Doug Bird, 1982 Donruss

Name: Doug Bird
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A feather in your mouth
Key 1981 stat: Twice tried to eat the ivy at Wrigley
Here's what Doug Bird stands for:

Dude's been working on his tan more than he has his curveball
Oiled up his biceps before this shot
Uncle Doug bought all the kids mesh jerseys for Christmas
Gap-toothed? Or is that just some leftover chew on that incisor?

Bird is a fitting last name for this guy, given his wings
It's not wrong to want to grab hold of those handlebars
Ratio of forehead to rest of face appears to be 1:1
Doubtful that Bird was the often word, except in the loss column

Doug Bird, 1982 Donruss

Tré Johnson, 1994 Bowman (NFL Draft Weekend, No. 3)

Name: Tré Johnson
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Offensive lineman
Value of card: One missing tooth
Key 1993 stat: Constantly impressed
Amaze Tré — take this quiz:

Finish Tré Johnon's sentence: "Daaaaaaaayummmmm, _____"
A) Gina!
B) Coach Gibbs! You really fill out that Spandex!
C) why are my ears so freakishly small?
D) ice cream man! I buy all your Drumsticks every day, and every day you come back with more!
E) playing football without pads hurts!

Tré Johnson, 1994 Bowman (NFL Draft Weekend, No. 3)

Joe Klecko, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 14)

Name: Joe Klecko
Team: New York Jets
Positions: Nose tackle, monster
Value of card: One $5 gift card to Barnes & Noble
Key 1985 stat: One fivehead
It's alive: Jets coach Joe Walton needed a nose tackle in 1985, but no one on his roster fit the bill. An abundance of linebackers, ends and copies of Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein" left the coach with but one choice: building his own runstopper. He surreptitiously signed a handful of undrafted rookie free agents and harvested their best features, including three foreheads, to create the best nose tackle in the league. Kleckostein, despite having eyes without pupils, dominated the league, recording 7 1/2 sacks and frightening everyone around him. But upon discovering the horrific truth at the end of the season, NFL Commissioner Pete Rozelle ordered Walton to destroy his inhuman creation. Walton refused, instead fleeing with Kleckostein one night to the wilds of northern Canada. The two live there to this day, tackling moose, bears and caribou to make ends meet.

Joe Klecko, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 14)