Pat Woodcock, 2004 Jogo CFL (Football Friday No. 224)

Name: Pat Woodcock
Team: Ottawa Renegades
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 1,000 giggles
Key 2004 stat: Wore a shirt that said "Woodcock" to work
Do not pass Go, do not collect $200: Congratulations, Pat Woodcock, on your first-ballot, unanimous Bust Name Hall of Fame erection election. Only the best, such as Rusty Kuntz, Dick Pole and Steve Sharts, have achieved this honor so quickly      but there's no doubt that Woodcock stands up to the test.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Pat Woodcock, 2004 Jogo CFL (Football Friday No. 224)

Johnny Wockenfuss, 1985 Topps

Name: Johnny Wockenfuss
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Catcher, first base, outfield
Value of card: Not enough to make a fuss about
Key 1985 stat: One run
Spruce up your vocabulary: What is the etymology of the word "Wockenfuss"?

(A) It's a German term for a face that has been misshapen by a catcher's mask.
(B) It's from the Dutch for a Just for Men Mustache & Beard model.
(C) It's an Albanian word that describes someone who can pound an entire case of Spam.
(D) It's Philly slang for a washed-up ballplayer.
(E) All of the above.

Johnny Wockenfuss, 1985 Topps

Kevin Mmahat, 1990 CMC

Name: Kevin Mmahat
Team: Columbus Clippers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Mmm, nada
Key 1989 stat: Mmm, still searching
New York Yankees' scouting report on prospect Kevin Mmhat: "Mmm, can't quite figure it out, but there's something about that name I like. ... With that many M's in his last name, maybe he has a few K's in that arm. ... Has a 'hat' in his last name and we wear hats. It's a match! ... According to his glove, his nickname is 'Hat.' So creative. Sounds like a Yankee to me. ... Wait, how the hell do you pronounce this? Ma-hat. Em-em-hat. Ems-hat. Em-ma-hat. Screw it, let's keep him in the minors."

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Kevin Mmahat, 1990 CMC

Bake McBride, 1981 Fleer

Name: Bake McBride
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 3 baked cookies (stale)
Key 1980 stat: Zero times using an oven
A new inductee: We want to welcome Bake McBride to the Name Hall of Fame. It's quite an honor to be included among the likes of Charles Assmann, Dick Pole and Chet Lemon. Sure, McBride's name isn't an easy dick-and-fart joke and, sure, thousands of kids didn't make their own fun cards by erasing his face and drawing a giant fruit head, but you can't deny the awesomeness of a guy with an afro and a dirty beard who looks baked and is named Bake. This Name Hall of Famer would make a fine McBride for any Assmann out there.

Bake McBride, 1981 Fleer

Craig Smajstrla, 1990 CMC

Name: Craig Smajstrla
Team: Tucson Toros
Position: Infield
Value of card: 2 ounces of pigeon poop
Key 1989 stat: 11 bunt attempts missed
Houston Astros' scouting report on minor-leaguer Craig Smajstrla: "Some of our players need a math tutor, so this kid might work out. ... This guy's a clutch hitter for the Toros? That's a bunch of bull. ... Four-tool player: calculator, protractor, compass and pocket protector. ... Forget this guy, let's call up that batting helmet. ... Chin is big league, but we'll need to work on the rest of that face. ... Smaj, Smajst, Smajstr — hell, we don't need a player whose name sounds like toothpaste being sucked through a vacuum cleaner."

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Craig Smajstrla, 1990 CMC

Dickie Thon, 1989 Donruss

Name: Dickie Thon
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 2 stretched-out stirrups
Key 1988 stat: 76 bunt attempts
Here's what Dickie Thon stands for:

Didn't mind being called "Dickie," which is awesome.
In terms of bulge, this guy led the Padres.
Chuckles over his name were common.
Kind of looked like that waiter at the Italian restaurant.
Inside the clubhouse, he played "The Thon Song"
Even his wife couldn't get those stirrups off him.

Thought he was playing pool when he got in the batter's box.
Held the bat like a real pro when bunting.
Only player on the Padres who liked the 1980s uniform colors.
Never met an extra-large cup he wouldn't wear.

Dickie Thon, 1989 Donruss

Coco Crisp, 2014 Topps

Name: Covelli "Coco" Crisp
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Spilled milk
Key 2013 stat: Kept it old school
A historic hair day: Baseball Card Bust today welcomes Coco Crisp into its Afro Hall of Fame. Standing more than a foot tall and having batted .312 with 84 home runs (with the ladies), the Coco-Fro has more than earned this hallowed honor. Congratulations, Coco. Today, you join this partial list of other all-natural legends:

• Oscar Gamble, whose hair was never airbrushed, even when his uniform was.
• J.D. Hill, who played his part in hairstyle history
• Wonder Monds, whose name said it all
• Ray May, who was always to the point
• And Larry Giroux, who broke barriers by bring the afro to the ice

Card submitted by Andrew Boggs

Coco Crisp, 2014 Topps

Dick Hyde, 1960 Topps

Name: Dick Hyde
Team: Washington Senators
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A strip of rawhide
Key 1959 stat: Chin smooth as a baby's bottom
Today's oh-so-mature lineup: We know Dick Hyde was pitching for the Senators; here's who else was on the field.

C: Willie Cover
1B: Jimmy Vanish
2B: Theodore "Sneaky" Johnson
3B: Rod Shelter
SS: Peter Shroud
RF: Jebediah "Winky" Veil 
CF: John Thomas Camouflage
LF: Horatio "Chubby" Shield

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Dick Hyde, 1960 Topps

Sparky Lyle, 1983 O-Pee-Chee Super Veteran

Name: Sparky Lyle
Teams: Boston Red Sox, Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1983 - 1967 = 16 cents
Key 1982 stat: 17 times he took an O-Pee-Chee in the dugout corner
It's time for a Super Veteran version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Hideous, pseudo-space-age uniform (Winner: 1983 Sparky)
Round 2: 3-inch-deep butt chin (Winner: 1967 Sparky)
Round 3: Honorable mention, Name Hall of Fame (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Sideburns Dylan McKay would covet (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Thickness around the midsection (Winner: 1983 Sparky)
Round 6: Fathered 1983 Sparky (Winner: 1967 Sparky)
Round 7: Mustache that just won't stop, just won't quit (Winner: 1983 Sparky)

Score: 1983 Sparky 3, 1967 Sparky 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: In the battle of Sparky vs. Sparky, the older, hairier version grabs the victory with a mustache for the ages.

Sparky Lyle, 1983 O-Pee-Chee Super Veteran

Steve Sharts, 1990 CMC (Fan Appreciation Week No. 7)

Name: Steve Sharts (yes!)
Team: Scranton-Wilkes Barre Red Barrons
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Half the discs from a DVD set of Season 8 of "The Office"
Key 1989 stat: Stood 5' 11" (6' 7" with hair)
Don't strain too hard over this poop pop quiz: Which statement best describes Steve Sharts' baseball career?

(A) He tried to force it on the mound.
(B) His numbers stunk to high heaven.
(C) As much talent as scouts thought he had, only a little came out.
(D) He was a stain on the Red Barons' franchise.
(E) All of the above

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Steve Sharts, 1990 CMC (Fan Appreciation Week No. 7)

Motorboat Jones, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Fan Appreciation Week No. 2)

Name: Eugene "Motoroboat" Jones
Team: Chatanooga Lookouts
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A fish hook stuck in your finger
Key 1993 stat: Did not own a motor boat
This pop quiz is taking on water: How did Motorboat Jones get his name?

(A) Constant flatulence
(B) He carried an aroma of fish guts and sea captains
(C) A series of sexual harassment suits involving his face and women's cleavage
(D) Teams that purchased his contract always regretted it within a few months and rarely used him
(E) All of the above

Card submitted by Andrew Boggs 

Motorboat Jones, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Fan Appreciation Week No. 2)

Uwe Blab, 1990-91 Skybox (Return of White Ballers Week No. 6)

Name: Uwe Blab
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Position: Center
Value of card: 17 snippets of construction paper
Key 1989-90 stat: Two 6-inch knees
Let's see what Uwe Blab stands for:

Ugh, what a name
West Germany lost its best name when Blab immigrated to the United States
Ewe-y; it's pronounced "Ewe-y"!

Blob!
Legs that just don't stop
Added bonus: a ginger
Beware the bulge of the Blab

Uwe Blab, 1990-91 Skybox (Return of White Ballers Week No. 6)

Frank Brickowski, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 5)

Name: Frank Brickowski
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Positions: Forward and center
Value of card: One half-eaten all-beef frank
Key 1990-91 stat: His most likely shot outcome was right there in his name
Time for The Caption, which possibly ran in the San Antonio Express sometime in 1990, maybe: "Spurs center Frank Brickowski looks confused while trying to inbound the ball during a rare on-court appearance Tuesday in San Antonio. Brickowski later said that he mistakenly checked into the game after mishearing coach Larry Brown, who was singing loudly to The Commodores' hit 'Brick House' during a timeout."

Frank Brickowski, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 5)

Christian Welp, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 1)

Name: Christian Welp
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Position: Center
Value of card: One religious tract left under your windshield wiper
Key 1989-90 stat: Only time in the spotlight was on this card
Get these men some spray-tan: It's been three years since the Bust brought out its first set of White Ballers, and the Internet hasn't been the same since. OK, it's been exactly the same, but that's not stopping us from plastering it with seven more of the pastiest dudes to ever hit the hardwood. Now, just in time for March Madness, let the mullets and short-shorts begin!
Christian didn't have a prayer: Many people believe the word "welp," most often used during awkward pauses or when there's nothing more to say, originated from the movie "Dumb and Dumber." But we linguists here at the Bust know better. The word's origins trace back to former San Antonio Spurs coach Larry Brown. You see, while Brown at first would scream Christian Welp's surname every time the center blew an open layup, gave up a rebound to a much shorter player, or had yet another pass bounce off his granite-like hands, these occurrences became so common that the coach stopped yelling the name and instead started speaking it at normal volume with hints of expectancy and resignation. Christian didn't box out? Welp. Christian threw the ball out of bounds? Welp. Christian forgot to wash his mullet? Welp, Welp, Welp.

Christian Welp, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 1)

Chet Lemon, 1982 Donruss

Name: Chet Lemon
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Four lemon seeds, swallowed
Key 1981 stat: Went on strike, but not because of the team's unis.
Here's what Chet Lemon stands for:

Carried a lot of bad White Sox teams
Had to wear a lot of bad White Sox uniforms, as well
Evidently, he's too cool for his full first name, Chester
This angle makes it look like that infielder's getting a good whiff of Lemon's scent

Lapels double as a flotation device
Eats anything except citrus, surprisingly
Man, there are stripes going in every direction in that photo
Once played for a manager named Bob Lemon
No relation      in fact, their relationship was pretty sour

Chet Lemon, 1982 Donruss

Willie Wood, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 187)

Name: Willie Wood
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Safety and "all-star"
Value of card: 1 pound of wood
Key 1970 stat: 15 percent of sky missing behind him at all times
It's time for a man-vs.-cartoon version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Massive muscles (Winner: Tiny Yellow Mutated Topps Football Player Icon)
Round 2: Too manly for a face mask (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Monochromatic uniform choice (Winner: Tiny Yellow Mutated Topps Football Player Icon)
Round 4: Shape of scrotum, upside down (Winner: Tiny Yellow Mutated Topps Football Player Icon)
Round 5: Catchy name (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Ability to play football despite disfigured left arm (Winner: Tiny Yellow Mutated Topps Football Player Icon)
Round 7: Offseason gig as a "Speed Racer" villain (Winner: Tiny Yellow Mutated Topps Football Player Icon)

Score: Tiny Yellow Mutated Topps Football Player Icon 5, Willie Wood 0, Ties 2

Synopsis: Willie Wood might have been a tough "all star" football player, but he never stood a chance against a competitor who seems to be drawn to victory.

Willie Wood, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 187)

Bob Sykes, 1979 Topps

Name: Bob Sykes
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: $50      Syke!
Key 1978 stat: Didn't know how to pose for a photo
It's a rather awkward edition of The Caption: "Tigers pitcher Bob Sykes does a series of lunges in the dirt while wearing a winter jacket that doesn't fit him and chewing an entire can of Copenhagen that he stuffed into his mushroom-shaped head during spring training Friday in Lakeland, Fla."

Bob Sykes, 1979 Topps

Champ Summers, 1982 Donruss

Name: John "Champ" Summers
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Zero championships in anything
Key 1981 stat: 710 eye wrinkles
Places you've heard or seen the name "Champ Summers" name before:

• On the 10 o'clock news, when they introduce the sports guy
• On the 10 o'clock news, while apologizing for yesterday's curse-laden rant
• In the opening credits of a 1980s stag film
• Giving advice on the ponies in the back of a horse racing program
• On a VHS case for his 1985 straight-to-video animal-buddy-cop movie, "Champ and the Chimp"
• On a baseball card, with some pretty underwhelming stats on the back

Champ Summers, 1982 Donruss

Reggie Cleveland, 1981 Fleer

Name: Reggie Cleveland
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: An empty can of Old Milwaukee
Key 1980 stat: Not yet mentioned in Bill Simmons' column
Fun facts about pitcher Reggie Cleveland and the city of Cleveland, Ohio:

• The city of Cleveland lies on the shore of Lake Erie. Reggie Cleveland has passed out on the shore after drinking too many brewskis.
• The city of Cleveland once saw the Cuyahoga River light on fire. Reggie Cleveland once lit his own flatulence on fire.
• The city of Cleveland is the 45th-largest city in the U.S. Reggie Cleveland had the fourth- or fifth-largest beer gut among the Brewers.
• The city of Cleveland has been called "The Cleve." Reggie Cleveland has been called "The Creep."
• Summers in the city of Cleveland are hot and humid. So are Reggie Cleveland's armpits.
• The city of Cleveland is home to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Reggie Cleveland has been to his share of KISS concerts, but will certainly never be in the Hall of Fame.

 

Reggie Cleveland, 1981 Fleer

Kerwin Bell, 1991 Pro Set World League (Football Friday No. 181)

Name: Kerwin Bell, apparently
Team: Orlando Thunder, apparently
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: The towel tucked into Bell's waistband, unwashed
Key 1991 stat: Was paid to dress like this
Avert your eyes and take this pop quiz: What's the least athletic thing on this card?

A) Kerwin Bell's body
B) Kerwin Bell's name
C) Kerwin Bell's uniform
D) Kerwin Bell's mustache
E) The World League of American Football

Kerwin Bell, 1991 Pro Set World League (Football Friday No. 181)