Juan Gonzalez, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: juan GONZALEZ
Team: texas RANGERS
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Anger hotter than the fire of a thousand suns
Key 1994 stat: No love lost
It's a collector's choice pop quiz: What did Reggie Jackson say to torque off Juan Gone?

A) Reggie asked why Juan put so much eye black on his lip.
B) Reggie asked if Juan realized that there would be photographers around.
C) Reggie told Juan he had a nice swing      and then asked if Juan's husband played.
D) Mr. October said Juan reminded him of Miss November.
E) None of the above. Juan just didn't like anybody.

Juan Gonzalez, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Latin Stars, 1993 Upper Deck

Names: Rafael Palmerio, from left, Juan Gonzalez, Jose Canseco, Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: First base, left field, right field and catcher, respectively
Value of card: Four empty vials
Key 1992 stat: Blue belts for everybody!
Four Latin stars enter (sorry, Julio Franco), only one can win in this Matchup:

Round 1: Embarrassing lack of facial hair (Winner: Canseco)
Round 2: Embarrassing lack of mullet (Winner: Rodriguez)
Round 3: Fondness for wristbands (Winner: Canseco)
Round 4: Gently caressing another player's neck (Winner: Gonzalez)
Round 5: Smugness (Winner: Canseco)
Round 6: Crossing the streams (Winner: Tie between Palmeiro and Rodriguez)
Round 7: Biding his time before ratting out his teammates (Winner: Canseco)

Bonus round: More prescient advertising slogan on the billboards in the back (Winner: "The Formula of the Future")

Final score: Canseco 4, Rodriguez 1, Gonzalez 1, Palmeiro 0 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: All of these guys were accused of playing dirty at some point, but it was Canseco who outmuscled the competition on his way to victory. His tell-all book about this Matchup should be coming out any day now.

Latin Stars, 1993 Upper Deck

Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 7)

Name: Juan Gonzalez
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A rusted spur
Key 1993 stat: 10-gallon hat
Of course this is a baseball card: We've seen a lot of really weird stuff this week, but this card may take the cake. Calling this "art" may be a bit of a stretch, but here's our artistic interpretation of what's going on here. Juan Gone's gigantic blue hat likely represents his talent, further indicated by the big red "T" on it. The branding iron he's brandishing as a bat is symbolic of the fire and intensity with which he played the game. His mullet represents his belief that "business up front, party in the back" wasn't just a haircut, it was a way of life. The fleeing little chocolate horses and cowboys represent his hunger to dominate opponents, win a World Series and eat chocolate. His fringed cowboy batting gloves aren't really symbolic of anything      they're just stylish. And his shirt-ripping biceps? Hmm, what could they indicate?

Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 7)

Future Heroes Checklist, 1993 Upper Deck

Names: Frank Thomas, Ken Griffey Jr., Roger Clemens, Roberto Alomar, Barry Bonds, Kirby Puckett, Mark McGwire, Juan Gonzalez
Teams: Chicago White Sox, Seattle Mariners, Boston Red Sox, Toronto Blue Jays, San Francisco Giants, Minnesota Twins, Oakland A's, Texas Rangers
Positions: First base, outfield, pitcher, second base, outfield, outfield, first base, outfield
Value of card: More bad than good
Key 1993 stat: Too many players on one baseball card
Heroes vs. zeros: In 1993, Upper Deck produced a subset called "Future Heroes" with cards featuring eight individual players, plus the above frightening checklist. These guys were among the best in baseball at the time, but did they pan out as heroes? Let's break it down.

Frank Thomas
The Good: .301 career batting average, 521 home runs. ... Was a South Side staple for 16 years. ... Advocated for drug testing in baseball as early as 1995. ... Had a video game named after him. ... Infectious smile. ... Awesome nickname. ... Hall-of-Fame lock.
The Bad: Video game wasn't all that great. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, he was a ladies' man and played with explosives in his bat. ... Sour end to his time with the White Sox. ... That's pretty much it.
Verdict: Hero

Ken Griffey Jr.
The Good: .284 career batting average, 630 home runs. ... Some of the most spectacular defensive plays you'll ever see. ... Made the Mariners relevant. ... Drove up interest among young people in baseball (until the strike, that is). ... Released a series of wines to help fund charities. ... Had a series of video games named after him. ... Pretty good nickname. ... Hall-of-Fame lock.
The Bad: Again, video games left something to be desired. ... Could have been the all-time home run king if not for all those injuries. ... Trade to the Reds stunned fans in Seattle and across the nation. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, posed for a quasi-adult magazine and starred in a mind-numbing TV show. ... Looks kind of shady on this card.
Verdict: Hero

Roger Clemens
The Good: 354 wins, 4,672 strikeouts, career 3.12 ERA. ... Hmm, we'll have to get back to you on the rest.
The Bad: Steroid accusations, adultery accusations, throwing-a-bat-at-Mike-Piazza accusations. ... Completely torqued off at least two fan bases (Boston and Toronto). ... Once threw at his own son in a game.
Verdict: Zero

Roberto Alomar
The Good: .300 career batting average, 474 stolen bases, 210 home runs. ... Hall of Famer. ... Able to survive long winter nights in Canada.
The Bad: Spat in an umpire's face. ... Accused by two women, including his wife, of not telling them he had HIV. ... Made his brother play catcher all the time.
Verdict: Zero

Barry Bonds
The Good: .298 career batting average, 762 home runs, 514 stolen bases. ... While in San Francisco, his head grew large enough to shade his teammates at third base and shortstop, which is pretty nice.
The Bad: Steroids-palooza. ... Not exactly well-regarded by teammates, media, fans, children, dogs and four out of five dentists. ... Convicted of obstructing justice (and not David, either). ... According to Baseball Card Bust, was a career criminal.
Verdict: Zero

Kirby Puckett
The Good: .318 career batting average and one of the most memorable World Series home runs. ... Excelled as a big-leaguer despite being only 4-foot-2. ... Known for community service (other than keeping area restaurants in business). ... Beloved by Twins fans. ... Hall of Famer. ... Name was Kirby.
The Bad: According to Baseball Card Bust, became addicted to billiards and bad sweaters. ... Accused of abusing women who weren't Marge Schott. ... After retirement, couldn't stop eating, which contributed to his early death.
Verdict: Inconclusive

Mark McGwire
The Good: 583 career home runs, including a then-record-breaking 70 in 1998 that helped baseball recover from the strike scandal. ... One of the most storied mullets in all of professional sports history (see the above card for proof). ... Survived a massive earthquake by playing baseball. ... Appears to be depicted as one of the guys from Metallica on this card. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, was more patriotic than Uncle Sam and George Washington combined.
The Bad: Steroids, steroids, steroids. ... Spent time with Jose Canseco. ... Undid all that good work helping baseball recover from one scandal by starting another.
Verdict: Zero

Juan Gonzalez
The Good: .295 career batting average, 434 home runs. ...Overcame rough start in Puerto Rico that probably involved this slum lord. ... Pretty cool nickname. ... Even better mustache. ... And even better eyebrows, at least in the above card.
The Bad: In the Mitchell Report. ... Been married almost as many times as Larry King. ... Friends with George W. Bush. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, made a lewd gesture on a card.
Verdict: Zero

Synopsis: Congratulations if you're actually still reading this. But no congrats to Upper Deck, which misfired on six of its eight "future heroes." Nice work, guys. What, you couldn't fit Rafael Palmeiro and Lenny Dykstra on here?

Future Heroes Checklist, 1993 Upper Deck

Juan Gonzalez, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 23)

Name: Juan Gonzalez
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A chicken, choked
Key 1990 stat: 42,910 inappropriate gestures
Top 10 slang names in the Rangers clubhouse for the, er, act Juan Gone is mimicking above:
10) Rube-in the Sierra
9) The Ranger Stranger (only after sitting on hand until it's numb)
8) The Ryan Express
7) Roughing the Hough
6) The Texas One-Step
5) Huson's First
4) Rosy Palmeiro
3) The Dirty Incaviglia (also just a nickname for Pete Incaviglia)
2) The Petralli Pet
1) The Julio Spank-o

Juan Gonzalez, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 23)

Juan Gonzalez, 1990 Donruss

Name: Juan Gonzalez
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Minus-1 cent
Key 1989 stat: 618 backward K's
ziuq poP:

Why is Juan Gonzalez backward?
A) He's not. He's wearing his "rally jersey."
B) He's not. He's taunting the pitcher by changing his number to e1.
C) He's not. That prankster Al Newman is just messing with your head.
D) He's not. That reverse 19 is just where Nolan Ryan branded him.
E) It's just a cardmaking error, you idiot. Stop giving us all these damn quizzes!

Juan Gonzalez, 1990 Donruss

Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Juan Gonzalez

Team: Texas Rangers

Position: Outfield

Value of card: The sweat after 10 sets of 10 curls, bro

Key 1993 stat: 12,590 inconspicuous biceps flexes

Clearing up some rumors about Juan Gonzalez:

• Gonzalez didn't have blood rushing through his veins. He had more muscles in them.
• Gonzalez didn't do steroids. He was born 6 feet 3 and 220 pounds with 23-inch biceps.
• Gonzalez didn't have a mullet. He had a giant mustache on his scalp and neck.
• Gonzalez didn't hang out in Puerto Rican bath houses. Except for this card. And on Tuesdays. And Saturdays. And ...
• Gonzalez didn't have a massive Adam's apple. That was his neck's biceps.

Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Upper Deck