Randall Cunningham, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 62)

Name: Randall Cunningham
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Lots of leg
Key 1992 stat: One surgically repaired knee
Top 10 things about this card:

10) The mustache
9) The cinderblock wall
8) The T-shirt
7) The rehab machine/torture device
6) The panic button atop the rehab machine/torture device
5) The flat-top
4) The stare-at-my-crotch poster
3) The shorts
2) The shorts
1) Definitely the shorts

Randall Cunningham, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 62)

Big Boss Man, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 2)

Name: Big Boss Man
From: Cobb County, Ga.
Signature move: Boss Man Slam
Value of card: Being tasered in the face
Key 1990 stat: Probably did some bossing
Crimes that Big Boss Man was accused of during his pro wrestling career:

• Impersonating a police officer
• Impersonating an athlete
• Grand theft doughnut
• Assault with a deadly flat-top
• Thankfully, not indecent exposure

Big Boss Man, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 2)

Earnest Byner, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 55)

Name: Earnest Byner
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Running back
Value of card: Earnestly ... nothing
Key 1990 stat: 761,964 stretches
Some of the sounds and words Earnest Byner uttered during this stretching session:

• Ooooh
• Ahhhhh
• Feel it. Feel it. Feel it.
• Oooooh, yeah.
• Thigh power. Thigh power, baby.
• Hey, who are you and why are you taking my picture?
• I've been really trying, baby. Trying to hold back these feelings for so long. And if you feel, like I feel baby. Come on, oh come on. Let's get it on.
• Ya-ouch! Groin pull!

Earnest Byner, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 55)

Edgar Diaz, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Edgar Diaz
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Infield
Value of card: 2 gum balls (chewed)
Key 1990 stat: 162 games spent daydreaming in the dugout
Let's see what Edgar Diaz stands for:

Eyes were covered by a vending machine purchase
Dollar shades, $5 haircut
Glasses blocked out the sun — and the ridicule of the masses
Arrived at the decision to gaze at the clouds when he couldn't look himself in the mirror
Radical look? Not so much

Didn't realize he was soon to be nominated for "Coolest Dude on the Brewers"
Incidentally, he stole these shades from a 6-year-old
Awful look in 1991, but a stylish hipster in 2014
Zero chance his teammates let him live down this card

Edgar Diaz, 1991 Upper Deck

Norm Snead and Earl Morrall, 1973 Topps NFL Passing Leaders (Football Friday No. 206)

Names: Norm Snead, Earl Morrall
Teams: New York Giants, Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Zero rushing yards, combined
Key 1972 stat: Zero logos
It's time for a pass-happy edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Movie star bangs (Winner: Snead)
Round 2: Military flat top (Winner: Morrall)
Round 3: Dentist-friendly teeth (Winner: Snead)
Round 4: Johnny Unitas look-alike (Winner: Morrall)
Round 5: Desire to represent team (Winner: Tie, neither)
Round 6: Four-letter first name that could be the same as your grandfather's (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Crayola-drawn jersey (Winner: Morrall)

Score: Morrall 3, Snead 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: When two top passers get matched up, the contest is sure to be tight. Luckily for Morrall, a 4-year-old with a crayon helped push him over the edge to victory.

Norm Snead and Earl Morrall, 1973 Topps NFL Passing Leaders (Football Friday No. 206)

Michael Dean Perry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 45)

Name: Michael Dean Perry
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Defensive line
Value of card: 6 bottles of Nair
Key 1990 stat: 7 wrestling matches with a Fridge
The shame returns: Yes, it's still baseball season, but preseason football is here, and that's all the reason we need to subject you to more Shameful Sunday Portraits. Get ready to cringe!
Conversation between Michael Dean Perry and a Pro Line photographer, circa August 1991:
Michael Dean Perry: "OK, OK. I know what I want to do."
Pro Line photographer: "Mr. Perry, please just put on your pads and go stand on the field."
MDP: "Nope, I have a better idea. Don't need these."
PLP: "Mr. Perry, please put your pants back on."
MDP: "No sir, I'm free as a bird. Just look at these legs."
PLP: "Those are very nice legs, Mr. Perry. But we have a photo shoot to conduct."
MDP: "I know, I know. Here's my idea: I go pantsless and hang from the goalpost."
PLP: "That's not going to work, Mr. Perry."
MDP: "OK, how about I go pantsless and sit on a tackling dummy."
PLP: "I'm sorry, but my editor will not be OK with that."
MDP: "How about this: I go pantsless and hang out in the stands."
PLP: "Well, you'll be hanging out regardless, I guess. Let's get this over with."
MDP: "Yayyy! Best photo shoot eva!"

Michael Dean Perry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 45)

Dikembe Mutombo, 1996-97 Upper Deck Collector's Choice (NBA Playoffs Week No. 5)

Name: Dikembe Mutombo
Team: Atlanta Hawks
Position: Center
Value of card: (wags finger in your face)
Key 1995-96 stat: (wags finger in your face)
Here are some things that elicited Dikembe Mutombo finger wags:

• Opponents putting up weak shots and getting blocked (not in his house).
• Wearing a classic, tasteful basketball jersey (not in his house).
• Opting not to perform as a facsimile of himself in a car insurance commercial (not in his house).
• Referees calling goal-tending after he brought a stepladder onto the court and put his head in the hoop (not in his house).
• Posing like an idiot for a cheap basketball card (definitely in his house).

Dikembe Mutombo, 1996-97 Upper Deck Collector's Choice (NBA Playoffs Week No. 5)

Fred Roberts, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 4)

Name: Fred Roberts
Team: Milwaukee Bucks
Position: Forward
Value of card: 99 cents off your next flat-top
Key 1989-90 stat: One eyebrow to rule them all
It's halftime of Return of White Ballers Week; here's a quiz: Fred Roberts played 13 seasons in the NBA, but what did he do after he hung up his sneakers?

A) He became a spokesman for the Unibrow Awareness Coalition
B) He joined the Marines, but only for the free haircuts
C) He lost a copyright lawsuit after starting his own television puppet show, "Mr. Roberts' Neighborhood"
D) He started taking part in male beauty pageants
E) He became a judge on TV hit "Top Chef"

Fred Roberts, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 4)

Jeff Jackson, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 4)

Name: Jeff Jackson
Teams: Philadelphia Phillies, "A Different World" cast
Position: Outfield
Value of card: That coin hanging from Jackson's neck
Key 1991 stat: 26 minutes posing in front of a paint crew's truck
Today's fashion model: Here we have Jeff Jackson, who was, obviously, a colorful guy. When Jackson was asked to explain his fashion style, he projectile-vomited after eating a rainbow-color snow cone and everyone agreed he nailed his explanation. When he mistakenly entered the Federal Institute for the Blind, 12 men wearing dark glasses and being led around by service dogs turned to him and said, "That's a hideous shirt." When he walked into a geometry class, the teacher hung Jackson's shirt on the blackboard and said, "Study that." When he stopped to look at a graffiti artist's mural, the wall slunk away in embarrassment. When he tried to buy stereo equipment, the workers asked him to turn down the volume on his shirt. So here's to Jeff Jackson, the brightest guy in the room.

Jeff Jackson, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 4)

Michael Cofer, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 4)

Name: Michael Cofer
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One of those sweat socks — just one
Let's break down Michael Cofer's workout, by the numbers:

15: Spandex stretches
50: Imaginary weight lifts
45: Sweat sock roll-downs
100: Flat top combings
250: Flexes for the camera
10: Continuous hours of standing like a weirdo

Michael Cofer, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 4)

Bruce Armstrong, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 42)

Name: Bruce Armstrong
Team: New England Patriots
Position: Tackle
Value of card: $1 if you can wrestle that earring away from Armstrong
Key 1990 stat: 2,716 hours spent playing "Street Fighter II"
It's time for The Caption, which may have run in a Boston-area newspaper circa 1991, maybe: "Bruce Armstrong, above, practices his best hadoken after playing 'Street Fighter II' for 11 straight hours and always picking Ken as his character and cheesing by only using the hadoken despite his friends telling him he was a cheater and he should pick a different player or, at least, use a different move, all while Armstrong should have been attending practice with the New England Patriots in Boston, Mass., on Thursday."

Bruce Armstrong, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 42)

Calvin Reese, 1992 Bowman

Name: Calvin Reese
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Second base
Value of card: 48 hairs on the ground after making a flat top line
Key 1991 stat: 287,971 times called "Pokey" in his career; one time called "Calvin"
It's time for a kid-friendly pop quiz:

What was Calvin "Pokey" Reese doing 20 minutes before this photo was taken?

(A) Watching Saturday morning cartoons
(B) Eating cereal with marshmallow monsters in it
(C) Changing out of his Little League uniform
(D) Convincing his mom he was really going to a baseball card photo shoot
(E) All of the above

Calvin Reese, 1992 Bowman

Dan Coombs, 1968 Topps

Name: Dan Coombs
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 3 yards of the material lining the outside of this card
Key 1967 stat: 14 "coombs" to run through your hair
Here's what Dan Coombs stood for:

Doorknob-thick glasses allowed him to peer into batters' minds
Acid, man — acid
Never let anyone besides himself cut his hair

Chin made of solid granite
Obscure 1960s pitcher with Hollywood glamour
Object of affection for female shop teachers everywhere
Machine-gun collection forcing us to rethink the direction of this blog post
Bit through tuna cans on teammates' dares
Squinted so hard he pushed his eyes into his sinuses

Dan Coombs, 1968 Topps

Salomon Torres, 1992 Bowman

Name: Salomon Torres
Team: San Francisco Giants
Positions: Pitcher, pitch man
Value of card: 3 ounces of 2-week-old leftover coffee grounds
Key 1991 stat: Zero of his high school sophomore year classes attended
Advertisement (mostly translated) for Dominican Republic beisbols, circa 1991: "Howdy, beisbol fans. I'm 15-year-old Salomon Torres, one of the Dominican Republic's brightest pitching prospects, and I'm here to tell you about beisbols. You might not have ever seen one of these round, white beisbols. We all grew up playing with rocks, rolled-up corn husks or goat feces wrapped in string, but now we have beisbols, the revolutionary invention that will allow us to become even better players in that hellhole to the north, Los Estados Unidos. So put down the dung and grab a beisbol, kid. In two years, with a little bit of 'bols, you might just be the next Salomon Torres."

Salomon Torres, 1992 Bowman

Brian Bosworth, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 7)

Name: Brian Bosworth
Teams: Seattle Seahawks, Cobra Kai
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: 12 kicks to the face
Key 1991 stat: 365 days in the year not concentrating on football
Hollywood is a kick: Brian Bosworth was a lot of things, the least of which ended up being a football player. He might have pretended to be a karate expert, but he was a movie "star." His debut film, "Stone Cold," is a cult classic.
Here's a synopsis of Bosworth's action-packed first film: Joe Huff (John Stone) is a tough, go-it-alone cop with a flair for infiltrating biker gangs. The FBI blackmails Huff into working in an undercover investigation to convict some extremely dangerous bikers angry about the capture of their leader.
Here's a synopsis of Bosworth's action-packed above card: Brian Bosworth (yes, John Stone) is a tough, kick-it-alone fake karate champion with a flair for posing for ridiculous tobacco cards. The Upper Deck card company blackmails Bosworth into being a part of an undercover set of cards that showcase some extremely awkward scenes that make collectors angry about the disregard of their standards of taste.

Brian Bosworth, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 7)

Domingo Jean, 1992 Bowman

Name: Domingo Jean
Team: New York Yankees
Positions: Pitcher, movie villain
Value of card: Not nearly as high as this guy's hair
Key career stat: Won one more MLB game than we did
Try this at home: Here's how to make your very own Domingo Jean (not that you'd want to):

5 parts May Day from "A View to a Kill"
2 parts Donatella Versace (namely, her upper lip and lower lip)
1 part film from a VHS cassette of "Coneheads"
1 part rum
1 JCPenney catalog, shredded

Mix the first three ingredients roughly on a Sunday in the Dominican Republic. Sprinkle with the shredded catalog pages, then send the concoction to New York. Drink the rum and try to pretend that you never saw the finished product. Realize that some things, once seen, cannot be unseen. Then, shudder uncontrollably, and you're all done!

Domingo Jean, 1992 Bowman

Rickey Henderson, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 1)

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Half-naked outfielder
Value of card: $1.99/minute (must be 18 or older)
Key 1991 stat: Zero hits from a sitting position
We'll be giving you nightmares all week: The Score Dream Team sets of the early 1990s contained some of the most awkward, misdirected and erotic shots ever featured on cardboard. Sounds like a perfect fit for The Bust. Let's get started, shall we?
It worked so well the first time: We could point out that there's a good chance this boudoir shot of Rickey be Rickey was taken from the previous year's photo shoot. Or, we could analyze the dream presented here. Let's see, the stacked bases likely represent the mounting responsibilities you find yourself facing. Rickey's flat top means that you believe you will need to keep a level head to deal with these tasks. The Louisville Slugger signifies, erm, your desire to go to Louisville? Yeah, that's it. And Rickey's near-nudity? I don't know, but maybe you should stop watching so much Cinemax right before bed, buddy.

Rickey Henderson, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 1)

Todd Jones, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 3)

Name: Todd Jones
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One of those hairstyle books you see at Supercuts, circa 1992
Key 1991 stat: Mustache thicker than eyebrows
Today's Fashion Model: Let's take a look at fierce young fireballer Todd Jones. Yes, ladies, that is a JCPenney store brand woman's blouse Mr. Jones is daring to don in this photo. But with the help of an immaculate white undershirt and two different styles of almost-gold chains, Todd pulls it off with masculine flair. What was once a flowery top has transformed into a jungle scene befitting this future Tiger. Todd keeps the fashion flowing above the neckline, as well, sporting a month-old flat top and a pseudo-handlebar mustache with a 2-inch gap in the middle of it, both of which form a lovely color scheme with his vivacious V-neck. Todd's not afraid to push the envelope with his style sense, and we give this look our stamp of approval.

Todd Jones, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 3)

Dan Smith, 1992 Bowman

Name: Dan Smith
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A pointy stick
Key 1991 stat: One snoozer of a name
Top 10 things pierced by Dan Smith's epic flat top:
10) A zeppelin (Oh the humanity!)
9) Nolan Ryan
8) Assorted birds
7) Balloons at a child's birthday party
6) Children at a child's birthday party
5) His own hands
4) A baseball hit back at him
3) A 12-pack of Coors Light
2) The Astrodome
1) Mrs. Smith

Dan Smith, 1992 Bowman

John Unitas 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 149)

Name: John Unitas
Team: Baltimore Colts
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Two rusted horseshoes
Key 1970 stat: 10,145 stories told about his greatness 40 years later by old men
One of Unitas' roles was quarterback; here are some other roles he played:

• Hall of Famer
• Leader
• Hero
• Drill sergeant
• Wood shop teacher
• A guy everyone called Johnny
• Drawer of tiny blue football players with skinny legs
• Flat tops-only barber
• Creepy guy staring at you

John Unitas 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 149)