Dave Dravecky, 1990 Score

Name: Dave Dravecky
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 rolls of gauze
Key 1989 stat: 18 injuries
It's time for an injury-plagued pop quiz:

What were Dave Dravecky's other injuries?

(A) Cuts from the sharpness of his own hair helmet.
(B) Groin fatigue.
(C) Neck rash from turtleneck overuse.
(D) Face froze that way.
(E) All of the above.

Dave Dravecky, 1990 Score

Don Buchheister, 1979 TCMA

Name: Don Buchheister
Team: Cedar Rapids Giants
Position: General manager
Value of card: He'll trade ya for it
Key 1978 stat: 17 trades made (for worthless baseball cards)
Here are some of the moves made by Cedar Rapids Giants executive Don Buchheister:

• Traded a third baseman and a right-handed middle reliever for a pastrami on rye.
• Offered a lucrative free agent contract to Sid Limpis of Sid's Stupendous Straw Hats on West 65th Street.
• Scouted Single A and promoted a pitching machine.
• Tried to fire a manager — from the local Long John Silver's

Don Buchheister, 1979 TCMA

Rickey Jackson, 1989 Topps (Football Friday No. 212)

Name: Rickey Jackson
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One paper bag, worn over the head
Key 1989 stat: 74 tackles (of his barber)
Here's a Caption that likely didn't run in the New Orleans Times-Picayune circa 1989: "Saints linebacker Rickey Jackson shows off his new haircut during Sunday's game in Chicago, claiming its design gives him an aerodynamic advantage on the field. However, when asked how that advantage worked once his helmet was on, Jackson stuttered and then broke down in tears, admitting to losing a bet over how many pimento loaf sandwiches he could eat in one sitting after coming up three short of the wagered mark of 60."

Rickey Jackson, 1989 Topps (Football Friday No. 212)

Enrique Romo, 1981 Fleer

Name: Enrique Romo
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 11 pounds of compost
Key 1980 stat: 3 months spent as a compost collector
It's time for a disheveled pop quiz:

What does Enrique Romo have a problem with?

(A) Uniforms
(B) Razors and haircuts
(C) One itty-bitty earlobe sticking out
(D) Sub-par baseball cards
(E) Fake pirates
(F) You, punk
(G) All of the above

Enrique Romo, 1981 Fleer

Tom Dempsey, 1975 Topps Record Holders (Football Friday No. 207)

Name: Tom Dempsey
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Kicker
Value of card: Even trade for a dirt sandwich
Key 1974 stat: 219 kicks (in the pants)
Some of the records held by Tom Dempsey:

• Most cheeseburgers eaten in a quarter
• Volume of handlebar mustache in a game
• Number of women and children frightened in a season
• Least number of toes vs. most field goals in a career
• Most members of a biker gang mistaken for in a life

Tom Dempsey, 1975 Topps Record Holders (Football Friday No. 207)

Denny Martinez, 1982 Topps

Name: Denny Martinez
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 Grand Slam at Denny's
Key 1981 stat: 265 Grand Slams eaten at Denny's by Denny
Denny Martinez's autograph is a bit confusing; here's what it might say:

• Itsa Jesus Party
• Look, jeers patented
• Lardo Chorizo Pastrami
• Latin satin perfection
• Glorious hair helmet of love (in Spanish)
• El Dennis Presidente

Denny Martinez, 1982 Topps

Rich Gale, 1981 Topps

Name: Rich Gale
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It won't make you rich, and it won't bring you a windfall
Key 1980 stat: Never afraid to rock a soul patch
Here's what Rich Gale stands for:

Royals were lucky to have such a well-coiffed hurler
It's possible, of course, that that's just a red panda resting on his head
Can't tell who Rich is looking at, but we doubt it's anyone as attractive as the hunky Mr. Gale
His hair sported a nifty 3.40 ERA that year, two full runs below Rich's number

Glasses would have knocked down a comeback liner without even taking a scratch...
And that mustache would have caught it
Little silver chain is the best 50 cents anyone ever put in a gumball machine
Everyone who watched this guy pitch agrees: Gale blows

Rich Gale, 1981 Topps

Mike Schmidt, 1988 Topps

Name: Mike Schmidt
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Third base
Value of card: Rhymes with "Schmidt"
Key 1987 stat: One all-star hair helmet
Can't beat a classic: Ahh, the 1988 Topps set. In addition to boasting top-notch photography and high standards of quality (*cough*), it's clear that the good people behind '88 Topps also had a creative side. Or maybe they were just color blind. Purple and green as the base colors for the Phillies? Why not? Pink and yellow for the Dodgers? Terrific! Green and orange for the Expos? Sounds great. Red and blue for the Angels? Absolu     oh, wait, that actually is correct. Carry on, then.

Card suggested by Tyler Kepner

Mike Schmidt, 1988 Topps

Pat Underwood, 1981 Topps

Name: Pat Underwood, as played by Ashton Kutcher
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two ripped ticket stubs to "The Butterfly Effect"
Key 1980 stat: $22 million loss at the box office
Role of a lifetime: Fresh off his turn as Apple co-founder and visionary Steve Jobs in "Jobs," Ashton Kutcher was looking for a challenge. He found it in a script titled "A Tiger's Stripes" and in a character named Pat Underwood. Kutcher knew he had to dedicate himself fully to the movie and live inside the role, as if he were Underwood. He grew out his hair nearly an inch, gained 3 pounds and kind of learned how to throw a baseball. He was a perfect fit. The movie mainly focused on Underwood's off-the-field life, where he dated well-known women, faced a staggering amount of criticism in the media and dabbled in what could be considered the Twitter of its day, the push-button telephone. Yes, it was as if Kutcher were made for the role, all the way down to the character's vaguely sexually explicit name that would have worked as a poor punch line in "Dude, Where's My Car?"

Pat Underwood, 1981 Topps

Bob Sykes, 1979 Topps

Name: Bob Sykes
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: $50      Syke!
Key 1978 stat: Didn't know how to pose for a photo
It's a rather awkward edition of The Caption: "Tigers pitcher Bob Sykes does a series of lunges in the dirt while wearing a winter jacket that doesn't fit him and chewing an entire can of Copenhagen that he stuffed into his mushroom-shaped head during spring training Friday in Lakeland, Fla."

Bob Sykes, 1979 Topps

Mike Schmidt and Pete Rose, 1982 Donruss Phillies Finest

Name: Mike Schmidt, Pete Rose
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Third base, first base
Value of card: Two plays on a nickel slot machine
Key 1981 stat: 12,381 times ridiculed for uniforms' ridiculous color combination
It's time for a City of Brotherly Love edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Most tire rubber wrapped around chest and stomach (Winner: Rose)
Round 2: Weight of mustache, in pounds (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 3: Haircut most likely to be seen on "Little House on the Prairie" (Winner: Rose)
Round 4: Most actual bird feathers in unkempt haircut's wings (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 5: Volume of baby-blue bulge (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Amount of blood flow restricted due to skintight pants (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Number of clipboards held awkwardly at side during a (cough, cough) professional photo shoot (Winner: Schmidt)

Score: Schmidt 3, Rose 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: It was a tight battle with little love lost between Charlie Hustle and Schmidty in the City of Brotherly Love, but, as usual, the Hall of Famer came out on top. You can bet on it.

Mike Schmidt and Pete Rose, 1982 Donruss Phillies Finest

Jack Snow, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 180)

Name: Jack Snow
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Three melted snowflakes
Key 1971 stat: Several weeks of regret
Here's what Jack Snow stands for:

Jumping around like a ninny
Acting like a fool
Carrying the ball in way that's just begging for a strip
Kicking his legs in the air like a toddler

Strutting around like an idiot
Nosing ahead in the race for NFC's biggest jackass
Obeying every ridiculous command from the photographer
We didn't even get to his pasted-down hard part. Oh well.

Jack Snow, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 180)

Chet Lemon and Dennis Lamp, 1982 Topps Leaders

Names: Chet Lemon and Dennis Lamp
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: Outfield and pitcher, respectively
Value of card: One lamp that doesn't work
Key 1981 stat: One plate of spaghetti shared, a la "Lady and the Tramp"
It's a Name Hall of Fame Matchup between two Pale Hose:

Round 1: Better name (Winner: Lemon, but only because of "Chet")
Round 2: Resemblance to a walrus (Winner: Lamp)
Round 3: Square acreage of collar (Winner: Lemon)
Round 4: Got more ladies to pucker up (Winner: Lamp, surprisingly)
Round 5: Brighter personality (Winner: Lemon, again, surprisingly)
Round 6: Requisite early-'80s hair helmet (Winner: Lamp)
Round 7: Noise-muffling sideburns (Winner: Lamp)

Final score: Lamp 4, Lemon 3

Synopsis: Dennis Lamp shines at the end to peel the victory away from Chet Lemon. Lemon doesn't look too sour about the whole thing, though      after all, he doesn't have 18 pounds of hair to weigh him down.

Chet Lemon and Dennis Lamp, 1982 Topps Leaders

Cornelius Bennett, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 6)

Name: Cornelius Bennett, aka "Big Bear"
Team: Boo-falo Bills
Positions: Linebacker, catching salmon in a river
Value of card: 62 pounds of fish guts
Key 1993 splat: 10 6-inch fingernails
Questionable content: Let's get this straight. Here we have Cornelius Bennett, famed Buffalo Bills linebacker, masquerading as "Big Bear." Let's repeat that: A Buffalo player is dressed like a bear. Wouldn't it make a little bit more sense to have a Chicago Bears player dressed as "Big Bear"? What's next, Mike Singletary dresses up as "Blitzing Buffalo"? But, given the quality of this get-up, it really doesn't matter. Bennett looks more like a buffalo than a bear, anyway. That dangling hair. Those long, pointy nails. That beard. Oh, wait, Bennett doesn't look like a buffalo or a bear, he looks like a hairy guy named Bill who has eaten too many bear claws. Solid execution, Coca-Cola. Your lack of attention to detail is, once again, frightening.

Cornelius Bennett, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 6)

Johnny Bench, 2011 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 1)

Name: Johnny Bench
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Burnt polyester
Key 2011 stat: Didn't wear that suit (hopefully)
Welcome to Goodwin Champions Week: Card companies lately have felt the urge to return to their roots, creating sets based on turn-of-the-20th-century tobacco cards. Topps has done it with Allen & Ginter's, and in recent years, Upper Deck has responded with a product called Goodwin Champions. The problem, as you can see above, is that the Goodwin Champions cards tend to feature athletes from all eras looking absolutely ridiculous. All week, we'll be bringing you some of the weirdest this set has had to offer, but first, a surgeon general's warning: Viewing some of these creations may lead to nausea.
Time to get Benched: Here's the good, bad and ugly of this Johnny Bench card.

The good: Brought enough lapel to share with his friends.
The bad: Is that a hairstyle or a family of chinchillas on his scalp?
The ugly: Not only did he shoot the couch to make that suit, he gunned down his best bed linens for that shirt.

Johnny Bench, 2011 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 1)

Greg Minton, 1978 Topps

Name: Greg Minton
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Seven broken crayons
Key 1977 stat: 13 colors in the artist's palette
A critic's take on this fine artwork: You know it when you see it: charisma. In all its glory, before you, staring, ever so subtly, into the vast abyss of modern American life, and into your soul. This piece features one man, but it speaks to millions. The glasses, as if formed from the grill of an all-American Chevrolet. The mustache, turned downward, as our lives so often are. The teeth. Oh, those bright, brilliant teeth — they light the way into the future, a senseless but staggering future, full of possibility, crammed with ideas. Yes, ideas, the rejuvenation of existence in one simple moment. Yes, ideas, often glorious, always fleeting. Yes, ideas, the kind that sometimes — for the lucky few — are as great as this, a combination photograph and color-by-numbers executed by the next great American artist, third-grader Benny Carrasco. Fin.

Greg Minton, 1978 Topps

Jeff Montgomery, 1998 Topps Opening Day

Name: Jeff Montgomery
Team: Kansas City Firemen Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Smoke inhalation
Key 1997 stat: Pulled the fire alarm 27 times as a prank
Safety first, kids: The honchos at Topps probably thought this card was pretty funny, but we see several fire code (and good taste) violations in the photo. Therefore, we see no choice but to assess some fines.

• $50 for removing the only fire extinguisher in the building and using it as a prop.
• $150 for having Jeff Montgomery make inappropriate gestures with the extinguisher's hose and nozzle.
• $25 for Photoshoping flames on Montgomery's chest, defeating the purpose of him being a fireman or whatever.
• $65 for Montgomery not strapping down his hair helmet.
• $1,000 for subjecting us to a photo of Montgomery wearing a sleeveless, snap-down vest with no shirt underneath. Creepy.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp.

Jeff Montgomery, 1998 Topps Opening Day

Bill Bradley, 1974 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 143)

Name: Bill Bradley
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Safety
Value of card: $14.95 coupon for shower drain unclogging
Key 1973 stat: 26 disco infernos
Introducing ... The Soaring Mushroom®: Few men are authors, style mavens and all-pro football players, but Bill Bradley was such a man. Bradley was not the author of books, but of vicious hits and a signature hairstyle. Of course, no one can forget The GreatScott®,  The Greasy Earmuffs® or The SaberMullet®, three all-time classics. But Bradley broke the mold by growing a hairdo that looked like it was formed in a mold, and his contribution to the world of high hair fashion lives on till this day. The Soaring Mushroom®'s utility lies in its curls; they cradle the head and act as protection from injury. Bradley understood this better than anyone, having never worn a helmet during his football career. Besides its functional benefits, the Soaring Mushroom® is glamorous. It whisks its wearer away to a fantasyland of slight breezes, shirtless gladiators and contemptuous fungi. It elicits long-hidden emotions that encourage a man to grow a bushy mustache to more resemble a schnauzer. It helps Eagles — especially safetys — soar. And it doesn't at all make a 1970s tough guy look like a 1990s unfunny comedian.

Bill Bradley, 1974 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 143)

Pat Sheridan, 1987 Topps

Name: Pat Sheridan
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 14 drops of tiger blood piss
Key 1986 stat: Four sides of faux woodgrain in one of Topps' greatest sets ever
Conversation between Pat Sheridan and a young fan, Sept. 18, 1986:
Young fan: "Hey, mister. Can you sign my program?"
Pat Sheridan: "Sure, kid. Let me see that."
YF: "Thanks, mister!"
PS: "Wait a cotton-picking second here. This isn't a program."
YF: "Just sign it. Just sign it."
PS: "This is a Detroit-area Auto Trader from 1984. I'm not signing this."
YF: "Please, please, mister. It'll be a collector's item. Sign it next to that Pinto."
PS: "Pinto? Why a Ford Pinto?"
YF: "Well, mister, I believe, decades from today, that a subculture of young people who are transfixed with irony and 1980s cliches will rise up from the middle 50 percent of the nation's small, private liberal arts colleges and spend, spend, spend on baseball-slash-automotive kitsch that smartly matches a clunker of a car with, well ... you understand, right?"
PS: "I'm going to go ahead and make this out to Dirtbreath."

Pat Sheridan, 1987 Topps

Mary Lou Retton, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 10)

Name: Mary Lou Retton
Event: Gymnastics
Medal count: 1 gold, 2 silver, 2 bronze
Value of card: Its value is not recognized in the Eastern Bloc nations. Or anywhere, really.
Key 1984 stat: Upper legs the size of Greek columns
Little Miss Perfect: Mary Lou Retton was America's sweetheart in 1984 after becoming the first woman from the U.S. to win the Olympic gymnastics all-around title. Of course, everyone has secrets. Here are a handful of things that might make you change your opinion about this "innocent" creature:

• In 1983, she found $5 on the ground and didn't turn it in to lost and found
• In middle school, she wrote in some of her textbooks. In ink!
• She has four children, which means she definitely did you-know-what with a boy several times.
• She probably had to kiss a communist or two on the cheek during her career.
• In 1993, she was in an episode of "Baywatch," aka "Smutwatch."
• Well, just look at that outfit!

Mary Lou Retton, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 10)