Tony Gwynn, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Tony Gwynn
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One terrible Christmas present
Key 1988 stat: Sixth full week of Donruss Diamond Kings brought to you by The Bust
Welcome to Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week: Let us start by saying we're sorry. We know we've nearly drowned our nine readers with Diamond Kings over the years, yet we're bringing you more, just in time for the holidays. So, following in the cleat marks and paint splotches of Atrocious Diamond Kings Week, God-Awful Diamond Kings Week, Dreadful Diamond Kings Week, Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week and Disturbing Diamond Kings Week, we offer you, with our heads hung low, Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week.
Not quite induction worthy: Tony Gwynn was a Hall of Famer. This card was not. While the Hall stands for all that is right with the game, this card stands for all that's wrong with sports card illustrations. From Gwynn's crooked hat to Gwynn's crooked mustache to Gwynn's crooked neck to Gwynn's crooked eyes — well, we're sensing a trend here. But we understand, when there's an exploding star right behind you, things can get a bit out of whack.

Tony Gwynn, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Tony Gwynn, 1996 Upper Deck (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 2)

Name: Tony Gwynn
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Half off tuition at Lasorda University (Actual value: $0)
Key 1995 stat: One grading scandal
Pencils out, it's time for an educational pop quiz: What collegiate class did Tony Gwynn teach?

A) Religion and Art 212
B) Sewing Cargo Pockets onto Jeans 302 (Lab)
C) Chili Dog Consumption 440 (Colloquium)
D) Collar Popping in Modern America 110
E) None of the above, though he did school a few pitchers in his day

Tony Gwynn, 1996 Upper Deck (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 2)

Tony Gwynn, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 3)

Name: Tony Gwynn
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Three tabs of acid (hence what you're seeing)
Key 1993 stat: One long, strange trip
10 mixed messages one could interpret from this card:
10) Once you make the Hall of Fame, you're whisked away to a hallucinogenic wonderland.
9) Gwynn's head is so big it has its own orbiting satellites.
8) San Diego is full of bright-orange skies, boats, palm trees and a giant net that for no explainable reason covers part of the night sky.
7) Gwynn is a wizard ... make that a priest ... make that a pinstriped Jedi.
6) If that's a halo formed by baseballs, there's a certain team in Anaheim that should have a Hall of Famer on its roster.
5) Gwynn believed in religion, but not as much as he believed in mock turtlenecks.
4) Baseball's rules, regulations, sayings and secrets are kept in a bible — a blank one
3) Gwynn was the first gay-rights-promoting baseball player.
2) Fleer made ugly batting gloves.
1) Drugs can get you a job painting pictures for baseball cards.

Tony Gwynn, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 3)

Chris Gwynn and Tony Gwynn, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Names: Chris Gwynn and Tony Gwynn
Teams: Los Angeles Dodgers, San Diego Padres
Positions: Outfield and outfield
Value of card: It's nothing between brothers
Key 1991 stats: 35 hits for one, 168 hits for the other
Time for a Gwynn family edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Ultra-mesh undershirt peepshow (Winner: Tony)
Round 2: Weight, in ounces, of sweat collecting on neck and jacket (Winner: Chris)
Round 3: Circumference of head, measured around cheeks (Winner: Tony)
Round 4: Lip-gripping 'stache (Winner: Chris)
Round 5: Tucked-in jacket fashion faux pas (Winner: Chris)
Round 6: Overall baseball success and cheerfulness (Winner: Tony)
Round 7: Mama's favorite (Winner: Chris)

Score: Chris 4, Tony 3

Synopsis: In what has to be one of the biggest upsets in Matchup history, Chris Gwynn shows his Hall of Fame brother that a mother's love really is all that matters.

Chris Gwynn and Tony Gwynn, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Chris Gwynn, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Chris Gwynn

Team: Kansas City Royals

Positions: Outfield, bat in junk

Value of card: Unsure about the card, but Gwynn is getting his money's worth

Key 1992 stat: 6 ounces of "pine tar" on bat

Chris Gwynn's stream of consciousness, 1:14 to 1:16 p.m. May 14, 1992: "Man, where can I put this bat? On my shoulder? No, that's uncomfortable. In my hands? No, that looks awkward. Should I lay it on the field? No, that's disrespectful. Where to put it. Where to put it. What about right here, nestled in my groin. Ooh, yeah. That feels great. And I bet I look pretty masculine. Ooh, yeah. I'll have to tell the wife about this one. I wonder if Dad ever hung out in the on-deck circle like this. I said "hung out." Ha, ha. Ooh, baby. This is nice. What if I shift my weight to the left a bit? Oooooooh, that's the ticket. Why is the pitcher looking at me funny? Who cares. I'm taking this bat out to dinner tonight."

Chris Gwynn, 1993 Upper Deck