Dick Davis, 1981 Fleer

Name: Dick Davis
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The foam from a blown keg of Keystone Light
Key 1980 stat: Made 48 tacky jokes involving his initials and a bra cup size
Here's what Dick Davis stands for:

Didn't get on the field very often...
Instead you could most often find him staring longingly, standing on the dugout steps
Correct, his eyebrows are indeed a mirror image of his mustache
Killer afro on that lady in the front row

Don't think we've ever seen a man make an elastic waistband look so good
After Milwaukee gave up on him, he played for three teams in 1982
Vacant gaze was his calling card...
It certainly wasn't his baseball talent
Sleeves were longer than his playing career

Dick Davis, 1981 Fleer

Manny Sanguillen, 1981 Topps

Name: Manny Sanguillen
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A plastic necklace with the number 35 on it
Key 1980 stat: Wore a helmet at all times
Catch this pop quiz: What's Manny "Sangy" Sanguillen doing in the above photo?

(A) Laughing at how much yellow Lee Lacy was wearing, before realizing he'd have to wear the same thing
(B) Yelling at the Topps photographer not to highlight his gaptooth
(C) Yawning after spending another night sleeping in the clubhouse
(D) Singing "Do That to Me One More Time" by The Captain and Tennille
(E) Preparing to catch a ball with his teeth

Manny Sanguillen, 1981 Topps

Mike Schmidt and Pete Rose, 1982 Donruss Phillies Finest

Name: Mike Schmidt, Pete Rose
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Third base, first base
Value of card: Two plays on a nickel slot machine
Key 1981 stat: 12,381 times ridiculed for uniforms' ridiculous color combination
It's time for a City of Brotherly Love edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Most tire rubber wrapped around chest and stomach (Winner: Rose)
Round 2: Weight of mustache, in pounds (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 3: Haircut most likely to be seen on "Little House on the Prairie" (Winner: Rose)
Round 4: Most actual bird feathers in unkempt haircut's wings (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 5: Volume of baby-blue bulge (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Amount of blood flow restricted due to skintight pants (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Number of clipboards held awkwardly at side during a (cough, cough) professional photo shoot (Winner: Schmidt)

Score: Schmidt 3, Rose 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: It was a tight battle with little love lost between Charlie Hustle and Schmidty in the City of Brotherly Love, but, as usual, the Hall of Famer came out on top. You can bet on it.

Mike Schmidt and Pete Rose, 1982 Donruss Phillies Finest

Mike Schmidt, 1982 Topps

Name: Chuck Norris Mike Schmidt
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Third base, Tae Kwon Do champion
Value of card: "What'd you ask?" (roundhouse kick to the face)
Key 1981 stat: 17 knockouts (from roundhouse kicks to the face)
Clearing up some rumors about Chuck Norris Mike Schmidt:

• Mike Schmidt doesn't shave around his mustache. The hairs are afraid to grow.
• Mike Schmidt didn't sign his name on this card like a third-grader. He punched the ink into letters, and then punched a third-grader.
• Mike Schmidt doesn't have girl bangs. He bangs girls.
• Mike Schmidt doesn't cheat death. He beats it fair and square.
• Mike Schmidt doesn't dress like Chuck Norris. He's on the Phillies, not the Texas Rangers.

Mike Schmidt, 1982 Topps

Jeff Bagwell, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Jeff Bagwell
Team: Houston Astros
Position: First base
Value of card: Three shades of orange
Key 1991 stat: One gap between front teeth
What does Jeff Bagwell stand for?

Just flip down the sunglasses already if it's so bright you have to squint.
Every-other-day shaver in '91.
Flip shades appear to weigh 30 pounds.
Front teeth could use some work, there, buddy.

Breathing through mouth ...
Always a sign of class.
Grew a Texas-size mullet.
Went on to develop one of the nastiest goatees known to man.
Eyes eventually did open, we believe.
Leather and lumber, this guy had 'em both.
Led the league in RBI and eye black in 1994.

Card submitted by Miranda Everitt

Jeff Bagwell, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Moose Stubing, 1989 Topps

Name: Lawrence "Moose" Stubing
Team: California Angels
Position: Manager
Value of card: One lost tooth
Key 1988 stat: Zero wins
The amazing true story of Moose Stubing: At the age of 32, Gulf Coast roughneck Moose Stubing was diagnosed with a rare face cancer that made him appear to be twice his age, faded all color from his eyes and separated his massive teeth. Forced to leave his oil drilling job, Stubing became a substitute high school shop teacher in Anaheim, Calif. Here, he taught a grandson of doddering California Angels owner Gene Autry, who, when told about the teacher, mistakenly assumed he was Capt. Merrill Stubing from "The Love Boat." A fan of the comic TV series, Autry immediately fired Angels manager Cookie Rojas and placed Stubing at the helm. Stubing — who was baffled when Autry demanded to meet someone named Charo — didn't know baseball but immediately began teaching the players how to carve their own bats. And while the team didn't win a game the rest of the season, its stars came away with a sense of self-sufficiency and pride — and several thousand splinters.
The real amazing true story of Moose Stubing: OK, so Stubing was never a roughneck and didn't have cancer. But he did make five pinch-hit appearances for the Angels in 1967, going 0-for-5, and manage the last eight games of their 1988 season, going 0-and-8. That makes him to only person to play and manage at the big league level without recording a hit or a win. Huzzah!

Moose Stubing, 1989 Topps

Derrel Thomas, 1981 Topps

Name: Derrel Thomas
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Outfield, second base, etc., etc.
Value of card: $20 off at Dr. Danny's Orthodontiporium
Key 1980 stat: 206 jobs held
Mr. Everything: Derrel Thomas is perhaps the greatest example baseball has seen of a "utility player." During his lengthy, if not illustrious, career, Thomas played every defensive position except pitcher. His lifetime fielding statistics take longer to read than the average U.S. budget. But even that list doesn't cover it all. Thomas also drove the team bus, operated the scoreboard at home games and cleaned the locker room showers. In 1979, Thomas acted as team dentist, transplanting one of his own front teeth into Steve Garvey's mouth when Garvey got into a fight after making eyes at the Phillie Phanatic. Thomas also once gave Tommy Lasorda a back rub after a 13-inning loss to the Mets, though he wasn't acting in any official capacity.

Derrel Thomas, 1981 Topps