Cal Ripken Jr. and Alex Rodriguez, 1996 Score Pitcher Perfect

Names: Cal Ripken Jr. and Alex Rodriguez (feat. Randy Johnson)
Teams: Baltimore Orioles and Seattle Mariners
Positions: Shortstops, future third basemen 
Value of card: General confusion
Key 1995 stat: Zero comic books owned, combined
An illustrative pop quiz: We already know that Cal Ripken's superhero alias is The Ripper. What would A-Rod's be?

(A) The Needler
(B) Mr. April
(C) The Slapper
(D) The Disappointment
(E) All of the above

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Cal Ripken Jr. and Alex Rodriguez, 1996 Score Pitcher Perfect

Tiger Woods, 2001 Upper Deck (Christmas Day 2014 Special)

Name: Tiger Woods
Team: Umm, Team Nike?
Position: Golfer
Value of card: Getting your balls in the rough
Key 2001 stat: A much happier Christmas than, say, 2009
Merry Christmas from the Bust: Allow us to present a few Christmas carols influenced by Tiger Woods, the most randy golfer the North Pole ever knew.

• Do You Feel What I Feel?
• The Holly and the Ivy at the Same Time
• O Come, All Ye Unfaithful
• God Rest Ye, Merry Gentleman
• Whose Child Is This?
• Away, in a Stranger

Tiger Woods, 2001 Upper Deck (Christmas Day 2014 Special)

Mo Vaughn, 1998 Score Spring Training

Name: Mo Vaughn
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: 1 cent? It's worth Mo, Mo, Mo (just barely)
Key 1997 stat: 7 minutes spent exercising
Mo Vaughn had a strenuous spring training workout regimen; here are some of his exercises:

• Pick up medicine ball; huck it at teammate whose back is turned.
• Grab 25-pound free weight; fling it through clubhouse window.
• Pick up matching kettle bells; simultaneously bash them upside mascot's head.
• Approach NordicTrack; rip it to pieces.
• Grab Shake Weight; exercise vigorously; choke out teammates making wisecracks.

Mo Vaughn, 1998 Score Spring Training

Jeff Bagwell, 1995 Fleer Pro Vision

Name: Jeff Bagwell
Team: Houston Astros
Position: First base
Value of card: 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... zero
Key 1994 stat: 96 astronauts offended
Here's a literal interpretation of the above masterpiece: Here we see Jeff Bagwell, in all his power-hitting glory, swinging as if to launch a rocket into outer space. The twist? He's hitting an actual rocket, full of tiny astronauts, carrying with it supplies for the International Space Station and the hopes and aspirations of an entire nation. The shuttle, apparently, malfunctioned, and only the mighty Bagwell could set it back on its course for great beyond, on a course for outer space — a true moonshot.

Jeff Bagwell, 1995 Fleer Pro Vision

Brett Smith, 2014 Sage Hit Autographs (Football Friday No. 216)

Name: Brett Smith
Team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 3 ounces of urine
Key 2013 stat: 47 better T-shirt options
Some of the sayings on rookie quarterback Brett Smith's other T-shirts:

• Crap Thunder
• Sweat Profusely
• Chafe Class
• Vomit Virtue
• Pee-Pee Maturity

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Brett Smith, 2014 Sage Hit Autographs (Football Friday No. 216)

Patrick Ewing, 1997 Sports Illustrated for Kids (Halloween Special 2014)

Name: Patrick Ewing
Team: New York Ticks
Positions: Center, monster
Value of card: One bolt in the neck
Key 1997-98 splat: 26 games played
Happy Halloween from the Bust. Here are a few things that Patrick Ewing and the Knicks have in common with Frankenstein:

• Frankenstein's monster shuffled around slowly when walking. Sounds like Patrick Ewing in the late '90s to us.
• Frankenstein's monster was sewn together using parts from stolen from corpses. We're pretty sure Ewing's knees have a similar story.
• "Young Frankenstein" is pretty funny, but not as funny as New York Knicks basketball.
• "Frankenstein" is a horror story, but if you want to scare a Knicks fan, just tell them Isaiah Thomas is taking over as GM again.

Patrick Ewing, 1997 Sports Illustrated for Kids (Halloween Special 2014)

Sterling Sharpe, 1995 Fleer Pro Visions (Football Friday No. 214)

Name: Sterling Sharpe
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 7 shards of glass
Key 1994 stat: 116 cuts
Some explanations for this high-concept (cough, cough) illustration:

• Sharpe is breaking through the glass ceiling after men named Sterling had been held back for decades by people with normal names.
• Sharpe is jumping from space and shattering the sky because, you know, that makes sense.
• Sharpe is on a wicked-awesome trip after mistakenly eating the wrong kind of brownies at a music festival.
• Sharpe is a pawn of an unimaginative artist playing off his last name as an illustrated pun that really doesn't make sense (kind of like the Bust).

Sterling Sharpe, 1995 Fleer Pro Visions (Football Friday No. 214)

Dizzy Trout and Steve Trout, 1985 Topps Father-Son

Names: Dizzy Trout, Steve Trout
Teams: Boston Red Sox, Chicago Cubs
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Ask your father
Key 1984 stat: 14 loving embraces between father and son
It's time for a family-friendly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: 1950s math teacher glasses (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 2: Feathered coif that could feel at home atop the head of a 1980s all-woman pop-rock group (Winner: Steve)
Round 3: Ears that are threatening to take flight (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 4: Symmetrical eyes that don't beg for the nickname "Dizzy" (Winner: Steve)
Round 5: Honor of being immortalized in a work-of-art illustration (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 6: Possibly, maybe, seemingly racist logo on the card (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 7: Fishy last name (Winner: Tie)

Score: Dizzy 4, Steve 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: In a battle between a couple of Trouts, the big fish comes out on top thanks in part to some little weird red dude swinging big lumber with a bigger chin.

Dizzy Trout and Steve Trout, 1985 Topps Father-Son

Ron Kittle, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Ron Kittle
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 3 months of bird crap found inside a sparrow nest
Key 1983 stat: 20/80 vision
Grab your mace: "Hey baby. Come to this parking lot often? Huh-ha. (snort) Huh-ha. No, no, don't back away. I'm not trying to be creepy. I'm not a serial killer or anything. Huh-ha. (snort) Huh-ha. Do you like my panel van over here? It's really nice inside. You should see it some time. Why are you dialing on your phone? I'm not trying to scare you out of your clothes or anything. Huh-ha. (snort) Huh-ha. Do you like my glasses? All the better to see you with, my dear. Wait, why are you running away? I can be the man of your dreams. Don't you want me haunting your dreams? Wait, come back! (Puts rope, large plastic bag and shovel into the back of van.)"

Ron Kittle, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Mark McGwire, 1996 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Mark McGwire

Team: Oakland A's

Position: First base

Value of card: You know those plastic paint palettes that were handed out in first grade? One of those, dried up and broken into three pieces

Key 1995 stat: 74 hours looking directly at you

Don't look away: "Hey you! Yeah, you. It's me, Mark McGwire, and I'm staring you down. I'm here to do one thing: scare you straight. My icy-cold glare is peering deep into your frightened, fraudulent soul. You're a craven, and you need to stand up and be a man. You're terrified of me just as you're terrified of waking up every morning and looking in the mirror. Stare into my dead, baby-blue eyes. Here's the message you need to internalize, the words you must never forget, the simple instructions that will turn you from a quivering coward into a fearless alpha male: Grow a mullet, you spineless jellyfish, and become a man, like McGwire."

Mark McGwire, 1996 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Dave Concepcion, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Dave Concepcion
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 11 flakes of cigarette ash
Key 1983 stat: Zero minutes hanging in a museum
Welcome to Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week: Once again, we'd like to apologize. We've brought you Atrocious Diamond Kings, God-Awful Diamond Kings, Dreadful Diamond Kings, Horrendous Diamond Kings, Disturbing Diamond Kings and Diamond Kings we just had to apologize for. But now, our greatest latest set of Donruss' premier only painted subset: Diamond Kings that are so frightening, they'll haunt your dreams. Enjoy!
Don't fall asleep: You may be getting tired, but we'd stay away from bed. You never know when "Crazy Eyes" Concepcion might be lurking in the shadows, ready to render you unconscious with the chloroform-soaked rag tucked into his batting helmet. Concepcion might have been slick in the field, but he was slicker when covered in the blood of his victims, especially after he wore the "Texas Chainsaw"-style flesh mask pictured above. Consider yourself forewarned: Don't sleep on this Diamond King.

Dave Concepcion, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Mike Piazza, 1998 Score Spring Training

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 11 pieces of burnt pepperoni
Key 1997 stat: 51 Italian food dinners with Tommy Lasorda
Here's how Mike Piazza spent spring training:

• Sculpting his mustache with tweezers.
• Shopping at the Oakley store for only-awesome-in-the-1990s shades.
• Running laps ... around the Vero Beach, Fla., nightclub scene
• Catching more flak than baseballs.
• Spring potty training.

Mike Piazza, 1998 Score Spring Training

Tom Dempsey, 1975 Topps Record Holders (Football Friday No. 207)

Name: Tom Dempsey
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Kicker
Value of card: Even trade for a dirt sandwich
Key 1974 stat: 219 kicks (in the pants)
Some of the records held by Tom Dempsey:

• Most cheeseburgers eaten in a quarter
• Volume of handlebar mustache in a game
• Number of women and children frightened in a season
• Least number of toes vs. most field goals in a career
• Most members of a biker gang mistaken for in a life

Tom Dempsey, 1975 Topps Record Holders (Football Friday No. 207)

Brett Favre, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 4)

Name: Brett Favre
Team: Green Bay Packers
Positions: Quarterback, knight
Value of card: 2 bags of the finest spice (spoiled)
Key 1993 stat: 41 dinners at Medieval Times
Possible names for Brett Favre had he been a knight in the middle ages:

• Sir Brett Plumehead
• Lord Favre of Lambeau
• Knight of the Green-and-Gold
• Grey Beard, Protector of the Cheeseheads
• Brett the Unshaven, First of His Name
• Prince Packer of House Bulge

Brett Favre, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 4)

Drew Bledsoe, 1995 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 3)

Names: Drew Bledsoe, Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor
Teams: New England Patriots, 13 colonies
Positions: Quarterback, infantry
Value of card: 1 Massachusetts pound (no longer in circulation)
Key 1994 stat: Zero times sacked when protected by a guy with a gun
It's time for a revolutionary edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Awesomeness of hat (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 2: Intricacy of uniform (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 3: Manly look on face (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 4: Height (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 5: Courage (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 6: Ability to shoot you in the face (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 7: Ability to shoot dirty Redcoats in the face (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)

Score: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor 7, Drew Bledsoe zero

Synopsis: It was never much of a contest, and who can blame Bledsoe or the judges? The nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor has a big gun and looks like he's ready to squeeze the trigger until it goes "pop ... pop."

Drew Bledsoe, 1995 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 3)

Rick Mirer, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 2)

Name: Rick Mirer
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 2 ounces of seabird excrement
Key 1993 stat: 3 gallons of seawater drank
A stoner explains what's going on with this card: "Dude, pass that, man. Oh, sorry, man. Yeah, yeah. I was just about to start. Yeah. I got it, bro. Jeez. So, you're, like, looking at this guy, Rick Mir-ir-er or something. How do you say his name? Miiii-rer. Miiii-rer. Dude, if you say it slow it's hilarious. So this guy is playing football in the ocean, and his pants are all wet. ... Pass that, man. ... Dude, oh my god, man, my pants are wet, too. Did you spill that bong water on me? Oh, dude, it stinks! Bro, I'm going to barf. Hold on, pass that. ... OK, so this dude is taking a bath with a bird or something and he's looking at me and is all like, 'Hey, dude, why you looking at me take a bath with a bird, bro? That's not cool.' And he's right, man. That's not cool. Those wings are pretty cool. Dude! Great idea. Let's get some hot wings, man!"

Rick Mirer, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 2)

Ken Norton, 1995 Fleer Illustration Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 1)

Name: Ken Norton
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: All the paper-and-ink gems on those paper-and-ink rings
Key 1994 stat: Zero rings worn during games
Welcome to Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week: We really hit the ball out of the park (cough, cough) last year with Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week, so, with football just around the corner, we wanted to take the drug-fueled fun to the gridiron, too. Pack those bowls and grab some buds, we're supplying you with seven days of illustrated football posts only a stoner can appreciate.
Sleep tight, Kenny: Ken Norton was deep in the depths of a dream when he imagined himself dancing among the clouds, muscles flexed, as glittering rings rained down from the heavens. Oh, it was a glorious dream. And this was the song playing:

It's raining rings! Hallelujah!
It's raining rings! Amen!
Ken's gonna go out to run and let myself get
Absolutely soaking wet!
It's raining rings! Hallelujah!
It's raining rings! Ammmmmmeeennnnn!

Ken Norton, 1995 Fleer Illustration Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 1)

Shon Ashley, 1988 California League All-Stars

Name: Shon Ashley
Team: Stockton (Calif.) Ports
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2 NewPorts
Key 1987 stat: 7 days spent in Stockton 1 night
Seattle Mariners' scouting report on minor-league prospect Shon Ashley: "Five-tool player. Of course, one of those tools is a hammer and another is a wrench. ... Minor-league 'stache, big-league arm hair. ... Tough to evaluate anyone in a uniform like that. ... Decent argument to bring him up just to get the poor guy out of Stockton. ... Could distract the pitcher if he actually bats like this. ... Not sure we want anyone on our team who spells 'Shon' like that."

Card submitted by Zach Jones

Shon Ashley, 1988 California League All-Stars

Brad Pounders and Jerald Clark, 1989 Fleer Major League Prospects

Names: Brad Pounders, Jerald Clark
Team: San Diego Padres
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: 3 ounces of sun-burnt moss
Key 1988 stat: 1 double (half a double each)
It's time for a San Diego edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Aggressive tendencies (Winner: Clark)
Round 2: Aggressive last name (Winner: Pounders)
Round 3: Eerie resemblance to Phil Simms (Winner: Pounders)
Round 4: Eerie resemblance to a guy about to whack you in the head with a bat (Winner: Clark)
Round 5: Face as soft as a baby's bottom (Winner: Pounders)
Round 6: Face contorted into a monstrous snarl (Winner: Clark)
Round 7: Winner because we're scared (Winner: Clark)

Score: Clark 4, Pounders 3, Ties 0

Synopsis: These two Padres were locked in a tight race, until the judges here at the Bust ran away out of fear of being knocked upside the head by Clark's bat.

Brad Pounders and Jerald Clark, 1989 Fleer Major League Prospects

Mike Schmidt, 2011 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions

Name: Mike Schmidt
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Third base
Value of card: 70 cents on Amazon (Hurry, only three left in stock!)
Key 2010 stat: Zero (expletives) given about being on a baseball card after retirement
Top 10 things you might not know about this Mike Schmidt card:
10) He had his hair permed for three hours before the shot.
9) That eagle isn't a card accoutrement; Schmidt kept a miniature eagle as a pet.
8) This is hanging in the Louvre.
7) The Phillies dugout featured crisscrossed plywood slats.
6) This is a shot from the original casting session for "Magnum P.I."
5) Until a few days before production, this series was called "Bad-win Champions"
4) That was the Phillies away uniform in 1979.
3) He's holding a contract saying Upper Deck has the right to make him look ridiculous.
2) Upper Deck added "Baseball" to the top-left corner of the card in place of "Orgy."
1) The lower half of his body is in a Jacuzzi.

Mike Schmidt, 2011 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions