Randy Velarde, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Randy Velarde
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Infield
Value of card: Bend over and we'll show ya
Key 1988 stat: 27 times accosted by second baseman Willie Randolph
It's time for yet another homoerotic pop quiz:

What in the living hell is going on here?

(A) Teammate Wille Randolph is playing Tickle Monster.
(B) It's what the announcer called the "really, really exaggerated shift."
(C) Love. Sweet, sweet love.
(D) This is how the Yankees pick "Season's Best Bulge."
(E) All of the above.

Randy Velarde, 1989 Upper Deck

Willie Gault, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 23)

Name: Willie Gault
Team: Oakland Raiders
Positions: Wide receiver, nearly naked
Value of card: 181 pounds of awkward
Key 1992 stat: Didn't regret this photo one bit
Football's back, and so is the shame: The NFL season is officially here, which means every Sunday from today through Super Bowl XLVIII, we here at the Bust will be bringing you a reminder of how not to dress, pose, or groom yourself. We call them Shameful Sunday Portraits; you'll likely call them "more of those Zubaz cards."

Places you've seen this photo before (come on, admit it):

• In your girlfriend's bedroom
• In your sister's bedroom
• In your bedroom
• In Tile Monthly Magazine
• In the Black Hole
• Wait, wait. We meant the Blue Oyster.
• In Al Davis' office
• In Al Davis' bedroom

Willie Gault, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 23)

Thomas Bohrer, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 9)

Name: Thomas Bohrer
Event: Rowing
Medal count: 2 silver
Value of card: Wet garbage
Key 1992 stat: 147,198 times stroked
Here's what Thomas Bohrer stands for:

Thorough knowledge of the backne on the guy in front of him
Handled a long, wooden shaft with skill and grace
Oiled-up legs distracted the competition
Manly enough to wear a scarf to a race
Appears to be making fart noises with his mouth
Silver medals? This is America. If you're not first, you're a communist.

Bohrer: That's what the ladies said he was in the sack, all right.
Of course, judging from that scarf, maybe that's because he wasn't interested in the ladies
Humorous event name of the day: coxless fours
Rocked the mini-mullet in Barcelona. Classy.
Even he snickered every time somebody said, "Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!"
Really, we're just jealous of his biceps

Thomas Bohrer, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 9)

Chris Zorich, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 6)

Name: Chris "Zorro" Zorich
Team: Chicago Scares
Position: Defensive tackle
Fright value of card: A bunch of Zzzzzzzz's
Key 1993 splat: One pair of headphones worn as part of costume
Chris Zorich's dating profile, circa 1994:

Screen name: Zorro69
Age: Veintinueve
Height: Two swords tall
Weight: 112 kilos
Hair color: La rojo bandanna
Hairstyle: Swashbuckling
Ethnicity: Mexican, circa 1840
Religious views: Banderas
Want children? Of course, but only with you, mi amore
Marital status: It's a mystery
Best feature: Mask
Smoke? Yes, but only with a cigarette holder
Drink? The finest wines

Seeking: A gay blade
Location: 1840s colonial Mexico, now California
Her/his body type: Covered in material that can be shredded by a sword
Her/his ethnicity: I prefer the brown ones

About me: I am Zorro, a man on the prowl for a man to share my nights and my secret identity. Me, a dashing, black-clad outlaw whose sword is as swift as his silver-tongued wit. You, anybody with a couple of holes. But, no, don't get upset. You can join me on clandestine adventures, during which I will take up arms against tyrannical villains, and, let's hope, take down their pants with a few swipes of my sword. Like that idea? I can add a "Z" to the back of your trousers, mi amore. Join me, Zorro, on my next romantic adventure.

Chris Zorich, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 6)

Mike Morgan, 1986 Topps

Name: Mike Morgan

Team: Seattle Mariners

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Bulldog eye wrinkle goop

Key 1985 stat: 1,786 hours standing suggestively

So, just what does Mike Morgan stand for?

Manly figure, for a ballet dancer

Ice in his veins; tears in his heart

Kingdome was alive with show tunes when he was on the mound

Ever seen baseball pants so smooth?

Mesh hat for style's sake

Overly sexualized pitching windup

Rear always stuck out for the ladies

Gay men said he could throw them balls anytime

A(nother bad homoerotic joke goes here)

Never mind the backside; wait until you see the front

Mike Morgan, 1986 Topps

Erik Howard, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 68)

Name: Erik Howard

Team: New York Giants

Positions: Defensive tackle, bar owner

Value of card: Two songs on The Blue Oyster bar jukebox

Key 1990 stat: Two tangos with Capt. Harris

Leatherman and leatherhead: Erik Howard was a respected defensive tackle on two Super Bowl-winning Giants teams. He made big plays in the trenches, persevered through injuries and led his unit by example. But it wasn't his unit that most concerned him. Howard owned The Blue Oyster, a gay bar whose clientele included bikers, sailors, cowboys, leathermen, bears and the occasional police officer. In fact, it was these interactions with police that made The Blue Oyster famous. It was featured in movies, and tango competitions at the bar became the toast of the gay community. Despite the bar's success, Howard concentrated on football. But after football, he emerged from the shadows and publicly declared his love for Sweetchuck.

Erik Howard, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 68)

Dan Gable, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Alternative Sports Week No. 3)

Name: Dan Gable

Team: The US of A

Position: None quite as homoerotic as this

Value of card: Three pieces of used ear tape

Key 1976 stats: One gold medal; one passionate love affair

10 names for Gable's signature move, seen above:

10) Half-Nelson, Full-Sexy

9) Third Base

8) Slightly Homosexual Pile-Driver

7) 'Taint the Move You Want to Be In

6) Crotchlock

5) Reverse Spandex Smut

4) True Love

3) The Smell This

2) Greco-Roman Romance

1) The Gay-ble

Dan Gable, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Alternative Sports Week No. 3)

John Russell, 1987 Topps

Name: John Russell
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Titillation
Key 1986 stat: One indecent exposure charge
Hey there, sailor: John Russell was not very good at baseball. In 10 major league seasons, he clubbed just 34 home runs and batted .225. But 1986 was a year to remember for the young backstop. He hit 13 taters, drove in 60 runs and invented what would be called the game's most distracting defensive maneuver until Rick Wilkins unveiled his crotch-block in 1991. During big at-bats, Russell would take his stance behind the plate and then slowly strip off his mask, chest protector, shin guards, uniform and undershirt. Batters, in awe of Russell's rug of chest hair and oversize jock strap, would flail away, finding it difficult to pick up the ball out of the pitcher's hand when they could hardly look away from the pair just below their elbows. MLB banned Russell's burly burlesque act the next year, and the catcher would play just 235 games over the next seven seasons.

John Russell, 1987 Topps

Dave Henderson and Jerry Browne, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Names: Dave Henderson (bottom), Jerry Browne

Teams: Oakland A's, Cleveland Indians

Positions: Outfield, second base, entangled

Value of card: One California Lotto Triple Play scratcher ticket, pre-scratched, no matching numbers

Key 1991 stat: One fun-filled afternoon horsin' around

A touchy-feely installment of The Matchup:

Round 1: Youthful exuberance (Winner: Tie)

Round 2: Subtle copped feel (Winner: Henderson)

Round 3: Flip-up sunglasses (Winner: Browne)

Round 4: Eye-scarring brightness of socks (Winner: Henderson)

Round 5: Little-kid climbing ability (Winner: Browne)

Round 6: Tooth gap (Winner: Henderson)

Round 7: Homoerotic tendencies (Winner: Tie)

Score: Henderson 3, Browne 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Sure, it was just a couple of dudes horsing around on the diamond touching each other in just the right places and in just the right ways, but Henderson proved that copping a feel can be a victory unto itself as well as a part of a bigger victory.

... and you thought that post was bad: The great minds at Donruss had their own cheesy jokes, and decided to include the bits of genius on the back of the card: "These guys could go on the pro-wrestling circuit. Dave Henderson of the Athletics has his arm locked around Jerry Browne's leg and looks like he's giving a piggy-back ride." Feel free to smash your keyboard into a wall now.

Dave Henderson and Jerry Browne, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Larry Walker, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Larry Walker

Team: Montreal Expos

Position: Right field

Value of card: One pair of blue cleats

Key 1991 stat: Seven surgeries on testicles

Time for another pop quiz:

What question did Larry Walker yell after getting to third base?

(A) "Why are you punching me in the nuts?"

(B) "Who's that out-of-focus guy botching up the card?"

(C) "How can I take my eyes off that keister?"

(D) "Why are you copying my mullet?"

(E) "Why are you bent over with your mouth wide open and your hands stretched toward my goods?"

(F) All of the above

Larry Walker, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Bo Jackson, 1991 Fleer Illustration (Bo Week, No. 3)

Name: Bo Jackson

Team: Los Angeles Raiders

Position: Running back

Value of card: I'm sorry. What? I was distracted.

Key 1990 stat: Bulge. I mean, uh, I was distracted. I mean, um, five rushing touchdowns.

The bulge of Bo Week: At first glance, this card seems reasonable. It's an intricate likeness of a superior athlete. Bo is in a Raiders uniform, and his baseball career is tastefully alluded to through the drawing of stitches on the moon. Then your eyes pan down. What is that? The illustrator chose to display Mr. Jackson's — bam — in an exaggerated way (at least we hope it's exaggerated). Your eyes are first drawn to the football at Bo's side, then — bam. Maybe your eyes are drawn to the Raiders helmet, whose chinstrap happens to be pointing to — bam. You can't escape it. Bo's belt can't even stay buckled because of that — bam. And what about the stitch design on the crotch of Bo's football pants? Bam. But the bam isn't contained to the frame of the illustration. Oh no. Even Bo's first name — bam — parts like the Red Sea for the — bam bam bam — just in case that buckle breaks and the bam falls through the bottom of the frame.

Bo Jackson, 1991 Fleer Illustration (Bo Week, No. 3)

Glenallen Hill, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Glenallen Hill

Team: Cleveland Indians

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Whatever Mr. Hill wants to pay is OK with us

Key 1992 stat: 26 asses kicked

Time for another pop quiz:

Why is Glenallen Hill so angry?

(A) A fan in the first deck yelled, "Hey, Hill, you and Alex Cole should keep the massages in the bedroom!"

(B) Goddamn it, he's sick and tired of having two first names in one.

(C) He can't believe the armband manufacturer ripped him off and gave him "half-bands."

(D) He doesn't have a radical pair of Oakley Blades like Alex Cole's.

(E) His silver chain is so heavy it's weighing down the left side of his body, causing discomfort in his bulge.

(F) The photographer asked for his "fury" look.

(G) All of the above.

Glenallen Hill, 1993 Upper Deck

Christian Okoye, 1992 Skybox (Halloween Week No. 3)

Name: Christian Okoye, aka The Nigerian Nightmare

Team: Kansas Scary Chiefs

Position: Running back

Fright value of card: More than 3 cents? In your dreams

Key 1991 splat: One foursome

We have a lot to cover before Halloween: So much is going on in this card it's liable to make someone's head spin like Linda Blair in "The Exorcist." First, let's address the blatant homoeroticism. It would seem Christian Okoye not only sleeps with men three at a time, but prefers his boy toys to dress as opposing teams' players. That's fine. To each their own. But why is the Chargers player praying for Okoye to return to bed? And why is the Broncos player under the covers, facing the wrong way and ogling the Nigerian Nightmare's rear end? And what about the Seahawks player sizing up that backside, framing it in his line of vision, as if he's about to grab it. But let's put the homoeroticism aside. Why are four pairs of cleats sitting at the bedside? Is there a Raiders player stuffed in the love nest? Let's not forget the biker shorts. Okoye's pelvic region looks like an angry raccoon stuck between two giant Cliffords. Gross. Then there's the hat. It's about four sizes too small and the exact color as his face. Two more quick questions: Why is the comforter being pierced by the bedpost? and Why is Okoye growling? Forget the questions, the glove has to be mentioned. We here at the Bust appreciate when a clever idea is beat into the ground; in this case, Skybox must be applauded for tying Okoye's nickname to a popular horror movie franchise. That's frighteningly smart thinking, outside the Skybox.

Christian Okoye, 1992 Skybox (Halloween Week No. 3)

Victor Rosario, 1991 Fleer

Name: "Victor/Victoria" Rosario

Team: Atlanta Braves

Position: Shortstop

Value of card: Three mascara eye boogers

Key 1990 stat: One ripped-off movie plot

His story reads like a movie: Victor is a poverty-stricken shortstop trying to find work in Atlanta in the 1990s. With the help of a world-wise fielding instructor, he invents his alter-ego, Victoria, a male impersonator who is hired to play at fashionable Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium. "You want me to be a man pretending to be a woman pretending to be a shortstop?" Interwoven throughout the comedy of errors and statistical numbers are some surprisingly astute observations about gender perceptions, discrimination and the value of a sure-handed middle-infielder.

* words in red substituted; text from IMDB.com

Victor Rosario, 1991 Fleer

Marc Newfield, Rondell White, 1992 Upper Deck Top Prospect Checklist

Names: Marc Newfield, Rondell White
Teams: Seattle Mariners, Montreal Expos
Positions: Outfield, outfield
Value of card: $150,000 at the box office
Key 1991 stat: One parting of ways
For love of the game: Before Ang Lee released his ballyhooed 2005 film "Brokeback Mountain," he directed a prequel about the forbidden love of two minor-league baseball players, the long-forgotten "Brokeback Ground-Rule Double." In the climactic scene, co-stars Marc Newfield and Rondell White say their goodbyes before the start of another long season. "I wish I knew how to quit you," the stoic Newfield tells his special batsman while watching the Expos' team bus approach. "I know," White says, slipping a hand on his lover's shoulder. "But it's like Coach Runnels said. We're getting paid to hit the ball, not stem the rose." The film bombed at the box office but stands to this day as a landmark in chronicling homoeroticism in baseball.

Marc Newfield, Rondell White, 1992 Upper Deck Top Prospect Checklist