Brett Butler, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Brett Butler
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Disgust
Key 1985 stat: Constantly disgusted
Wake up, Nancy: Oh, what's that? You've been having nightmares all week because of these dream-haunting Diamond Kings? Well, Brett Butler doesn't want to hear it. He thinks you need to get your act together and quit whining. He doesn't care about how frightening some of these illustrations are, and he doesn't give one crap about how you sometimes wake up screaming. You want to know fear? You want to know bone-chilling terror? Try being a Major League Baseball player with the same name as a Hollywood actress. You might never sleep again.

Brett Butler, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Duane Kuiper, 1979 Topps

Name: Duane Kuiper
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Second base
Value of card: As many cents as home runs hit in Kuiper's career
Key 1978 stat: Zero home runs
It's time for a homerless pop quiz:

How many home runs did 12-year veteran Duane Kuiper hit in his career?

(A) 1
(B) 6,543 - 6,542
(C) The same amount as the number of C's on his cap
(D) Uno
(E) All of the above

Duane Kuiper, 1979 Topps

George Vukovich, 1984 Donruss

Name: George Vukovich
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The wind through your hair
Key 1983 stat: One perfect photo
George Vukovich's advertisement for Glamour Shots, circa 1984: "Why Glamour Shots? Because you deserve to look your best      forever." (Smiles winningly into camera) "Why Glamour Shots? Because you want to shut up all those people who asked when you were going to get a haircut." (Wind blows through hair) "Why Glamour Shots? Because when else will three layers of clothing make sense?" (Rubs hands over rubber undershirt) "Why Glamour Shots? Because you're tired of everyone asking whether you're related to the clearly uglier Pete Vuckovich." (Makes barf noises) "Why Glamour Shots? Because you're worth it." (Wind blows through mustache)"

George Vukovich, 1984 Donruss

Mike Krukow and Duane Kuiper, 1981 Topps

Names: Duane Kuiper, Mike Krukow
Teams: Cleveland Indians, Chicago Cubs
Positions: Second base, pitcher
Value of cards: As many cents as Kuiper's career home run total (combined)
Key 1980 stat: 14 times dreaming of sitting next to each other doing play-by-play (combined)
It's time for a San Francisco edition of The Matchup, which features current Giants TV broadcast partners Duane Kuiper and Mike Krukow:

Round 1: Carefree attitude seen in unkempt hairstyle (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Choice of cummerbund instead of baseball belt (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Lack of buttons on Little League-quality jersey (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Sensational staring technique (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Animal magnetism — mad animal magnetism (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Admiration for sleeves cut off with kindergarten safety scissors (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Career home runs (Winner: Krukow)

Score: Krukow 1, Kuiper 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: When you have a Matchup that features two professionals who are so linked, you know it's going to be close. Indeed, this edition's margin of victory was razor-thin, but when the dust had settled, Krukow told Kuiper, "Grab some pine, meat."

Mike Krukow and Duane Kuiper, 1981 Topps

Phil and Joe Niekro, 1988 Topps '87 Record Breakers

Names: Phil Niekro, Joe Niekro
Teams: Cleveland Indians, Minnesota Twins
Positions: Aces
Value of card: That brutal crease makes it worth twice as much
Key 1987 stat: 151 whippersnappers tossed off their lawns
It's time for a brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Older than dirt (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Survived the depression (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Memories of baseball cards in tobacco pouches (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Reputation as a silver fox (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Penchant for eating dinner at 4 p.m., game or not (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Experience playing against Ty Cobb (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Ready to punch you in the face for making fun of his age (Winner: Phil Niekro)

Score: Phil Niekro 1, Joe Niekro 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: As you'd expect, this was a close contest, with two brothers of advancing years going toe-to-toe. But, in the end, Phil Niekro's punch-happy attitude overcame the Twin on this card.

Phil and Joe Niekro, 1988 Topps '87 Record Breakers

Ernie Camacho, 1986 Topps

Name: Ernie Camacho
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Wimpy-lookin' pitcher
Value of card: One soiled doll of Ernie from "Sesame Street"
Key 1985 stat: Not very many people came to watch the Tribe, apparently
Don't be intimidated, it's just a pop quiz: What's the most macho thing about Ernie Camacho?

A) That jacket's pretty bulky.
B) Those sleeves are long enough to reach out and strangle you.
C) His mustache only begins to hint at his masculinity.
D) His nose has to be really strong to hold up those glasses.
E) None of the above, or anything else for that matter.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Ernie Camacho, 1986 Topps

Pete O'Brien, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Pete O'Brien
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: First base
Value of card: 0.75 pounds of ash
Key 1989 stat: One gray undershirt worn during 162 games
He's red-hot: Oh, man, did Donruss ever nail it here. Pete O'Brien, ladies and gentlemen, was on fire in 1990. He was so hot, his mullet would spontaneously combust during games. He was so hot, he'd light his cigarettes with his finger. He was so hot, he'd boil water by swigging off a bottle, gurgling and spitting it into a pot. He was so hot, he would walk around with yellow, orange and red flames jumping off his back — strangely, with the colors never mixing and staying separate in straight lines. Pete O'Brien was so hot in 1990, he hit .224 with five homers and 27 RBIs. Nice work, Donruss.

Pete O'Brien, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Rick Waits, 1982 Donruss

Name: Rick Waits
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 ounces of sunflower seed shells swept up in the dugout
Key 1981 stat: 870 hours sitting in the dugout
Let's get deep and answer some questions:

What happens when this pitcher wants to get in a game?

Rick Waits

What happens when this pitcher asks the clubhouse manager for a favor?

Rick Waits

What happens when this pitcher drops his name at a busy restaurant in an effort to get a table?

Rick Waits

What happens when this pitcher walks into a barbershop and asks to get cleaned up?

Rick Waits

What happens when this pitcher says he wants to be featured on a good-looking baseball card?

Rick Waits

Rick Waits, 1982 Donruss

Paul Byrd, 1992 Bowman

Name: Paul Byrd
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Free skee-ball game at Chuck E. Cheese
Key 1991 stat: Got owned in Tecmo Bowl 1,644 times
Cleveland Indians' scouting report on draft pick Paul Byrd: "I realize we're looking toward the future, but should we really be drafting 12-year-olds? ... Eats out of the same bowl his mom uses to cut his hair, which is both efficient and disgusting. ... Has a nice Uncle Charlie. No, not a curve ball      he has an uncle named Charlie who drives him to school every day. ... Hopefully, he'll be here for spring training. From the looks of this photo, he was last seen entering the Tron world via a JCPenney portrait studio. ... The kid seemed a little disappointed that our uniforms didn't include more denim. ... Needs to improve: change-up, pick-off move, bedwetting."

Paul Byrd, 1992 Bowman

Paul Sorrento, 1996 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Paul Sorrento
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: First base
Value of card: $1 (if you tape a dollar to it)
Key 1995 stat: At least one time making the same face as the team logo
Ten dumbest things Paul Sorrento did for photo day at Jacobs Field:
10) Told the photographer that he was "an older, more sophisticated Jim Thome"
9) Put on an Indians uniform even though he was in the process of being traded to Seattle
8) Asked the photog if having his picture taken would steal his soul
7) Shaved his arms
6) Shaved his legs
5) Shaved his back
4) Swore that "Sorrento" is Italian for "immortal ninja"
3) Drank orange juice right after brushing his teeth
2) Took batting practice in center field
1) Smiled like a big doofus all damn day

Paul Sorrento, 1996 Topps Stadium Club

Manny Ramirez, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 5)

Name: Manny Ramirez
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 6 ounces of L.A. Looks hair gel
Key 1991 stat: 26 horizontal stripes
Today's fashion model: Gaze upon young Manny Ramirez, lucky reader, as he single-handedly refocuses inner-city style in early 1990s New York. His chosen design? Stripes. How many? Enough. Stare long enough and you'll be lost in his blouse as if it were a Magic Eye poster. But don't let the stripes distract you; the real star of the shirt is the mini-mock turtleneck, a style seldom seen outside medieval cathedrals. Tantalizing, especially when packaged with jewelry. Manny's earring? Glistening in the soft spring sun. His hair? Blinding, from the overabundance of hair gel applied with a kitchen mop. Young Manny wasn't done making bold choices, oh no. He opted for the loose tuck, with his shirt tucked in but with at least 6 inches remaining in a bunch flopping over his black stonewashed jeans. That's radical. And then there's the watch. It's tough to see here, but the hour hand is a bat and the minute hand is a ball. For young Manny, it's always 12 o'clock.

Manny Ramirez, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 5)

Charlie Manuel, 2001 Topps

Name: Charlie Manuel
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Manager
Value of card: A dab of jock itch cream
Key 2000 stat: Never heard of the Y2K bug
Let's not be rash: The Cleveland Indians dugout took a turn for the gross in 2000 when skipper Charlie Manuel came down with a case of tinea cruris, better known as jock itch. While it was unfortunate enough that the manager was constantly clawing at his nether regions, it took almost a week for the team to figure out that Manuel was not, in fact, giving the all-too-similar bunt sign to every batter who stepped to the plate. The Tribe went winless that week, but both team and manager soon found relief when the head trainer handed Manuel an anti-fungal cream.

Charlie Manuel, 2001 Topps

Ron Tingley, 1989 Topps

Name: Ron Tingley
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 14 spent matches
Key 1988 stat: .324 burrito-eating average
It's time for another pop quiz:

Just what made Ron all "Tingley" inside?

(A) His full-body mesh underwear.
(B) Gigantic racist logos on his head.
(C) Getting incredibly too close to a female Topps photographer.
(D) Two — just two — wafts of his golden bangs gently teasing his forehead.
(E) Staring at his Caucasian-colored mustache in the mirror.
(F) All of the above.

Ron Tingley, 1989 Topps

Ron Washington, 1989 Donruss

Name: Ron Washington
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Less than a 1-cent stamp
Key 1988 stat: 2,902,571 curls in hair
Fun facts about former Indians infielder and current Rangers manager Ron Washington and first president of the U.S. George Washington:

• George Washington was said to have teeth made out of wood. Ron Washington's mustache was made out of suede.
• George Washington wore a powdered wig. Ron Washington wore a Halloween fright wig in this photo.
• As a boy, George Washington chopped down his father's cherry tree. Ron Washington rarely made such solid contact with his swing.
  
• After cutting down the cherry tree, George Washington reportedly said to his father, "I cannot tell a lie." Ron Washington's shifty eyes make him a little harder to trust.
• George Washington's military strategy was full of wrinkles to give him an advantage. Ron Washington's face was full of wrinkles, giving him the advantage of a senior discount at Marie Callender's.
• George Washington led American forces to victory in the Revolutionary War. Ron Washington is still  working on leading the American League to a meaningful victory.

Ron Washington, 1989 Donruss

Bob Lemon, 1988 Pacific Baseball Legends

Name: Bob Lemon
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One trip to the HR office
Key 1987 stat: 4,199 stories of hardship told to grandkids
Oh dear: What's the most offensive thing about this card?

A) Bob Lemon's high-riding cuffs. Have you no fashion sense, sir?
B) Bob Lemon's rumpled windbreaker collar
C) Bob Lemon's sour expression
D) Well, just look how off-center the border is! Sheesh!
E) Oh, come on. Do we really have to say anything?

Bob Lemon, 1988 Pacific Baseball Legends

Tom Candiotti, 1989 Fleer

Name: Tom Candiotti
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three pieces of hard "Candi" (barf sounds)
Key 1988 stat: 4,390 children frightened
10 nicknames coined for Tom Candiotti after this card's release:
10) Tommy Eyebrows
9) The (Sour) Candi Man
8) King of Piss-Poor Lighting
7) The Mediocre Mizuno Menace
6) Ol' Greasy Afro
5) The Sinister Indian
4) Cleveland's Creep
3) "That Scary Guy Down the Block"
2) A Human Replica of the Racist Cleveland Indians' Mascot
1) The Shadow

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Tom Candiotti, 1989 Fleer

Phil Niekro, 2001 Topps Archives (1987 Topps)

Name: Phil Niekro
Team: Cleveland Indians
Positions: Old man, pitcher
Value of card: "At least we had values back then, sonny."
Key 1986 stat: Arthritis
We could go on all day: How old was Phil Niekro in this card? Phil Niekro was so old, he napped through the seventh-inning stretch. He was so old, he didn't know there was a New Mexico. He was so old, this was the lowest his belt got all season. He was so old that when he first came up to the bigs, the American League was called the British Colony League. He was so old, if his big-league career was a person, it'd legally be able to drink. He was so old, he called the bullpen car a "horseless carriage."  In fact, Phil Niekro was so old, he didn't need a rosin bag — he needed a colostomy bag.

Phil Niekro, 2001 Topps Archives (1987 Topps)

Cory Snyder, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Cory Snyder
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Much less than you'd need for an arcade game
Key 1988 stat: Hold on, we can't focus
Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start: Sure, Cory Snyder is so ugly he broke the Donruss printing press, causing his portrait to be out of register. But the real story here is the background. We imagine that coming up with varied, colorful backgrounds for a couple dozen cards every year can be challenging, but it looks like Mr. Perez just gave up on this one. It's clearly just a screenshot from "Asteroids." What's next, Cal Ripken Jr. over a scene from "Pitfall"? Edgar Martinez and a background of "Ms. Pac-Man"? John Kruk and "Burger Time"? OK, we could see that one.

Cory Snyder, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Cory Snyder, 1989 Fleer

Name: Cory Snyder
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's laughable
Key 1988 stat: Rugged good looks only enhanced by mullet
Something funny, mister? Sure, Cory Snyder is laughing at us, thinking he's so much better than us and whatnot. But we were curious as to what's written on his glove. A little research shows it's "The Backhander," but here are a few misinterpretations we had:

• The Bartender
• The Back-ender
• The Barksdale
• The Banklender
• The Baconator
• The Cocky S.O.B. Who Needs To Shut His Face If He Wants To Keep His Teeth

Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com

Cory Snyder, 1989 Fleer

Sammy Stewart, 1988 Donruss

Name: Sammy Stewart
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 cent for every cavity
Key 1987 stat: Two tickets to paradise
It's time for a self-reflective pop quiz:

Hey, Sammy, why are you so happy?

(A) "Gee, I just got back from the barber and I love my matching unibrow and mustache."
(B) "I'm trying to look like the Indians' racially insensitive mascot. Thanks for asking, though."
(C) "You won't believe how much fried chicken I just ate. Yum, there's still some in my teeth."
(D) "I'm unaware of the tragic, disgusting turn my life will take in about two years! Yeah!"
(E) "With a name like 'Sammy Stewart,' you just gots to smile!"
(F) All of the above.

Sammy Stewart, 1988 Donruss