Jim Palmer, 1973 Topps Boyhood Photos of the Stars

Names: Jimmy Palmer, Jim Palmer
Teams: Harrison Public School Aquanauts, Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Boy, ace
Value of card: One inner tube with a hole in it
Key 1972 stat: Two balks
Fun facts about Jimmy Palmer, circa 1954, and Jim Palmer, circa 1972:

• In 1954, Jimmy had a well-maintained, respectable haircut. In 1972, Jim had more hair than a chow chow on Rogaine.
•  In 1954, Jimmy liked to go for a swim down at the local watering hole. In 1972, Jim liked to go for a drink down at the local watering hole.
• In 1954, Jimmy wore a rubber inner tube for safety. In 1972, Jim usually didn't bother wearing rubbers for safety.
• In 1954, Jimmy occasionally posed shirtless for photos. A little after 1972, Jim started wearing even less.

Card submitted by Tyler Kepner

Jim Palmer, 1973 Topps Boyhood Photos of the Stars

Willie Upshaw, 1997 Oh! Henry Toronto Blue Jays Team Set‏

Name: Willie Upshaw
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Hitting coach
Value of card: Something sticky on your shoes
Key 1996 stat: 841 candy bars eaten
Fun facts about Willie Upshaw and candy bars:

• Candy bars always sound good, but are bad for you in the long run. Willie Upshaw never really sounded good and was definitely bad in the long run.
• Some candy bars come in a "king size" variety. Willie Upshaw had king-size eyeglasses.
• Some candy bars are advertised as being light and fluffy. Willie Upshaw's mustache was the opposite of that.
• If you leave a candy bar in your pocket, it will get too warm and melt. Willie Upshaw would still eat that candy bar.
• Candy bars sometimes contain nuts. You had to have been nuts to make Willie Upshaw your hitting coach.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Willie Upshaw, 1997 Oh! Henry Toronto Blue Jays Team Set‏

Bernie Kosar, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 67)

Name: Bernie Kosar
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Splinters
Key 1992 stat: Five times had to call the fire department to get him out of a tree
Fun facts about Bernie Kosar and trees:

• Trees are made of wood. Judging from the way he moved around the pocket, so was Kosar.
• A large tree, such as a mature oak, can use 110 gallons of water a day. Kosar, never mature enough to turn down a challenge, once chugged an equal amount of Stroh's in a day.
• Some trees, such as oaks, create seeds that fall to the ground. That's where most of Kosar's passes fell, as well.
• Trees are planted in soil. On game days, Kosar was also often planted in soil by the D-line.
• In the fall, many trees' leaves turn vibrant colors, such as red, orange and yellow. Kosar's shirt still put those trees to shame.

Bernie Kosar, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 67)

Terry Kinard, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 222)

Name: Terry Kinard
Team: Houston Oilers
Position: Safety
Value of card: One chicken thigh
Key 1990 stat: Occasionally forgot to dress for practice
Three fun facts about the Houston Oilers and Terry Kinard:

• The Oilers could have used a little more coverage in their secondary. Kinard could have used a little more coverage below the equator.
• The Oilers ran a fast-tempo offense. Kinard liked to dress fast and offend everyone. 
• The Oilers were lured away to Tennessee in the mid-1990s by the promise of a new stadium. Kinard was lured by something a little less expensive in Myrtle Beach.

Card submitted by John Stoddert

Terry Kinard, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 222)

Tom McKinnon, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Tom McKinnon
Team: Long Beach Whiteshirts St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Pitcher, soon-to-be designated hitter 
Value of card: One unwashed undergarment
Key 1991 stat: Never smiled
Fun facts about Tom McKinnon and some guy you could pull off the street: 

• Some guy off the street would likely be better-dressed for photo day.
• Some guy off the street might also have had a chance at posting a 3-to-43 walk-to-strikeout ratio while batting in 1994.
• Some guy off the street probably had a high school picture taken with that same backdrop in the 1990s.
• Yeah, well, Tom McKinnon smashed 16 homers and made the all-star team in the independent Big South League in 1996! In your face, some guy off the street!

Tom McKinnon, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Mike Tyson, 1981 Fleer

Name: Mike Tyson
Team: Chicago Cubs
Positions: Second base, slouching
Value of card: A piece of an ear
Key 1981 stat: One intentional walk
More fun facts about baseball's Mike Tyson and "Iron" Mike Tyson: 

• Iron Mike was the star of "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out." You didn't need to be a star to punch out baseball Mike at the plate.
• Iron Mike's bicep measured 16 inches. Baseball Mike's boiler was more than triple that.
• In his free time, Iron Mike likes to care for pigeons. Baseball Mike's only friend growing up was a yellow parakeet named Butter.
• Iron Mike has a tattoo on his face. Baseball Mike appears to have a marmoset on his face in the above photo.
• Iron Mike once said he wanted to eat an opponent's children. Baseball Mike once ate four boxes of Sour Patch Kids in one sitting.
• Iron Mike starred in a short-lived reality series on Animal Planet called "Taking on Tyson." Baseball Mike watched a couple of episodes on his couch.

Mike Tyson, 1981 Fleer

Patrick Ewing, 1997 Sports Illustrated for Kids (Halloween Special 2014)

Name: Patrick Ewing
Team: New York Ticks
Positions: Center, monster
Value of card: One bolt in the neck
Key 1997-98 splat: 26 games played
Happy Halloween from the Bust. Here are a few things that Patrick Ewing and the Knicks have in common with Frankenstein:

• Frankenstein's monster shuffled around slowly when walking. Sounds like Patrick Ewing in the late '90s to us.
• Frankenstein's monster was sewn together using parts from stolen from corpses. We're pretty sure Ewing's knees have a similar story.
• "Young Frankenstein" is pretty funny, but not as funny as New York Knicks basketball.
• "Frankenstein" is a horror story, but if you want to scare a Knicks fan, just tell them Isaiah Thomas is taking over as GM again.

Patrick Ewing, 1997 Sports Illustrated for Kids (Halloween Special 2014)

Jim Lyttle, 1979 TCMA Japanese Pro Baseball

Name: Jim Lyttle
Team: Hiroshima Toyo Carp
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Carp crap
Key 1978 stat: Kept telling his buddies he had signed with the Reds and had the helmet to prove it
Fun facts about Jim Lyttle and actual carp:

• Carp are an oily freshwater fish native to Europe and Asia. Lyttle was an oily ballplayer who moved to Asia to get fresh with the ladies.
• Some carp species have a large hump along their backs. With a sweet mustache like his, you know Lyttle did a lot of humping back in his day.
• Types of carp include goldfish and koi. Lyttle's glasses resemble an aquarium.
• Many families eat carp in some parts of the world. Lyttle's play was so poor, he had a hard time feeding his family.
• Several species of carp are considered invasive species, and millions of dollars are spent trying to control them. Lyttle's body odor was considered invasive, and dozens of teammates tried to make him shower more often.

Jim Lyttle, 1979 TCMA Japanese Pro Baseball

Kermit Alexander, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 190)

Name: Kermit Alexander
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: 
Key 1971 stat: Never actually ran like that on the field
Fun facts about Kermit Alexander and Kermit the Frog:

• Kermit the Frog spends much of his day with someone's hand up his backside. Judging by this pose, it looks like Kermit Alexander is hoping for that sort of thing, too.
• Kermit the Frog's skin is made of felt. Kermit Alexander's hair is made of felt.
• Kermit the Frog has starred in several feature films. Kermit Alexander has been featured in several highlights of other stars scoring touchdowns.
• Kermit the Frog is friends with the insatiably hungry Cookie Monster. In 1973, Kermit Alexander was teammates with the insatiably hungry Tom Dempsey.
• Kermit the Frog is in a relationship with Miss Piggy. Kermit Alexander dated a few swine in his day, as well.

Kermit Alexander, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 190)

Doug Bird, 1981 Fleer

Name: Doug Bird
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two scrambled eggs, complete with eggshells
Key 1980 stat: Bird was not the word
Fun facts about not-very-good pitcher Doug Bird and actual birds:

• Most actual birds use their wings to fly. Doug Bird's wings couldn't get him off the ground, but they did stick out from under his hat.
• Birds use their beaks for many purposes including hunting, grooming and courtship. Doug Bird used his mustache for many purposes, including saving food for later and courtship, but seldom was grooming involved.
• Birds reproduce by laying and hatching eggs. Doug Bird once ate 74 eggs in one day.
• Some birds, like pelicans, can store pounds of food in their gullets. Doug Bird is seen above storing pounds of chew in his gullet.
• Many birds are lithe and graceful. Doug Bird once tripped over his own rosin bag.

Doug Bird, 1981 Fleer

Reggie Cleveland, 1981 Fleer

Name: Reggie Cleveland
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: An empty can of Old Milwaukee
Key 1980 stat: Not yet mentioned in Bill Simmons' column
Fun facts about pitcher Reggie Cleveland and the city of Cleveland, Ohio:

• The city of Cleveland lies on the shore of Lake Erie. Reggie Cleveland has passed out on the shore after drinking too many brewskis.
• The city of Cleveland once saw the Cuyahoga River light on fire. Reggie Cleveland once lit his own flatulence on fire.
• The city of Cleveland is the 45th-largest city in the U.S. Reggie Cleveland had the fourth- or fifth-largest beer gut among the Brewers.
• The city of Cleveland has been called "The Cleve." Reggie Cleveland has been called "The Creep."
• Summers in the city of Cleveland are hot and humid. So are Reggie Cleveland's armpits.
• The city of Cleveland is home to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Reggie Cleveland has been to his share of KISS concerts, but will certainly never be in the Hall of Fame.

 

Reggie Cleveland, 1981 Fleer

Mickey Tettleton, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings

Name: Mickey Tettleton
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One Mickey's cap (not Tettleton's hat)
Key 1989 stat: Apparently, dodged a lot of paintballs
Fun facts about Mickey Tettleton and American painter Jackson Pollock:

• Jackson Pollock was renowned for dripping paint on the canvas. Mickey Tettleton was renowned for letting the last few drops drip down his pants.
• Pollock's work has been displayed in the MoMA. Tettleton's trophies are still on display at his mom's house.
• One of Pollock's most impressive works was "No. 5 1948." Tettleton once took an impressive No. 2 after eating 1,948 doughnut holes in a day.
• Pollock's art has been the subject of much critical debate. Tettleton's play was also the subject of much criticism.
• Pollock died in 1965, and was thus spared from the ridiculous 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings subset, including this Tettleton card.

Mickey Tettleton, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings

Randall Cunningham, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 7)

Name: Randall Cunningham, aka "Rocket Man"
Team: Fear-adelphia Eagles
Positions: Quarterback, shooting high through the air
Value of card: 11 dead birds (rotting ones)
Key 1993 splat: Zero completions with a metal football
Fun facts about Elton "Rocket Man" John and Randall "Rocket Man" Cunningham:

• "Rocket Man" Elton was a performer who wore flamboyant clothes made especially for him. "Rocket Man" Randall was a performer who wore flamboyant clothes made exclusively from trash.
• "Rocket Man" Elton has more than 40 top-10 hits. "Rocket Man" Randall has sustained more than his share of hits.
• "Rocket Man" Elton is known for songs including "Candle in the Wind" and "Bennie and the Jets." "Rocket Man" Randall is known for breaking wind and beating the Jets.
• "Rocket Man" Elton is an award-winning singer, songwriter, pianist and composer with English roots. "Rocket Man" Randall speaks English.
• "Rocket Man" Elton's ostentatious outfits included wide-brimmed hats and high-heeled shoes. "Rocket Man" Randall's above outfit includes a garbage-can hat and one shoe that doubled as an iron lung.

Randall Cunningham, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 7)

Hardy Nickerson, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 3)

Name: Hardy Nickerson, aka "Hyena"
Team: Tampa Slay Buccaneers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Fleas
Key 1994 splat: Watched "The Lion King" 32 times in preparation for this shoot
Fun facts about Hardy "Hyena" Nickerson and real hyenas:

• Hyenas are primarily nocturnal animals, but may leave their lairs in the early morning. Nickerson was also primarily nocturnal, though he rarely left his "lair," also known as his parents' basement.
• Hyenas have a reputation for scavenging food that has been killed by other animals. Nickerson had a reputation for stealing his teammates' lunches from the fridge.
• Some hyena traits are similar to those of dogs, while others are more cat-like. Nickerson definitely looks more like a puss in this photo.
• Hyenas groom themselves often and have a cat-like way of licking their genitals. Nickerson rarely groomed himself, but did try repeatedly to accomplish the other thing.
• Hyenas are known for their calls that sound like human laughter. Nickerson heard plenty of laughter from many humans after this card came out.

Hardy Nickerson, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 3)

Jose Canseco, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A lump of ear wax
Key 1990 stat: Never actually struck by lightning
Fun facts about slugger Jose Canseco and lightning:

• Lightning is seen as a bright flash, often coming down toward Earth. Canseco is neither bright nor down-to-earth.
• Worldwide, lightning occurs about 40 to 50 times a second. Canseco turns the light switch on and off 40 to 50 times a minute for his own entertainment.
• Fear of lightning is called "astraphobia." Change "tra" to "swipe" and you have the word for the fear of Jose Canseco.
• Lightning strikes can cause, among other things, burns to humans. Jose Canseco has burned most of the people he's known.
• Lightning creates ozone, which carries a distinct, metallic smell. Canseco also carries a distinct smell, similar to hair gel mixed with Chef Boyardee-brand ravioli.

Jose Canseco, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Mike Tyson, 1974 Topps

Name: Mike Tyson
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Shortstop, super featherweight
Value of card: Two bloody mouthpieces
Key 1973 stat: One more home run than we hit that year
Fun facts about Mike Tyson the shortstop and "Iron" Mike Tyson the boxer:

• Iron Mike was one of the most intimidating figures in his sport. Baseball Mike couldn't even intimidate the bat boys.
• Iron Mike had a video game named after him. Baseball Mike had a bowl of soup named after him.
• Iron Mike had a cameo in the film "The Hangover." Baseball Mike was a late-inning replacement in several games that he showed up to hung over.
• Iron Mike once bit off part of another fighter's ear. Baseball Mike had his mother cut his meat for him until he was 15.
• Iron Mike has a checkered history with women, to say the least, including three marriages, allegations of domestic abuse and a rape conviction. Baseball Mike is still working up the courage to talk to that cute waitress at the Denny's.

Mike Tyson, 1974 Topps

Karl Malone, 1992-93 Upper Deck FaniMation (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 2)

Name: Karl "The Mailman" Malone
Team: Utah Jazz
Position: Power forward
Value of card: 46 cents (current stamp price)
Key 1991-92 stat: Zero letters delivered
Fun facts about Karl "The Mailman" Malone and real mail carriers:

• The Mailman delivered victories and excitement to legions of fans. Mail carriers deliver letters and parcels to fewer and fewer households.
• The Mailman for years sported short-shorts. Mail carriers for decades have also sported short-shorts.
• The Mailman made millions of dollars over his distinguished career. Mail carriers survive millions of paper cuts over their distinguished careers.
• The Mailman, for years, was a force in the post. Mail carriers, for certain, force you to wait at the post office.
• The Mailman, for a power forward, was a feared shooter. Mail carriers, for a time, were feared shooters.

Karl Malone, 1992-93 Upper Deck FaniMation (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 2)

Joe Morgan, 1989 Topps

Name: Joe Morgan
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Manager
Value of card: A bowl of "tomato soup" (actually just a whole tomato in a bowl of warm water)
Key 1988 stat: Saddest eyes in the American League
Fun facts about former Red Sox manager Joe Morgan and Reds Hall-of-Famer Joe Morgan:

• Red Sox Joe Morgan hit .191 in 88 big-league games during his career. Reds Joe Morgan had somewhat better statistics.
• Red Sox Joe Morgan was fired after four seasons despite winning two division titles in that span. Reds Joe Morgan lasted 21 years as an announcer for ESPN despite having just two good calls the entire time.
• Red Sox Joe Morgan spent much of his time sitting on the bench. Reds Joe Morgan once sat on Johnny Bench, after the catcher had fallen asleep in the locker room.
• Red Sox Joe Morgan managed one of the game's all-time leading jerks. Reds Joe Morgan played with one of the league's all-time leading jerks.

Joe Morgan, 1989 Topps

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Heroes (Football Friday No. 158)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami — you guessed it — Dolphins
Position: Quarterback, marine mammal
Value of card: 11 fish sticks (3 years old and freezer burned)
Key 1991 stat: 22 Isotoner commercials
Fun facts about dolphins, the beloved sea creature, and Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino:

• Dolphins are marine mammals related to whales and porpoises. Dolphin Dan Marino was a land mammal who never had relations with a "whale" on purpose.
• Dolphins are often regarded as one of Earth's most intelligent animals. Dolphin Dan Marino was rarely regarded as one of the NFL's most intelligent players.
• Dolphins communicate using a variety of clicks, whistle-like sounds and other vocalizations. Dolphin Dan Marino communicated using a variety of clicks, whistle-like sounds and other vocalizations.
• Dolphin copulation usually begins belly to belly, and many species engage in lengthy foreplay. Dolphin Dan Marino's copulation usually begins with Winner's Cup Vodka, and he sneers at the second part of this sentence.
• Dolphins have long been a favorite of popular culture, appearing in TV series such "Flipper" and  "SeaQuest DSV." Dolphin Dan Marino has long been a laughingstock of popular culture, appearing in movies such as "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective." 

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Heroes (Football Friday No. 158)

Lenn Sakata, 1981 Donruss

Name: Lenn Sakata
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Second base
Value of card: 2 ounces of crumbled cicada shells
Key 1980 stat: 29 instances where Sakata's similarity to the Orioles mascot was pointed out by fans
Fun facts about the cicada, a winged insect, and Lenn Sakata, an Orioles infielder:

• The cicada is recognizable by its transparent, well-veined wings. Sakata is recognizable by his curly, well-groomed wings.
• The cicada is related to leafhoppers and spittlebugs. Sakata is related to people who get hopped up and spittle all over themselves.
• The cicada has prominent eyes set wide apart on its head. Sakata has prominent glasses that make his eyes appear to be set wide apart on his head.
• The cicada comes out of its shell after a number of years. Sakata comes out of his shell after a number of brewskis.
• The cicada produces its distinctive song through noisemakers called "tymbals" on its abdominal base. Sakata also produces a distinctive noise from what could be called his "abdominal base."

Lenn Sakata, 1981 Donruss