Steve Balboni, 1990 Leaf

Name: Steve Balboni
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: Pretty sure it's worth at least $100
Key 1989 stat: Zero bunts
Here's what Steve Balboni stands for:

Stripes not quite slimming
Total package: power, charisma, mustache
Everyman who inspired couch potatoes everywhere
Veal scallopini shortage in New York during his days with the Yankees
Ego was never a problem; Eggos, that's another story

Boiler proved this guy had guts
Another career option: angry police detective, shirt slightly untucked
Lip sweater would make Tom Selleck jealous
Best stat: one career stolen base
One hundred eighty-one career home runs is nothing to shake a hoagie at
Nearly elected to the Name Hall of Fame
Inspired countless jokes from kids in the 1980s and early '90s who called each other "Balboners"

Steve Balboni, 1990 Leaf

Bruce Bochy, 1987 Topps

Name: Bruce Bochy
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Even trade for a 1988 Bruce Bochy Topps card (or, just discard it in the garbage)
Key 1987 stat: Size 8 head
It's time for a future-manager pop quiz:

Just how big is Bruce Bochy's head?

(A) It's so big, Baskin-Robbins used that helmet in a promotional giveaway and filled it with all 32 flavors.
(B) It's so big, he avoiding getting haircuts because he'd get charged double.
(C) It's so big, he has three brains crammed in there.
(D) It's so big, this card weighs 11 pounds.
(E) All of the above.

Bruce Bochy, 1987 Topps

Dave Huppert, 1988 California Leauge All-Stars

Name: Dave Huppert
Team: Stockton Ports
Position: Manager
Value of card: One baby-smooth shave
Key 1987 stat: Spent a week in Stockton one night
Top 10 things that can be seen up Dave Huppert's nose in this photo:

10) Dave Huppert's brain
9) Another one of those giant electrical towers
8) The charm of Stockton, Calif.
7) A baseball card featuring Dave Huppert
6) The origin of the universe
5) A second, slightly smaller curled mullet
4) The ball from his one major league hit
3) Snails
2) The entirety of his nostrils
1) A booger the size of his neck

Card submitted by Zach Jones

Dave Huppert, 1988 California Leauge All-Stars

Tom Filer, 1983 Topps

Name: Tom Filer
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One file folder, ripped in half
Key 1982 stat: Made his last major league appearance for three years
Here's what Tom Filer stands for:

Traded to the Blue Jays for a steak dinner and a cab ride
Overtly afraid of exposing his forearms
Mouth full of chew, among other substances

Filer wasn't just his name      it was the job he was best at ...
It certainly wasn't baseball
Little advice, Tom: You might want to close your mouth during the photo shoot
Enormous head, but not an enormous arm
Reality for Filer: Blue eyes, blue uniform, blue Cubs fans

Tom Filer, 1983 Topps

Steve McMichael, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 31)

Name: Steve McMichael
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Defensive line
Value of card: Three shovelfuls of bear crap
Key 1990 stat: 2-inch indention in butt chin
It's time for a "Mongo" pop quiz:

Just why does Steve "Mongo" McMichael appear so confident?

(A) He knows he has the most wind-friendly mullet in the Windy City.
(B) Chicks dig Zubaz.
(C) He's not confident; he's concentrating on keeping his 47-pound head upright.
(D) He "Mongo." Mongo smash!
(E) All of the above.

Steve McMichael, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 31)

Stan Mikita, 1972-73 O-Pee-Chee Team Canada (Stanley Cup Week No. 2)

Name: Stan. Mikita
Team: Team Canada
Position: Giant floating head
Value of card: 19 maple leaves
Key 1972-73 stat: Made all the ladies swoon. All of 'em.
Five bits of information we can glean from this expertly designed hockey card:

1) Stan Mikita was approximately 58 years old at the time of this photo. What's that? He was actually 33? Sweet Jeebus!
2) His head was like Sputnik: spherical, but quite pointy in parts. He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight on his huge pillow.
3) He always said his name as though it were two sentences. "Stan." (pause) "Mikita."
4) His hairstyle defied every law of physics known to mankind.
5) The dimple in his right cheek was so deep that it contained, among other things, his wallet, his bicycle and the ruins of an ancient civilization.

Stan Mikita, 1972-73 O-Pee-Chee Team Canada (Stanley Cup Week No. 2)

Rodney Craig, 1993 TCMA

Name: Rodney Craig
Team: Charleston Charlies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: What?
Key 1992 stat: Where?
Clearing up some rumors about minor-leaguer Rodney Craig:

• Rodney Craig is sooooooo not baked in the above photo. He's just having to squint from the glare off his sweet gold medallion.
• Rodney Craig's medallion does not have any mystical powers like this guy's does. If it did, he wouldn't be playing minor-league ball in Charleston, S.C.
• Rodney Craig is sooooooo not baked in the above photo. Wait, huh? We already said that one? Wait, are there any more Doritos?
• Rodney Craig's head is, in fact, the size of one of Jupiter's moons. He wore a size 9 batting helmet and his teammates called him "Buckethead." No, really, we're not making this one up!

Rodney Craig, 1993 TCMA

Prince Fielder, 2013 Topps

Name: Prince Fielder
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: First base
Value of card: Not as much as the giant canvas it's printed on
Key 2013 stat: Had a baseball card even bigger than his contract
A Bust of historic proportions: Earlier this week, Topps unveiled the biggest baseball card ever made      a print of Prince Fielder's 2013 Topps Series 1 card. It certainly is impressive, but what's the most surprising thing about this colossal collectible?

A) Despite the huge image area, Topps still couldn't fit all of Fielder's butt on the card
B) That it covers more ground than Fielder can at first base (wait, no, that's not surprising)
C) That Fielder doesn't actually already use a 45-foot-long bat
D) That it featured the 2011 All-Star Game MVP instead of, you know, the 2011 AL MVP or maybe the 2012 triple crown winner.
E) That Jim Leyland wasn't out on the field smoking.

Photo courtesy of Topps

Prince Fielder, 2013 Topps

Dmitri Young, 2004 Upper Deck Power Up! (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 1)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: SXX5S9WZ9, which equals nothing
Key 2003 stat: 100 (not sure of what, but figure it's important because it's on the front of the card)
Welcome to Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week: A few months ago, Dmitri Young let us know in no uncertain terms that he held The Bust in about as high of esteem as Tigers fans held Mr. Young after his last few mediocre seasons in Detroit. Mr. Young didn't like this post, you see, and he let us know. We respect that. The jokes are about as lackluster as Mr. Young's seasons with the Washington Nationals. So we intend to prove to Mr. Young that we can do better. We'll spend this Thanksgiving week showing him just how thankful we are for his opinion. We appreciate the constructive criticism, Mr. Young.
10 reasons Mr. Young's head is so big:
10) He was trying to draw attention away from such an amateur card background.
9) It's not; he was afflicted with the exceedingly rare Shrinking Body Disease.
8) He mistook the Upper Deck's "power up" instructions
7) He would do anything to show off his awesome goatee.
6) He just liked how funny his little arms looked in comparision.
5) He looked at a star player's stats and got them confused with his own.
4) He was the Tigers' DH: Deformed Head.
3) He misunderstood a teammate's slump-breaking advice to "get more head."
2) He was auditioning for a spot in "NBA Jam."
1) He saw The Bust was profiling him for a full week.

Dmitri Young, 2004 Upper Deck Power Up! (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 1)

Turner Ward, 2001 Topps

Name: Turner Ward
Team: Arizona Diamondbacks
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One sweater with the neck stretched out
Key 2000 stat: .173 batting average
Ten things (and there may only be 10) bigger than Turner Ward's neck:
10) The rings of Saturn
9) The Big Hole in South Africa
8) The big hole in Turner Ward's swing
7) Sputnik
6) The Chunnel
5) Randy Johnson's mullet
4) That meteor that Bruce Willis blew up in "Armageddon." That movie rules.
3) Barry Bonds' head
2) Barry Bonds' ego
1) Turner Ward's purple turtleneck

Turner Ward, 2001 Topps

Jackie Slater, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 126)

Name: Jackie Slater
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Tackle
Value of card: 11 pounds of ram dung
Key 1985 stat: 99-pound head
It's time to "ram home" a pop quiz:

Just how big is Jackie Slater's head?

(A) Zoos used the same helmet to house a family of grey wolves.
(B) When he takes a shower, he has to clean off the orbiting moons.
(C) He was a stand-in for the "Star Wars" production, in place of the Death Star
(D) His neck is earthquake retrofitted.
(E) All of the above.

Jackie Slater, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 126)

Art Shell, 1991 Pro Set (Coach-Manager Week No. 6)

Name: Art Shell
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Head coach
Value of card: One Telex watch (maker of knock-off Rolexes and headsets)
Key 1990 stat: 46-pound head
10 names Art Shell ascribed to his stocking cap:
10) My fave-o-wit warmikins
9) The Silver-and-Whack
8) That cap Grandma knitted me
7) That cap Al Davis knitted me
6) The Authentic Telex Headset-Stocking Cap Combo for Today's Head Coach®
5) The knit pick
4) Big Artie's Massive Melon Tuxedo
3) 1990 NFL Head Covering of the Year
2) El snow sombrero
1) Shell's shell

Art Shell, 1991 Pro Set (Coach-Manager Week No. 6)

Tre Johnson, 1994 Fleer Ultra (Football Friday No. 99)

Name: Tre Johnson
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Guard
Value of card: Tre cents
Key 1993 stat: 66-pound head
Redskins' scouting report on rookie Tre Johnson: "We like any draft pick with a name from "Boyz n the Hood," though this guy looks more like a 'Doughboy.' ... Smart kid? Well, his brain weighs a lot, at least. ... The size of this kid's head will distract many people from our offensive mascot. ... We'll have to play him; he ate the starter. ... Wow. This player runs a 4.2 40. Excuse me, a 44.2. ... If he doesn't work out on the football field, we could recoup some of our investment from his guaranteed success on the sumo circuit."

Tre Johnson, 1994 Fleer Ultra (Football Friday No. 99)

Ken Griffey Jr., 1991 Score All-Star

Name: Ken Griffey Jr.
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Center field
Value of card: Three broken crayons
Key 1990 stat: Size 27-¾ cap
10 reasons Griffey's head is so big:
10) He knows he has the best mustache of all the eighth-graders.
9) He's proud of having baseball in his blood.
8) As a Mariner, he's a skilled seaman. (rim shot)
7) Somehow, mysteriously, his neck's mass flowed into his cranium and disappeared.
6) He had to grow it that big to fit into the only helmet the team would give him.
5) He always knew he'd be the subject of a fine work of art, again.
4) Supermodels would kill for his legs.
3) He's trying to entice the army of faceless zombies behind him by showing off his massive brain.
2) He's impressed by his own illustrated bulge.
1) Elephantiasis

Ken Griffey Jr., 1991 Score All-Star

Noah Jackson, 1979 Topps (Football Friday No. 83)

Name: Noah Jackson
Team: Chicago Bears
Positions: Guard, ark builder
Value of card: The gristle and fat left over from Jackson's mid-afternoon steak
Key 1978 stat: One male, one female of each species, two by two
10 things on Noah Jackson's ark:
10) Two elephants with heads the same size as Noah's
9) Giant, sweaty, hairy men, two by two
8) 11 bears on offense, 11 on defense
7) Type 2 diabetes
6) The Oscar Meyer Weinermobile
5) Two giant pandas, two woodpeckers, one steamy night, one bad joke
4) One flat top. Just one.
3) One female grizzly bear, one Noah Jackson
2) A dove and an olive branch (tangled in Noah's beard)
1) After dinner, three fewer species

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Noah Jackson, 1979 Topps (Football Friday No. 83)

Dustin Hermanson, 1995 Upper Deck Star Rookie

Name: Dustin H_____son

Team: San Diego Padres

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: One "Electric Diamond" (Worthless x 1.5 = Worthless.5)

Key 1994 stat: Size 9 1/2 head

San Diego Padres' scouting report on "Sta_ R___ie" Dustin Hermanson: "Massive head, which blocks everything in its path, including hyperbolic baseball card labels. ... If Hermanson fails, monobrow may have a future in organization. ... Need to keep an eye on his candy addiction. ... Collar could one day mature into a mock turtleneck; with luck, a full turtleneck. ... Looks good plastered against a sea of blue, despite sophomoric facial hair."

Dustin Hermanson, 1995 Upper Deck Star Rookie

David Fulcher, 1991 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 65)

Name: David Fulcher

Team: Cincinnati Bengals

Position: Strong safety

Value of card: Seven hangnails

Key 1990 stat: Zero untended cuticles

Script from Lee Press-On Nails for Men TV commercial, circa 1991: "Guys, I know you want to look your best, but you want to look tough, too. I'm David Fulcher, a hard-hitting strong safety in the National Football League. (Cut to shot of Fulcher slamming into an opposing player.) But just because I nail my opponents at work doesn't mean my nails have to look bad at home. (Cut to shot of Fulcher's nails, glistening.) That's why I choose Lee Press-On Nails for Men. They're smooth, sexy — and a steal, at only $1.99 for a box of 12. (Cut to shot of female backup singers.) 'One ninety-nine, are you out of your mind?' We're not out of our minds, sports fans. So listen to me, David Fulcher, a tough guy with a soft side. (Cut to shot of Fulcher bench-pressing a bed full of bunnies.) When you want to put your best foot forward, let Lee Press-On Nails for Men give you a hand. I do. (Cut to shot of Fulcher fluttering his glistening nails.)"

David Fulcher, 1991 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 65)

Charles Mann, 1991 Topps (Football Friday No. 63)

Name: Charles Mann
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: A scoop of moldy cat food
Key 1990 stat: Every primary color put on this card, plus a few secondary ones
Clearing up a few rumors about Charles Mann:

• In this photo, he can not actually see the little football in the lower right of the card. If he could, he would, actually, probably want to eat it.
• His hair was not intentionally sculpted to make him look like one of those giant heads on Easter Island.
• He hated being called "Chuck."
• He was not, in fact, constantly angry. He was just constipated.
• To this day, he could still sack the hell out of you.
• He was, in fact, the man.

Charles Mann, 1991 Topps (Football Friday No. 63)

Jose Canseco, 1991 Score All-Star

Name: Jose Canseco

Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One broken colored pencil
Key 1990 stat: 32 inches of chin
The illustrated man: This card is absurd. Look at how out proportion parts of it are! The size is wrong, the shape is wrong, and the ghosts in the dugout scare us a little bit. At least they got Jose Canseco's head size right. Wait, you thought that's what we were talking about earlier? No, no. We meant Canseco's shoes. They're so tiny and wrinkly! His head size and mullet, of course, are only slightly off.

Jose Canseco, 1991 Score All-Star

Randall McDaniel, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only (NFL Kickoff Week No. 4)

Name: Randall McDaniel

Team: Minnesota Vikings
Position: Left guard
Value of card: A growth spurt
Key 1993 stat: One size fits all

It's halftime for NFL Kickoff Week. Here's a pop quiz:

What is Randall McDaniel's hat size?

A) XL (That's Roman numerals for 40, not extra large)
B) 2. As in, it would take 2 hats to cover that massive noggin.
C) Five gallons
D) Whatever Mr. McDaniel says it is

Randall McDaniel, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only (NFL Kickoff Week No. 4)