Dave Henderson, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Dave Henderson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Cold ramen broth
Key 1988 stat: Constantly hungry
Actual conversation between giant Dave Henderson and tiny Dave Henderson:
Tiny Hendu: "Hey, where'd my mustache go?"
Giant Hendu: "I'm going to eat you!"
TH: "Holy Jeebus, it's a giant me!"
GH: "Here I come, comin' to eat you!"
TH: "Ah, crap. Maybe I can blend into the background? Um, never mind. Christ, there are enough colors there to make Skittles. ... Wait, maybe ... (Scurries around behind Giant Hendu). Hey, over here, dummy!"
GH: (Turns around, facing hideous background) "Arrrrrrggghh! Hendu's eyes — burning! Can't see! Blinded by multi-colored arrows! Arrrghhh!" (Trips and falls)
TH: (Stabs tiny bat into Giant Hendu's eye, killing him) "Take that, you big freak! You ain't gonna eat nothin'! ... And give me back my mustache!"

Dave Henderson, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Dave Henderson, 1992 Topps Kids

Name: Dave "Hendu" Henderson

Team: Oakland A's

Positions: Outfield, kids show host

Value of card: Six beard hairs, partially burned

Key 1991 stat: Last-place ratings, 4:30 a.m. time slot

Script from "Hendu's Romper Room" children's TV show commercial, circa 1992: "Hey, kids, gather 'round. It's your big buddy Hendu, host of 'Hendu's Romper Room' on public-access Channel 74 in Oakland. You want to get in the game at 4:30 in the morning? Stop by and have some big-league fun with your pal Hendu, a guy who likes to clown around. What kind of fun do we have? Well, check out my buddies in the dugout: We talk on the phone, we drink beer, we catch some zzzz's, we catch some more zzzz's, we grab our gloves and get ready for the game, we cross our legs and chew tobacco, and we cheer on our fans - you little guys. So, tell your parents to get you up before the sun comes up and turn your TV to Channel 74. 'Hendu's Romper Room' is on, and we're playing with balls - baseballs, that is."

Dave Henderson, 1992 Topps Kids

Dave Henderson and Jerry Browne, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Names: Dave Henderson (bottom), Jerry Browne

Teams: Oakland A's, Cleveland Indians

Positions: Outfield, second base, entangled

Value of card: One California Lotto Triple Play scratcher ticket, pre-scratched, no matching numbers

Key 1991 stat: One fun-filled afternoon horsin' around

A touchy-feely installment of The Matchup:

Round 1: Youthful exuberance (Winner: Tie)

Round 2: Subtle copped feel (Winner: Henderson)

Round 3: Flip-up sunglasses (Winner: Browne)

Round 4: Eye-scarring brightness of socks (Winner: Henderson)

Round 5: Little-kid climbing ability (Winner: Browne)

Round 6: Tooth gap (Winner: Henderson)

Round 7: Homoerotic tendencies (Winner: Tie)

Score: Henderson 3, Browne 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Sure, it was just a couple of dudes horsing around on the diamond touching each other in just the right places and in just the right ways, but Henderson proved that copping a feel can be a victory unto itself as well as a part of a bigger victory.

... and you thought that post was bad: The great minds at Donruss had their own cheesy jokes, and decided to include the bits of genius on the back of the card: "These guys could go on the pro-wrestling circuit. Dave Henderson of the Athletics has his arm locked around Jerry Browne's leg and looks like he's giving a piggy-back ride." Feel free to smash your keyboard into a wall now.

Dave Henderson and Jerry Browne, 1992 Donruss Triple Play