Alexi Lalas, 1994 Upper Deck World Cup (World Cup Week No. 5)

Name: Alexi Lalas
Team: USA
Position: Defender
Value of card: 2 ounces of ginger (the root)
Key 1993 stat: 4 pounds of ginger (the hair)
Top 10 Grateful Dead songs inspired by Alexi Lalas:
10) "(Ginger's) High Time"
9) "Touch Of Grey Red"
8) "Friend Of The Devil (And The Same Color)"
7) "Truckin' (To The Barber)"
6) "Eyes Of The World (Behind Those Shades)"
5) "(Really) Scarlet Begonias"
4) "Hell In A Bucket Mullet"
3) "Loser"
2) "Morning Dew 'Do"
1) "Fire (Crotch) on the Mountain"

Alexi Lalas, 1994 Upper Deck World Cup (World Cup Week No. 5)

Uwe Blab, 1990-91 Skybox (Return of White Ballers Week No. 6)

Name: Uwe Blab
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Position: Center
Value of card: 17 snippets of construction paper
Key 1989-90 stat: Two 6-inch knees
Let's see what Uwe Blab stands for:

Ugh, what a name
West Germany lost its best name when Blab immigrated to the United States
Ewe-y; it's pronounced "Ewe-y"!

Blob!
Legs that just don't stop
Added bonus: a ginger
Beware the bulge of the Blab

Uwe Blab, 1990-91 Skybox (Return of White Ballers Week No. 6)

Butch Wynegar, 1977 Topps

Name: Butch Wynegar
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Two gold cups (actually, reproductions of them on a worthless baseball card)
Key 1976 stat: 12 marbles won during elementary school recess
It's time to ask: What are the chances?

What are the chances ...
Wynegar's mother called him "Harold": 93%
Wynegar started using the nickname "Butch" to sound more like a big-leaguer: 95%
Wynegar's charade was exposed by the signature on this card: 100%

What are the chances ...
Wynegar was drafted straight out of high school by the Twins: 90%
Wynegar was younger than 18 when he first played for the Twins: 92%
Wynegar had to study his sixth-grade multiplication tables after this photo shoot for the Twins: 94%

What are the chances ...
Wynegar inspired thousands with his babyface looks: 8%
Wynegar inspired hundreds of gingers with his orangish-red locks: 12%
Wynegar inspired fewer fans than were in the stands in this card: 98%

Butch Wynegar, 1977 Topps

Karl Malone, Mark Eaton, John Stockton, 1989-90 Fleer All-Star (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 4)

Names: Karl Malone, Mark Eaton, John Stockton
Teams: Utah Jazz, Western Conference All-Stars
Positions: Hall-of-Fame power forward, regular center, Hall-of-Fame point guard
Value of card: Four pasty legs
Key 1990 stat: 6,042 locker room jokes made off of Eaton's last name
It's time to bust some balls, Matchup style:

Round 1: Ginger beard (Winner: Eaton)
Round 2: Skin that won't make you snowblind (Winner: Malone)
Round 3: Looks just as goofy sitting as he does standing (Winner: Eaton)
Round 4: Shorts that keep everything snug (Winner: Tie between Eaton and Stockton)
Round 5: Actual muscle definition (Winner: Malone)
Round 6: Bowl haircut (Winner: Stockton)
Round 7: Ability to see Eaton's bald spot (Winner: Tie between Stockton and Malone)
Round 8: Elbows like spearheads (Winner: Malone)
Round 9: Too cool for wristbands (Winner: Stockton)

Final score: Malone 3, Eaton 2, Stockton 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: This shootout came down to the buzzer, but the Mailman elbowed his way to the top past the best assist man in NBA history and a guy who resembles an ogre.

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Karl Malone, Mark Eaton, John Stockton, 1989-90 Fleer All-Star (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 4)

Mike Griffin, 1988 Donruss

Name: Mike Griffin
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 45 gallons of sunscreen
Key 1987 stat: Head zero inches wider than neck
Fun facts about Mike Griffin and his glove, The A200:

• The A200 is an orangish-brown. Mike Griffin's mat of chest hair is, too.
• The A200 has curly laces sticking out of it. Mike Griffin's head has curly red hair sticking out of it.
• The fingers of the A200 blend together almost seamlessly. Mike Griffin's neck blends together almost seamlessly with his head.
• The A200 conceals which pitch is going to be thrown. Mike Griffin's mustache conceals Griffin's pet hummingbird, Larry.
• The A200 is not a very good name for a glove. Mike Griffin was not a very good pitcher.

Mike Griffin, 1988 Donruss

Bryan Clutterbuck, 1990 Topps

Name: Bryan Clutterbuck
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two "clutterbucks"
Key 1989 stat: 12 zits on face
Time for a Webster's New World pop quiz:

What exactly is a "clutterbuck"?

(A) The salty sweat residue left by dirty men on their baseball caps.
(B) A nose-hair mustache, as seen above.
(C) A rubber undershirt worn by sweaty men who want to sweat more.
(D) The special place reserved in hell for evil gingers.
(E) The skin behind the eyebrows when eyebrows don't exist.
(F) A mediocre ballplayer.
(G) All of the above.

Bryan Clutterbuck, 1990 Topps

Rick Waits, 1986 Topps

Name: Rick Waits

Team: Milwaukee Brewers

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: 50 cent tip for performance at country-western bar

Key 1985 stat: 4 ounces of blue food coloring in eyes

10 country songs Rick Waits wrote before his foray into baseball:

(10) "The Blue-eyed, Brewin' Bandit"

(9) "My Facial Hair Six-String"

(8) "Beard for My Horses (And Whiskers for My Teammates)"

(7) "On the Road Again ... and Losing"

(6) "No Razor, No Class, No Problem"

(5) "Rhinestone Middle Reliever"

(4) "Pale and Proud of the U.S.A."

(3) "All My Ex's Live in Unincorporated Parts of Milwaukee County, in the Same Mobile Home Park"

(2) "Ginger Went Down to Georgia"

(1) "Achy Breaky Beard"

Rick Waits, 1986 Topps