Wally Chambers, 1974 Topps (Football Friday No. 219)

Name: Wally Chambers
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: A pound of bear poo
Key 1974 stat: One mean glare
Hairstyle trademark infringement: 1974 was a tough year for Wally Chambers. Expectations were high after Chambers was named the Defensive Rookie of the Year in 1973, and while Chambers' on-field performance was fine, his extracurricular issues proved a distraction. Chambers attempted to trademark his hairstyle, a hard-part afro that he called the Wally Wall®. Bills wide receiver J.D. Hill quickly filed a lawsuit, claiming the Wally Wall® was just a ripoff of the Hill of Hair® parted on the other side. The two parters parties settled out of court for an undisclosed amount.

Wally Chambers, 1974 Topps (Football Friday No. 219)

Brian Wilson, 2011 Topps Heritage

Name: Brian Wilson
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Closer
Value of card: Price of a piece of taffy in 1962 (1 cent)
Key 2010 stat: 15 minutes of fame
Introducing ... the Backward Beard®: Many trademarked hairstyles have debuted on The Bust, but this is the first from the 2000s. In the esteemed tradition of The Hill of Hair®, The Greasy Earmuffs®, The SaberMullet®, The GreatScott®, The Soaring Mushroom® and The Ray-May May-Day®, Brian Wilson, always looking for a place in the spotlight, debuts his 'do. His inspiration? The beard he would later grow that would catapult him to fame from San Francisco to Hollywood and onto the national stage. Wilson managed to grow a beard not on his face, but atop his head, cascading upward instead of falling downward, and looking every bit the tangled mess of the beard that Wilson would later unleash on the world. Now that's how you 'do it.

Brian Wilson, 2011 Topps Heritage

J.D. Hill, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 166)

Name: J. (big space) D. Hill
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: A hill of counterfeit cash
Key 1971 stat: 4,319 people copying his hairstyle
Introducing ... The Hill of Hair®: Gaze upon it, dear readers. You're witnessing the birth of a style, a hairstyle that is. In the esteemed tradition of The Greasy Earmuffs®, The SaberMullet®, The GreatScott®, The Soaring Mushroom® and The Ray-May May-Day®, J.D. Hill showcases The Hill of Hair®, a classic combination of afro, full beard and — the exclamation point — a part. While others used hair picks to even out their 'fros as roundly as possible, Hill made two separate hills in his hairdo, parting it in a way that at once made him an inspiration for blaxploitation movies and acceptable for a church outing. He tossed aside the conventions of the day to forge his own path, a path of pure style. For studs like this, sometimes you just look the part.

J.D. Hill, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 166)

Larry Giroux, 1975-76 O-Pee-Chee (Stanley Cup Week No. 6)

Name: Larry Giroux
Team: Detroit Red Wings
Position: Defense
Value of card: A tire with a goose's wing bolted to it
Key 1974-75 stat: Thought showering was overrated
Introducing ... The Afroux®: Back in the day, before the NHL got soft and started worrying about things like concussions and severe cranial bleeding, hockey players didn't have to wear helmets and were free to express their sense of style, at least from the neck up. So it was that talented Red Wings defenesman Larry Giroux unleashed upon the world The Afroux®, a trademarked hairstyle designed to keep his head warm on the ice, and his image cool off it. The thick, sweat-filled interior of the coif also served to soften blows to the skull, be they from hockey pucks, opponents' sticks or the fists of a rival at the local watering hole. The 2-inch-wide sideburns helped to direct sound to the ear, warning the wearer of The Afroux® of approaching danger since his peripheral vision was compromised by the 'do's bushiness. And the optional handlebar mustache-unibrow combo helped keep perspiration out of the eyes and mouth. Unfortunately for Giroux, his trademark was revoked after it was discovered that his creation was just a ripoff of the Ray-May May-Day® held up with the help of some poutine gravy.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Larry Giroux, 1975-76 O-Pee-Chee (Stanley Cup Week No. 6)

Ray May, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 155)

Name: Ray May
Team: Baltimore Colts
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: It looks a lot like the second letter in "Colts"
Key 1971 stat: 13 collared shirts turned into game jerseys
Introducing ... The Ray-May May-Day®: Style, not everyone has it. But from some men, it emanates. One of those men is Ray May, whose rhyming name is only the 12th most awesome thing about him. May took inspiration from other fashion mavens, whose hairdos included The Soaring Mushroom®, The Great Scott® and The SaberMullet®. But May struck out on his own, eschewing the day's trends for his own creation, The Ray-May May-Day®, an afro of perfect roundness juxtaposed by sideburns so sharp they've cut the hands of a thousand ladies who've tried to run their fingers through their conception of heaven. So hats off to Ray May, because the Ray-May May-Day® would never have a hat over it.

Ray May, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 155)

Bill Bradley, 1974 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 143)

Name: Bill Bradley
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Safety
Value of card: $14.95 coupon for shower drain unclogging
Key 1973 stat: 26 disco infernos
Introducing ... The Soaring Mushroom®: Few men are authors, style mavens and all-pro football players, but Bill Bradley was such a man. Bradley was not the author of books, but of vicious hits and a signature hairstyle. Of course, no one can forget The GreatScott®,  The Greasy Earmuffs® or The SaberMullet®, three all-time classics. But Bradley broke the mold by growing a hairdo that looked like it was formed in a mold, and his contribution to the world of high hair fashion lives on till this day. The Soaring Mushroom®'s utility lies in its curls; they cradle the head and act as protection from injury. Bradley understood this better than anyone, having never worn a helmet during his football career. Besides its functional benefits, the Soaring Mushroom® is glamorous. It whisks its wearer away to a fantasyland of slight breezes, shirtless gladiators and contemptuous fungi. It elicits long-hidden emotions that encourage a man to grow a bushy mustache to more resemble a schnauzer. It helps Eagles — especially safetys — soar. And it doesn't at all make a 1970s tough guy look like a 1990s unfunny comedian.

Bill Bradley, 1974 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 143)

Tony Scott, 1982 Donruss

 
Name: Tony Scott
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One afro's worth of jheri juice, squeezed into a rusty coffee can, left in the sun for a day
Key 1981 stat: One hairstyle trademark
Introducing ... The GreatScott®: Only the brightest fashion stars in the baseball universe can lay claim to coining their own signature hairstyle. Of course, no one can forget The Greasy Earmuffs® or The SaberMullet®, two all-time classics, but few have moved from the head to the handlebars, and no one did it better than the man they called Tony Scott, who, well, really didn't look like a "Tony Scott." This mediocre early-1980s Astros outfielder brought the world The GreatScott®, in all its shining, dripping glory. Scott took a hairstyle and facial hair and made them one. He married afro with mustache, and then introduced lambchops to the relationship, creating a menage a trois of hair that had no heir apparent. Women wanted him; Southern Civil War generals wanted to be him. His resemblance to a certain mouse could have gotten him free rides at Disneyland but, because of The GreatScott®, he could get into The Blue Oyster Bar and dance the night away. The GreatScott®, you'd have to be some kind of an Astro to walk around with this thing.

Tony Scott, 1982 Donruss

Bret Saberhagen, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 24)

Name: Bret Saberhagen
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Ace (comb)
Value of card: That half of a burrito you threw in the trash three weeks ago
Key 1990 stat: One haircut trademark
Introducing ... The SaberMullet®: It's not every day that someone comes up with a new hairstyle. Of course, there's The Greasy Earmuffs, The Oil Slick and The Sasquatch Helmet. But it doesn't happen often. Today, then, is a special day, as Bret Saberhagen unveils the SaberMullet®, the latest in coiffure style. No one before has mixed the mullet with the barbershop classic The Little Boy's. Add in a healthy dose of jheri curl grease and a receding hairline, and you have a style thousands will copy but no one will replicate. The SaberMullet®, tomorrow's embarrassment today.

Bret Saberhagen, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 24)

Oscar Gamble, 1976 Topps Traded

Name: Oscar Gamble

Team: New York Yankees

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Priceless

Key 1975 stat: Innumerable imitators

Hair today, hair tomorrow: Oscar Gamble is a legend. He's known as The Big O, The Gamble and The Afro Wonder. He hit for power and for average, but was best known for his 'fro. He inspired imitators on the field and in dorm rooms across the nation. He changed pop culture and inspired trends among the most surprising of followers. Kids across the world copied his style. Weather patterns changed to adhere to the trend he began. The fashion world has never been the same. Plain and simple, The Big O is the pre-eminent afro-American.

Oscar Gamble, 1976 Topps Traded