Willie Upshaw, 1997 Oh! Henry Toronto Blue Jays Team Set‏

Name: Willie Upshaw
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Hitting coach
Value of card: Something sticky on your shoes
Key 1996 stat: 841 candy bars eaten
Fun facts about Willie Upshaw and candy bars:

• Candy bars always sound good, but are bad for you in the long run. Willie Upshaw never really sounded good and was definitely bad in the long run.
• Some candy bars come in a "king size" variety. Willie Upshaw had king-size eyeglasses.
• Some candy bars are advertised as being light and fluffy. Willie Upshaw's mustache was the opposite of that.
• If you leave a candy bar in your pocket, it will get too warm and melt. Willie Upshaw would still eat that candy bar.
• Candy bars sometimes contain nuts. You had to have been nuts to make Willie Upshaw your hitting coach.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Willie Upshaw, 1997 Oh! Henry Toronto Blue Jays Team Set‏

Dean McAmmond, 1998-99 Upper Deck Choice (Another Hockey Week No. 7)

Name: Dean McAmmond
Team: Edmonton Oilers
Position: Left wing
Value of card: Deer crap
Key 1998-99 stat: 14 citations from the Canada Fish and Wildlife Department
Oh deer: Always a loner and an oddball, Dean McAmmond would spend his time away from the rink attempting to find acceptance within a herd of deer. He would start by tracking the animals on his snowmobile, and would slowly gain their trust until he could hand-feed them. McAmmond would rummage for grass under the snowpack and would  attempt to protect the young from wolves. His adventure ended swiftly, though, after he was gored in the arm by antlers while fighting a rival buck for mating rights.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Dean McAmmond, 1998-99 Upper Deck Choice (Another Hockey Week No. 7)

Mike Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 59)

Name: Mike Ditka
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Coach
Value of card: $1 off the blue-plate special
Key 1992 stat: 14 pounds of sauerkraut consumed
It's time to steady your stomachs for another Bust recipe: Ditka's is an actual chain of restaurants owned by the actual Mike Ditka. It's got a pretty good reputation, but thankfully no longer serves the Big Tuna Salad Sandwich, pictured above and named after fellow coaching legend Bill Parcells. Here's how you, too, can try that dish:

2 cans of tuna in oil
2 cans of tuna in water
1 tuna steak
1 spicy tuna roll
1 pair of Bill Parcells' dirty boxers
1 picture of Al Toon
4 pounds of mayonnaise
2 slices of white toast
4 ounces of grass from your yard

Make a salad from the grass     don't worry; if you want this dish, odds are you don't eat salad anyway. Then mix all the other ingredients in a large bowl. Pour the mixture into a large skillet, then throw away the bowl. Cook over low heat for 3 hours or until the mayonnaise becomes pungent. Serve on toast, incinerate the excess and throw away the skillet. Enjoy!

Mike Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 59)

David Palmer, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: David Palmer
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One VHS cassette from 2001 with a couple episodes of "24" on it
Key 1988 stat: 29 lips chewed
Conversation between Phillies announcer Harry Kalas and pitcher David Palmer on June 21, 1988:

HK: "We're back, and we're talking to today's winning pitcher, David Palmer who held the Cubs to one run over seven innings today. David, thanks for joining us."
DP: "Dad? Is that you?"
HK: "No, David, this is Harry Kalas, the play-by-play announcer. Now, you looked great out there today, and it was perhaps your best start of the season. What was working for you today?"
DP: "It was great, Dad! I got a hit and they hardly got any! Plus, in between innings, Coach let me go in the clubhouse and play 'Space Invaders.'"
HK: "I see. Well, that's just about all the time we have to    "
DP: "Oh, wow, somebody stuck a lime on the end of the microphone. I'm gonna eat it!"
HK (over the sounds of Palmer chewing on the headset): "No, David! Dad says no! OK, we've got to go. See you tomorrow for more Phillies baseball."

David Palmer, 1989 Upper Deck

Mark Portugal, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Mark Portugal
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One Portuguese centavo
Key 1992 stat: Seven cavities filled by the dentist
A few outtakes from Mark Portugal's autograph session:

• "Dear Andy, nice glove. It looks a lot like mine      in fact, where is my glove? Hey!"
• "To Teddy: No you can't suck on my lollipop. Buzz off, creep-o."
• "For Vince: No, I haven't actually been to Portugal. It's just my name. Please stop asking."
• "Julie, thanks for saying that I look like a less talented Kevin Costner out there. You mean in terms of acting ability, right?"
• "To Alan: Yes, I do think this is what a baseball player is supposed to look like. Now get out of here before I strangle you with my sunglasses strap."

Card submitted by Walt Lindberg

Mark Portugal, 1993 Upper Deck

Lenny Dykstra, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Lenny Dykstra
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One used pair of orange short-shorts (men's, size XXL)
Key 1993 stat: Often distracted
Lenny Dykstra's train of thought at 2:15 p.m., June 22, 1993: "Now that's a great advertisement! I could just stand here and look at it all day. Wait, why is everyone screaming at me? Oh crap, the game started? Fly ball? Where? Oh hell, it's coming right at me!" (Looks up, crumples to the ground, catches ball) "Whew, caught it! Man, that was close. Why did they put such a distracting photo out here, anyway? Oh, hey, look! There are hot wings in it, too!"

Lenny Dykstra, 1994 Upper Deck

Ed Kranepool, 1999 Sports Illustrated Greats of the Game

Name: Ed Kranepool
Team: New York Mets
Position: First base
Value of card: One lobster dinner, left in the sun for 11 hours
Key 1974 stat: 14 times dined and dashed
Pop quiz, alfresco: What's the strangest thing about Ed Kranepool's dinner, pictured above?

A) That it appears to come with a side of French toast and a bagel
B) Iced tea with lobster? What is this, amateur hour?
C) That it's taking place at second base, when the card clearly says he plays first
D) What, no melted butter?
E) That he's tearing apart that lobster with hands the size of George "The Animal" Steele's

Ed Kranepool, 1999 Sports Illustrated Greats of the Game

Scott Eyre, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Name: Scott Eyre
Team: Charleston Rainbows (Texas Rangers affiliate)
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 15 percent tip on nada
Key 1994 stat: 4,809 times it was impossible to live down this card
Steady your stomach, it's time for another recipe:

Rainbow balls
2 regulation baseballs
3 ounces irony
11 pints of missed puns
Dash of childlike innocence
Double entendre to taste

Take the baseballs and set them on a table. Tell an 18-year-old rookie to sit down and pretend to cut the baseballs with a plastic knife and fork. Call over a professional baseball card company photographer. Never mention you're doing this because it's hilarious that a guy sporting rainbows all over his clothes is eating balls. Ridicule the rookie incessantly when the card "comes out." Repeat each year until your career fizzles out.

Scott Eyre, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Ken Griffey Jr., 1992 Upper Deck Looney Tunes Comic Ball

Names: Ken Griffey Jr., Bugs Bunny
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Outfield, down a hole
Value of card: 12 rabbit pellets
Key 1991 stat: Zero seats filled in stadium despite image being Photoshopped
It's time for a Looney Tunes edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Worldwide fame (Winner: Bugs)
Round 2: Mustache "whiskers" (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Lack of embarrassing buck teeth (Winner: Griffey)
Round 4: Righteous blue glove (Winner: Griffey)
Round 5: Shocking sexual innuendo (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Cool custom hat (Winner: Bugs)
Round 7: Anatomical correctness (Winner: Griffey)

Score: Griffey 3, Bugs 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: The laugh-a-minute cartoon rabbit put up an impressive fight, but, in the end, the turtleneck beat the hare.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Ken Griffey Jr., 1992 Upper Deck Looney Tunes Comic Ball

Joe Montana, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Football Friday No. 167)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One end zone seat approximately half a mile from the field
Key 1994 stat: 104 pounds of delicious barbecued meat eaten
Ummmm: Why is Joe Montana so happy?

A) Because he just threw a wedge of Swiss cheese shaped and painted like the Chiefs logo.
B) Because it's raining Gobstoppers.
C) Because he's delighted that the shadow of the goalpost is falling in a completely different direction than the shadow of his arm.
D) Because that little half-size upright is hilarious.
E) Because the artist who drew this card shared some of what he was smoking.

Joe Montana, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Football Friday No. 167)

Herb Washington, 1975 Topps

Name: Herb Washington
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pinch Run. (period)
Value of card: 1 Washington (dollar) minus 99 Lincolns (pennies)
Key 1974 stat: Zero pitches seen
Steady your stomachs, it's time for another Bust recipe:

Pinch of Fresh Herb Washington
1 pinch of fresh rosemary
2 pinches of fresh thyme
3 pinches of fresh oregano
4 pinches of fresh sage
5 pinches of already chewed Skoal
1 dollar bill
Bucket of tears

Mix the fresh herbs, the sickening Skoal and the dollar bill in the bucket of tears. Shake mixture and pour it on the base path, not letting any near the batter's box — ever. Wait for it to do nothing and dry up. Enjoy in an empty stadium in front of as many fans as you'll ever have.

Herb Washington, 1975 Topps

Kenny Rogers, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Kenneth Scott "Kenny" Rogers
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Getting lost in those baby blue eyes
Key 1993 stat: Never once sang "The Gambler"
It's a Matchup, in name only: Let's see how Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers matches up with legendary country singer Kenny Rogers.

Round 1: Flowing mullet (Winner: Baseball Kenny)
Round 2: Soft, magnificent beard (Winner: Singer Kenny)
Round 3: Chain of delicious, convenient chicken restaurants (Winner: Singer Kenny)
Round 4: Ladies seduced with just a look (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Pitched a perfect game (Winner: Baseball Kenny)
Round 6: Sneaked a peak at Dolly Parton's monumental bosom (Winner: Singer Kenny)
Round 7: 2-to-1 eyebrow to eye size ratio (Winner: Baseball Kenny)
Round 8: Gorgeous penmanship (Winner: Baseball Kenny)

Final score: Baseball Kenny Rogers 4, Singer Kenny Rogers 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Baseball Kenny was far from perfect early, but used a late crescendo to drown out the dulcet tones of his musical counterpart, whose cause was hurt by the fact that his tasty poultry eatery is now only open in Asia. Come back, Kenny!

Kenny Rogers, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Dan Majerle, 1994 Pacific Crown Collection (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 3)

Name: Dan Majerle
Team: Phoenix Suns
Positions: Shooting guard, small forward
Value of card: One "pump" of Majerle's shoes
Key 1994 stat: 13,822 unsold mozzarella sticks
Gym rat infestation: As noted on the above card, Thunder Dan opened Majerle's Sports Grill in Phoenix in 1992. The restaurant is still operating, though the menu has changed since the early '90s. Here's a recipe for one of the less popular opening-day menu items, the Thunder Danish (only Oliver Miller tried it, but that guy would eat anything):

8 oz. of flannel
1 pair of dad jeans
2 cups of flour
6 eggs that are a week past the sell-by date
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1 orange shoe lace, minced
1 20-amp fuse, crushed
1 cup of cream cheese

Combine all the ingredients except the cream cheese in a large mixing bowl and slosh around. Remove the jeans and throw them in the dryer until they shrink and harden. Let the mixture sit for five minutes, or until Mark West picks up his first foul, then place the mixture 24 feet from the nearest basketball hoop and yell at it to drive a little more often. Turn on an NBA game and eat the cream cheese with a spoon. Voila!

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Dan Majerle, 1994 Pacific Crown Collection (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 3)

Chris Hanburger, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 151)

Name: Chris Hanburger (at left, we think)
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: All the money in a wishing well (coins excluded)
Key 1973 stat: Led the league in booty
Chris Hanburger's pep talk to his teammates in the above photo: "Men, it seems like we've been playing catch-up all season long, getting ourselves in a pickle game after game. And because we haven't been playing our buns off, our record isn't one to relish. But that doesn't mean anyone's going to come out here and let us win! Look at the Patriots, over there, thinking they can grill us even if they're dressed like a marching band and carrying a flag around. I've got a real beef with them, and you should, too! It's about time we mustered up some courage and strength, so that at the end of the day we can earn a rare victory and consider this a job well done!"

Chris Hanburger, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 151)

Matt Bullard, 1997-98 Upper Deck (Halloween Week 2012 No. 3)

Name: Matt Bullard, feat. Mario Elie, Eddie Johnson and Clyde Drexler
Team: Ghoul-ston Rockets
Position: Forward
Fright value of card: Two open Pixy Stix
Key 1997-98 splat: Ate 70 percent of his kids' Halloween candy
Trick or, well, not treat: We don't have the words for how nonsensical this card is. Not only did Upper Deck decorate the set in a Halloween motif, they figured they should bring in three other players just for this photo. They even included an ear of dried corn on the floor. However, us investigative types at the Bust discovered that this was not the most absurd setting proposed by the folks at UD for this shoot. Here are a few of the ideas Matt Bullard turned down:

• Bullard and Rockets coach Rudy Tomjanovich drinking milkshakes in the team whirlpool
• Bullard and teammate Othella Harrington playing a game of Othello while dressed in costumes from the Shakespeare play "Othello"
• Bullard and teammate Hakeem Olajuwon shirtless, riding horses bareback on a beach in Mexico
• Bullard and teammate Charles Barkley eating all the candy in that bag. (Note: This was actually Barkley's idea.)

Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp.

Matt Bullard, 1997-98 Upper Deck (Halloween Week 2012 No. 3)

Darren Daulton, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 5)

Name: Darren Daulton
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One soiled towel
Key 1993 stat: Zero appreciation of art
A literal interpretation of this candy-colored illustration: Darren Daulton, who refused to ever take off his catcher's gear or cut his hair, takes a break from his side job wiping down tiny bar stools in the land of Westeros to soothe his aching feet in a crumbling block of feta cheese while clouds of poisonous gas hover over the Matterhorn.

Darren Daulton, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 5)

Bo Jackson, 1990 Jumbo Sunflower Seeds Autograph Series

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 14 used sunflower seed shells, still moist
Key 1989 stat: Roughly 2 million images of him doctored
You're doing it wrong: OK, look at the words at the top of this card. Then look at the image. Notice anything missing? If you said, the Royals logo on Bo Jackson's hat, well, you'd be right, obviously. But most food-based sports cards in the early 1990s were required to make players look like they were in the witness protection program. No, what we're going for here is that, for an "autograph series," this card seems to be suspiciously unsigned. And while it's true that you could find Bo's childlike scribbling on the back of the card, what fun is that? Maybe we'll start signing the back of our credit card receipts and see how that goes over. Seriously, this set would have been the worst thing to ever happen to sunflower seeds if not for this article.

Bo Jackson, 1990 Jumbo Sunflower Seeds Autograph Series

Juan Eichelberger, 1982 Topps

Name: Juan Eichelberger
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Just "Juan" cent
Key 1981 stat: One terrible "Juan" pun
Putting the promotion in motion: In 1981 struggling San Diego burger joint Ground Chuck's started a promotion in a desperate bid to save the shop. Owner Chuck Heller offered any Padres fan wearing the urine-and-excrement-colored uniforms the new Eichel Burger for just "Juan," that's right, just "Juan" dollar. If the Padres fan showed up with a homeless man's beard and unwashed hair, as well as the throwup-inspired uniforms, he would get two Eichel Burgers for just "Juan," that's right, just "Juan" dollar. If a fan wearing the uniform and sporting the rat-infested hair and beard-'stache showed up to Ground Chuck's and ordered 10 Eichel Burgers, he'd get a free serial-killer-scrawled autograph from the one-and-only Juan Eichelberger himself. Buy 20? Juan Eichelberger would show up and drink "Juan," yes "Juan" 12-pack of Schlitz with the lucky fan. Buy 50? Ol' Chuck would let the fan in on the Eichel Burger's secret ingredients. (Here's a hint: It wasn't just the uniforms that were inspired by urine and excrement.) Ground Chuck's soon went under.

Juan Eichelberger, 1982 Topps

Will Clark, 1991 Jimmy Dean Signature Edition

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants; Jimmy Dean All-Stars; unknown
Positions: First base, pitchman
Value of card: Two eggs over easy
Key 1990 stat: $650 payday for commercial
A proud tradition: We here at The Bust have fond feelings for Jimmy Dean baseball cards. We remember opening up packages of frozen sausages and pulling out cards wrapped in icy-wet cellophane. Oh, what a combination: mass-produced meat products and mockable cards that don't even have Major League Baseball's permission to use team logos. You remember the greats: a terrible-in-teal Benito, a Kid with a kid's mustache, and a Hurt so big he can't fit within the card's borders. This time? You have a card that's anything but a thrill.

Let's get to meat of this post: Here are 10 "butchered" catchphrases from Will Clark's Jimmy Dean commercial, circa 1990.
10) "Mmm-mmm, this flash-frozen, microwavable breakfast foodstuff is a home run."
9) "Where there's a Will, there's a sausage."
8) "Jimmy Dean sausages — now made from real boots!"
7) "We put the 'age' in 'sausage.'"
6) "Let me tell you, I know Giants, and these sausages are, well, not too giant, actually. But they're a pretty decent size, when compared with what you might get at McDonald's, or Dairy Queen, for instance."
5) "Grab a skillet, then put it away and open the microwave door!"
4) "I'm Will Clark, and I've seen how the Jimmy Dean sausage is made." (barfs)
3) "Jimmy Dean: the choice of athletes who chew three cans of tobacco a day."
2) "Take it from me, the real 'thrill' is tasting these sausage patties."
1) "Jimmy, I'd eat your sausage any time."

Will Clark, 1991 Jimmy Dean Signature Edition