Dick Davis, 1981 Topps

Name: Dick Davis
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Take the number of letters in his first name and divide by 4. That's the value in cents.
Key 1980 stat: Four ounces of cheese in beard
Clearing up some rumors about Dick Davis:

• Dick Davis did not have a gold tooth. That's actually foil from the entire, still-wrapped package of Rolos he just stuffed in his mouth.
• Dick Davis was not angry about having his picture taken. He was angry about not having any more Rolos.
• Dick Davis was not a defensive liability. He was a defensive irresponsibility.
• Dick Davis was not the forerunner to Fernando Rodney's style of hat-wearing. He'd just been sleeping in his full uniform again.
• Dick Davis' photos was not the worst one in the 1981 Topps set. This one was.

Dick Davis, 1981 Topps

Kevin Mitchell, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Kevin Mitchell
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The plaque scraped off Mitchell's gold tooth
Key 1989 stat: One catch that proved Mitchell was a man's man
10 awesome things that make this illustration awesomely horrendous:
10) The turtleneck reaching up the neck and to the heavens
9) The "Three Musketeers" facial hair
8) The wrapping paper background
7) The Jackson Pollock border
6) The Chin of Chins
5) The rarely-seen-in-nature jheri-curl man mullet
4) The finest gold tooth in all of the greater Bay Area
3) Mini-Mitchell
2) Big Mitchell
1) Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell and Mitchell

Kevin Mitchell, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Larry Johnson, 1991-92 Skybox (Basketball Week No. 2)

Name: Larry Johnson

Team: Charlotte Hornets

Position: Forward (in more ways than one)

Value of card: Six gold teeth

Key 1990-91 stat: 12 assists (from fashion consultants)

Larry Johnson's stream of consciousness, 9:43 to 9:45 a.m. Aug. 28, 1991: "What? What is this photographer saying? I can't hear him over my shirt. Man, I do look good, though. All this money they're giving me is going straight to radical duds, like these pants. White pants are great. They accentuate the bulge. Speaking of which, I should lift up my leg. Oh, yeah, that's the ticket. Gosh, this radioactive basketball they gave me sure is hot. I hope it's not melting my penicillin allergy bracelet. It burns! It burns! It burns! Good thing I gots so much ice in my gold teeth. Boo-ya! Forget what Mama said, a diamond-studded gold grill was a good use of $44,000. You know what else is awesome, the line I shaved in my hair. Boo-ya!"

Larry Johnson, 1991-92 Skybox (Basketball Week No. 2)

Pascual Perez, 1990 Bowman

Name: Pascual Perez

Team: New York Yankees

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: A smile so bright

Key 1989 stat: 1,000 things to be happy about

It's time for another pop quiz:

Why is Pascual Perez smiling?

(A) The fake gold from his incisor is seeping into his brain

(B) That's not a jacket he's wearing; it's a full body suit, and the zipper goes all the way down

(C) He's stoned out of his mind, hence the alternate reality behind him

(D) He's part of the Jheri Curl All-Stars

(E) It feels good to be handsome

(F) All of the above

Pascual Perez, 1990 Bowman