Kurt Bevacqua, 1976 Topps Bazooka

Name: Kurt Bevacqua
Team: Milwaukee Bubbles Brewers
Position: Infield
Value of card: See the shape of that bubble? Picture a number that's the same shape
Key 1975 stat: 467,908 pieces of Bazooka gum chewed (No, not at once.)
What an honor: Everyone, everyone, stand up and let's give Kurt Bevacqua a hand. This is something special. In a sport that holds home runs and strikeouts in high esteem, we finally get a glimpse of true talent. Here is the man whose nickname was "Dirty," who batted .236 during his 14-year career with eight teams, and who overcame adversity and other cliches to win the prestigious, the hallowed, the chewy 1975 Joe Garagiola/Bazooka Bubble Gum Blowing Championship. What does he win? How about a pair of Bazooka cardboard baseball scissors and measuring sticks, a lifetime supply of 6-year-old, granite-hard Bazooka gum and a real, military-grade bazooka? What prizes. But the real honor? Knowing no one else in baseball truly blows as much as he does.

Kurt Bevacqua, 1976 Topps Bazooka

Mike Remlinger, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Mike Remlinger
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six pieces of ABC gum (What's ABC gum? Ask a second-grader.)
Key 1991 stat: 12 attempts to quit chewing tobacco
Time for a delicious pop quiz:

What's that in Mike Remlinger's mouth?

(A) Bubblegum, in place of a chewing tobacco addiction.
(B) The first egg of 17 to be pulled from his mouth as part of a magic trick.
(C) The cue ball, in an act of defiance after losing a game of pool to teammate Kevin Mitchell.
(D) It's skin and it's part of his throat; Remlinger is a third German, a third Portugeuse and a third lizard.
(E) None of the above.

Mike Remlinger, 1992 Upper Deck

Jeff Kunkel, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 12)

Name: Jeff Kunkel

Team: Texas Rangers

Position: Infield

Value of card: You know that piece of gum stuck under your desk? Half of that

Key 1990 stat: 22-inch bubble diameter

Transcript of Big League Chew commercial, circa 1991: "Hey, kids. Do you like to blow? Do you like to pop? I'm little-known Major League Baseball player Jeff Kunkel and I sure do, and I know you do, too. (Cut to shot of Kunkel blowing a huge bubble.) So get those mouths a-blowing and and make it pop with Big League Chew, now with a salty aftertaste that the big leaguers — and their wives — can't get enough of. (Kunkel's bubble pops.) You've had regular bubble gum. Borrrinnnggg. Grab some Big League Chew. Your parents' bubble gum is soft and small. The new Big League Chew is long and rigid, and just calls out for you to stuff it in your mouth. (Cut to shot of Kunkel slowly inserting clump of gum strips into his mouth and rubbing it all over his lips.) So start chewing the gum that's bursting with flavor, the gum that the big leaguers love. Blow some Chew, and make it pop."

Jeff Kunkel, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 12)

Dennis Martinez, 1996 Upper Deck

Name: Dennis "El Presidente" Martinez

Team: Cleveland Indians

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Chewing gum residue in your hair

Key 1995 stat: 17 more wrinkles than mustache hairs

Clearing up some rumors about "El Presidente":

• Martinez didn't have wrinkles. He had folds of skin that allowed him to store pieces of gum.
• Martinez wasn't really a president. He had a mustache that was presidential.
• Martinez wasn't the only one blowing bubbles in the dugout. He said to ask your sister.
• Martinez didn't chew gum for the flavor. In his native Nicaragua, blowing a big bubble is similar to "flipping the bird" in the United States.
• Martinez doesn't chew gum with sugar. He's sweet enough.

Dennis Martinez, 1996 Upper Deck

Harold Baines, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Harold Baines

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Designated hitter

Value of card: The gum stuck under the desk at which you're sitting

Key 1991 stat: 188 strands of gum stuck in Baines' beard

Script from Bazooka Joe Bubble Gum commercial, circa 1991: "(Gum bubble bursts in camera.) Hey, kids, Harold Baines here for Bazooka Joe Bubble Gum. I'm a designated hitter on the diamond, but I'm a designated blower everywhere else. (Baines blows a bubble that splatters all over his face. He uses his tongue to get it off.) I blow at home. I blow in the car. I blow in the store. I blow on the streets. I blow in alleys. I blow in bath houses. I blow whenever I see a teammate in the locker room. I blow whenever I get the chance. You see, kids, it's all about blowing. And if you want to blow the best, blow Bazooka Joe. You get a good pop in your mouth every time."

Harold Baines, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Gary Sheffield, 1989 Topps Bazooka insert

Name: Gary Sheffield
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Five petrified pieces of bubble gum
Key 1988 stat: Two Ted Power books read
Choose your own adventure: You are Gary Sheffield, stud baseball rookie and badass. Your gold necklace weighs 5 pounds and your bat shoots stars when you swing it. You're on deck during the bottom of the ninth in a tie game with the White Sox and decide to pop a refreshing piece of Bazooka bubble gum. OW! Turns out the gum you put in your mouth is hard as a rock, and you now have two broken molars! Manager Tom Trebelhorn is ready to send in a pinch hitter for you. What do you do?

To wuss out and let someone else bat for you, click here.
To pop another piece of delicious Bazooka gum and let the chips fall where they may, click here.
To lose your mind and start shooting stars from your bat at everyone, click here.
To rip off your sleeves, swallow your broken teeth and stride to plate like a badass, click here.

Gary Sheffield, 1989 Topps Bazooka insert

Bo Jackson, 1991 Bo Knows Bart (Bo Week, No. 2)

Names: Bo Jackson, Bart Simpson

Teams: Kansas City Royals, Springfield Isotopes

Positions: Outfield; Mischievous, catch phrase-spitting brat

Value of card: One pair of shorts, eaten

Key 1990 stats: 50 humorous chalkboard recitations; 50 massive bubbles blown

It's time for The Matchup, Bo Week-style:

Round 1: Short-shorts (Winner: Bart)

Round 2: Bubbles coming from mouth (Winner: Tie)

Round 3: Bulge (Winner: Bo)

Round 4: Anatomical makeup allowing for bulge (Winner: Bo)

Round 5: Hovering height (Winner: Bart)

Round 6: Random light-blue lump on shoulder (Winner: Bo)

Round 7: Size of head (Winner: Bart)

Round 8: Popularity among 12-year-olds in 1991 (Winner: Tie)

Round 9: Tiny headwear (Winner: Bo)

Score: Bo 4, Bart 3 (Ties, 2)

Synopsis: The competition was stiff, but, as is usually the case, a grown man with a bat beats a punk kid with a smart mouth and a skateboard.

Bo Jackson, 1991 Bo Knows Bart (Bo Week, No. 2)

Kevin Mitchell, Ken Griffey Jr., Jay Buhner, 1993 Upper Deck Teammates

Names: Kevin Mitchell, Ken Griffey Jr., Jay Buhner
Teams: Seattle Mariners, Pacific Sock Exchange
Positions: Left, center and right field
Value of card: Five bats
Key 1992 stat: 490 socks exchanged
It's time for The Matchup, trio-style — 2 points for a win, 1 point for a tie:

Round 1: Number of bats (Winner: Tie between Mitchell and Buhner)
Round 2: Stockiness (Winner: Mitchell)
Round 3: Lack of expression (Winner: Griffey)
Round 4: Boyish pranks (Winner: Buhner)
Round 5: Socks (Winner: Inconclusive, as they're constantly being exchanged)
Round 6: Sleeves (Winner: Mitchell)
Round 7: Best use of metal suitcase (Winner: Griffey)
Round 8: Mock turtlenecks: (Winner: Tie between Mitchell and Buhner)
Round 9: Bulge (Winner: Mitchell)
Round 10: Having same name as father (Winner: Griffey)

Final score: Mitchell 8, Griffey 6, Buhner 4

Kevin Mitchell, Ken Griffey Jr., Jay Buhner, 1993 Upper Deck Teammates

Dave Parker, 1991 Upper Deck checklist

Name: Dave Parker
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: One pack of Big League Chew, vintage 1990
Key 1990 stat: 2 metric tons of bubble gum chewed
Sticky, icky: Dave "The Cobra" Parker spent just one year with Milwaukee, but his presence was never forgotten. Parker had put on about 30 pounds and become unpleasant to be around after quitting smoking in 1989. The only way he seemed to cope was with a wad of pink bubble gum pinched in his cheek. Pack after pack of Big League Chew would disappear into Parker's maw, and by the end of a game, his beard would be a half-pink, half-black bushy mess. The remnants of his impressive bubbles would often stick in his facial hair, but rather than trimming them out or shaving the beard altogether, Parker would color over them with a magic marker. By the end of the season, his facial fuzz was so coated with old gum and ink it had hardened into a type of protective chin strap, earning The Cobra another nickname: Helmet face.

Dave Parker, 1991 Upper Deck checklist