Dick Perez, 1994 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Dick Perez
Team: Donruss
Position: Diamond King artist
Value of card: Four ounces of ink, spilled on your pants
Key 1993 stat: One copy purchased of "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man"
Is Dick Perez having a medical emergency? First off, here he is, ladies and gents, the man, the myth, the legend: Dick Perez. He spent many years tormenting us with these Diamond King cards, and we've now done the same in return. But is he having a medical emergency? His hair definitely is not. That helmet could absorb a 96-mph fastball. His beard is trimmed neatly, showing good dexterity and fashion sense. But patches of skin on his face are blue, and that's never a good sign. He may be losing oxygen to the brain, which would explain how this thing ever saw the light of day.

Dick Perez, 1994 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Andre Dawson, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Andre Dawson
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 blue lines, 2 red lines, and 1 teal line
Key 1987 stat: One super alter ego
Is Andre Dawson having a medical emergency? There's no discernible grimacing or lack of muscle control, so that's a good sign. His face isn't melting off, which has happened to more than one Diamond King victim. But that is one giant noggin. Could it be some sort of swelling? More likely, Diamond King Dawson suffers from gigantism. You know, the natural kind, not the Barry Bonds kind.

Andre Dawson, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Darryl Strawberry, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Darryl Strawberry
Team: New York Mets
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A straw with a hole in it
Key 1986 stat: Half a mustache
Is Darryl Strawberry having a medical emergency? While li'l Darryl appears to be fit and hale, watching yet another long ball soar out of Shea, big Darryl might be in trouble. His hat's a little askew, but that's no big deal, and his eyes look fine. His nose is pretty asymmetrical, though      perhaps he's been in a fistfight? The big worry here, however, is what's going on with his mouth and cheeks. Either he's having a stroke or half of his face is melting due to some sort of witchcraft. Grab a cross and call an ambulance, Straw! Every second counts!

Darryl Strawberry, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

David Cone, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: David Cone
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One piece of sugar cone, picked up off the floor
Key 1988 stat: 14 times yelled at Keith Hernandez to stop farting so much
Is David Cone having a medical emergency? David is definitely pale in this image; in fact, he may be an albino. But that's a lifelong condition, not really a medical emergency. The back of his hair appears to be streaming into the New York sky, but that could just be an optical illusion caused by his supersonic speed. What's more concerning is that he looks like he's attempting to speak, but unable to fully open his mouth. I think what we've got here is a classic case of lockjaw. Better get to the ER, buddy; you don't want to mess with tetanus.

David Cone, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Gorman Thomas, 1982 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Gorman Thomas
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: An empty six-pack of Milwaukee's Best
Key 1981 stat: Clothed a family of four with his mustache
Is Gorman Thomas having a medical emergency? Right now? No. He's clearly happy, maybe because it's such a joy to live in Milwaukee, maybe because it's been eight months to the day since he last had a haircut, or maybe because Bernie Brewer has bought the last three rounds. But he is not in need of medical attention      right now. In a few years, though, when he begins to morph into a Saint Bernard dog? It would probably be a good idea.

Gorman Thomas, 1982 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Andy Van Slyke, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Andy Van Slyke
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six used Band-Aids
Key 1987 stat: Zero times maintaining the area between his eyebrows
Is Andy Van Slyke having a medical emergency? Hmm, let's see. One side of his face definitely appears to be drooping, indicating a possible stroke. Or maybe it's just melting? Either way, that's a bad sign. Then, li'l Andy down there at the right may soon be a victim of a second-degree sunburn. Additionally, the mustache on li'l Andy looks like it's just completely fallen off of big Andy's face. We're pretty sure that might require a trip to the ER. So, yes, please call an ambulance before Mr. Van Slyke keels over.

Andy Van Slyke, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Dwight Gooden, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Dwight Gooden
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: One big apple, filled with worms
Key 1985 stat: Constant disgust
Yep, we've got more of 'em: That's right, Internet, your least favorite subset is back. Sure, we've already posted enough Diamond Kings to stuff a binder, but this week's seven illustrations make us wonder if the athletes featured in them are having some sort of medical emergency. So, to borrow an idea from Grandma Milhouse, go ahead and dial 9-1 while we investigate; then, if we say so, dial 1 again.
Is Dwight Gooden having a medical emergency? Upon further investigation, Doc is not having an embolism; he's just angry. Wouldn't you be? I mean, if you were painted with a laser beam going through your ears, a miniature version of yourself digging his cleats into your own neck, and your mouth at a completely different angle than the rest of your face, you can't tell me you'd be happy about it. So forgive Doc if he's a little torqued off. (Just don't tell him about the two little white lines around that laser beam.)

Dwight Gooden, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Jeff Bagwell, 1995 Fleer Pro Vision

Name: Jeff Bagwell
Team: Houston Astros
Position: First base
Value of card: 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... zero
Key 1994 stat: 96 astronauts offended
Here's a literal interpretation of the above masterpiece: Here we see Jeff Bagwell, in all his power-hitting glory, swinging as if to launch a rocket into outer space. The twist? He's hitting an actual rocket, full of tiny astronauts, carrying with it supplies for the International Space Station and the hopes and aspirations of an entire nation. The shuttle, apparently, malfunctioned, and only the mighty Bagwell could set it back on its course for great beyond, on a course for outer space — a true moonshot.

Jeff Bagwell, 1995 Fleer Pro Vision

Rick Jones, 1977 Topps

Name: Rick Jones
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 2 chewed, broken pencils with no lead
Key 1976 stat: 11 fish caught at Pike Place Market
Quite the portrait: Um, Topps, what the hell is going on here? We have a normal-looking pitcher with a more-than-normal name with an odd tuft of chest hair. All in all, a pretty standard card — one you normally wouldn't find on The Bust. But then there's the small issue of this card being some kind of an illustration. An illustration? What is this, a precursor to the Diamond King? Some crazy printing error? A joke played on collectors? Or is it a curious solution to the Mariners coming into existence in 1977? In truth, it's all four. Excellent work, Topps!

Rick Jones, 1977 Topps

Patrick Ewing, 1997 Sports Illustrated for Kids (Halloween Special 2014)

Name: Patrick Ewing
Team: New York Ticks
Positions: Center, monster
Value of card: One bolt in the neck
Key 1997-98 splat: 26 games played
Happy Halloween from the Bust. Here are a few things that Patrick Ewing and the Knicks have in common with Frankenstein:

• Frankenstein's monster shuffled around slowly when walking. Sounds like Patrick Ewing in the late '90s to us.
• Frankenstein's monster was sewn together using parts from stolen from corpses. We're pretty sure Ewing's knees have a similar story.
• "Young Frankenstein" is pretty funny, but not as funny as New York Knicks basketball.
• "Frankenstein" is a horror story, but if you want to scare a Knicks fan, just tell them Isaiah Thomas is taking over as GM again.

Patrick Ewing, 1997 Sports Illustrated for Kids (Halloween Special 2014)

Sterling Sharpe, 1995 Fleer Pro Visions (Football Friday No. 214)

Name: Sterling Sharpe
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 7 shards of glass
Key 1994 stat: 116 cuts
Some explanations for this high-concept (cough, cough) illustration:

• Sharpe is breaking through the glass ceiling after men named Sterling had been held back for decades by people with normal names.
• Sharpe is jumping from space and shattering the sky because, you know, that makes sense.
• Sharpe is on a wicked-awesome trip after mistakenly eating the wrong kind of brownies at a music festival.
• Sharpe is a pawn of an unimaginative artist playing off his last name as an illustrated pun that really doesn't make sense (kind of like the Bust).

Sterling Sharpe, 1995 Fleer Pro Visions (Football Friday No. 214)

Dizzy Trout and Steve Trout, 1985 Topps Father-Son

Names: Dizzy Trout, Steve Trout
Teams: Boston Red Sox, Chicago Cubs
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Ask your father
Key 1984 stat: 14 loving embraces between father and son
It's time for a family-friendly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: 1950s math teacher glasses (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 2: Feathered coif that could feel at home atop the head of a 1980s all-woman pop-rock group (Winner: Steve)
Round 3: Ears that are threatening to take flight (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 4: Symmetrical eyes that don't beg for the nickname "Dizzy" (Winner: Steve)
Round 5: Honor of being immortalized in a work-of-art illustration (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 6: Possibly, maybe, seemingly racist logo on the card (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 7: Fishy last name (Winner: Tie)

Score: Dizzy 4, Steve 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: In a battle between a couple of Trouts, the big fish comes out on top thanks in part to some little weird red dude swinging big lumber with a bigger chin.

Dizzy Trout and Steve Trout, 1985 Topps Father-Son

Joe Pettini, 1981 Topps

Name: Joe Pettini
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Shortstop, third base
Value of card: It's complicated
Key 1980 stat: You wouldn't understand
An ode to Joe Pettini: Joe, oh Joe. You're a complicated man. You dress like a cat burglar and carry the moniker of a salami maker. Andy Warhol, the master of the pop art movement, found your look so intriguing, so mesmerizing, that he painted the portrait above and sold it for a buck seventy-five when he was high on mescaline. Joe, oh Joe. How do you feather your mullet so? How can you see lunar pebbles on the moon with 14-pound glasses that make women swoon? Tell us the secrets of your mustache-like sideburns and sideburn-like mustache. Joe, fair Joe, thank you for being our work of art.

Joe Pettini, 1981 Topps

Brett Butler, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Brett Butler
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Disgust
Key 1985 stat: Constantly disgusted
Wake up, Nancy: Oh, what's that? You've been having nightmares all week because of these dream-haunting Diamond Kings? Well, Brett Butler doesn't want to hear it. He thinks you need to get your act together and quit whining. He doesn't care about how frightening some of these illustrations are, and he doesn't give one crap about how you sometimes wake up screaming. You want to know fear? You want to know bone-chilling terror? Try being a Major League Baseball player with the same name as a Hollywood actress. You might never sleep again.

Brett Butler, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Jose Cruz, 1985 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Jose Cruz
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A shot of Jose (not Cuervo)
Key 1984 stat: 512 bones in face, apparently
A real looker: The fear struck into the hearts of men (and women) by Jose Cruz has been previously documented on this site. Even Dick Perez was so horrified that all he could come up with for a background was a purple square. Let's review: There's the soullessness of Jose's eyes, which can bore through any skull and see the deepest fears therein. There's the rapey gaze that makes people of all genders clench their legs shut even more quickly than when they hear the word "prolapse." And then there's the monobrow, which      well, actually, that monobrow is pretty funny. Imagine being Perez and painting that thing in. If he hadn't been so terrified by the rest of Cruz's face, it probably would have been the best moment of his Donruss career.

Jose Cruz, 1985 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Charlie Hough, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Charlie Hough
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: A huff and a puff
Key 1996 stat: 52 bottles of Just For Men purchased
Hinting at retirement: What's so scary about this Diamond King? Well, as usual, you've got your faceless tiny man in the corner      you'll definitely be seeing him when you close your eyes tonight. There's also the lesson in how not to apply self-tanning products that is Old Man Hough's face. That thing's streakier than the inside of his adult diaper. But perhaps the biggest can of nightmare fuel is that giant fork that Dick Perez has shoved in Charlie's back. Good lord, man, what did this old-timer do to tick you off? Either that, or you were trying to hint that it was time for Charlie to call it a career      stick a fork in him, he's done.

Charlie Hough, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Ron Kittle, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Ron Kittle
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 3 months of bird crap found inside a sparrow nest
Key 1983 stat: 20/80 vision
Grab your mace: "Hey baby. Come to this parking lot often? Huh-ha. (snort) Huh-ha. No, no, don't back away. I'm not trying to be creepy. I'm not a serial killer or anything. Huh-ha. (snort) Huh-ha. Do you like my panel van over here? It's really nice inside. You should see it some time. Why are you dialing on your phone? I'm not trying to scare you out of your clothes or anything. Huh-ha. (snort) Huh-ha. Do you like my glasses? All the better to see you with, my dear. Wait, why are you running away? I can be the man of your dreams. Don't you want me haunting your dreams? Wait, come back! (Puts rope, large plastic bag and shovel into the back of van.)"

Ron Kittle, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Mark McGwire, 1996 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Mark McGwire

Team: Oakland A's

Position: First base

Value of card: You know those plastic paint palettes that were handed out in first grade? One of those, dried up and broken into three pieces

Key 1995 stat: 74 hours looking directly at you

Don't look away: "Hey you! Yeah, you. It's me, Mark McGwire, and I'm staring you down. I'm here to do one thing: scare you straight. My icy-cold glare is peering deep into your frightened, fraudulent soul. You're a craven, and you need to stand up and be a man. You're terrified of me just as you're terrified of waking up every morning and looking in the mirror. Stare into my dead, baby-blue eyes. Here's the message you need to internalize, the words you must never forget, the simple instructions that will turn you from a quivering coward into a fearless alpha male: Grow a mullet, you spineless jellyfish, and become a man, like McGwire."

Mark McGwire, 1996 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Dave Concepcion, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Dave Concepcion
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 11 flakes of cigarette ash
Key 1983 stat: Zero minutes hanging in a museum
Welcome to Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week: Once again, we'd like to apologize. We've brought you Atrocious Diamond Kings, God-Awful Diamond Kings, Dreadful Diamond Kings, Horrendous Diamond Kings, Disturbing Diamond Kings and Diamond Kings we just had to apologize for. But now, our greatest latest set of Donruss' premier only painted subset: Diamond Kings that are so frightening, they'll haunt your dreams. Enjoy!
Don't fall asleep: You may be getting tired, but we'd stay away from bed. You never know when "Crazy Eyes" Concepcion might be lurking in the shadows, ready to render you unconscious with the chloroform-soaked rag tucked into his batting helmet. Concepcion might have been slick in the field, but he was slicker when covered in the blood of his victims, especially after he wore the "Texas Chainsaw"-style flesh mask pictured above. Consider yourself forewarned: Don't sleep on this Diamond King.

Dave Concepcion, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

John Elway, 1999 Just Imagine

Name: John Elway
Team: Oneonta Yankees
Position: Quarterback Outfield
Value of card: It's not a mile high
Key 1998 stat: 10 interceptions
New York Yankees' scouting report on minor-league prospect John Elway: "I've seen a lot of pros, and this kid will never be a pro at anything. ... Looks kind of like a horse. Maybe he should play for the Broncos (laughter fills room). ... He's got a good bat but he really needs to work on that arm. ... He's got a face that would look better with a helmet over it. ... Judging solely from this painting of him, he might have a career as a Diamond King. ... I'd bet my salary we never hear about this Elway kid again."

John Elway, 1999 Just Imagine