Deion Sanders, 1993 Skybox Premium (Football Friday No. 223)

Name: Deion Sanders
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: It's slightly exaggerated
Key 1993 stat: Crapped bigger than a city bus
Ways in which Deionzilla destroyed Atlanta:

• Caused a massive dust storm by running so fast
• Crushed 14 skyscrapers by high-stepping
• Flooded entire city blocks with his hair product
• Started four-alarm fires by reflecting the sun's rays off his necklaces
• Drove thousands to insanity with his incessant talk (OK, regular Deion did that, too.)

Deion Sanders, 1993 Skybox Premium (Football Friday No. 223)

Donnell Thompson, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 208)

Name: Donnell Thompson
Team: Indianapolis Colts
Position: Defensive end, giant
Value of card: Helplessness
Key 1990 stat: Judging by this card, he was 8'4", 403 lbs.
It's a Football Friday Caption, which likely didn't run in the Indianapolis Star sometime in 1990: "Packers quarterback Blair Kiel futilely winds up to pass to a target he almost certainly cannot see shortly before having more than half of the bones in his body mercilessly crushed by Colts defender and oversize human Donnell Thompson on Sunday in Green Bay, Wisc."

Donnell Thompson, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 208)

Uwe Blab, 1990-91 Skybox (Return of White Ballers Week No. 6)

Name: Uwe Blab
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Position: Center
Value of card: 17 snippets of construction paper
Key 1989-90 stat: Two 6-inch knees
Let's see what Uwe Blab stands for:

Ugh, what a name
West Germany lost its best name when Blab immigrated to the United States
Ewe-y; it's pronounced "Ewe-y"!

Blob!
Legs that just don't stop
Added bonus: a ginger
Beware the bulge of the Blab

Uwe Blab, 1990-91 Skybox (Return of White Ballers Week No. 6)

Mark McGwire, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: Oakland A's
Position: First base
Value of card: Seven pieces of bark
Key 1988 stat: 7 feet tall (and that's just the bulge)
The legend of Big Mac of the Oaks: They called him Big Mac of the Oaks. He was as tall as a mighty tree and as mighty as lumberjack who chopped down mighty trees. He ate oxen whole and drank rivers in a gulp. They said his mother was a redwood and his father a sequoia. True or not, his legs were tree trunks and the arms the roots of his power. He was a massive man, no doubt, and when he walked from the forest of oaks, baseball bat in hand, throngs of awestruck onlookers came to see the great Big Mac, a man who would slowly drop his chosen maple club below his waist but above his knees, focusing the gazes of thousands upon his most impressive yet obvious feature, his wood.

Mark McGwire, 1989 Upper Deck

Randy Johnson, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners

Position: Ace

Value of card: 2 ounces of tobacco spit and mullet grease mixed together

Key 1993 stat: 22 inches of mullet

Time for a pop quiz that's a tall order:

What name did Randy Johnson's teammates give his mullet?

(A) The Soggy Squid

(B) The Bigger Unit

(C) Cascading Scumminess

(D) The Wraparound Neck Warmer

(E) Sopping Strands of Intimidation

(F) All of the above

Randy Johnson, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only

Lincoln Kennedy, 1993 Fleer Ultra (Football Friday No. 34)

Name: Lincoln Kennedy

Team: Atlanta Falcons

Position: Tackle

Value of card: 25 cents for gumball-machine watch

Key 1992 stat: 2 feet grown, 220 pounds gained

A kid's game: At 11 years old, Lincoln Kennedy was 4 feet 5 and 100 pounds. He was a normal kid who liked playing on jungle gyms, eating hot dogs with cheese in the middle and watching Saturday morning cartoons. Then, he experienced the most epic growth spurt in recorded history. Within a few weeks, he grew to 6 feet 5 and weighed 320 pounds. He was awkward at first, tripping over his 14-pound feet and knocking over things with his salami-stick fingers. But he started to gain control of his body, building the confidence needed to enter under-14 sumo wrestling matches and apple sauce-eating contests. At a Fourth of July AppleFest in Atlanta, a Falcons scout passed by a stage and saw the massive 11-year-old chugging apple sauce by the gallon. In a moment, he knew: "Lil' Lincoln" had the size, stamina and swagger to play in the NFL, immediately. The scout talked to Lincoln behind the stage, and made a deal the child prodigy couldn't refuse: a three-year contract with the Falcons in exchange for a swimming pool full of apple sauce, a team hat too small for his massive head and a gumball-machine watch.

Lincoln Kennedy, 1993 Fleer Ultra (Football Friday No. 34)

Chuck Nevitt, 1994 Upper Deck (Basketball Week No. 1)

Name: Chuck Nevitt

Teams: San Antonio Spurs, Ripley's Believe It or Not

Positions: Center, Orbit

Value of card: It's sky-high

Key 1993 stat: 112 inches, 112 pounds

Welcome to Basketball Week: If you're like us here at the Bust, your tourney brackets are somehow already ruined. (Stupid Winthrop. We thought it was their year.) So take a break from the Madness and enjoy a little mockery of really tall men who could beat us up.

That's one tall son of a ...: Sure, Chuck Nevitt is tall. And yes, ladies, those legs go all the way up. Standing at 11 feet 4 inches, Nevitt was a defensive force in the NBA during the late 1980s and early 1990s. The problem was, he couldn't move. Spurs coach John Lucas would push Nevitt into games, literally. The coach and a few players would lift Nevitt out of a box and carry him to underneath the basket during timeouts. Once there, they would extend his arms at his side, spread apart his broomstick-like legs, comb his George Michael beard and hike up his short-shorts. When the game started, opposing players were forced to shoot high-arching shots over The Bearded Behemoth or dribble around him. This strategy proved successful until a soft gush of arena air-conditioning knocked Nevitt to the hardwood.

Fun fact: A crude depiction of Nevitt's penis, drawn to scale, is seen on the side and bottom of this card.

Chuck Nevitt, 1994 Upper Deck (Basketball Week No. 1)