned did not turn into clouds. Usually.
• His pants did not have more wrinkles than Betty White's face.

Ruben Sierra, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Mike Singletary, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (NFL Kickoff Week No. 7)

Name: Mike Singletary

Team: Chicago Bears

Positions: Middle linebacker, among the flames

Value of card: Dollar bill, burned to ash

Key 1990 stat: Third-degree burns

Nothing cold about him: Mike Singletary had a steely stare and a fire burning inside. He fanned the flames of the vaunted Bears defense - when he was hot, so was the team. The middle linebacker attacked quarterbacks with a blaze of speed and devoured running backs at every turn. He was the spark the team needed and turned up the heat on the opposition. But if opponents really wanted to ignite his anger, they did one thing: They called him a flamer.

Mike Singletary, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (NFL Kickoff Week No. 7)

Aaron Glenn, 1994 Fleer NFL Prospects (Football Friday No. 4)

Name: Aaron Glenn
Team: Texas A&M
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One ring (to rule them all)
Key 1993 stat: 72 orcs slain
He's no hobbit: Gather 'round and hear the tale of Aaron "Frodo" Glenn, a simple cornerback who faced an incredible task. Walking through the wooded land of College Station, Texas, Aaron noticed a football partially buried in the ground. He unearthed the ball, picked it up and immediately felt a sense of destiny flow through him. This was the Football of Power, stitched in the fires of Mordor. The ball had long ago been stolen from the sport's evil king and lost in the pages of time. Aaron's find set forth a legendary series of events, teaming him with elves, dwarves and a gray wizard, and pitting him against ogres, demons and tackling dummies. The young defensive back's chore: Return the ball to the land of darkness and cast it into the furnace from whence it came. Aaron, seen here at the gates of the fiery kingdom, overcame the many obstacles set before him, spiked the cursed object into the flames and did the Ickey Shuffle. The dark lord's power was broken, and little Aaron Glenn became a Saint.

Aaron Glenn, 1994 Fleer NFL Prospects (Football Friday No. 4)