Juan Gonzalez, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: juan GONZALEZ
Team: texas RANGERS
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Anger hotter than the fire of a thousand suns
Key 1994 stat: No love lost
It's a collector's choice pop quiz: What did Reggie Jackson say to torque off Juan Gone?

A) Reggie asked why Juan put so much eye black on his lip.
B) Reggie asked if Juan realized that there would be photographers around.
C) Reggie told Juan he had a nice swing      and then asked if Juan's husband played.
D) Mr. October said Juan reminded him of Miss November.
E) None of the above. Juan just didn't like anybody.

Juan Gonzalez, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Benny Santiago, 1991 Topps

Name: Benny Santiago
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 2 ounces of baseline chalk
Key 1990 stat: 3 pounds of mustache hair
Top 10 things Benny Santiago could be looking at:
10) A seagull about to deposit a lil' somethin' somethin' on his forehead.
9) Tony Gwynn floating above Jack Murphy Stadium.
8) A scoreboard showing, unsurprisingly, that the Padres were trailing.
7) He's not looking at the sky; he's in the middle of an interpretive dance routine.
6) The lights of the Goodyear blimp, and it read Benny Santiago's a pimp.
5) His soul escaping out of embarrassment after he agreed to pose for this card.
4) The San Diego Chicken taking his job a little too seriously.
3) A popup ... that's now on the ground.
2) The jheri curl mullet juice that flew into the air when Santiago whipped off his mask.
1) A self-satisfied Topps photographer balancing on a ladder.

Benny Santiago, 1991 Topps

Rowland Office, 1982 Topps

Name: Rowland Office
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Even trade for one ticket to "Airplane II: The Sequel" in 1982
Key 1981 stat: Zero attempts to speak French in Montreal
10 things you'll find in Rowland's Office:
10) A stapler for clasping the top of his jersey
9) A ruler, in inches, for measuring things in metric
8) Rubber cement, in case he ran out of Soul Glo
7) A lamp for making sure everyone saw his jheri curl glisten
6) A computer, circa 1982, for doing not much not very fast
5) Tape for attaching his hat to his hair so it wouldn't fly off
4) A keyboard, not for typing, but for playing sweet jams
3) A dictionary, for looking up the three regular words that make up his name
2) Scissors for not cutting his hair
1) A vibrating pen

Rowland Office, 1982 Topps

Sammy Sosa, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Sammy Sosa
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Libido
Key 1990 stat: Almost had a mustache
Sammy Sosa's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: Slammy21
Age: 23
Height: 6' 0" (6' 2" if you count the Jheri curl)
Weight: 155, though I've been looking into supplements
Hair: Curly and fabulous
Ethnicity: South Side
Religious views: Jobu
Marital status: Hoping to go from single to double
Want children? My mother says I do
Best feature: Old-timey uniform
Smoke? I prefer injections
Drink? Soul Glo, once, by accident

Seeking: A baseball
Location: In my hand
Her body type: Round
Her ethnicity: White
Her best feature: Seams

About me: Are you a baseball? If so, I wish to show you the Dominican caress. I wish to hold you in my palm, rub your soft, white leather, tilt my hat sideways and stare seductively into your seams. I wish to make you sweet promises about how we will melt into one another and how my mustache will someday fill in. I wish to dress as though it is 1913 and take you for a carriage ride, after which I will ask your equipment manager for permission to wed you. I wish for you, baseball. I wish for you.

Sammy Sosa, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Ivan Calderon, 1988 Topps

Name: Ivan Calderon
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Three pieces of discarded rubber
Key 1987 stat: 212 times called "Ivan the Terrible" by the Chicago media when he was in a slump
Time for a Windy City pop quiz:

What the hell is Ivan Calderon wearing under his mesh jersey?

(A) The garbage bag usually used to store the team's soiled jockstraps
(B) A new, improved mesh — without any holes
(C) The Batsuit
(D) He's not wearing anything; that's body hair less ridiculous than what's on his face
(E) None of the above

Ivan Calderon, 1988 Topps

Kevin Mitchell, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Kevin Mitchell
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The plaque scraped off Mitchell's gold tooth
Key 1989 stat: One catch that proved Mitchell was a man's man
10 awesome things that make this illustration awesomely horrendous:
10) The turtleneck reaching up the neck and to the heavens
9) The "Three Musketeers" facial hair
8) The wrapping paper background
7) The Jackson Pollock border
6) The Chin of Chins
5) The rarely-seen-in-nature jheri-curl man mullet
4) The finest gold tooth in all of the greater Bay Area
3) Mini-Mitchell
2) Big Mitchell
1) Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell and Mitchell

Kevin Mitchell, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Ron Washington, 1989 Donruss

Name: Ron Washington
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Less than a 1-cent stamp
Key 1988 stat: 2,902,571 curls in hair
Fun facts about former Indians infielder and current Rangers manager Ron Washington and first president of the U.S. George Washington:

• George Washington was said to have teeth made out of wood. Ron Washington's mustache was made out of suede.
• George Washington wore a powdered wig. Ron Washington wore a Halloween fright wig in this photo.
• As a boy, George Washington chopped down his father's cherry tree. Ron Washington rarely made such solid contact with his swing.
  
• After cutting down the cherry tree, George Washington reportedly said to his father, "I cannot tell a lie." Ron Washington's shifty eyes make him a little harder to trust.
• George Washington's military strategy was full of wrinkles to give him an advantage. Ron Washington's face was full of wrinkles, giving him the advantage of a senior discount at Marie Callender's.
• George Washington led American forces to victory in the Revolutionary War. Ron Washington is still  working on leading the American League to a meaningful victory.

Ron Washington, 1989 Donruss

George Bell, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 41)

Name: George Bell
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Barbershop floor sweepings
Key 1991 stat: Uncomfortable all year
One size does not fit all: George "Jorge" Bell became a free agent after the 1990 season. The slugger had spent his entire career in Toronto, smashing home runs and selling Soul Glo out of the trunk of his car, but he felt the time was right to play in the U.S., and in the National League. The Chicago Cubs offered him an impressive deal, and Bell was on board. Unfortunately for him, he did not read the fine print of his contract, which stated that he must wear a size 5 1/2 hat all season. Bell's Jheri curl fro spent the first half of the year bursting forth from the tiny cap, and the hat itself fell off whenever he made any sudden movements. Bell eventually gave up and just painted a large, red "C" on the front of his hairdo; the small hat was eaten by a goat.

George Bell, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 41)

U L Washington, 1982 Donruss

Name: U L Washington
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Zero Washingtons
Key 1981 stat: Two initials, no periods
Time for a jheri curl juice-soaked pop quiz:

So, what does "U L" stand for?

(A) Ugly Leroy
(B) Umbilical Lord
(C) Unseemly Locks
(D) Unadulterated Lovemaker
(E) Wait, does that say: U L Washington SS? What is that, the name of a battleship?
(F) None of the above

U L Washington, 1982 Donruss

Tony Scott, 1982 Donruss

 
Name: Tony Scott
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One afro's worth of jheri juice, squeezed into a rusty coffee can, left in the sun for a day
Key 1981 stat: One hairstyle trademark
Introducing ... The GreatScott®: Only the brightest fashion stars in the baseball universe can lay claim to coining their own signature hairstyle. Of course, no one can forget The Greasy Earmuffs® or The SaberMullet®, two all-time classics, but few have moved from the head to the handlebars, and no one did it better than the man they called Tony Scott, who, well, really didn't look like a "Tony Scott." This mediocre early-1980s Astros outfielder brought the world The GreatScott®, in all its shining, dripping glory. Scott took a hairstyle and facial hair and made them one. He married afro with mustache, and then introduced lambchops to the relationship, creating a menage a trois of hair that had no heir apparent. Women wanted him; Southern Civil War generals wanted to be him. His resemblance to a certain mouse could have gotten him free rides at Disneyland but, because of The GreatScott®, he could get into The Blue Oyster Bar and dance the night away. The GreatScott®, you'd have to be some kind of an Astro to walk around with this thing.

Tony Scott, 1982 Donruss

Juan Guzman, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Juan Guzman
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A chipped tooth
Key 1991 stat: One white T-shirt washed 75,000 times
What the heck? 

Why is Juan Guzman making that face?

A) He just got some Jheri curl juice in his mouth
B) Joe Carter's tickling him, that sneaky devil.
C) He ate some of Dave Winfield's chili about an hour ago, and the trainer doesn't have any Pepto.
D) He's so proud of stupid Canada's superior health care system that he's showing off his latest dentistry work.
E) Duh, it's a photo. He's saying "Cheese!"

Juan Guzman, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Ivan Calderon, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 15)

Name: Ivan Calderon

Team: Montreal Expos

Position: Left field

Value of card: 22 (not sure of what, maybe pieces of cat crap?)

Key 1990 stat: 5-inch-high flattop-afro-jheri curl combo

10 things Ivan Calderon's "22" earring may stand for:

10) The number of inches down his shirt his V-neck ends.

9) The degree to which his left eye is off-center when compared with his right eye.

8) Pounds of hair above his neck.

7) The weight of his neck rolls, in kilograms.

6) Hours, in a given day, he spends perfecting his flattop-afro-jheri curl combo.

5) The rank of his beard on the Studio Beard Top 50 List of 1991.

4) The number of consecutive minutes spent staring at the camera during this photo shoot.

3) Days' worth of collected earwax it took to create the earring.

2) The circumference, in nautical miles, of his head.

1) A catch.

Ivan Calderon, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 15)

Ramon Martinez, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 13)

Name: Ramon Martinez
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two ounces of forearm sweat
Key 1990 stat: All buttons buttoned
The only 10 things we could find that are more hairy than Ramon Martinez's arms:
10) A lion's mane
9) Bigfoot
8) Bigfoot wearing a mohair sweater
7) St. Bernards
6) Oscar Gamble
5) Our shower drain
4) Bruce Sutter's chin
3) Jo-Jo the dog-faced boy
2) John Franco's mother
1) Ramon Martinez's back

Ramon Martinez, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 13)

Pascual Perez, 1990 Fleer

Name: Pascual Perez
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The cold feeling of rejection
Key 1989 stat: Zero autographs given
It's a Pascual Perez Pop Quiz!

How come nobody's asking Pascual for an autograph?

A) Because he insists on signing items with a pen filled with hair gel.
B) Because the Expos never actually had any fans.
C) Because his mom only has so many things for him to sign.
D) Because he stunk — and not just on the mound.
E) All of the above.

Pascual Perez, 1990 Fleer

Deion Sanders, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Deion Sanders

Team: New York Yankees

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Two 12-ounce cups filled with sweat, jheri curl juice and hair

Key 1989 stat: 11 interceptions

Yankees' scouting report on rookie Deion Sanders: "He has speed, good hands, a great vertical leap, but no baseball skills. Perfect. ... Can play center field, right field or Jazzercise instructor. ... Every time he catches a fly ball, he returns it across the field. ... Pretty soft-spoken kid who could probably use a little flamboyance. ... Doesn't need a batting helmet; his hair will do just fine. ... Plays decent in daytime, but could flourish in prime time. ... Big-league jheri curl, bush-league mustache. ... Plays better defense when ball is oblong and painted brown."

Deion Sanders, 1990 Upper Deck

Luis Delos Santos and Jim Campbell, 1989 Fleer

Names: Luis Delos (not "de los," mind you) Santos, Jim Campbell

Team: Kansas City Royals

Positions: Infielder, relief pitcher, respectively

Value of card: 1 cent for each bust

Key 1988 stats: Between the two of them, none

It's time for a gutter-trash version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Nose size (Winner: Santos)

Round 2: Beer gut potential (Winner: Campbell)

Round 3: Biggest necklace knot (Winner: Santos)

Round 4: Mullet flair (Winner: Campbell)

Round 5: Rape stare (Winner: Santos)

Round 6: Mustache hygiene (Winner: Campbell)

Round 7: Hair juice accumulated, one day (Winner: Santos)

Score: Santos 4, Campbell 3

Synopsis: Back and forth, back and forth. So it was in this epic Matchup between two Royals prospects who seemed to be in a race to decide who could flame out the fastest. In the end, Santos and his cheap, tangled jewelry proved that jheri curl can upset an unkempt mullet at the drop of a hat.

Luis Delos Santos and Jim Campbell, 1989 Fleer

Sergio Valdez, 1990 Topps

Name: Sergio Valdez

Team: Atlanta Braves

Positions: Relief pitcher, troublemaker

Value of card: The change Sergio Valdez just stole from your pocket

Key 1989 stat: 982 mischievous acts

Time for another pop quiz:

Why does Sergio Valdez looks so mischievous?

(A) He stole his own eyebrows and attached them above his lip.

(B) He's not wearing a hat; he persuaded the Topps people to cover up his jheri curl.

(C) See those trees behind him? Yeah, he did it with them.

(D) He's responsible for the Valdez oil spill.

(E) All of the above.

Sergio Valdez, 1990 Topps

Harold Reynolds, 1989 Fleer

Name: Harold Reynolds

Team: Seattle Mariners

Position: Second base

Value of card: A princely sum

Key 1990 stat: One search for love in an unfamiliar land

Coming to Seattle: Harold Reynolds, then named Akeem Joffer, the prince and heir to the throne of Zamunda, isn't content with his pampered life and royal bathers. Akeem concocts a plan to travel to America in search of love after his parents, the king and queen of the African nation, present him with a bride-to-be trained to obey his every command. Akeem and his servant, Semmi, arrive in Seattle, and take up residence at a rat-infested apartment. Akeem wants to hide their wealth, so he leaves behind all his possessions and takes the name "Harold." But he can't completely let go of Zamunda and his royal life. After much soul-searching, Akeem begins wearing a wristband with the word "prince" stitched across it, but otherwise he hides his connection to the throne. After about 20 minutes, Akeem and Semmi find jobs with the locally owned baseball franchise, and Akeem soon falls in love with the owner's daughter, an ambitious woman dating one of the doctors from "ER." From there, hilarity ensues, including when Akeem pretends to be a handful of people, including a barber and a testy elderly man. Near the end of his time in Seattle, a Soul Glo worker finds out Akeem's secret because of the wristband, forcing the prince to leave Seattle for another role.

Harold Reynolds, 1989 Fleer

Jorge Bell, 1986 Topps

Name: Jorge "George" Bell
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One used blue jay nest
Key 1985 stat: 162 naps
Catching some Z's: After hearing reports that Ken Griffey Jr. missed a pinch-hit appearance because he was sleeping in the clubhouse, we here at the Bust were perplexed. What's the big deal? Jorge Bell used to sleep all the time during games. Here we see him shortly after being roused from a nap on the dugout bench, hat askew, sleep crust still in his eyes. Sure, he was diagnosed with narcolepsy after passing out in left field in 1988, but that was just a technicality. With as much work as he put into his Jheri curl, he had to get at least 10 hours of shuteye a day just to battle the exhaustion.

Jorge Bell, 1986 Topps

Pascual Perez, 1990 Bowman

Name: Pascual Perez

Team: New York Yankees

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: A smile so bright

Key 1989 stat: 1,000 things to be happy about

It's time for another pop quiz:

Why is Pascual Perez smiling?

(A) The fake gold from his incisor is seeping into his brain

(B) That's not a jacket he's wearing; it's a full body suit, and the zipper goes all the way down

(C) He's stoned out of his mind, hence the alternate reality behind him

(D) He's part of the Jheri Curl All-Stars

(E) It feels good to be handsome

(F) All of the above

Pascual Perez, 1990 Bowman