Joe Carter, 1990 Bowman

Name: Joe Carter
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Er, um, er, um, I'm not sure; why are you asking?
Key 1989 stat: 220 hours of therapy to cure anxiety disorder
Time for an anxiety-ridden pop quiz:

Why is Joe Carter so worried?

(A) He's concerned Mr. Franklin will show up and retrieve his batting glove.
(B) He's agonizing over what he'll look like with those ridiculous flip glasses on his face.
(C) He's troubled by the pigeon that just took a bite out of his ear.
(D) He's disturbed about possibly, just possibly, being featured on a baseball card in the most unimaginative set of all time.
(E) All of the above.

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Joe Carter, 1990 Bowman

Joe Carter, 1988 Donruss Baseball's Best

Name: Joe Carter
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Five bats
Key 1989 stat: 162 theft charges
Playing dirty: The 1987 Cleveland Indians were terrible. At 61-101, they only added to the stink in Cleveland. The team would have caused its fans to drown themselves in the Cuyahoga River — if it hadn't already been on fire. Interim manager Doc Edwards realized he had to do something to even the playing field. Steroids didn't work. Spitballs didn't either. Edwards was forced to resort to stealing — stealing bases, stealing signs, even stealing the opposition's equipment. Above we see big, bruising Joe Carter making off with a handful of bats from the Minnesota Twins' dugout. By gametime, Cleveland's opponent often was forced to make an emergency run to Big 5 Sporting Goods just to have enough cleats and jocks to take the field. It made no difference; the Indians were still terrible, and Edwards was sentenced to community service at season's end. And a remorseful Carter spent the rest of his career treating other players like they were his own children.

Bonus: You gotta love the shorts-and-fanny-pack combo on the guy climbing the stairs in the background.

Joe Carter, 1988 Donruss Baseball's Best

Joe Carter and Mark McGwire, 1993 Upper Deck (Teammates Checklist)

Names: Joe Carter, Mark McGwire
Teams: Toronto Blue Jays, Oakland A's
Positions: First base (McGwire); Outfield, team mom (Carter)
Value of card: One sippy cup
Key 1992 stat: 1,302 boogers wiped off (Carter only)
I do and do and do for you kids: Joe Carter is a World Series hero and a five-time All-Star, but in 1992, his biological clock was ticking. Much to the chagrin of his teammates and to the hilarity of the sports media, Carter began mothering the rest of the Blue Jays. Starting in spring training, the Jays would walk into their clubhouse and find packed lunches in their lockers. Carter would pace the room, wiping off dirt from David Wells' face with a saliva-moistened Kleenex, yelling at Jack Morris to pick up after himself and encouraging wildman Tom Henke to find himself a nice girl and settle down already. He grounded Roberto Alomar for missing curfew the night before a big series against the Yankees. He even acted as clubhouse matron during the All-Star Game. In this photo, Carter is seen wiping a stray booger off All-Star teammate Mark McGwire's nose while handing him a cup of homemade lemonade. Annoyed by the man's unconditional love, the Blue Jays could come up with one solution: They pooled together enough money to buy a black-market Salvadorian orphan named Enrique and left him on Carter's doorstep one August night. And while they were happy to no longer have the man they had come to call "Joe Mama" on their case all the time, the locker room seemed a little emptier without Carter's peanut butter cookies.

Joe Carter and Mark McGwire, 1993 Upper Deck (Teammates Checklist)