Al Davis, 1992 Pro Line Throwbacks (Football Friday No. 225)

Name: Al Davis
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Owner
Value of card: One black hole
Key 1992 stat: Just won seven games, baby
Good ol' Al: Al Davis was definitely proud of his three Super Bowl victories. Here are a few other things he was proud of.

• His all-white wardrobe
• Sunglasses with chains on them
• His chicken-skin
• JaMarcus
• A commitment to excellence*

*Expired in 2002

Al Davis, 1992 Pro Line Throwbacks (Football Friday No. 225)

Mickey Hatcher, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Mickey Hatcher
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Zero new ideas
Key 1990 stat: 13 RBI
We've been here before: In 1991, Upper Deck was still a new brand, full of fresh ideas and energy. That was, until this card got produced. Oh, gee, Mickey Hatcher with a giant glove. How original! Why not go all out and get Glenn Hubbard to pose with a python, ask Jay Johnstone to put on his umbrella hat, and get Jose Canseco to take his shirt off? Yep, this was the moment Upper Deck moved to the cheap seats.

Mickey Hatcher, 1991 Upper Deck

John Henry Johnson, 1982 Topps

Name: John Henry Johnson
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 used hair curlers
Key 1981 stat: 185 hours spent in the salon
It's time for a hair-raising pop quiz:

What was the name for John Henry Johnson's hairdo?

(A) The Short-and-Curlies
(B) Curly Sue 'Do
(C) The Moe, Larry and John Henry
(D) Firm Perm That Will Make You Squirm
(E) All of the above

John Henry Johnson, 1982 Topps

David Klingler, 1992 Pro Lin Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 57)

Name: David Klingler
Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Positions: Quarterback, farmhand
Value of card:  14 blisters on your foot
Key 1992 stat: Earned every bit of that Bust trophy up there in the corner
Ten unfortunate things that happened to David Klingler during this photo shoot:

10) Lighting guy forgot most of his equipment
9) Sacked by a tractor
8) Forced to wear that jacket
7) Cut his hand on his belt buckle
6) Threw an interception to an actual cowboy
5) Threw an interception to a scarecrow
4) Threw an interception to a very dexterous steer
3) Got called "Corporal Klinger" a lot
2) Got grease stains on his new Wranglers
1) His shoot directly followed Boomer Esiason's
 

David Klingler, 1992 Pro Lin Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 57)

Phil Niekro, 1979 Topps

Name: Phil Niekro
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 pounds of wilted lettuce
Key 1978 stat: 1 big-league brother
Here's how Phil Niekro introduced himself in 1979:

• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I'm your garbageman."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I frighten children when I look at them."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I founded Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and you'll see me in your nightmares."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and all that hair is actually coming from my ears."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I like to knuckle things."

Phil Niekro, 1979 Topps

Rusty Kuntz, 1982 Topps

Name: Rusty Kuntz
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One Rusty Kuntz autograph with the last name misspelled
Key 1981 stat: 162 unusually long autograph lines after games
It's autograph time with Bust favorite Rusty Kuntz:

• "Dear Charlie, yes, that's my real name. Ha ha, you're pretty funny."
• "To Sean: No, I've never met Dick Pole. Why do you ask?"
• "For Nick: Yep, it's my real name, honest. Thanks for asking."
• "To Chris: No, I don't have any sisters. But if I did, yes, I'm sure they'd be real Kuntzes."
• "Dear Isaac, yes, my name is really Rusty Kuntz. You people are so original."
• "Richie, this is a pretty nice glove. Maybe I'll just keep it."
• "For Gordon: Yep, that's my real name. Is that your real face, jerkwad?"

Rusty Kuntz, 1982 Topps

Mike Laga, 1986 Topps

Name: Mike Laga
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: First base
Value of card: One busted cinder block
Key 1985 stat: 14 dog turds picked up before taking this photo
Here's what Mike Laga stands for:

Made his name in the Detroit backyard baseball circuit
Isn't actually wearing Tigers team gear, just a hat and jacket he bought at Kmart
Knifed by the homeowner whose property he trespassed on for this photo
Exposed pipes and broken cinder blocks      welcome to Detroit!

Lifetime .199 batting average might help explain this photo
After hitting a ball over that fence, Laga made the photographer go and ask for it back
Garbage: Describes both what's on that lawn and Laga's major-league career
At least he's not wearing pink. Yet.

Mike Laga, 1986 Topps

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Fernando Valenzuela
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 pesos
Key 1988 stat: 2,197 instances of "Fernandomania" (in his own home)
"Fernandomania" spiced up L.A. in the mid-1980s; here are examples of "Fernandomania" in the late 1980s:

• A chicken-legged pitcher performed a one-man line dance on a baseball field.
• The one pair of blue cleats in Los Angeles sold out.
• Nearly eight people in the United States and Mexico started wearing headbands and old-man glasses.
• The Latino Elvis Impersonators gained a member — and two fans. 
• A man in a blue jacket and tight white pants was arrested for leering at women at Dodger Stadium.

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Upper Deck

Burt Grossman, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 53)

Name: Burt Grossman
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: Bupkis
Key 1991 stat: Four pairs of lightning-bolt shorts owned
Burt Grossman's online dating profile circa 1991: 

Screen name: NotSoGrossMan1
Age: 24
Height: 6' 4"
Weight: 270 lbs.
Hair color: San Diego Padre brown
Hairstyle: Behatted
Facial hair: Waxed
Ethnicity: Beach bro
Marital status: Married      to the gridiron
Want children? I would love a little Grossman
Smoke? And ruin this babyface? No way.
Drink? I've done a keg stand before.
Best feature: Thighs

Seeking: Hey laaaaaadies!
Her body type: San Diego
Her ethnicity: Tanned
Her interests: Shorts, smooth skin, not making fun of people's names

About me: Look, ladies, despite my name, I'm the cleanest man you'll ever meet. I don't tolerate a mess in my house      or on my body. Except for what's on top of my head, I'm completely hairless. I feel that this gives me a competitive advantage, both on the field and off. It makes me harder to block, but it also accentuates my muscular legs and the fact that my neck is wider than my forehead. So drop me a line and let's show each other some skin.

Burt Grossman, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 53)

George Seifert, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 52)

Name: George Seifert
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Head coach
Value of card: All the real gold that's in that jacket
Key 1990 stat: 14 early-bird specials
Some of 49ers head coach George Seifert's best plays:

• Gold 7 jacket's buttons hook
• Grey right silver fox square out
• Double pleated pants seam left 
• Solo left 6-gallon hat on three
• Red right gold left blinded by outfit on sight hut hut hike

George Seifert, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 52)

Al Holland, 1981 Fleer

Name: Al Holland
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher (possibly a belly-itcher)
Value of card: 2 cat hairballs
Key 1980 stat: $12,876 annual salary as South San Francisco garbage collector
Gaze upon him: Here we have style maven Al Holland. The talented pitcher set out each day to redefine fashion on the diamond. He eschewed baseball caps, saying men who always wore hair helmets didn't need them. He sewed his own jacket from a tarp that spent two winters covering a wood pile. Why? Because he could. He grew a mustache that frowned for him when reporters questioned his fashion choices. His mutton chops? Epic. They were as thick as most lumberjacks' beards — but who needs a beard with a chin that manly? We salute you, Al Holland. A true style Giant.

Al Holland, 1981 Fleer

Ron LeFlore, 1982 Topps

Name: Ron LeFlore
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 14 dead flowers
Key 1981 stat: One bout of lead poisoning from that necklace
Garbage-time pop quiz: Why is Ron LeFlore dressed like the garbage man?

(A) We don't know, and neither does he, judging by the look on his face.
(B) Hey, he had to do something during the '81 strike.
(C) It's not intentional; he's just allergic to every clothing material except plastic.
(D) It beats wearing those old White Sox uniforms.
(E) None of the above

Ron LeFlore, 1982 Topps

Morten Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 47)

Name: Morten Anderson
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Kicker
Value of card: 10 toenail clippings
Key 1990 stat: 240 hours spent perched on a goal post
Conversation between Pro Line photographer and Morten Anderson, circa 1990:
Pro Line Photographer: "Morten, Morten, will you please come down from there?"
Morten Anderson: "No. No, no, no, no. No!"
PLP: "Morten, please, this is supposed to be a professional photo shoot."
MA: "I don't wanna. I don't have to take some stupid picture if I don't wanna."
PLP: "Morten, this is written into your contract. Please, come down."
MA: "My mom says I don't have to do anything that I don't want to."
PLP: "Morten, this will be quick. Please come down and I'll take a photo and we'll be done. I'll even give you a candy bar."
MA: "Fine, I'll come down. But I'm not putting on any pants or combing my hair."
PLP: "Forget it. (shoots photo) We're done here."
MA: "But you promised me a candy bar!"

Morten Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 47)

Pete Vuckovich, 1984 Topps

Name: Pete Vuckovich
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher, swamp cooler repairman
Value of card: One copy of "Major League" on VHS (with no VCR to play it)
Key 1983 stat: Enough hair to clothe a third-world country
The joke's on us: Dear readers (yes, all eight of you), we owe you an apology. It has come to our attention that early in our run of mediocrity, we passed on to you some bad information. You see, Pete Vuckovich here was featured on the second card we ever posted on this site, and the story that accompanied it, it turns out, was blatantly false. Pete was never a swamp cooler repairman; in fact, his major league career lasted 11 season and he even won the Cy Young! That'll teach us to believe everything we hear from Bob Uecker.

Pete Vuckovich, 1984 Topps

Conrad Dobler, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 203)

Name: Conrad Dobler
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Guard
Value of card: The same as if this card was ripped into tiny pieces
Key 1977 stat: Hair on only three-quarters of scalp
Conrad Dobler's musical train of thought from 9:45 to 9:47 a.m., Oct. 23, 1977: "Mister Trouble never hangs around when he hears this mighty sound: 'Here I come to save the day!' That means that Mighty Conrad's on his way. Yes sir, when there is a wrong to right, Mighty Conrad will join the fight. On the sea or on the land, he gets the situation well in hand. We're not worryin' at all. We're just listenin' for his call. 'Here I come to save the day!' That means that Mighty Conrad's on his way."

Conrad Dobler, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 203)

Tim Stoddard, 1985 Topps

Name: Tim Stoddard
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Depressingly little
Key 1984 stat: Way too excited about playing for the Cubs
What's your favorite color, Tim? The year was 1984, and Tim Stoddard was a man on the move. After helping the Orioles win cheering from the bullpen as the Orioles won the 1983 World Series, Stoddard was twice traded      first to the A's and then to the Chicago Cubs. Rather than being upset about his career upheaval, Stoddard got excited      maybe a little too excited. To show his enthusiasm about being a Cub, Stoddard decided everything about him needed to be blue. He dyed his beard blue, as seen above. He repeatedly tried to wear jeans on the pitching mound. He painted his fingernails. Cubs manager Jim Frey put up with Stoddard's antics      that is, until Frey walked in on Stoddard pulling a Jason Biggs prequel with a warm blueberry pie in the locker room (purely for cosmetic purposes, of course). Stoddard joined the San Diego Padres in 1985.

Tim Stoddard, 1985 Topps

Manny Sanguillen, 1981 Topps

Name: Manny Sanguillen
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A plastic necklace with the number 35 on it
Key 1980 stat: Wore a helmet at all times
Catch this pop quiz: What's Manny "Sangy" Sanguillen doing in the above photo?

(A) Laughing at how much yellow Lee Lacy was wearing, before realizing he'd have to wear the same thing
(B) Yelling at the Topps photographer not to highlight his gaptooth
(C) Yawning after spending another night sleeping in the clubhouse
(D) Singing "Do That to Me One More Time" by The Captain and Tennille
(E) Preparing to catch a ball with his teeth

Manny Sanguillen, 1981 Topps

Denny Martinez, 1982 Topps

Name: Denny Martinez
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 Grand Slam at Denny's
Key 1981 stat: 265 Grand Slams eaten at Denny's by Denny
Denny Martinez's autograph is a bit confusing; here's what it might say:

• Itsa Jesus Party
• Look, jeers patented
• Lardo Chorizo Pastrami
• Latin satin perfection
• Glorious hair helmet of love (in Spanish)
• El Dennis Presidente

Denny Martinez, 1982 Topps

Wichita Wings All-Stars, 1990-91 Pacific MSL (World Cup Week No. 3)

Names: Chico Borja, from left, Dale Ervine, Victor Moreland, and Ron Fearon
Team: Wichita Wings
Positions: Midfielder, forward, defender, and goalkeeper, respectively
Value of card: Four pairs of sweaty short-shorts
Key 1990-91 stat: One all-star game that nobody attended
It's time to see who will get a leg up in this Matchup:

Round 1: Pastiest thighs (Winner: Moreland)
Round 2: Taking part in the leg show despite wearing pants (Winner: Fearon)
Round 3: Jackets that got zipped all the way up: (Winner: Three-way tie)
Round 4: Sexiest mustache (Winner: Borja)
Round 5: Sexiest mullet (Winner: Moreland)
Round 6: Shortest shorts (Winner: Ervine)
Round 7: First name repeated in surname (Winner: Fearon)
Round 8: Wearing a second pair of shorts so we don't accidentally see his ol' onion bag (Winner: Moreland)

Final score: Moreland 3, Fearon 2, Borja 1, Ervine 1 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: This isn't Victor Moreland's first go-round on the Bust, and that experience paid off with a late victory. Some advice to the four of these guys, though: Never pose this way again.

Wichita Wings All-Stars, 1990-91 Pacific MSL (World Cup Week No. 3)

Ed Figueroa, 1981 Topps

Name: Ed Figueroa
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Nada, deep in the heart of Texas
Key 1980 stat: 365 days, zero haircuts
It's time for a Texas-size pop quiz:

Just how rough-and-tumble was Ed Figueroa's life?

(A) He once shot dead eight desperados with a six-shooter.
(B) He once drank three bottles of XXX whiskey, and then peed into a bottle, and then drank from that bottle of what had become XXXX whiskey.
(C) He once smoked a thick cigar, chewed a can of tobacco and smoked a pack of nonfiltered cigarettes — and then he woke up.
(D) He once rode the meanest bucking bull in three states for eight minutes; they were later married.
(E) All of the above.

Ed Figueroa, 1981 Topps