Earnest Byner, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 55)

Name: Earnest Byner
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Running back
Value of card: Earnestly ... nothing
Key 1990 stat: 761,964 stretches
Some of the sounds and words Earnest Byner uttered during this stretching session:

• Ooooh
• Ahhhhh
• Feel it. Feel it. Feel it.
• Oooooh, yeah.
• Thigh power. Thigh power, baby.
• Hey, who are you and why are you taking my picture?
• I've been really trying, baby. Trying to hold back these feelings for so long. And if you feel, like I feel baby. Come on, oh come on. Let's get it on.
• Ya-ouch! Groin pull!

Earnest Byner, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 55)

Michael Dean Perry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 45)

Name: Michael Dean Perry
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Defensive line
Value of card: 6 bottles of Nair
Key 1990 stat: 7 wrestling matches with a Fridge
The shame returns: Yes, it's still baseball season, but preseason football is here, and that's all the reason we need to subject you to more Shameful Sunday Portraits. Get ready to cringe!
Conversation between Michael Dean Perry and a Pro Line photographer, circa August 1991:
Michael Dean Perry: "OK, OK. I know what I want to do."
Pro Line photographer: "Mr. Perry, please just put on your pads and go stand on the field."
MDP: "Nope, I have a better idea. Don't need these."
PLP: "Mr. Perry, please put your pants back on."
MDP: "No sir, I'm free as a bird. Just look at these legs."
PLP: "Those are very nice legs, Mr. Perry. But we have a photo shoot to conduct."
MDP: "I know, I know. Here's my idea: I go pantsless and hang from the goalpost."
PLP: "That's not going to work, Mr. Perry."
MDP: "OK, how about I go pantsless and sit on a tackling dummy."
PLP: "I'm sorry, but my editor will not be OK with that."
MDP: "How about this: I go pantsless and hang out in the stands."
PLP: "Well, you'll be hanging out regardless, I guess. Let's get this over with."
MDP: "Yayyy! Best photo shoot eva!"

Michael Dean Perry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 45)

Michael Jordan, 1993 Upper Deck World Cup (World Cup Week No. 6)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: USA
Position: Honorary captain
Value of card: Air
Key 1992 stat: Zero minutes spent kicking anything
Michael Jordan is seen dunking a soccer ball; here are some other things he did with balls from other sports:

• Jordan kept a tube of tennis balls in his shorts.
• Jordan hit golf balls while dressed like an Australian hobo.
• Jordan spiked volleyballs from about 16 feet in the air.
• Jordan hit 3-pointers with bowling balls when he was in the zone.
• Jordan whiffed at baseballs.

Michael Jordan, 1993 Upper Deck World Cup (World Cup Week No. 6)

Cortez Kennedy, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 37)

Name: Cortez Kennedy
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: Six twigs, 12 berries
Key 1990 stat: 212 reps of a 423-pound rock
Conversation between Cortez Kennedy and Pro Line photographer:
Cortez Kennedy: Um, what are we doing out here by these rocks?
Pro Line photographer: We're shooting a football card, silly.
CZ: What does this have to do with football?
PLP: Well ... um ...
CZ: Is it because I'm strong, like a rock?
PLP: Um ...
CZ: Is it because our defensive line is like an avalanche headed toward the quarterback?
PLP: Um ...
CZ: Is it because football is such a grueling game, the best players, the ones who really succeed and prove themselves on the field and who strive to be the best, need to act like they've been carved from granite?
PLP: Um ... actually, it's because it takes a lot of stones to appear on such a stupid card.
CZ: Just take the friggin' picture.

Cortez Kennedy, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 37)

Dave and Doug Widell, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 36)

Names: Dave, left, and Doug Widell
Team: Denver Broncos
Positions: Tackle (Dave), guard (Doug)
Value of card: Three rubber pieces from a ripped-apart racquetball
Key 1990 stat: 22 times they shaved each other's faces
It's time for another brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Belief that sleeves are for suckas (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Penchant for wearing sister's shorts (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Mad racquetball skills (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Desire to get sweaty, stay sweaty, live sweaty (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Sweet high-tops, bro (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Life spent in the shadows (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Hair (Winner: Doug Widell)

Score: Doug 1, Dave 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: When you have two brothers who are this similar, you're going to have a close contest. But Doug shined, mainly because his brother's head did too.

Dave and Doug Widell, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 36)

Cliff Floyd, 1992 Bowman

Name: Cliff Floyd
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 50 cents on his 40, homie
Key 1991 stat: Walked outside his house dressed like that without falling on his face in embarrassment
Cliff Floyd dunked a baseball in 1992; some of his other athletic accomplishments:

• He kicked a field goal with a soccer ball.
• He threw a pingpong ball into a soccer net.
• He beat a fully outfitted hockey goalie in a potato sack race.
• He slowly fanned himself with a tennis racquet to cool down.
• He won a horse race during a polo match.
• He ate a badminton shuttlecock without getting ill. 

Cliff Floyd, 1992 Bowman

Mariano Duncan, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Mariano Duncan
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Infield
Value of card: 50 cents? That's a stretch
Key 1994 stat: 42 games of Twister won
Mariano Duncan's train of thought from 5:12 to 5:13 p.m. July 18, 1994: "Oh, boy. I see you over there, lookin' good. You ever seen a real big leaguer like me? A-huh. That's right. Now you're looking my way. Well let me show you something. Let me show you what keeps the fans coming back game after game. And here we go, lift up. That's for you, sweetheart. And down. And up again. Yup, that's muy, muy Mariano, and it's all for you, honey. Down. And one more time. Stretch. Stretch. Stretch. Oh, yeah. That feels good. So, Darren Daulton, what are you doing tonight?"

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Mariano Duncan, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Bryant Young, 1994 Fleer Ultra First Rounder (Football Friday No. 127)

Name: Bryant Young
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Defensive line
Value of card: 66 pounds of leftover gold leaf
Key 1993 stat: 749 lasers dodged
San Francisco 49ers' scouting report on "first-rounder" Bryant Young: "Says here we drafted this kid solely based on his thighs; smart move. ... Plus: He has the ability to float. ... We can have him stretch out all our players' little girl short-shorts. ... For some reason, I can see Young wearing a gold-leaf helmet that says '94 Fleer Ultra.' ... We'll need to buy a few hundred pencils so this kid can write in his mustache. ... Someone will need to rescue him from 'Tron' world before the season. ... Anyone tell him he needs to wear cleats, not basketball shoes? ... This kid's biggest quality: With that aura around him, he's apparently a celestial being. ... Yeah, nothing like the convergence of sweat stains, skintight shorts and bulge."

Bryant Young, 1994 Fleer Ultra First Rounder (Football Friday No. 127)