Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Fernando Valenzuela
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 pesos
Key 1988 stat: 2,197 instances of "Fernandomania" (in his own home)
"Fernandomania" spiced up L.A. in the mid-1980s; here are examples of "Fernandomania" in the late 1980s:

• A chicken-legged pitcher performed a one-man line dance on a baseball field.
• The one pair of blue cleats in Los Angeles sold out.
• Nearly eight people in the United States and Mexico started wearing headbands and old-man glasses.
• The Latino Elvis Impersonators gained a member — and two fans. 
• A man in a blue jacket and tight white pants was arrested for leering at women at Dodger Stadium.

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Upper Deck

Mitch Williams, 1992 Score Select

Name: Mitch Williams
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Closer
Value of card: All the holes in that mesh jersey, combined
Key 1991 stat: Needed to work on his forkball grip
Mitch Williams' train of thought from 12:11 to 12:13 p.m., March 2, 1992: "God, how long is this photo shoot going to take? I've been staring at this baseball for, like, 20 minutes. At this point, I'm more intimate with it than I was with the last girl who got this grip. ... Ugh, why did I go with my tightest headband? The top of my head is numb, and I think the my upper ears are starting to chafe. ... Ah well, at least my hair looks good. No, wait. At least my hair looks great! It's pitched forward farther than I was the last time Kruk and I split a case of Schlitz. ... Thank Christ, he finally got the shot. Ah crap, I can't move my fingers!"

Mitch Williams, 1992 Score Select

Joe Lavender, 1981 Topps (Football Friday No. 175)

Name: Joe Lavender
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: If we told you, you'd be blue
Key 1980 stat: 28 times taking the field dressed like this
We heard it through the lavender vine: Man, Joe Lavender was a cool dude. Check out those glasses. And that headband. And that beard. But what you might not know — despite the radical blue microphone on this card — is that Joe Lavender was the lead singer of an early 1980s funk-soul group, The Head Band. All the members wore sunglasses and football jerseys and, of course, headbands. They were, so to speak, a colorful group. Put your hands together for the members of The Head Band:

• Tony Turquoise
• Ron Burgundy
• Ferdinand Goldenrod
• Penny Peach
• Hugo Silver
• Black Jack
• George Washington Redskin

Joe Lavender, 1981 Topps (Football Friday No. 175)

Bill Walton, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 4)

Name: Bill Walton
Team: Portland Trail Blazers
Position: Center
Value of card: One red beard hair
Key 1975 stat: 365 headbands soiled
It's a mystery: What does ginger giant Bill Walton have in that bag?
A) None of your business, narc
B) Parts for a knee replacement
C) "Whoa, man. Don't ask what's in the bag. Ask what's out of the bag."
D) Patchouli and incense
E) Get a haircut, hippie!

Bill Walton, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 4)

John Stockton, 1993-94 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 7)

Name: John Stockton
Team: Utah Jazz
Position: Point guard
Value of card: Two dead AAA batteries
Key 1993-94 stat: Not actually that buff
Possible conversation between John Stockton and the basketball on the card above: 
John Stockton: "OK, basketball, prepare to begin dribbling."
Basketball: "John, I'm a basketball. This ham radio get-up isn't doing anything. It's just a voice in your head."
JS: "Shut up, basketball, or I'll destroy you with my conical, turquoise eye laser!"
BB: "You don't have an eye laser, John. Please stop making things up."
JS: "That's enough out of you! Just for that, I'm gonna dribble you extra hard."
BB: "Oof! Oof! Oh, wait, no, it doesn't actually hurt because, for some reason, you're dribbling me on grass in a national park."
JS: (Picks up ball, starts crying) "Why can't you be supportive of my imagination? I'm just trying to have a little fun! I suppose you like being held in Malone's sweaty palms better?"
BB: "Oh, thank god you stopped dribbling. You know that every time I hit the floor, I can see up your shorts, right?"

Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp

John Stockton, 1993-94 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 7)

Junior Seau, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 157)

Name: Junior Seau, aka "The Warrior"
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Angry linebacker
Value of card: A pile of robotic body parts
Key 1992 stat: Right leg not amputated at knee, despite what this card shows
Real nice, Upper Deck: So, among the many ridiculous premises of the Upper Deck Fanimation cards was the notion that these stars were battling some sort of evil droids in various sports. Riiight. The thing is, that sure looks like blood and gore      not oil and gears      on Seau's fist. And are those wires spilling out of that severed arm in the lower left, or are they tendons and skin? Great, Upper Deck, you've decided to give the kids nightmares about their favorite athletes literally ripping their opponents limb from limb, soaking in the carnage.
Oh, and another thing: Really, "The Warrior?" You already used that one for Dikembe Mutombo. Look, just because these guys' family histories extend beyond the borders of the U.S., doesn't mean it's OK to just nickname them all "The Warrior." One thing's for sure: No one would ever call whoever drew this atrocity "The Artist." Blech.

Junior Seau, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 157)

Plaxico Burress, 2008 Upper Deck Rookie Photo Shoot Flashback (Football Friday No. 141)

Name: Plaxico Burress
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Pigskin rash
Key rookie year stat: Felt comfortable wearing that headband at a photo shoot
Clearing up some rumors about this photo of Plaxico Burress:

• Plaxico Burress is not baked here. He is just squinting because his headband is too colorful.
• Burress did not sew himself a blanket of footballs. He's using them as a flak jacket so that he doesn't shoot himself.
• Burress did not consent to having this photo taken. It's just part of rookie hazing.
• Burress is not using a portable cooler as a backrest. Wait, yeah, actually, we think he is. That's weird.

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Plaxico Burress, 2008 Upper Deck Rookie Photo Shoot Flashback (Football Friday No. 141)

Ottis Anderson, 1991 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 118)

Name: Ottis Anderson
Team: New York Giants
Position: Running back
Value of card: 12 ounces of Meadowlands sludge
Key 1990 stat: Two giant feet
Clearing up some rumors about Ottis Anderson:

• Ottis Anderson didn't wear a headband that said, "Giants." He wore a headband that said, "Giant Head Behind Here."
• Ottis Anderson doesn't sport a bald head. He grows out his flowing, stark-white cotton locks. 
• Ottis Anderson doesn't wear a lot of pads. He sometimes forgets to change after starring in Michelin television commercials.
• Ottis Anderson doesn't have two massive feet. They're so big, he calls them yards.
• Ottis Anderson doesn't go by the nickname "O.J." He gave it up as part of a killer deal.

Ottis Anderson, 1991 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 118)

John Riggins, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 91)

Name: John Riggins
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Retired running back
Value of card: Shame
Key 1991 stat: One leather-banded wristwatch
We gotta know:


What's the most offensive thing about this card?

A) Well, duh.
B) Without even fully seeing it, we're pretty sure it's the tie.
C) A sport coat in team colors? Tacky!
D) The fact that John Riggins hadn't played in six years.
E) All of the above.

John Riggins, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 91)

Roger McDowell, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 22)

Name: Roger McDowell
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Reliever
Value of card: It ain't worth squat
Key 1990 stat: 1.2 GPA at Lasorda University
Time for a practical-joker pop quiz:

What does that prankster Roger McDowell have wrapped around his head?

(A) The sweat sock he usually has stuffed down his pants.
(B) The washcloth he uses to wipe that stupid look off his face.
(C) A "hair bra" to hold up his weighty mullet.
(D) Tommy Lasorda's tighty-whities. (throw-up sounds)
(E) None of the above.

Roger McDowell, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 22)

Martina Navratilova, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 6)



Name: Martina Navratilova
Country: United States
Value of card: Headband sweat
Key 1991 stat: 60-pound leg muscles
Clearing up some rumors about Martina Navratilova:

• No, Martina Navratilova is not a man, nor has she ever been. They did tests and everything, so stop asking and grow up already. Sheesh.
• While it's true that Navratilova, with her thigh muscles the size of tree trunks, could kick your ass, she doesn't actually want to. Yet.
• Navratilova does in fact bear a resemblance to Tom Petty. But what you may not know is that Navratilova is the better singer.
• No, her haircut is not more ridiculous than Andre Agassi's. It is taller, however.
• Yes, with its pastel floral pattern on all items of clothing, including the awesome headband, this is the ultimate 1990s women's tennis outfit. And yes, Martina Navratilova still wears it.

Martina Navratilova, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 6)

Gary Muller, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 4)

Name: Axl Rose Gary Muller
Country: South Africa
Value of card: 1 gram of cocaine
Key 1990 stat: Four No. 1 hits
Gary Muller could be Axl Rose's twin. So, let's answer a few questions:
Relationship between Muller and tennis skills? "Estranged"
Snorting an 8-ball of cocaine before a match? "It's So Easy"
The South African's opinion of Johannesburg? "Paradise City"
Waiting for a tournament title from him? "Patience"
What did Muller say to his back-hair waxer? "Welcome to the Jungle"
Muller's nickname for his, ahem, junk: "Sweet Child O' Mine"
Ever seen Muller in action on the court? "Don't Cry"

Gary Muller, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 4)

Andre Agassi, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 1)

Name: Andre Agassi
Country: United States
Value of card: 3 square inches of spandex, no more
Key 1990 stat: 67-inch mullet
Welcome to Wimbledon Week: The grass at the All England Club is green, the balls are out, the forehands are coming overhand and Dick Enberg is slurring about service and love somewhere. This can mean only one thing: It's Wimbledon Week on The Bust. For one tortuous, tennis-filled week, we'll look at some the best and worst of the early 1990s. Expect a lot of faults.
You can't spell "Agassi" without "ass": Just who did this fancy-pants toolbox think he was? What's brighter: the neon on the racquet or the neon in his wig? It must be a wig, because why else would this guy wear a secondhand tuxedo cummerbund around his head? It's nice, though, that his obnoxious pink headband matches his obnoxious pink T-shirt and his obnoxious pink spandex shorts. He wouldn't want anyone to think he was putting fashion ahead of tennis. The leather-band watch is a nice touch. It really goes well with the rest of the sporty outfit. The one thing Agassi was missing in 1991? A beard. Boom.

Andre Agassi, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 1)

Deion Sanders, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Deion Sanders

Team: New York Yankees

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Two 12-ounce cups filled with sweat, jheri curl juice and hair

Key 1989 stat: 11 interceptions

Yankees' scouting report on rookie Deion Sanders: "He has speed, good hands, a great vertical leap, but no baseball skills. Perfect. ... Can play center field, right field or Jazzercise instructor. ... Every time he catches a fly ball, he returns it across the field. ... Pretty soft-spoken kid who could probably use a little flamboyance. ... Doesn't need a batting helmet; his hair will do just fine. ... Plays decent in daytime, but could flourish in prime time. ... Big-league jheri curl, bush-league mustache. ... Plays better defense when ball is oblong and painted brown."

Deion Sanders, 1990 Upper Deck