Gaylord Perry, 1984 Fleer

Name: Gaylord Perry
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Ace
Value of card: "When I was your age, a pack of baseball cards cost a nickel."
Key 1983 stat: 18 bunions
It's time for a pop quiz from the senior home:

What's Gaylord Perry pointing at?

(A) One of 721 big-league players younger than him.
(B) A photographer who could have worked a bit harder for a better shot.
(C) A producer of "Major League" looking to research the role of Eddie Harris.
(D) Some chump reading a mediocre sports card blog.
(E) All of the above.

Gaylord Perry, 1984 Fleer

Mike Piazza, 1993 Ultra Pro

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Catcher, tuxedoed
Value of card: One of the pins from a dress shirt
Key 1993 stat: 12 meatballs pulled from Tommy Lasorda's golf bag
A winner is you: As mentioned above, Mike Piazza was named the 1993 N.L. Rookie of the Year. Here are some other awards and honors this slugging squatter has taken home in his lifetime.

• Second place, 1993 Los Angeles Mullet Grand Prix
• Preferred customer at Big Joe's Hair Grease Emporium
• First place in the 1993 ITAMODYJFTSYL (Is that a Mustache or did You Just Forget to Shave Your Lip?) Cup
• Earned 5 percent off his next rental at Men's Wearhouse for returning the above tux early
• Won an Oscar for Best Fictional Screenplay for "Mr. Piazza Goes to Cooperstown"

Mike Piazza, 1993 Ultra Pro

Eric Show, 1991 Studio, (Studio Saturday No. 43)

Name: Eric Show
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One cent for each inch of mustache
Key 1990 stat: Hair tousled 1,922 times
Eric Show's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: ShowMeTheMoney
Age: Thirtysomething
Height: It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion — oh, I see. 6'1"
Weight: 185
Hair color: The brownest of the browns
Hairstyle: Carefree and greasy
Ethnicity: Spanish (as far as you know)*
(*Note from dating service: He's white)
Religious views: Far-right
Marital status: Once bitten, twice shy
Best feature: Mustache
Smoke? I throw it
Drink? All the Hennessy jou got on jour shelf

Seeking: Mi amor
Location: North America
Her body type: Plump
Her ethnicity: Female

About me: Jes, I am Eric Show, the quasi-Latino lover, and I am here to love jou. My mustache is made from the finest fibers in all of Espana, and my hair contains enough oil to heat our home on cold winter nights.  Please, allow me to be the one to gaze meaningfully into jour eyes as I ply jou with champagne and oysters, building to the moment when we kiss and my mustache's primary purpose switches from warming my lips to warming jours.

Eric Show, 1991 Studio, (Studio Saturday No. 43)

John Franco, 1988 Topps

Name: John Franco
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Closer
Value of card: Two pieces of pocket lint from thrift-store pants
Key 1987 stat: 30 teammates antagonized
Putting the "jerk" in jerkface: John Franco was a scumbag. Rather than working on his screwball during practice, the pitcher would sit as close as he could to the batting cages, fart and then snicker as the hitters would try and fight through his "Brooklyn Bombs" during BP. Everybody was able to laugh off this childish prank — that is, until Franco stole Chris Sabo's glasses one morning, as seen in this photo. Sabo, unable to see without his face windshield, snapped when Franco decided to break wind during his hitting session. Sabo charged out of the cage and at Franco, wielding his bat and following Franco's hideous scent. Franco, terrified for his life, quickly turned his Cincinnati Reds pants into something more resembling the Cleveland Browns.

John Franco, 1988 Topps

Shawn Abner, 1992 Topps

Name: Shawn Abner
Team: California Angels
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One copy, "A Meathead's Guide to Mullets" by Abner, Shawn
Key 1991 stat: Zero times not fired up
The ABCs of Shawn Abner:
A - Angel in the outfield
B - Blurry glove
C - Career .227 hitter
D - Dark, beady eyes
E - Eternally benched
F - Flowing hairdo
G - Grounded into double play — constantly
H - Hat askew
I - INTENSITY!!!
J - Jock strap too tight, thus causing added intensity
K - K's, as in strikeouts — and lots of 'em
L - Look of death
M - Mullet perm
N - Nobody remembers Shawn Abner
O - "Over here! Throw me the ball!"
P - Performance-enhancing drugs: Never took 'em, never played like he did
Q - Quick-moving left hand made him hard to photograph
R - Rheumatoid arthritis — the only explanation for Abner's batting average
S - Six underwhelming major league seasons
T - "Throw me the freakin' ball!"
U - Unnecessarily large forearms
V - Vein throbbing in forehead
W - "Why won't you throw me the FREAKIN' BALL?!"
X - Xenophobia (fear of strangers) could explain why he rarely left the batter's box
Y - "Yes, Mr. Abner, you've been sent back to the minors. Again."
Z - Zero fans

Shawn Abner, 1992 Topps

Pascual Perez, 1989 Topps

Name: Pascual Perez

Team: Montreal Expos

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: 6 ounces of Jheri curl juice

Key 1988 stat: Four letters in cursive, one letter printed

What a beauty: Pascual Perez is a beautiful man. Look at those soggy locks dripping sensual ooze onto his shoulders. The dripping strands cover his ears and have slipped past the front of his hat onto his forehead in the sexiest of ways. The hat itself accentuates Perez's perfect facial bone structure. His cheek bones lift his skin high, allowing the flaps to fall gracefully over his face. Perez's nose is the size of a pro-wrestler's fist, not at all making the pitcher look like a poodle. The glistening gold teeth add pizazz to the Perez package, perhaps drawing as much attention as his 5-inch Adam's apple. All told, few men encapsulate beauty this well.

Pascual Perez, 1989 Topps

Roger McDowell, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Roger McDowell

Team: Los Angeles Dodgers

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: One associate's degree

Key 1992 stat: One class audited at Lasorda University

Pop quiz at Lasorda U:

What is the mascot of Lasorda University's athletics teams?

(A) The Splintered Toothpicks

(B) The Sopping Headbands

(C) The Single Gloves

(D) The Greasy Mullets

(E) The Pot-Bellied Scuzzballs

(F) All of the above

Roger McDowell, 1993 Upper Deck

John Franco, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: John Franco

Team: New York Mets

Position: Closer

Value of card: Six months of finger elephantiasis treatment

Key 1992 stat: 11 inches of mustache

Time for another pop quiz:

What is that on John Franco's face?

(A) A mirror image of his massive eyebrows

(B) The Tropic of Capricorn

(C) The embodiment of his infatuation with Tom Selleck

(D) The hide of his beloved ferret, Mr. Squiggles

(E) The Franco-Plush'en War

(F) All of the above

John Franco, 1993 Topps Stadium Club