Dwight Gooden, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Dwight Gooden
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: One big apple, filled with worms
Key 1985 stat: Constant disgust
Yep, we've got more of 'em: That's right, Internet, your least favorite subset is back. Sure, we've already posted enough Diamond Kings to stuff a binder, but this week's seven illustrations make us wonder if the athletes featured in them are having some sort of medical emergency. So, to borrow an idea from Grandma Milhouse, go ahead and dial 9-1 while we investigate; then, if we say so, dial 1 again.
Is Dwight Gooden having a medical emergency? Upon further investigation, Doc is not having an embolism; he's just angry. Wouldn't you be? I mean, if you were painted with a laser beam going through your ears, a miniature version of yourself digging his cleats into your own neck, and your mouth at a completely different angle than the rest of your face, you can't tell me you'd be happy about it. So forgive Doc if he's a little torqued off. (Just don't tell him about the two little white lines around that laser beam.)

Dwight Gooden, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Dwight Gooden and Roger Clemens, 1987 Fleer Superstar Specials

Names: Dwight "Dr. K" Gooden and Roger, um, "Super K" Clemens
Teams: New York Mets and Boston Red Sox
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: One staged handshake
Key 1986 stat: So, so many illegal substances
Let's get these two disgraced aces into a Matchup:

Round 1: Looking at the camera (Winner: Tie     neither)
Round 2: Bulge (Winner: Dr. K)
Round 3: Future drug-related controversies (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Future loathing from two fan bases (Winner: Super K)
Round 5: Actual nickname used on card (Winner: Dr. K)
Round 6: About to fall asleep (Winner: Dr. K)
Round 7: Better record in the 1986 World Series (Winner: Super K     0-0, compared to Dr. K's 0-2)

Final score: Dr. K 3, Super K 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Clemens seemed doomed from the beginning, considering Fleer just made up a nickname for him on this card. Really, Fleer, you never heard of "The Rocket"? Still, it was a close battle, with Gooden's bulge helping to provide the winning margin. At least Buckner wasn't to blame this time.

Dwight Gooden and Roger Clemens, 1987 Fleer Superstar Specials

Dwight Gooden, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Dwight Gooden
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: A pile of ash
Key 1990 stat: Third-degree burns
Artistic quiz time: What was the inspiration for this portrait of the Doc?

A) Gooden's blazing-fast heater, known to frighten children and right-handers alike
B) Gooden's propensity to inhale toxic substances (in this case, glove smoke)
C) Gooden's paralyzing fear of the dark, which led him to burn his own possessions at night
D) That time Gooden wore his glove for a shoe and his teammates gave him a hot foot
E) A and D

Dwight Gooden, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Dwight "Doc" Gooden, 1991 Score The Franchise

Name: Dwight "Doc" Gooden
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One drinking straw
Key 1990 stat: Endless talent wasted
The charges against Dwight Gooden, as leveled by The Bust:

• One count of impersonating a mustache
• One count of impersonating a medical practitioner
• 500 counts of "writing prescriptions" for himself, using a mirror and rolled-up dollar bill
• 20 counts of fraud for luring us into buying all these baseball cards of his, thinking they'd be worth something
• Two counts of loitering with the wrong crowd (on the Mets and the Yankees)

Dwight "Doc" Gooden, 1991 Score The Franchise

Dwight Gooden, 1992 Donruss

Name: Dwight Gooden
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: The residue on a bag that an 8-ball came in
Key 1991 stat: Three teammates, one intervention
Conversation among Kevin Elster, from left, Tom Herr, Dwight Gooden and Dave Magadan, Aug. 15, 1991:
Gooden: "Guys, what are you all doing here on the mound before the first pitch?"
Magadan: "Dwight, we need to talk. This is an intervention. That's why no one is in the stadium but us."
Gooden: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys. I don't have a problem. Sure, I like to party, but ..."
Herr: "Dwight, this is serious. You snort more than a pig with a deviated septum. You drink more than sailor, a sailor who fell overboard."
Elster: "Seriously, Dwight. We like going to the club with you, but last time you put a shotgun in my mouth and then ended up drinking gin out of the barrel later."
Herr: "And there's the time you tried to snort the baseline."
Gooden: "But, but ..."
Magadan: "And the time you dropped acid on your off day and were convinced that Strawberry was actually a strawberry."
Herr: "You smoked part of my mitt, man."
Magadan: "You mistakenly shot up Mr. Pibb."
Gooden: "Hey, that was a good high, man."
Elster: "It's time you got help, Dwight. No more bathtubs filled with pills or Winner's Cup Vodka showers."
Herr: "Especially in the locker room after a loss."
Gooden: "Guys, thank you for this. (crying) I just needed someone to lay it out straight, ya know? These vices have such a powerful grip on me. Now, let's get me to a doctor."
Magadan: "That's great, Dwight. You're handling this so well."
Herr: "Yeah, that's great, Dwight. We'll get you to the doctor."
Gooden: "OK, good. His name is Dr. K. His office is down the street. Just drop me off in the dark alley near the martini neon sign. Let's get there, stat. Right after the next hit." (Gooden runs)
Magadan: "I don't think he means a base hit."
Elster: "Freebase hit, Dave. Freebase hit."

Dwight Gooden, 1992 Donruss

Dwight Gooden, 1987 Topps All-Star

Name: Dwight Gooden

Team: New York Mets

Position: Ace

Value of card: 2 grams

Key 1986 stat: Five rails blown, seventh-inning stretch

It's acrostic time:

Did drugs only during his waking hours.

White powder was in more than the rosin bag.

In the dugout, working on a ruthless hangover.

Gambled with his talent, and lost.

Haircut? Who needs one.

Taking a gummer when this photo was taken.

Good at baseball, bad at staying sober during baseball games.

Old age started early, about age 21 (above).

Officers were familiar with the Doctor.

Dr. K - for Kokaine

Even Darryl Strawberry couldn't keep up with Gooden after midnight.

Never met a bottle he didn't drink.

Dwight Gooden, 1987 Topps All-Star