Felix Millan, 1970 Topps

Name: Felix Millan
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: 2B (or, second base)
Value of card: Free newspaper subscription for one month (Sundays through Fridays not included)
Key 1970 stat: One boring all-star card
Journamalism: Newspaper headline writers (yes, there are still a handful of them these days) are tasked with summarizing a full story into just a few words. It's a task that requires thought and time, and it usually takes a few attempts to find the perfect wording. Here are a few headline possibilities that were rejected before this poor imitation of The Sporting News settled on the super-informative "Felix Millan     2B":

• Felix Millan     2 Eyebrows
• Felix Millan     Not the Cat
• Some Guy     2B
• Felix Millan     Smiling?
• Millan Defeats Truman

Felix Millan, 1970 Topps

Michael Jordan, 1990-91 NBA Hoops Inside Stuff (Air Jordan Week No. 3)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Graffiti would help its value
Key 1990-91 stat: Shirt half tucked in
A question for His Airness: What's the most popular feature of "Michael Jordan's Playground"?

A) The dirty, apparently bullet-pocked backboard
B) The graffiti wall, which was later used in a "Cosby Show" intro
C) The camera guy in a pink shirt, who got beat up more than the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
D) Jordan himself, who would play 8-year-olds one-on-one at full speed, crushing their souls like peanut shells
E) All of the above

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Michael Jordan, 1990-91 NBA Hoops Inside Stuff (Air Jordan Week No. 3)

Bo Jackson, 1991 Pro Set NFL Newsreel (Football Friday No. 101)

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Positions: Running back, emergency room
Value of card: Three screws extracted from hip
Key 1990 stat: Zero career-ending injuries
Key 1991 stat: One career-ending injury
Key 1992 stat: Zero games played
Ouch: We've shown you hundreds of cards that are so bad they can cause severe pain, but this is the first time a card on The Bust has shown a player suffering a career-ending injury. Sure, we've shown you injured players and a bisected Bo, but this is Bo getting his life bisected by a terrible injury. Imagine if Bo's kids in 1991 picked up a pack of Pro Set cards and saw Daddy's hip shattering? Brutal. What could have been worse? We have a few ideas:

• The 1991 Topps card that showed Bo's wife cheating on him with a 375-pound lineman.
• The 1992 Pro Set card that showed Bo sitting on his couch with his leg in a cast.
• The 1991 Score card that showed Bo's golden retriever getting hit by a car.
• A ridiculous 1991 card that compared Bo to a certain rascally TV character.
• The 1992 Pro Line Portrait card that showed Bo's kids thumbing through a pack that contained all the above cards, including the one that pictured their dad's football career being cut short by a gruesome hip injury.

Bo Jackson, 1991 Pro Set NFL Newsreel (Football Friday No. 101)

Mark McGwire, 1988 Fleer Headliners

Name: Mark McGwire

Team: Oakland A's

Position: First base

Value of card: As valuable as yesterday's papers

Key 1987 stat: 162 news cycles dominated

10 headlines Mark McGwire made in 1987:

10) "First baseman swings two bats at plate, hits two home runs, twice" (Wall Street Journal)

9) "McGwire's chest hair: A home run" (Vanity Fair)

8) "Incredible squinting player goes 3-for-4" (USA Today)

7) "Only drug accusations could ruin this career" (Sports Illustrated)

6) "25 reasons not to straighten your teeth" (Men's Health)

5) "Man sought in barnyard rapes" (San Francisco Chronicle)

4) "First base? No chance" (Note scrawled to McGwire at restaurant during date)

3) "Baseball players and newspapers: McGwire is their type" (New York Times)

2) "White man wears bling" (Ebony)

1) "McGwire headline goes here yyyyxxx" (Oakland Tribune)

Mark McGwire, 1988 Fleer Headliners

Steve Young, Bruce Smith, 1991 Pinnacle Head to Head (Football Friday No. 78)

Names: Steve Young, Bruce Smith
Teams: San Francisco 49ers, Buffalo Bills
Positions: Quarterback, defensive end
Value of card: Two heads
Key 1991 stat: Zero games played head-to-head
It's an NFC-AFC Matchup!

Round 1: Finely groomed mustache (Winner: Smith)
Round 2: Finely groomed "Riddell" logo on helmet (Winner: Young)
Round 3: Proper use of chinstrap (Winner: Smith)
Round 4: Career Super Bowls (Winner: Smith)
Round 5: Career Super Bowl rings (Winner: Young — sorry Bills fans)
Round 6: Bigger badass (Winner: Smith)
Round 7: Gnarly, career-ending concussion (Winner: Young)

Final score: Smith 4, Young 3

Synopsis: The Bills may have never won the big game, but Bruce totally makes up for all those missed championships by defeating a concussed Steve Young in the Matchup — not that Steve will remember it.

Steve Young, Bruce Smith, 1991 Pinnacle Head to Head (Football Friday No. 78)

Michael Jordan, 1991-92 NBA Hoops Tribune Headliners (NBA Finals Week No. 3)

Name: Michael Jordan

Team: Chicago Bulls

Positions: Shooting guard, in the air

Value of card: A smudge of newspaper ink

Key 1990-91 stat: One more failing newspaper

10 other headlines from this moment of the 1991 Finals:

10) Jordan scores, Lakers just stand around

9) Jordan somehow makes it past Divac's armpit stench

8) 1991: The year of the Bulls and short-shorts

7) NBA Hoops photographer too lazy to get front-facing shot

6) Jordan scores, gets felt up by Divac

5) Bald wins, beard loses

4) Three black dudes, one white dude can't stop black dude

3) Oh my god, there's a floating hand on the right!

2) Jordan overcomes yellow fever

1) Jordan, Bulls win first NBA title as Johnson stands erect

Michael Jordan, 1991-92 NBA Hoops Tribune Headliners (NBA Finals Week No. 3)

Oscar Gamble, 1976 Topps Traded

Name: Oscar Gamble

Team: New York Yankees

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Priceless

Key 1975 stat: Innumerable imitators

Hair today, hair tomorrow: Oscar Gamble is a legend. He's known as The Big O, The Gamble and The Afro Wonder. He hit for power and for average, but was best known for his 'fro. He inspired imitators on the field and in dorm rooms across the nation. He changed pop culture and inspired trends among the most surprising of followers. Kids across the world copied his style. Weather patterns changed to adhere to the trend he began. The fashion world has never been the same. Plain and simple, The Big O is the pre-eminent afro-American.

Oscar Gamble, 1976 Topps Traded

Will Clark, 1990 Stadium News

Name: Will Clark

Team: San Francisco Giants

Position: First base

Value of card: 75 cents at newsstands

Key 1989 stat: Will Clark Homers Twice

This guy makes headlines: The newspaper industry is in a tailspin. The New York Times sold part of its Manhattan headquarters to raise funds. USA Today's parent company, Gannett, has seen its stock plummet. Every daily newspaper in the greater Bay Area has shed jobs faster than a cheetah falls down a flight of stairs. But one paper has survived the recession and the shift of readers and advertising dollars to the Internet. That paper, in all its glory, is the Stadium News. How does the Stadium News remain profitable? For one: bold news judgment. The day after Nelson Mandela was released from a South African prison, every major newspaper led with the anti-apartheid activist's story. Every major newspaper but one, that is. The Stadium News led with a crisp, telling headline: "Will Clark Homers Twice." Did he hit two home runs in a season or in a game? It doesn't matter. Did his first name have to be used directly above a six-column-wide, 42-inch-long photo of him? Obviously, yes. Did readers suffer because the Mandela story was relegated to a 4-inch brief on Page 14? Not unless they hate America. All these questions aside, it wasn't only news judgment that put the Stadium News in the upper echelons of the industry. The paper's design broke down barriers and forged new boundaries of creativity. It was straightforward, sure, but it was breathtaking. There's no questioning that news judgment and creative design helped the Stadium News grow its readership. But what put the paper over the top? Media critics from the nation's most prestigious journalism schools agree: The postmodern shift to eliminating the rigid confines of a story speaks to today's news consumer in a way a bunch of silly words simply can't.

Will Clark, 1990 Stadium News

Rickey Henderson, 1992 Upper Deck Rickey's 1,000th Stolen Base

Name: Rickey "Be Rickey" Henderson

Team: Oakland Athletics

Position: Left field, Thief

Value of card: Free, if stolen

Key 1991 stats: 1,000th stolen base (all in July); one awesome newspaper headline

Grand theft Rickey: Rickey Be Rickey was a burglar. Rickey Be Rickey stole 1,406 bases in his Hall-of-Fame career, and Rickey Be Rickey let everyone within earshot know it. Rickey Be Rickey would steal hot dogs from concession stands between pitches while at bat. Rickey Be Rickey stole hearts in every major league city. Rickey Be Rickey stole signs from opposing teams. Not "curve ball" or "pick-off attempt" hand signs, but actual team signs from locker rooms. Rickey Be Rickey stole identities. During the 1984 season, Rickey Be Rickey successfully disguised himself as Vince Coleman. Rickey Be Rickey didn't steal cars; Rickey Be Rickey stole entire dealerships. Rickey Be Rickey single-handedly stole speaking in the third person from the rest of America. Rickey Be Rickey stole kidneys from tourists in Bangkok, but instead of a knife he used his cleats. Rickey Be Rickey stole royalties and credibility from baseball card companies by scanning card images onto his computer, posting them on a blog and writing moronic stories about them. Rickey Be Rickey was that good.

Card submitted by Clay Deas

Rickey Henderson, 1992 Upper Deck Rickey's 1,000th Stolen Base