Rick Hirtensteiner, 1992 Bowman Foil

Name: Rick Hirtensteiner
Team: California Angels
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: All the gold foil left in the abandoned Bowman factory
Key 1991 stat: Nine seasons before syndication
Rick Hirtensteiner could be Jerry Seinfeld's twin brother; here are some of Hirtensteiner's jokes from his critically panned standup routine:

• What's the deal with gold foil? I mean, I thought foil was supposed to be silver. We're not in a competition. This isn't the Olympics. Silver foil should be fine. It's fine.
• What's the deal with those little buttons on shirt collars? You never unbutton them. They're smaller than the other buttons. Do they have button envy? Do they sit in bed and think, "One day, I'll be on the front of the shirt, where I'll serve a real purpose in life?" I mean, c' ... mon.
• What's the deal with Sears portraits? I mean, what, you're buying a fridge or a chain saw and a light bulb in the light bulb department goes on, and you're like, "I need a cheesy photo of myself against a sky-blue background to hand out to all my friends." No one does that. (shakes head) Who does that? 
• What's the deal with baseball cards? I mean, they're thin pieces of cardboard, with men on them. So other men want to collect pictures of men they don't know? You wouldn't see a man collecting pictures of doctors or engineers. No one wants tiny rectangular pictures of doctors, so why do they want tiny rectangular pictures of athletes? I mean, let's get serious people.

Rick Hirtensteiner, 1992 Bowman Foil

Dmitri Young, 2008 Bowman (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 6)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: Washington Nationals
Position: First base
Value of card: The jelly from a jelly doughnut, spilled on the floor
Key 2007 stat: Led the league in table muscle
Weight for it: There's no denying that toward the end of his career, Dmitri Young started carrying a few extra pounds. In fact, he was such a nice guy, he even carried his teammates' extra pounds, too. But that didn't hamper his 2007 season. Dmitri hit .320 (at least 40 points better than his weight), scored 57 runs (frightened catchers often refused to block the plate) and even recorded a triple. No, not a triple bypass      an actual triple! Those 13 homers he hit were just gravy. Mmm, gravy. So hats off to you, Dmitri Young, for putting the "ton" in "Washington Nationals."

Dmitri Young, 2008 Bowman (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 6)

Lee Tinsley, 1996 Upper Deck

Name: Lee Tinsley
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A five-second TV delay
Key 1995 stat: One evil twin
Hilarity ensues:
Q: How many Lee Tinsleys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one — he's had a lot of practice at his job at the hardware store since he flunked out of baseball.

Lee Tinsley, 1996 Upper Deck

Ken Griffey Jr., 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Ken Griffey Jr.
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Your glasses from 20 years ago
Key 1991 stat: A whole mess of home runs
An unsatisfying punchline:

Q: How many Kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We're not sure. The first two got off to a great start, but the third one keeps getting hurt.

Ken Griffey Jr., 1992 Upper Deck

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: Oakland Athletics
Position: Outfield, outfield, outfield
Value of card: Three. That's it, just three.
Key 1990 stat: Real fast
Here's a good one:

Q: How many Rickey Hendersons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Rickey doesn't think you should care, because when Rickey's done with it, it's gonna be the greatest light bulb of all time.

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 19)

Name: Kirby Puckett
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A stained child's sweater
Key 1990 stat: One tiny strike zone
Last to know it's raining: We all know Kirby Puckett was short, but how short was he really?

• He was so short, he could play handball off second base.
• He was so short, his cleats had lifts.
• He was so short, he broke his leg jumping off the toilet.
• He was so short, he had to reach up to tie his shoes.
• He was so short, he used a ladder to get out of the dugout.
• Kirby Puckett was so short, he posed for his own trophies. 

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 19)

Jerry Garvin, 1980 Topps

Name: Jerry Garvin
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One curly blond hair of indeterminate origin
Key 1979 stat: 472,089 steps sat on
Play that funky music white boy: It's pretty obvious Jerry Garvin is a towhead. But just how white is he?

• Jerry Garvin's so white, he's his own night light.
• He's so white, when he wasn't pitching, he was being used as third base.
• He's so white, he got a sunburn standing in front of the TV
• He's so white, he blinded half the locker room when he took off his shirt.
• He's so white, he couldn't even jump to a conclusion.
• He's so white, that's not a bandage on his middle finger, the finger's just swollen.
• Jerry Garvin's so white, Canadians urged him to get a tan.

Jerry Garvin, 1980 Topps

Willie McGee, 1984 Donruss

Name: Willie McGee
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A fall from the ugly tree
Key 1983 stat: Yet to reach full ugliness
Good lord, man: Everyone knows how Willie McGee stole so many bases: He was so ugly, his face slowed down time. But how ugly was he, really?

• Willie McGee was so ugly, when he tried to join an ugly contest, they told him, "Sorry, no professionals."
• He was so ugly, his teammates used his face for batting practice.
• He was so ugly, MLB made him wear a catcher's mask in center field.
• He was so ugly, his wife came to work with him so she didn't have to kiss him goodbye.
• He was so ugly, his face was scored as an error.
• He was so ugly, that when he sat in sand, cats tried to bury him.
• Willie McGee was so ugly, he got suspended for looking at the umpire.

Willie McGee, 1984 Donruss

David Wells, 1995 Topps

Name: David Wells
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Big fat pitcher
Value of card: 12 Twinkie wrappers
Key 1994 stat: 90 pounds of table muscle
One hefty lefty: How fat was David Wells?

• David Wells was so fat, he could cover first base from the pitcher's mound.
• He was so fat, he put food on home plate.
• He was so fat, all Detroit restaurants had a sign that said "Maximum occupancy: 240 or David Wells."
• He was so fat, he made Cecil Fielder feel better about himself.
• He was so fat, he ate batting doughnuts.
• He was so fat, he had seventh-inning stretch marks.
• David Wells was so fat, this is actually two cards.

David Wells, 1995 Topps

Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Four used sock stirrups
Key 1991 stat: One needle-marked backside
Yuk, yuk, yuk: How many Jose Cansecos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb, one to inject the bulb-changer with "supplements" and one to write a tell-all book about how he and every other bulb-changer were on said "supplements."

Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck

Joe Montana, 1991 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 73)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Three used athletic supporters
Key 1990 stat: One flawless motion
Stop us if you've heard this one:
Q: How many Joe Montanas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: No one knows, because Montana always played lights-out.

Joe Montana, 1991 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 73)

Lance Parrish, 1996 Upper Deck Young at Heart

Name: Lance Parrish
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A handful of spilled Metamucil
Key 1995 stat: Two bad knees
Lies, damn lies and Lance Parrish: This card says Lance Parrish was young at heart in 1995. But how old was he, really?

• Lance Parrish was so old, his first box score was in Roman numerals
• Lance Parrish was so old, when he went to school, there was no history class
• Lance Parrish was so old, he played catch with Jesus
• Lance Parrish was so old, his first mitt was made of dinosaur hide
• Lance Parrish was so old, his birth certificate said "Expired"
• Lance Parrish was so old, he offered constructive criticism to Abner Doubleday
• Lance Parrish was so old, he used to clock pitches with a sundial

Lance Parrish, 1996 Upper Deck Young at Heart

Nolan Ryan, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Ace
Value of card: One clump of dog hair
Key 1988 stat: 300 mph
Stop us if you've heard this one before:

Q: How many Nolan Ryans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: More than it takes to beat the crud out of Robin Ventura.

Nolan Ryan, 1989 Upper Deck

Ron Hassey, 1989 Topps

Name: Ron Hassey
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Duh.
Key 1988 stat: 42 IQ points
A change of pace for the Bust — some humor:

• Ron Hassey was so dumb, someone told him Christmas was around the corner and he went looking for it.
• Ron Hassey was so dumb, when he got the steal sign, he grabbed the first baseman's glove.
• Ron Hassey was so dumb, he tripped over a cordless phone.
• Ron Hassey was so dumb, he stole a free sample.
• Ron Hassey was so dumb, he shook off the pitcher.
• Ron Hassey was so dumb, he thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
• Ron Hassey was so dumb, it took him two hours to watch "60 Minutes."
• Ron Hassey was so dumb, when he hit a home run, he actually ran home.

Ron Hassey, 1989 Topps