Jim Palmer, 1973 Topps Boyhood Photos of the Stars

Names: Jimmy Palmer, Jim Palmer
Teams: Harrison Public School Aquanauts, Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Boy, ace
Value of card: One inner tube with a hole in it
Key 1972 stat: Two balks
Fun facts about Jimmy Palmer, circa 1954, and Jim Palmer, circa 1972:

• In 1954, Jimmy had a well-maintained, respectable haircut. In 1972, Jim had more hair than a chow chow on Rogaine.
•  In 1954, Jimmy liked to go for a swim down at the local watering hole. In 1972, Jim liked to go for a drink down at the local watering hole.
• In 1954, Jimmy wore a rubber inner tube for safety. In 1972, Jim usually didn't bother wearing rubbers for safety.
• In 1954, Jimmy occasionally posed shirtless for photos. A little after 1972, Jim started wearing even less.

Card submitted by Tyler Kepner

Jim Palmer, 1973 Topps Boyhood Photos of the Stars

Al Davis, 1992 Pro Line Throwbacks (Football Friday No. 225)

Name: Al Davis
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Owner
Value of card: One black hole
Key 1992 stat: Just won seven games, baby
Good ol' Al: Al Davis was definitely proud of his three Super Bowl victories. Here are a few other things he was proud of.

• His all-white wardrobe
• Sunglasses with chains on them
• His chicken-skin
• JaMarcus
• A commitment to excellence*

*Expired in 2002

Al Davis, 1992 Pro Line Throwbacks (Football Friday No. 225)

Deion Sanders, 1993 Skybox Premium (Football Friday No. 223)

Name: Deion Sanders
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: It's slightly exaggerated
Key 1993 stat: Crapped bigger than a city bus
Ways in which Deionzilla destroyed Atlanta:

• Caused a massive dust storm by running so fast
• Crushed 14 skyscrapers by high-stepping
• Flooded entire city blocks with his hair product
• Started four-alarm fires by reflecting the sun's rays off his necklaces
• Drove thousands to insanity with his incessant talk (OK, regular Deion did that, too.)

Deion Sanders, 1993 Skybox Premium (Football Friday No. 223)

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 66)

Name: Thurman Thomas
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Running back
Value of card: See those red, down-pointing arrows? Yeah, a few of those.
Key 1992 stat: Nothing left to the imagination
Thurman Thomas' train of thought from 10:34 to 10:36 a.m., March 14, 1992: "Mmm, yeah, girl. I see you watching from up there in the stands. You like what you see, don't you? Hold on, let me fully extend this leg so you can see the muscle definition. Oooh, yeah. Can't take your eyes off me now. You must be jealous of this Lycra      it's clinging to me, which is just what you want to do, ain't it? What's that? You want me to move my arm so you can see my bulge? Welly, well, well. Don't mind if I      wait! Is that my mom?! Oh, gross, gross, gross!"

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 66)

Cal Ripken Jr. and Alex Rodriguez, 1996 Score Pitcher Perfect

Names: Cal Ripken Jr. and Alex Rodriguez (feat. Randy Johnson)
Teams: Baltimore Orioles and Seattle Mariners
Positions: Shortstops, future third basemen 
Value of card: General confusion
Key 1995 stat: Zero comic books owned, combined
An illustrative pop quiz: We already know that Cal Ripken's superhero alias is The Ripper. What would A-Rod's be?

(A) The Needler
(B) Mr. April
(C) The Slapper
(D) The Disappointment
(E) All of the above

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Cal Ripken Jr. and Alex Rodriguez, 1996 Score Pitcher Perfect

Roberto Alomar, 1994 Upper Deck SP Die Cuts

Name: Roberto Alomar
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Second base
Value of card: 1 cent a minute
Key 1993 stat: $321 in overage charges
Conversation between Roberto Alomar and brother Sandy Alomar Jr., circa 1993: "Hey, Sandy, it's me. Yeah, I'm supposed to be out on the field, but I wanted to talk to you about a wireless plan. AT&T is sponsoring me and I have a great deal for you. If you buy a $499.99 phone that only weighs 4 pounds, you get access to my friends-and-family plan. That's right, if you buy the phone that can double as a yacht anchor you only have to pay $11 a minute to talk to me and one other friend or family member. I'd suggest you add Dad. I bought him an older model cellular phone that has a rotary dial and weighs 8 pounds. So can I sign you up? OK, talk to your agent and try to get that bigger contract first before you sign up for this one. Toodles."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Roberto Alomar, 1994 Upper Deck SP Die Cuts

Mike Singletary, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 63)

Name: Mike Singletary
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: A single cent
Key 1992 stat: 40 pounds of neck muscle
It's time for The Caption, which absolutely did not run circa 1992 in the Chicago Tribune: "Bears linebacker Mike Singletary looks amused while modeling his new gameday helmet Saturday at Soldier Field. Things were much less amusing Sunday, however, when Singletary impaled two Vikings offensive linemen and quarterback Rich Gannon on his headgear before switching back to a regular helmet. All three Minnesota players are expected to survive."

Mike Singletary, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 63)

Andre Dawson, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Andre Dawson
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 blue lines, 2 red lines, and 1 teal line
Key 1987 stat: One super alter ego
Is Andre Dawson having a medical emergency? There's no discernible grimacing or lack of muscle control, so that's a good sign. His face isn't melting off, which has happened to more than one Diamond King victim. But that is one giant noggin. Could it be some sort of swelling? More likely, Diamond King Dawson suffers from gigantism. You know, the natural kind, not the Barry Bonds kind.

Andre Dawson, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

The Ripkens, 1989 Bowman

Names: Cal Ripken Jr., Cal Ripken Sr., Billy Ripken
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Shortstop, manager, second base
Value of card: 5 cents for Cal Jr., 1 cent for Cal Sr., minus 3 cents for Billy = 3 cents
Key 1988 stat: Zero family dinners free of arguments
It's time for a family-not-so-friendly edition of The Matchup, refereed by Cal Ripken Sr.:

Round 1: Fielding ("I got to go with my boy Cal Jr," Cal Sr. says.)
Round 2: Throwing ("Again, my son Cal has Billy beat here.")
Round 3: Hitting for average (Not even close; it's my son Cal.")
Round 4: Hitting for power (Not to pile on, Billy, but I have to go with your brother Cal.")
Round 5: Base running ("This might surprise you, but Billy can be an idiot on the base paths, so I have to go with Cal.")
Round 6: Bulge ("Just take a look at the picture: It's Cal all the way.")
Round 7: Baseball card history ("No one has a better card than my boy Billy. Love ya son!")

Score: Cal Jr. 6, Billy 1

Synopsis: No one knows Cal Sr.'s boys better than Dad, and it shows in this runaway win for the Hall of Famer, save for the greatest error card of all time.

The Ripkens, 1989 Bowman

John Elway, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 60)

Name: John Elway
Team: Denver Broncos
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One free spin class
Key 1992 stat: Two creamy thighs
Here's what John Elway stands for:

Join a gym already, buddy
Oh, and maybe get a tan, too?
How many plants do you have in that "exercise room" anyway?
Nowadays, they grow different vegetation in Colorado, amirite?

Exercise cycle from the '90s or arcade version of "Excite Bike"?
Little blue tiles are easier to look at than those little blue shorts
Wearing a shirt with your name on it is the move of a champion
Always a fan of the mini-mullet
Yes, Elway still rides that same bike to this very day

John Elway, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 60)

Roberto Alomar, Sandy Alomar Sr., Sandy Alomar Jr., 1989 Bowman

Names: Roberto Alomar, Sandy Alomar Sr., Sandy Alomar Jr.
Team: San Diego Padres
Positions: Second base, coach, catcher
Value of card: Two ants crawling on an old tube-style TV that was left by the side of the road
Key 1988 stat: Lots of brown clothes
"TV Guide" summary of a 1989 episode of the lowly regarded show "All Those Alomars": "Robby and Sandy Sr. pressure Junior to grow a mustache so he can be like them. Junior refuses and proceeds to shave his whole body in defiance. Robby and his dad argue over who plays second base better, and hijinks ensue. Junior squats a lot. The Griffeys make a guest appearance."

Roberto Alomar, Sandy Alomar Sr., Sandy Alomar Jr., 1989 Bowman

Mike Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 59)

Name: Mike Ditka
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Coach
Value of card: $1 off the blue-plate special
Key 1992 stat: 14 pounds of sauerkraut consumed
It's time to steady your stomachs for another Bust recipe: Ditka's is an actual chain of restaurants owned by the actual Mike Ditka. It's got a pretty good reputation, but thankfully no longer serves the Big Tuna Salad Sandwich, pictured above and named after fellow coaching legend Bill Parcells. Here's how you, too, can try that dish:

2 cans of tuna in oil
2 cans of tuna in water
1 tuna steak
1 spicy tuna roll
1 pair of Bill Parcells' dirty boxers
1 picture of Al Toon
4 pounds of mayonnaise
2 slices of white toast
4 ounces of grass from your yard

Make a salad from the grass     don't worry; if you want this dish, odds are you don't eat salad anyway. Then mix all the other ingredients in a large bowl. Pour the mixture into a large skillet, then throw away the bowl. Cook over low heat for 3 hours or until the mayonnaise becomes pungent. Serve on toast, incinerate the excess and throw away the skillet. Enjoy!

Mike Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 59)

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers (Yeah, we get it.)
Position: Ace
Value of card: 11 cow patties
Key 1990 stat: 12 bucking broncos hogtied (or something)
It's time for a pop quiz deep in the heart of Texas:

What exactly is the "Texas Cowboy Life"?

(A) It's like the "Dallas Cowboy Life," only more successful and less comical.
(B) You hang out on a ranch and every so often punch a rookie in the head a half-dozen times.
(C) You pose for a ridiculous set of baseball cards for a company trying to stave off bankruptcy.
(D) Two words: assless chaps.
(E) All of the above.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Patrick Ewing, 1997 Sports Illustrated for Kids (Halloween Special 2014)

Name: Patrick Ewing
Team: New York Ticks
Positions: Center, monster
Value of card: One bolt in the neck
Key 1997-98 splat: 26 games played
Happy Halloween from the Bust. Here are a few things that Patrick Ewing and the Knicks have in common with Frankenstein:

• Frankenstein's monster shuffled around slowly when walking. Sounds like Patrick Ewing in the late '90s to us.
• Frankenstein's monster was sewn together using parts from stolen from corpses. We're pretty sure Ewing's knees have a similar story.
• "Young Frankenstein" is pretty funny, but not as funny as New York Knicks basketball.
• "Frankenstein" is a horror story, but if you want to scare a Knicks fan, just tell them Isaiah Thomas is taking over as GM again.

Patrick Ewing, 1997 Sports Illustrated for Kids (Halloween Special 2014)

Phil Niekro, 1979 Topps

Name: Phil Niekro
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 pounds of wilted lettuce
Key 1978 stat: 1 big-league brother
Here's how Phil Niekro introduced himself in 1979:

• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I'm your garbageman."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I frighten children when I look at them."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I founded Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and you'll see me in your nightmares."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and all that hair is actually coming from my ears."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I like to knuckle things."

Phil Niekro, 1979 Topps

Reggie Jackson, 1973 Topps

Name: Reggie Jackson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's clear it's worth nothing
Key 1972 stat: 2,216 photos of Jackson in 1972 better than this one
It's time for The Caption, which we know didn't run in the Oakland Tribune in the early 1970s: "Reggie Jackson, center, might be throwing a ball from the outfield at the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum in a game against the Chicago White Sox, but because the photo is so blurry we're not even sure this was against the White Sox, or even that it was taken during a baseball game, or, for that matter, whether it's really Jackson, on Tuesday in Oakland, maybe."

Reggie Jackson, 1973 Topps

Anthony Munoz, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 54)

Name: Anthony Munoz
Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Position: Offensive tackle
Value of card: See that elastic waistline twist tie? Yeah, that.
Key 1990 stat: 416 pancakes (not blocks; the breakfast food)
Transcript from Cincinnati-area TV commercial for NFL-brand Zubaz: "Howdy, Bengals fans. I'm Anthony Munoz and I'm here to tell you about NFL-brand Zubaz. If you're like me, you've always wanted to wear an understated pair of pants that look good without being outrageous. Well, your search is over, because NFL-brand Zubaz is being sold at a store near you. These are pants that put substance over style. They aren't meant to scare your elderly relatives or blind the children in your neighborhood. Oh no. They're made to match with just about any clothing combination you have in your closet. Need trousers for a formal occasion? Grab a pair of NFL-brand Zubaz. Need something plain to go with a trendy striped shirt at the club? Grab a pair of NFL-brand Zubaz. Need pants that absolutely, positively don't have giant tiger heads on them? Get your hands on a pair of NFL-brand Zubaz. With NFL-brand Zubaz, you'll earn your stripes without ever selling out to a ridiculous fad."

Anthony Munoz, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 54)

Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Names: Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson
Teams: St. Louis Cardinals and Oakland A's
Positions: Outfield
Value of card: Two soiled clip-on bow ties and matching pocket squares
Key 1991 stat: One fake fight

Brock and Henderson, by the numbers:

938: Career stolen bases by Lou Brock, a record until May 1, 1991
939: New stolen-base mark, set by Rickey Henderson on May 1, 1991
940: Times Rickey referred to himself in the third person on May 1, 1991

335: Times Rickey Henderson was caught stealing, an MLB record
307: Times Lou Brock was caught stealing, second all-time
302: Times Rickey was caught checking himself out in the mirror before this photo shoot

2: Rented tuxedos in the above photo
2: Bow ties and pocket squares from a high school drama department in the above photo
1: Record-setting thief who would "forget" to return his outfit after the shoot. Hey, Rickey be Rickey.

Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Rickey Jackson, 1989 Topps (Football Friday No. 212)

Name: Rickey Jackson
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One paper bag, worn over the head
Key 1989 stat: 74 tackles (of his barber)
Here's a Caption that likely didn't run in the New Orleans Times-Picayune circa 1989: "Saints linebacker Rickey Jackson shows off his new haircut during Sunday's game in Chicago, claiming its design gives him an aerodynamic advantage on the field. However, when asked how that advantage worked once his helmet was on, Jackson stuttered and then broke down in tears, admitting to losing a bet over how many pimento loaf sandwiches he could eat in one sitting after coming up three short of the wagered mark of 60."

Rickey Jackson, 1989 Topps (Football Friday No. 212)

Junior Seau, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 50)

Name: Junior Seau
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One drawstring
Key 1991 stat: Turtlenecks, turtlenecks everywhere!
Put this pop quiz in lights: What does it say on the scoreboard behind Junior Seau?

(A) PLEASE DON'T SIT ON THE CROSSBAR
(B) TEACH US HOW TO SHINE IN ZUBAZ
(C) LEAGUE LEADER IN TROUSER-RELATED BLINDNESS
(D) PREACH THAT MUSTACHE, HELL YEAH!
(E) NONE OF      er, none of the above

Junior Seau, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 50)