Mark Chmura, 1998 Fleer Ultra (Football Friday No. 217)

Name: Mark Chmura
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Tight end
Value of card: Sorry, it went up in smoke
Key 1998 stat: More forearm hair than an orangutan
It's a pop quiz on the frozen tundra: What the heck did Mark Chmura eat?

(A) Dry ice
(B) A bushel of bhut jolokias
(C) One of those foam cheeseheads, covered in Tabasco
(D) The vowel that's supposed to be the third letter of his surname
(E) All of the above

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Mark Chmura, 1998 Fleer Ultra (Football Friday No. 217)

Paul Mirabella, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Paul Mirabella
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A beer with a cigarette butt in it
Key 1988 stat: One shot of Old Grand-Dad for every strikeout — so, not too many shots
Paul Mirabella's train of thought from 11:21 to 11:23 a.m., Sept. 12, 1988: "Guh. Maybe those last six shots of warm gin weren't such a good idea last night. ... Skip better not ask me to pitch today — if I have to take off this jacket, everyone's gonna know I'm wearing the same jersey as yesterday. Of course, now there's a big puke stain on the front of it. And it's not even my own. ... God, I can smell the cherry-flavored vodka coming out of my pores. ... There's probably enough day-old Miller High Life left in my mustache to make it the Champagne of Facial Hair. ... All I want to do is go lay down in the locker room, but that stupid kid Sheffield's in there polishing his gold chains. ... Screw it, that's the last time I play 'I Never' with Yount."

Paul Mirabella, 1989 Upper Deck

Jeff Reed, 1992 Score

Name: Jeff Reed
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Two naps
Key 1991 stat: One gastric bypass surgery
Time for a pop quiz:

What happened to Jeff Reed?

A) That prankster Eric Davis put a bunch of thumb tacks inside his chest protector
B) He just got punched by the Three Joses
C) He's laughing at Chris Sabo's new glasses
D) Too much menudo
E) All of the above

Card contributed by Greg Schindler

Jeff Reed, 1992 Score

Chili Davis, 1993 Fleer

Name: Chili Davis
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: One bowl of chili
Key 1992 stat: 72 cases of heartburn
Pop quiz time:

Why is Chili Davis squatting like that?

A) He's reliving the rape shower he took that morning
B) He's beatboxing like a sucka MC
C) He's coughing up blood after being impaled in the chest by a broken bat
D) He's a designated hitter. What else is he supposed to do? Play defense?
E) Two words: Chili burps

Chili Davis, 1993 Fleer

Tim McIntosh, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Tim "Mylanta" McIntosh

Team: Milwaukee Brewers

Position: Catcher

Value of card: Two Tums

Key 1990 stat: 147 belches in one game

Mylanta's worst niche-marketing radio ad of 1991: "Being a catcher is tough. You spend nine innings squatting, night after night. Foul tips ricochet off your arms, legs, chest and neck. You get spiked on slides into home and have an umpire's junk rubbing on your shoulder for months. If that weren't enough, catchers get indigestion. (A burp is heard, then Mylanta theme music plays for eight seconds.) You're a catcher. You waddle to first base. You eat liverwurst sandwiches. Your thighs are squished like a pack of hot dogs between your shinguards. But that doesn't mean you can't feel good when you're on the diamond. The next time you're feeling bloated behind the plate, put down the sign for Mylanta, your best bet to find relief from heartburn, acid indigestion, sour stomach or gas."

Card submitted by Kate Berezich

Tim McIntosh, 1991 Upper Deck