Greg Luzinski, 1984 Fleer

Name: Greg Luzinski
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: A circle
Key 1983 stat: Beard made of 50,000 porcupine spines
The end of an era: Dear readers (yes, all 11 of you), nearly six years ago, we started this little website with one simple goal: to become famous and rich enough that we could quit our jobs. Now, while we did get quoted in the New York Times, that plan hasn't really panned out. Nonetheless, we've had a lot of fun and laughs bringing you some of the most hideous, dated, airbrushed and ridiculous cards we've encountered.

Today's post is No. 2,098      and the last for us here at the Bust. We know that there are thousands more cards out there worthy of skewering, but life has gotten in the way and it is time for the Bust Cup to return to its trophy case. We want to sincerely thank everybody who contributed cards to our site and helped us along the way. We know there are some of you out there who check this page every day, and while we won't be adding new cards, you can view a random post by clicking the button at the top of our sidebar. Not a great consolation, we know, but we're guessing there are a few you've missed over the years.

So, that's all, friends. We leave you with the man who started it all, Greg Luzinski, The Kodiak Brute, grinding away at his shaft for all eternity. Take care.

Greg Luzinski, 1984 Fleer

Al Davis, 1992 Pro Line Throwbacks (Football Friday No. 225)

Name: Al Davis
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Owner
Value of card: One black hole
Key 1992 stat: Just won seven games, baby
Good ol' Al: Al Davis was definitely proud of his three Super Bowl victories. Here are a few other things he was proud of.

• His all-white wardrobe
• Sunglasses with chains on them
• His chicken-skin
• JaMarcus
• A commitment to excellence*

*Expired in 2002

Al Davis, 1992 Pro Line Throwbacks (Football Friday No. 225)

Dwight Bernard, 1983 Fleer

Name: Dwight Bernard
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The clump of hair clogging your shower drain
Key 1982 stat: One side of beard an inch longer than the other
Brewing up a pop quiz: Why is Dwight so unhappy?

A) The team told him he had to start bathing
B) The team told him he had to evict the family of sparrows living in his hair
C) The team told him he had to get bigger glasses
D) The team told him he had to wear baby blue both on and off the field
E) The team told him he could do whatever he wanted      because he was no longer on the team

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Dwight Bernard, 1983 Fleer

Willie Upshaw, 1997 Oh! Henry Toronto Blue Jays Team Set‏

Name: Willie Upshaw
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Hitting coach
Value of card: Something sticky on your shoes
Key 1996 stat: 841 candy bars eaten
Fun facts about Willie Upshaw and candy bars:

• Candy bars always sound good, but are bad for you in the long run. Willie Upshaw never really sounded good and was definitely bad in the long run.
• Some candy bars come in a "king size" variety. Willie Upshaw had king-size eyeglasses.
• Some candy bars are advertised as being light and fluffy. Willie Upshaw's mustache was the opposite of that.
• If you leave a candy bar in your pocket, it will get too warm and melt. Willie Upshaw would still eat that candy bar.
• Candy bars sometimes contain nuts. You had to have been nuts to make Willie Upshaw your hitting coach.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Willie Upshaw, 1997 Oh! Henry Toronto Blue Jays Team Set‏

Ron Davis, 1987 Topps

Name: Ron Davis
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Less than the VHS tapes at Goodwill
Key 1986 stat: Ate his weight in deep-dish pizza
Here's what Ron Davis stands for:

Really had us fooled with the airbrushing, there, Topps
Open-mouth stare is a good look for a baseball card photo
Nice 8.59 ERA in '86, Ronnie

Dealt twice in two years...
A player to be named later? That was Mr. Davis
Visually, this card is the equivalent of a yawn
Is it so difficult to find a barber in the Midwest?
Stats like his truly belonged with the Cubs

Card submitted by Davey Meyer

Ron Davis, 1987 Topps

Fred Manrique, 1989 Fleer

Name: Fred Manrique
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Second base
Value of card: One white sock
Key 1988 stat: Lost all of his bottom teeth
Ways in which Fred put the "man" in "Manrique":

• Grew a mustache both outside and inside his upper lip
• Caught fish by using nothing but an old mesh jersey
• Started campfires using only flint, steel, and his glasses
• Belched so loudly that it cleared out an entire stadium
• Despite the photographic evidence, lifted weights nonstop
• Could seduce a woman just by giving her a slack-jawed stare

Submitted by Douglas Corti

Fred Manrique, 1989 Fleer

Mark McLemore, 1998 Score

Name: Mark McLemore
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Second base
Value of card: Four frames of B-roll
Key 1997 stat: One Golden Globe
Lights, camera, action: When he wasn't playing baseball for Texas, Mark McLemore would fill in as a cameraman during Rangers broadcasts, as seen above. But that wasn't Mark's only experience behind the camera. Here are a few of his other, lesser-seen productions:

• A failed TV reality show starring Bengie, Yadier and Jose Molina called "Nonstop Squatting"
• A hotdog-eating contest between Pudge Rodriguez and a wolf
• Naughty time with Mrs. McLemore
• His daughter's fourth birthday party (half taped over with an Evander Holyfield fight)
• Seven minutes of smartphone footage of the inside of his pocket

Mark McLemore, 1998 Score

Jerry Glanville, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 65)

Name: Jerry Glanville
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Head coach
Value of card: Grease on your jeans
Key 1992 stat: 36 biker bars visited
A handful of nicknames given to Jerry Glanville:

• The Bozo in Black
• The Buckle
• Jerry "Who Are You Foolin'?" Glanville
• Motorcycle Mama
• Hardly Davidson

Jerry Glanville, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 65)

Jim Jensen, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 64)

Name: Jim Jensen
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: An ounce of pee-contaminated pool water
Key 1992 stat: Endless heckling after this photo
Here's what Jim Jensen stands for:

Jahoobies covered by strategically crossed arms
It's no mistake      he's really a professional athlete
Masculinity at its peak

Just like an actual dolphin, Jim makes his home underwater
Either that or he lost a bet with the photographer
Nice sunglasses-hat-necklace combo in the pool, bub
Scantily clad football players are always a treat
Equaled the number of receptions that we had in 1992
Needless to say, this guy's all wet

Jim Jensen, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 64)

Gene Brabender, 1970 Topps

Name: Gene Brabender
Team: Seattle Pilots
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 ounces of fish guts from Pike Place Market
Key 1970 stat: Zero Seattle Pilots games, because the team moved to Milwaukee before the 1970 season started
Quite the honor: We here at The Bust are excited to welcome Gene Brabender to the Name Hall of Fame. Surprisingly, this is the first player from the one-year-and-done Seattle Pilots to be given the honor. But Brabender isn't the first player whose name reminds us of the crazy summer nights of our youth. There's Motorboat Jones, who knew how to put his head down and get things done. Then there's Rusty Kuntz and Pete LaCock, who you can barely keep apart. And, of course, Dick Harter, who reminds of us of the third-period tuck, if you know what we mean. So here's to Gene Brabender, a player whose best pitch was an offer of heavy petting.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Gene Brabender, 1970 Topps

Greg Luzinski, 1985 Topps

Name: Greg Luzinski
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Designated brute hitter
Value of card: We're thinking at least a few hundred bucks
Key 1984 stat: 65 bears wrestled
Welcome back, Mr. Luzinski: It's a fact known to only a few people (because we only have a few readers): Greg Luzinski, the bearded wonder who clubbed home runs for the Chicago White Sox in the mid-1980s, was the first Baseball Card Bust subject. We called him the Kodiak Brute, saying he "spent his formative years wrestling brown bears and chewing on tree trunks." Looking back five years, we couldn't have been more correct. When Luzinski saw a hive teeming with bees, he'd stick his face in it to slurp down the honey. When he'd take a dip in a river of raging rapids, he catch his salmon lunch in his teeth. When he'd have to go, you guessed it, he'd go in the woods. We salute you, Greg "The Kodiak Brute" Luzinski. You're the perfect ambassador for such a prestigious blog.

Greg Luzinski, 1985 Topps

Don Buchheister, 1979 TCMA

Name: Don Buchheister
Team: Cedar Rapids Giants
Position: General manager
Value of card: He'll trade ya for it
Key 1978 stat: 17 trades made (for worthless baseball cards)
Here are some of the moves made by Cedar Rapids Giants executive Don Buchheister:

• Traded a third baseman and a right-handed middle reliever for a pastrami on rye.
• Offered a lucrative free agent contract to Sid Limpis of Sid's Stupendous Straw Hats on West 65th Street.
• Scouted Single A and promoted a pitching machine.
• Tried to fire a manager — from the local Long John Silver's

Don Buchheister, 1979 TCMA

Deion Sanders, 1998 Score

Name: Deion Sanders
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's in the red
Key 1997 stat: 72 hours spent fake stretching
It's time for a "Prime Time" pop quiz:

What's the biggest stretch on this card?

(A) Those shades.
(B) Deion's attempt at a pregame work ethic.
(C) Deion as a baseball player.
(D) That dude in the back right clearly doing whatever he can to make a mockery of this card.
(E) All of the above.

Deion Sanders, 1998 Score

Mike Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 59)

Name: Mike Ditka
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Coach
Value of card: $1 off the blue-plate special
Key 1992 stat: 14 pounds of sauerkraut consumed
It's time to steady your stomachs for another Bust recipe: Ditka's is an actual chain of restaurants owned by the actual Mike Ditka. It's got a pretty good reputation, but thankfully no longer serves the Big Tuna Salad Sandwich, pictured above and named after fellow coaching legend Bill Parcells. Here's how you, too, can try that dish:

2 cans of tuna in oil
2 cans of tuna in water
1 tuna steak
1 spicy tuna roll
1 pair of Bill Parcells' dirty boxers
1 picture of Al Toon
4 pounds of mayonnaise
2 slices of white toast
4 ounces of grass from your yard

Make a salad from the grass     don't worry; if you want this dish, odds are you don't eat salad anyway. Then mix all the other ingredients in a large bowl. Pour the mixture into a large skillet, then throw away the bowl. Cook over low heat for 3 hours or until the mayonnaise becomes pungent. Serve on toast, incinerate the excess and throw away the skillet. Enjoy!

Mike Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 59)

Slick, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 7)

Name: Slick
From: Fort Worth, Texas
Signature move: Using his cane as a weapon
Value of card: A feather      not the one in his hat, one that has been on the ground for a week
Key 1990 stat: By far the best-dressed man at any WWF event
A man of all parts: Kenneth "Slick" Johnson has played many roles in his life      pro wrestling manager, haberdasher, doctor (of style), sunglasses model, international playboy, and reverend. But perhaps his brightest moment came in 1987, when he was featured on the multiplatinum "Piledriver: The Wrestling Album 2" with his hit "Jive Soul Bro." What better way to wrap up Pro Wrestling Week than with a song? Take it away, Slick.

Slick, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 7)

Gorilla Monsoon, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 6)

Name: Gorilla Monsoon
From: Manchuria
Signature moves: Airplane Spin, announcing other wrestlers' signature moves
Value of card: One DVD copy of "Gorillas in the Mist" with a big scratch on it
Key 1990 stat: Surprisingly, afraid of both apes and summer thunderstorms
Clearing up some rumors about Gorilla Monsoon:

• Gorilla Monsoon did not work part-time as a strip club doorman. But he did know the doorman by name.
• Gorilla Monsoon did not dye his hair. He just slept better when his head was covered in motor oil.
• Gorilla Monsoon is not the first person in history to make a red tuxedo look good. Nobody has made a red tuxedo look good.
• Gorilla Monsoon was, in fact, a pro wrestler before becoming the WWF's play-by-play announcer. So he was used to looking this ridiculous.
• Gorilla Monsoon was not his real name, of course. His real name was Gorilla Haboob.

Gorilla Monsoon, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 6)

Jim Lyttle, 1979 TCMA Japanese Pro Baseball

Name: Jim Lyttle
Team: Hiroshima Toyo Carp
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Carp crap
Key 1978 stat: Kept telling his buddies he had signed with the Reds and had the helmet to prove it
Fun facts about Jim Lyttle and actual carp:

• Carp are an oily freshwater fish native to Europe and Asia. Lyttle was an oily ballplayer who moved to Asia to get fresh with the ladies.
• Some carp species have a large hump along their backs. With a sweet mustache like his, you know Lyttle did a lot of humping back in his day.
• Types of carp include goldfish and koi. Lyttle's glasses resemble an aquarium.
• Many families eat carp in some parts of the world. Lyttle's play was so poor, he had a hard time feeding his family.
• Several species of carp are considered invasive species, and millions of dollars are spent trying to control them. Lyttle's body odor was considered invasive, and dozens of teammates tried to make him shower more often.

Jim Lyttle, 1979 TCMA Japanese Pro Baseball

Greg Gross, 1989 Fleer

Name: Greg Gross
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 dead frogs being eaten by maggots
Key 1988 stat: 9 straight hours locked in a construction site portable toilet
Let's see what Greg Gross stands for:

Grody dude
Rank undershirt
Elephant Man: also gross
Grimy glasses

Grungy look
Repugnant uniform color
Offensive odor
Scuzzy 'stache
Sickening resemblance to another Gross

Greg Gross, 1989 Fleer

Rich Batchelor, 1991 Classic Best

Name: Rich Batchelor
Team: Fort Lauderdale Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 square inches of tarp
Key 1990 stat: Zero runs allowed during rain delays
Yankees' scouting report on pitching prospect Rich Batchelor: "From our research, he does well in an empty stadium with no other players on the field. ... Despite being a Batchelor, we don't need to worry about him getting sidetracked with the ladies. ... If he doesn't work out, we could deal him to the 'Revenge of the Nerds' production team. ... We can foresee a future on the New York Yankees, as the assistant to the traveling secretary. ... Rich Batchelor, poor pitcher."

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Rich Batchelor, 1991 Classic Best

Tommy John, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Tommy John
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: An ounce of Vitalis hair tonic
Key 1988 stat: 82 kids yelled at for being on lawn
Here's a Caption that, as far as we know, ran in the New York Daily News circa 1988: "Yankees pitcher Tommy John, left, and fellow Alhambra Senior Apartments resident and pitching coach Art Fowler discuss removing John from his start against the Baltimore Orioles so that both can still make the early-bird special at Furr's and be back at the team hotel in time to watch 'Matlock' on Tuesday at Memorial Stadium in Baltimore, Md."

Tommy John, 1989 Upper Deck