Patrick Ewing, 1997 Sports Illustrated for Kids (Halloween Special 2014)

Name: Patrick Ewing
Team: New York Ticks
Positions: Center, monster
Value of card: One bolt in the neck
Key 1997-98 splat: 26 games played
Happy Halloween from the Bust. Here are a few things that Patrick Ewing and the Knicks have in common with Frankenstein:

• Frankenstein's monster shuffled around slowly when walking. Sounds like Patrick Ewing in the late '90s to us.
• Frankenstein's monster was sewn together using parts from stolen from corpses. We're pretty sure Ewing's knees have a similar story.
• "Young Frankenstein" is pretty funny, but not as funny as New York Knicks basketball.
• "Frankenstein" is a horror story, but if you want to scare a Knicks fan, just tell them Isaiah Thomas is taking over as GM again.

Patrick Ewing, 1997 Sports Illustrated for Kids (Halloween Special 2014)

Randall Cunningham, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 7)

Name: Randall Cunningham, aka "Rocket Man"
Team: Fear-adelphia Eagles
Positions: Quarterback, shooting high through the air
Value of card: 11 dead birds (rotting ones)
Key 1993 splat: Zero completions with a metal football
Fun facts about Elton "Rocket Man" John and Randall "Rocket Man" Cunningham:

• "Rocket Man" Elton was a performer who wore flamboyant clothes made especially for him. "Rocket Man" Randall was a performer who wore flamboyant clothes made exclusively from trash.
• "Rocket Man" Elton has more than 40 top-10 hits. "Rocket Man" Randall has sustained more than his share of hits.
• "Rocket Man" Elton is known for songs including "Candle in the Wind" and "Bennie and the Jets." "Rocket Man" Randall is known for breaking wind and beating the Jets.
• "Rocket Man" Elton is an award-winning singer, songwriter, pianist and composer with English roots. "Rocket Man" Randall speaks English.
• "Rocket Man" Elton's ostentatious outfits included wide-brimmed hats and high-heeled shoes. "Rocket Man" Randall's above outfit includes a garbage-can hat and one shoe that doubled as an iron lung.

Randall Cunningham, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 7)

Cornelius Bennett, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 6)

Name: Cornelius Bennett, aka "Big Bear"
Team: Boo-falo Bills
Positions: Linebacker, catching salmon in a river
Value of card: 62 pounds of fish guts
Key 1993 splat: 10 6-inch fingernails
Questionable content: Let's get this straight. Here we have Cornelius Bennett, famed Buffalo Bills linebacker, masquerading as "Big Bear." Let's repeat that: A Buffalo player is dressed like a bear. Wouldn't it make a little bit more sense to have a Chicago Bears player dressed as "Big Bear"? What's next, Mike Singletary dresses up as "Blitzing Buffalo"? But, given the quality of this get-up, it really doesn't matter. Bennett looks more like a buffalo than a bear, anyway. That dangling hair. Those long, pointy nails. That beard. Oh, wait, Bennett doesn't look like a buffalo or a bear, he looks like a hairy guy named Bill who has eaten too many bear claws. Solid execution, Coca-Cola. Your lack of attention to detail is, once again, frightening.

Cornelius Bennett, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 6)

Marco Coleman, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 5)

Name: Marco Coleman, aka "Cobra"
Team: Miami Dol-skins
Positions: Defensive end, slithering on his stomach
Value of card: Two snake hands, despite, of course, snakes not having hands
Key 1993 splat: 2,819 scales (he weighs himself a lot)
"Cobra" Coleman describes fellow members of Cobra Command:

Cobra Commander: "Fun guy. Great on the barbecue. Once made this stuffed pork loin. Delish. I did prefer the helmet to the hood. And around the ladies, the guy was a bit of a snake."

Destro: "This guy, he has a steely resolve. His meddle: unquestionable. He has an iron will. A platinum-level human being, no doubt. And his head looks like an aluminum beer can."

Baroness: "Ooh, baby. Let me tell you something, son. This chica is on fire. She has body karate — and real karate. Word on the street is she and Destro got something going on. Well they didn't last night, playa."

Doctor Mindbender: "Egghead. Dork. Nerd. Dweeb. Geek. Goober."

Storm Shadow: "He may be a ninja, but that hooded uniform he started wearing veered a bit too close to a certain triple-letter group, if you know what I mean."

Marco Coleman, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 5)

John Randle, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 4)

Name: John Randle, aka "Runaway Train"
Team: Minnesota Spikings
Positions: Defensive line, locomotive
Value of card: A lump of coal in the caboose
Key 1994 splat: Went around making "choo-choo" noises even when not wearing the costume
The first two verses of Soul Asylum's "Runaway Train," tailored in honor of this absurd card and the great John Randle:

Call me up in the middle of the night / Want me to wear a helmet with a light
I got there with my anger burning / There's some fools who could use a little learning

So much makeup that I couldn't even see / What the hell are they putting on me?
Iron pads with rivets in the seams / A metal boot that's shooting out some steam

It seems no one can help me now / Can't turn my head / There's no way out
I really want to punch someone in the face

Runaway Train, gonna make a sack / Gonna break this makeup artist's back
Seems like I should be better than this / Instead my hat is spewing out some mist

Now this guy is telling me to smile / He's telling me I should relax for a while
He can't hear me through this facemask / I'm telling him I'm gonna kick his ass

Oh no! Tin gloves that are yellow! / I know my temper's gonna blow
Here I come just to dole out some pain / How dare you laugh at this Runaway Train

Metal shavings in my eye / I hate this day / I want to die
Gears glued on my head? I just can't believe it

Runaway Train, gonna make a sack / Gonna break this photographer's back
Seems like I should be better than this / Instead my hat is spewing out some mist

John Randle, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 4)

Hardy Nickerson, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 3)

Name: Hardy Nickerson, aka "Hyena"
Team: Tampa Slay Buccaneers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Fleas
Key 1994 splat: Watched "The Lion King" 32 times in preparation for this shoot
Fun facts about Hardy "Hyena" Nickerson and real hyenas:

• Hyenas are primarily nocturnal animals, but may leave their lairs in the early morning. Nickerson was also primarily nocturnal, though he rarely left his "lair," also known as his parents' basement.
• Hyenas have a reputation for scavenging food that has been killed by other animals. Nickerson had a reputation for stealing his teammates' lunches from the fridge.
• Some hyena traits are similar to those of dogs, while others are more cat-like. Nickerson definitely looks more like a puss in this photo.
• Hyenas groom themselves often and have a cat-like way of licking their genitals. Nickerson rarely groomed himself, but did try repeatedly to accomplish the other thing.
• Hyenas are known for their calls that sound like human laughter. Nickerson heard plenty of laughter from many humans after this card came out.

Hardy Nickerson, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 3)

Junior Seau, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 2)

Name: Junior Seau, aka "Stealth"
Team: San Diego Charred-gers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One picture of a stealth bomber, torn in two
Key 1994 splat: 19-pound belt buckle
Ways in which Junior "Stealth" Seau was not very stealthy:

• All that metal plate clanged a lot when he moved.
• That blue face paint may have been stealthy, but his biceps weren't camouflaged at all!
• Those shiny gold arm guards could be seen from miles away.
• His number was clearly visible. It's like he wasn't even trying!
• That pointy helmet would likely just end up poking somebody as he walked by.
• He was too proud of his flatulence to ever really enter stealth mode.

Junior Seau, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 2)

Ray Childress, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 1)

Name: Ray Childress, aka "Scarecrow"
Team: Boo-ston Oilers
Positions: Defensive line, out standing in his field
Value of card: Burned straw
Key 1994 splat: First time holding a pitchfork
Don't be scared: Welcome back, fright fans, to the greatest Bust tradition      no, not running the same old jokes into the ground, that's just our oldest tradition. Our greatest tradition is our annual Halloween Week, in which we feature seven of the spookiest sports cards ever printed and then run the same old jokes into the ground. Fair warning, though: This week will feature the last of the 1994 Monsters of the Gridiron cards, meaning Halloween Week may soon be in its grave. Now that's a scary thought.

Ray Childress's train of thought (if he only had a brain) from 4:10 to 4:12 p.m., June 4, 1994: "God, this is dumb. I mean, sure, the mask nearly made me soil myself the first time I saw it, but the rest of this outfit is terrible! Why are there birds on me? I thought scarecrows were supposed to keep birds away from the crops! Ugh, great, now this straw is starting to itch. Maybe if I use this fake pitchfork to scratch myself      NOPE! THAT'S A REAL PITCHFORK! OWWW! Lord, I need a cigarette." (Pulls out cigarette and lights a match) "Aaannnd I'm on fire. What did you do, Ray? OK, stop, drop and roll, baby, stop, drop and roll. There, it's out, thank God. The only thing dumber than lighting that match was agreeing to this stupid photo shoot in the first place."

Ray Childress, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 1)

Steve Atwater, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 7)

Name: Steve "The Bandit" Atwater
Team: Denver Bron-crones
Position: Defensive back
Fright value of card: Two finger guns, neither pointed at you
Key 1994 splat: More blue fringe than has ever been necessary
Closing another week of terror: Here we are, four days after Halloween, which means the kids have all gotten over their stomach aches and the costumes have all been pushed to the back of the closet, never to be worn again. Let's celebrate with one more horrific example of mid-1990s sports cards, shall we?

What segment of the population is most frightened by this card?

A) Children
B) Actual cowboys
C) Broncos fans
D) Steve Atwater's family
E) The editors of InStyle magazine

Steve Atwater, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 7)

Bruce Armstrong, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 6)

Name: Bruce Armstrong, aka "The Piledriver"
Team: Boo Eekland Patriots
Position: Offensive tackle
Fright value of card: A mixed metaphor
Key 1994 splat: One copyright infringement lawsuit from the creators of "Edward Scissorhands"
Top 10 questions we're left with after viewing this abomination:

10) If he's The Piledriver, why does he have clamps for hands?
9) Isn't the Piledriver a move invented and used by Ron Jeremy?
8) If his abdomen is animatronic and exposed, why is his crotch so massive?
7) Why isn't the exposed part of his left leg also covered with toxic silver paint?
6) Are those lights on his head, or plastic cups left over from beer pong?
5) Why is he making a face like he has to poop?
4) Wouldn't it be hard for him to move while wearing boots made of lead?
3) Are the cardmakers implying that Bruce Armstrong commits a lot of holding penalties?
2) Is it pronounced "pile-driver" or "piled river"?
1) Why did grown men agree to pose for this set?

Bruce Armstrong, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 6)

Emmitt Smith, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 5)

Name: Emmitt Smith, aka "Lone Star Sheriff"
Team: Callous Cowboys
Position: Running back
Fright value of card: Tetanus
Key 1994 splat: Wore sheet metal
Emmitt Smith's train of thought from 4:02 to 4:04 p.m., Feb. 23, 1994: "Well, looks like I'll be firing my agent. I mean, what the hell am I wearing right now? I'm holding a football that looks like a gigantic drill bit, they put makeup on me for no discernible reason, and my shoulder pads used to be part of a storage shed. Plus, they gave me a 10-gallon hat that spent most of its life as a 10-gallon pail. And since when is a sheriff a monster? Well, OK, Michael Irvin might think so, but I find that offensive! That's it, I'm protesting this shoot by making the saddest face I can."

Emmitt Smith, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 5)

Marshall Faulk, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 4)

Name: Marshall Faulk, aka "The Missile"
Team: Indianapolis Volts
Position: Running back
Fright value of card: Two wet fuses
Key 1994 splat: Not as fast when wearing 200 pounds of metal
Reactions from other NFL players and coaches upon seeing this card:

• Colts QB Jim Harbaugh: "Who's got it better than him? Everybody!"
• Chiefs LB Derrick Thomas: "How come the rookie got to wear a cool outfit?"
• 49ers WR Jerry Rice: "Indianapolis still has a football team?"
• Former Falcons coach Jerry Glanville: "Nice belt buckle!"
• Vikings kick returner Qadry Ismail: "That S.O.B. stole my nickname! And my cape!"

Marshall Faulk, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 4)

Matt Bullard, 1997-98 Upper Deck (Halloween Week 2012 No. 3)

Name: Matt Bullard, feat. Mario Elie, Eddie Johnson and Clyde Drexler
Team: Ghoul-ston Rockets
Position: Forward
Fright value of card: Two open Pixy Stix
Key 1997-98 splat: Ate 70 percent of his kids' Halloween candy
Trick or, well, not treat: We don't have the words for how nonsensical this card is. Not only did Upper Deck decorate the set in a Halloween motif, they figured they should bring in three other players just for this photo. They even included an ear of dried corn on the floor. However, us investigative types at the Bust discovered that this was not the most absurd setting proposed by the folks at UD for this shoot. Here are a few of the ideas Matt Bullard turned down:

• Bullard and Rockets coach Rudy Tomjanovich drinking milkshakes in the team whirlpool
• Bullard and teammate Othella Harrington playing a game of Othello while dressed in costumes from the Shakespeare play "Othello"
• Bullard and teammate Hakeem Olajuwon shirtless, riding horses bareback on a beach in Mexico
• Bullard and teammate Charles Barkley eating all the candy in that bag. (Note: This was actually Barkley's idea.)

Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp.

Matt Bullard, 1997-98 Upper Deck (Halloween Week 2012 No. 3)

Tom Rathman, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 2)

Name: Tom "Psycho" Rathman
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Fullback
Fright value of card: Zero cents, zero sense
Key 1993 splat: 32 seconds to change into costume and apply makeup
It's time for an oh-so-scary pop quiz:

What's the most frightening thing about this card?

(A) The utter lack of imagination that went into this costume.
(B) The helmet brain on what appears to be a zombie, which means "Psycho" would try to eat his own head.
(C) The flawed logic of B.
(D) The rainbow-themed scarf and wristbands. (Oh, you said "frightening"? We thought you said "fab-u-lous."
(E) Baby hand! Ahh!
(F) We'd say "all of the above" like usual, but it's E. Definitely E. Ahhhhhh!

Tom Rathman, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 2)

Jesse Tuggle, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 1)

Name: Jesse Tuggle, aka "Tarantula"
Team: Atlanta Fal-guns
Positions: Linebacker, giant spider
Fright value of card: Bug guts
Key 1994 splat: Eight legs, zero hands
It's another spook-tacular Halloween Week! Up until now, the Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron cards we've featured have ranged from nonsensical to emasculating. Some of them could even be called obscene. But never have they been scary. At first, we thought this was another bit of silliness to be mocked without fear. Then we looked at Jesse Tuggle's face. Whether that's a mask or makeup, it's enough to give us the willies. Of course, then we think about the word "Tuggle" and snicker to ourselves a little.

Jesse Tuggle, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 1)

Cortez Kennedy, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week No. 8)

Name: Cortez "Tez Rex" Kennedy
Team: Seattle Screamhawks
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: One dead skin, shed
Key 1994 splat: 10 hours a day basking in sun
Eight days a week? Hey, it's not our fault Halloween is on a Monday this year. So break out the slutty costumes and teeth-breaking candy. Let's do this one more time.
Tez Rex by the numbers:

28: Movies appeared in
1: Unfortunate adult movies appeared in
58: Quarterbacks flattened
1,058: Cities flattened
412: Pounds — without costume
2: Tongue-looking things on gloves
Infinite: Regret after seeing this card

Cortez Kennedy, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week No. 8)

Renaldo Turnbull, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 7)

Name: Renaldo Turnbull, aka "Raging"
Team: Boo Orleans Haints
Position: Linebacker
Fright value of card: Two pounds of bull...
Key 1994 splat: A cracked hoof
Fun facts about Renaldo Turnbull and an actual bull: 

• An actual bull will charge at the color red. Renaldo Turnbull also hates communists. 
• An actual bull has its own astrological symbol, Taurus. Renaldo Turnbull uses the "What's your sign?" line way too much.
• An actual bull is worshiped in some cultures. Renaldo Turnbull sure does think a lot of himself.
• An actual bull runs through the streets of Pamplona, Spain. Renaldo Turnbull once ran pantsless through the streets of New Orleans after one too many mint juleps.
• An actual bull tries to run over a guy in tights with a cape. Renaldo Turnbull tried to run over Tommy Maddox.
• An actual bull spends a lot of its time trying to impregnate heifers. Same for Renaldo Turnbull.

Renaldo Turnbull, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 7)

Chris Zorich, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 6)

Name: Chris "Zorro" Zorich
Team: Chicago Scares
Position: Defensive tackle
Fright value of card: A bunch of Zzzzzzzz's
Key 1993 splat: One pair of headphones worn as part of costume
Chris Zorich's dating profile, circa 1994:

Screen name: Zorro69
Age: Veintinueve
Height: Two swords tall
Weight: 112 kilos
Hair color: La rojo bandanna
Hairstyle: Swashbuckling
Ethnicity: Mexican, circa 1840
Religious views: Banderas
Want children? Of course, but only with you, mi amore
Marital status: It's a mystery
Best feature: Mask
Smoke? Yes, but only with a cigarette holder
Drink? The finest wines

Seeking: A gay blade
Location: 1840s colonial Mexico, now California
Her/his body type: Covered in material that can be shredded by a sword
Her/his ethnicity: I prefer the brown ones

About me: I am Zorro, a man on the prowl for a man to share my nights and my secret identity. Me, a dashing, black-clad outlaw whose sword is as swift as his silver-tongued wit. You, anybody with a couple of holes. But, no, don't get upset. You can join me on clandestine adventures, during which I will take up arms against tyrannical villains, and, let's hope, take down their pants with a few swipes of my sword. Like that idea? I can add a "Z" to the back of your trousers, mi amore. Join me, Zorro, on my next romantic adventure.

Chris Zorich, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 6)

Ken Harvey, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 5)

Name: Ken "Jackhammer" Harvey
Team: Washington Shredskins
Positions: Linebacker, construction worker
Fright value of card: Seven minutes of jackin' (uh, what?)
Key 1993 splat: Zero Halloween party invitations
Clearing up some rumors about Ken Harvey's costume: 

• Harvey didn't wear a costume dripping with sexual innuendo. He literally and figuratively beat you over the head with it.
• Harvey didn't carry around a giant tool at all times. He was a giant tool at all times.
• Harvey, the construction laborer, didn't work on the streets of D.C. His sister did.
• Harvey didn't thrust the tip of his massive tool into things. He was busy riding a weird-looking pogo stick.
• Harvey's choice to wear the costume wasn't a bright idea. That was a glowing penis, not a light bulb, atop his helmet.

Ken Harvey, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 5)

Eric Swann, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 4)

Name: Eric "The Red" Swann
Team: Arizona Bloody Cardinals
Position: Defensive tackle
Fright value of card: That bird crap on your windshield
Key 1993 splat: Zero women "knighted"
10 insults hurled at Swann after this card came out:
10) "Your mama likes to get goosed, too!"
9) "Yo, man. That bird is having its period down your neck!"
8) "That coat of arms is Member's Only!"
7) "In an outfit like that, not even your eggs get laid!"
6) "You're not even the real Eric the Red!"
5) "Oh lord, you should have the bird tweet how stupid you look!"
4)  "Red Swann? More like lame black Swann!"
3) "That chainmail beard should be returned to sender!"
2) "A chump of feathers flocks by himself!"
1) "I deem thee, valiant knight, Sir Douche of Bag!"

Eric Swann, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 4)