Rich "Goose" Gossage, 1986 Topps

Name: Rich "Goose" Gossage
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Closer
Value of card: 11 goose feathers
Key 1985 stat: 28 men beaten up with just a stare
Here's why you shouldn't mess with the Goose:

• His mustache won't even ask Goose before strangling you.
• He wears dope shades so his stare alone doesn't force you into the fetal position with tears streaming down your cheeks.
• He might be the only man alive who could make that nickname sound manly.
• He's Rich, beeyatch.

Rich "Goose" Gossage, 1986 Topps

Len Randle, 1978 Topps

Name: Len "Lenny" Randle
Team: New York Mets
Position: Third base
Value of card: $1 off at Dr. Pokey's ColonoscopyMart
Key 1977 stat: One vicious beating
Get a handle on Lenny Randle: What is San Diego Padres first baseman Gene Richards doing to cause Lenny Randle to make that face?

A) Checking for polyps
B) Administering a court-ordered spanking for beating up Frank Lucchesi
C) Just a quick goose
D) Seeing whether the baseball fits
E) Nothing he wasn't asked to do

Len Randle, 1978 Topps

Goose Gossage, 1986 Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Goose Gossage
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Closer
Value of card: 6 ounces of goose poop
Key 1985 stat: 67,832 mustache hairs grown
Fun (horrendous) facts about Goose Gossage and geese:

• Geese are waterfowl. Goose is just foul.
• Geese can fly. Goose's handlebar mustache is fly.
• Geese have feathers. Goose's mullet is feathered.
• Geese are monogamous, living in permanent pairs throughout the year. Goose is promiscuous, but he lives as a pair with a tiny version of himself.
• Geese are known for their honking. Goose has a honkin' bulge.
• Geese are majestic creatures whose effortless ascents into flight inspire onlookers to believe in the beauty of the natural world. Goose's name is slang for sticking your finger in someone's rump.

Goose Gossage, 1986 Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Rich "Goose" Gossage, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 31)

Name: Rich "Goose" Gossage
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One goose feather
Key 1990 stat: Watched "Road House" 17 times
Pop quiz time: Why is Goose so sad?

A) Nobody wants a mustache ride
B) Studio refused to call him by his nickname
C) He's really only a little sad, but everything is bigger in Texas
D) He's thinking about how he always dies in "Top Gun"
E) All of the above

Rich "Goose" Gossage, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 31)

Steve Garvey and Goose Gossage, 1985 Fleer Super Star Special

Names: Steve Garvey and Goose Gossage
Team: San Diego Padres
Positions: First base, closer
Value of card: 17 arm hairs pulled from drain
Key 1985 stat: Six shades of vomit
It's time for a San Diego special in this round of The Matchup:

Round 1: Legendary disgusting facial hair (Winner: Gossage)
Round 2: Little-known disgusting arm hair (Winner: Garvey)
Round 3: Uniform with the worst color combination in major league history (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Obvious man love (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Sunday-best belts with puke uniform (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Old-man love handles underneath throw-up uniform (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Nickname that means a finger getting stuck in a butt (Winner: Gossage)

Score: Gossage 2, Garvey 1, Ties 4

Synopsis: It's obvious these two gentlemen have a lot in common, especially in their barf-flavored uniforms. These similarities made for an entertaining Matchup, with Goose only pulling away at the end with his nickname, which would lead you to expect the color of his index finger to match the color of his hat's side.

Steve Garvey and Goose Gossage, 1985 Fleer Super Star Special

Goose Gossage, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Goose Gossage

Team: Chicago Cubs

Position: Closer

Value of card: Bend over and let Goose show ya

Key 1988 stat: 412 "gooses"

Time for a 'stache-a-licious pop quiz:

What name did Hall of Famer Goose Gossage bestow on his mustache?

(A) Hall of Fame Handlebars

(B) 6 Pounds of Style
(C) Harry
(D) The Wraparound Upper Lip Safety Cover
(E) Moose Stache

(F) The Head Honcho on My Head

(G) All of the above

Goose Gossage, 1989 Upper Deck

Rich "Goose" Gossage, 1989 Topps

Name: Rich "Goose" Gossage

Team: Chicago Cubs

Position: Closer

Value of card: Junkyard handlebars from a rusty tricycle

Key 1988 stat: 12,831 "gooses" to teammates' backsides

Clearing up some rumors about Goose Gossage's mustache:

• Gossage didn't call his facial hair a "handlebar mustache." He called it "The Whole Damn Motorcycle."
• Gossage didn't always wear a handlebar mustache. Sometimes he flipped it over and wore sideburns and a beard.
• Gossage didn't steer his motorcycle. His mustache did.
• Gossage didn't wear a mouth guard. His mustache guarded it alone.
• Gossage didn't use a razor to shave his face. He used a bazooka and band saw.
• Gossage didn't eat. He was nourished by the power of the handlebar.

Rich "Goose" Gossage, 1989 Topps