Mike Piazza, 1997 Pinnacle Dufex Museum Collection

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 3 ounces of the dirt that gets captured in the jock strap's cup pouch during a game
Key 1996 stat: 142 pizzas eaten (Eh, oh!)
Don't mess with Piazza: Yeah, you're looking good. You're hauling tail around second, and then past third, and you're headed home. You're staring at that plate, and no one will get in your way. You can taste the go-ahead run you'll score for your team. You hustle, get down and slide toward home. And then — POW! — you get the Piazza special. Right in the dainty grapes. Right in the short-and-softies. Right in the soft-boiled eggs. Right in the tender 'ronis. Right in the oval oysters. Right in the man guts. Yup, for Piazza, the count is always two balls, one strike.

Mike Piazza, 1997 Pinnacle Dufex Museum Collection

Matt Morris, 2003 Fleer Ultra

Name: Matt Morris
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Ace
Value of card: Three overfried Rocky Mountain oysters
Key 2002 stat: 10 terrible puns
A post for all the marbles: Matt Morris was having a monumental 2002 season, winning games, striking out hitters and controlling his balls whenever they left his hand. Though some of his boys thought he was nuts, he stuck to his routine: have eggs in the morning, toss stones in the early afternoon, exercise in strange ways focusing on the area between his legs in the late afternoon, and play with his stepchildren at night. Despite the criticism, Morris stuck to the family jewels of wisdom his father gave him: When in doubt, turn your head and cough, and never stick hooks in the tackle. Stick to those, he'd say, and you'll always pass the testes.

Matt Morris, 2003 Fleer Ultra

Keith Comstock, 1989 ProCards

Name: Keith Comstock
Team: Las Vegas Stars
Positions: Pitcher, fetal (in about three seconds)
Value of card: A twig and two berries
Key 1988 stat: Glued a baseball to his crotch for a photo shoot
Here's a question for you: What was Keith Comstock saying when this photo was taken?

A) "ARRRRGGGHHH!! Right in the fungo!"
B) "OHHHHHHH!! My giblets!"
C) "OOOOFFFFF!! 'Protective' cup, my ass!"
D) "GUUUUUUUH!! Why did I even bring a glove if I'm not going to use it?"
E) "Las Vegas Stars, 1988 PCL champions, WOOOOO!!"

Keith Comstock, 1989 ProCards

Charlie Manuel, 2001 Topps

Name: Charlie Manuel
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Manager
Value of card: A dab of jock itch cream
Key 2000 stat: Never heard of the Y2K bug
Let's not be rash: The Cleveland Indians dugout took a turn for the gross in 2000 when skipper Charlie Manuel came down with a case of tinea cruris, better known as jock itch. While it was unfortunate enough that the manager was constantly clawing at his nether regions, it took almost a week for the team to figure out that Manuel was not, in fact, giving the all-too-similar bunt sign to every batter who stepped to the plate. The Tribe went winless that week, but both team and manager soon found relief when the head trainer handed Manuel an anti-fungal cream.

Charlie Manuel, 2001 Topps

Vicente Palacios, 1992 Donruss

Name: Vicente Palacios
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A used Tic-Tac
Key 1991 stat: Constant fear
Vicente Palacios' train of thought from 12:03 to 12:05 p.m., March 16, 1992: "Please don't throw the ball to me, please don't throw the ball to me, please don't throw the ball to me, please don't throw the ball to me, OH CRAP, HERE COMES THE BALL! Whew, it didn't hit me. OK, here you go guys, now please don't throw the ball to me, please don't throw the ball to me, please don't throw the ball to me, SON OF A! Why do you insist on throwing the ball to me!? OK, gonna have to try to catch it      OW! God, that hit me right in the junk! Here, take the damn ball back! Please, for the love of God, don't throw the ball to me, please, for the love of God, don't throw the ball to me, please, for the love of God, don't throw the ball to me, please, for the love of God, don't throw the ball to me, NOT AGAIN! Oh hell, I think I pooped myself. Yep, I did. Screw this, I'm going to the clubhouse."

Vicente Palacios, 1992 Donruss

Mike Gminski, 1991-92 Upper Deck (Another White Ballers Week No. 2)

Name: Mike Gminski
Team: Charlotte Hornets
Position: Center, of course
Value of card: $5 off orthopedic shoes
Key 1991-92 stat: 29 wheels of cheese eaten
It's The Caption: Charlotte Hornets center Mike Gminski throws an outlet pass after pulling down a rebound during Wednesday's game. It was Gminski's first action of the season, and may be his last, as he left the game in the fourth quarter with a chronic wedgie that occurred when he pulled his own unimaginably short shorts up to his chest. There is no timetable for his return, as nobody gives a crap about the Charlotte Hornets or this big, white freak.

Mike Gminski, 1991-92 Upper Deck (Another White Ballers Week No. 2)

Kevin Seitzer, 1996 Score

Name: Kevin Seitzer

Team: Milwaukee Brewers

Positions: Third base, crumbled in pain

Value of card: Two "prairie oysters," blended, served over ice

Key 1995 stat: One debilitating hit by pitch

Kevin Seitzer's train of thought, 2:14 p.m. to 2:15 p.m. July 17, 1995: "Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Oh. My. God. Owwwwww. I can't believe that bastard hit me. I can't believe I didn't wear a cup. Can't move. So ... much ... pain. My little buddies have liquefied. My goods are bad. The rocks, rickrolled. I need medication. The hurt tastes like grapefruit juice and organs. Ohhhhhh, the humanity! My privates are public. The nuts, cracked. I got an F on the testes. The huevos, rancheros. My gonads aren't going anywhere. The count? Two balls, one strike. Owwwwww."

Kevin Seitzer, 1996 Score

Dave Henderson and Jerry Browne, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Names: Dave Henderson (bottom), Jerry Browne

Teams: Oakland A's, Cleveland Indians

Positions: Outfield, second base, entangled

Value of card: One California Lotto Triple Play scratcher ticket, pre-scratched, no matching numbers

Key 1991 stat: One fun-filled afternoon horsin' around

A touchy-feely installment of The Matchup:

Round 1: Youthful exuberance (Winner: Tie)

Round 2: Subtle copped feel (Winner: Henderson)

Round 3: Flip-up sunglasses (Winner: Browne)

Round 4: Eye-scarring brightness of socks (Winner: Henderson)

Round 5: Little-kid climbing ability (Winner: Browne)

Round 6: Tooth gap (Winner: Henderson)

Round 7: Homoerotic tendencies (Winner: Tie)

Score: Henderson 3, Browne 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Sure, it was just a couple of dudes horsing around on the diamond touching each other in just the right places and in just the right ways, but Henderson proved that copping a feel can be a victory unto itself as well as a part of a bigger victory.

... and you thought that post was bad: The great minds at Donruss had their own cheesy jokes, and decided to include the bits of genius on the back of the card: "These guys could go on the pro-wrestling circuit. Dave Henderson of the Athletics has his arm locked around Jerry Browne's leg and looks like he's giving a piggy-back ride." Feel free to smash your keyboard into a wall now.

Dave Henderson and Jerry Browne, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

William Suero, 1993 Topps

Name: William Suero
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Utility infielder
Value of card: Three sticks of butter
Key 1992 stat: One groin injury
That's gotta hurt: You think you're having a bad day? At least you didn't take a Paul Sorrento to the crotch. You can see the grimace starting to form on the infielder's face. Kudos to William Suero for turning the double play despite getting No. 11ed. Hats off, William Suero — see, even Sorrento agrees. Way to take one for the team, even at the cost of infertility.

William Suero, 1993 Topps