Ricky Proehl, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 40)

Name: Ricky Proehl
Team: Phoenix Cardinals
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Three spikes from a cactus in the Arizona desert
Key 1990 stat: 18 inches of shirt tucked in
Let's take a look at Ricky Proehl, By the Numbers:

14: Inches of short-shorts
24: Inches of Spandex
34: Below-the-waist fashion choices that would have been wiser

48: Height of Michael Jordan's vertical leap
28: Height of a respectable vertical leap for a non-athlete
8: Height of Ricky Proehl's vertical leap

3: Wires it took to suspend Proehl for this card
4: Hours it took to get Proehl in the perfect position for this card
5: Pro Line executives who congratulated one another for this card
6: Collectors who still own this card

Ricky Proehl, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 40)

Jack Snow, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 180)

Name: Jack Snow
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Three melted snowflakes
Key 1971 stat: Several weeks of regret
Here's what Jack Snow stands for:

Jumping around like a ninny
Acting like a fool
Carrying the ball in way that's just begging for a strip
Kicking his legs in the air like a toddler

Strutting around like an idiot
Nosing ahead in the race for NFC's biggest jackass
Obeying every ridiculous command from the photographer
We didn't even get to his pasted-down hard part. Oh well.

Jack Snow, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 180)

Robin Yount, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 4)

Name: Robin Yount
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Positions: Outfield, dirt bike racer
Value of card: The dirt left in Yount's bike tires
Key 1991 stat: 118 airs caught
Script from Honda Powersports dirt bike commercial, circa 1992: "Whoooaa! Howdy, sports fans! This is Robin Yount, the most extreme baseball player who ever played the game and yelled all his sentences! (shot of Yount taking a bite out of a baseball) You know I like it to tear it up! I like to ride hard (shot of Yount riding a bike) and party harder! Woo-hooo! But I never mix riding and partying, because that would be a strikeout. (shot of Yount swinging, missing, falling down) Just kidding! I'm all about getting on my Honda dirt bike with 10 shots of Winner's Cup Vodka in my gut and two beers in my pockets* and hitting some jumps! Get some air, scabs, and get yourself a Honda dirt bike! Wooooo-hoooo!"

* Robin Yount and Honda in no way endorse drinking and riding (unless it's with your sister. Hey-o!).

Robin Yount, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 4)

Jim Gott, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 1)

Name: Jim Gott
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Pitcher, midair
Value of card: One crumbled cinder block
Key 1991 stat: Two flags judo-chopped
Let's kick off Pinnacle Sidelines Week: In 1992, cardmaker Score created a "premium" set that it named Pinnacle, and included a subset intended to highlight the off-the-field pastimes of some of baseball's stars and Jim Gott. Some players liked billiards, while others tended a family ranch, but they all had one thing in common: They were ridiculous. All this week, we're focusing on these Sidelines cards, truly the nadir of Pinnacle.
Here are 10 martial arts movies Jim Gott may have been starring in when the above photo was taken:
10) Crouching Tiger, Hidden Doofus
9) Fist of Futility
8) Kill Billy Martin: Vol. 1
7) House of Flying Dodgers
6) Shanghai Loon
5) Once Upon a Time in Some Dude's Basement
4) Enter the Dork
3) Kung Fu Pinhead
2) The Forbidden Kingdom (aka Tommy Lasorda's Bathroom)
1) The Karate You've Got to be Kidding

Jim Gott, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 1)

Randal Hill, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 19)

Name: Randal Hill
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Two jars of air
Key 1990 stat: 25 lazy afternoons spent lying on the grass, looking up at the sky and thinking, "That one looks like a Dolphin, an underachieving Dolphin."
It's time for another edition of The Caption, which we're told ran in a Miami-area newspaper in 1991: "Wide receiver Randal Hill leaps a tall goal post in a single bound Tuesday on a cloudy day never seen in Miami because the sun is always shining, the neon is always bright and the women are always shimmering in Miami, yes in Miami, while wearing skin-tight Spandex and one-quarter as much shirt as shorts in Miami, yes in Miami, while shamelessly plugging Nike Flight performance cleats in a blatant attempt to get his hands on a preorder pair of the newest Air Jordans, which would mean he got his hands on something at least once this season, in Miami, yes in Miami."

Randal Hill, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 19)

Ralph Boston, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 11)

Name: Ralph Boston
Event: Athletics Long jump
Medal count: One gold in 1960, one silver in 1964, one bronze in 1968
Value of card: 16 grains of sand
Key 1960 stat: Zero photographs of this mystery man's face
The Boston massacre: Oh, my god! Help him! Somebody, anybody! Help! Ralph Boston is sinking. A million sets of eyes are on him in Rome, and he might have leapt his last leap. It's 1960, and Boston is sinking into quicksand. Down he goes, feet first, then his massive calves and muscle-bound thighs. Soon, the bulge will disappear, followed as if on purpose by a giant, phallic No. 1. Then, he'll be forced to watch his own face go under. Grain by grain, it will be a sad day at the Olympics, the day Rome swallowed Boston.

Ralph Boston, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 11)

Bob Beamon, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 3)

Name: Bob Beamon

Event: Athletics? Really? How about "track and field," Olympic Cards?

Medal count: 1 gold

Value of card: 3 handfuls of Mexico City dirt

Key 1968 stat: World record long jump of approximately 417.6 feet

10 things Bob Beamon yelled while jumping: 

10) Cowabunga!

9) OOOOOOOOOOOO BABY!

8) Hola, Ciudad de Mexico!

7) This jump has parted my hair!

6) A.S. U.! Wait! S.U.A.! Wait! U.S.A.!

5) J-j-j-j-jockstrap!

4) This speed has me so high!

3) Oh em gee!

2) Takealookatmybulgeworld!

1) Heil!

Bob Beamon, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 3)

Melvin Nieves, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Melvin Nieves
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two photos of the same fake jump
Key 1993 stat: One hit-by-pitch
Hazing day: Rookies put up with a lot during training camp — being called names, being forced to eat dirt, and being made to wear jock straps on their heads. Melvin Nieves was no exception. On photo day, Bip Roberts and Tony Gwynn stole Nieves' jersey and played keepaway with it. Nieves, who had raised his flat top to maximum height and lathered on the bronzer in anticipation of the shoot, fought back tears and attempted to chase down his taken top. The Upper Deck photographer saw what was coming and climbed on top the fence just in time to watch Roberts chuck the jersey toward the stands. Nieves, wearing a a Padres shirt that he was forced to buy at the team store, jumped at the fence in an attempt to prevent his jersey from leaving the park. But, much like the talent needed to play in The Show, the jersey was out of his reach. Nieves couldn't catch his jersey, but the photog caught a great shot of a supremely untalented outfielder.

Melvin Nieves, 1994 Upper Deck

Shawn Kemp, 1991-92 Upper Deck (NBA Playoffs Week No. 4)

Name: Shawn Kemp

Team: Seattle SuperSonics

Position: Forward (with the ladies)

Value of card: Air

Key 1990-91 stat: 62 women impregnated

Clearing up some rumors about Shawn Kemp:

• Kemp doesn't just jump high. He is high.
• Kemp had an easy time conceiving new dunks. He had an easier time conceiving with women.
• Kemp was one of many pros who knew how to create. He was, however, alone in his capacity to procreate.
• Kemp wasn't a breed all his own. His breed was common after he bred so many times.
• Kemp didn't wear short-shorts. That's a large green jock strap, baby.
• Kemp didn't have thousands of young fans cheering for him at games. Those were his kids pleading for child-support payments.

Shawn Kemp, 1991-92 Upper Deck (NBA Playoffs Week No. 4)

Turk Wendell, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Turk Wendell

Team: Chicago Cubs

Value of card: Not as high as Wendell

Key 1993 stat: 36-inch vertical leap

Top 10 descriptions of how high Turk Wendell is:

10) Remember the last time you 'shroomed? He's higher than that.

9) He's approximately 14 times as high as his mullet is long.

8) High enough to brush his teeth between innings.

7) He had enough time in the air to come up with the name "Turk."

6) This high: "Whoa, bro. How'd I get up here?"

5) High enough to think the illustration of the pitcher in the bottom-left corner is a real person.

4) He was literally in the Upper Deck.

3) As high as his invisible surfboard would take him.

2) High enough to believe the baseline is made of anthrax.

1) One answer: Check out those high-tops.

Turk Wendell, 1994 Upper Deck

Gary Sheffield, 1991 Fleer Ultra

Name: Gary Sheffield

Team: Milwaukee Brewers

Position: Third base (written on card); second base or shortstop (actually playing in card)

Value of card: Not as high as Sheffield would indicate

Key 1990 stat: 46-inch vertical leap

It's time for a sky-high pop quiz:

What is Gary Sheffield doing?

(A) Covering up his little-kid braces, whatever it takes.

(B) Averting the slide of the silent member of the Bash Brothers.

(C) Doing something literally that his uncle Dwight Gooden did figuratively a few times every day, usually in an alley.

(D) Showing off his bulge to the fans on the second deck.

(E) Demonstrating the "ultraness" of Fleer Ultra.

(F) All of the above.

Gary Sheffield, 1991 Fleer Ultra

Kenny Lofton, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Basketball Week No. 5)

Name: Kenny Lofton

Team: The Camp Anawanna White Team

Position: Not above the rim

Value of card: Negative-seven sewed-on letters indicating team's name

Key 1992 stat: 112 layups rejected by the rim

Lofty expectations: In 1992, Kenny Lofton was one of the most feared base-stealers in the big leagues. He was making millions of dollars playing a sport, but it wasn't the sport he loved. His life was hardball, base hits and stirrups, but he craved roundball, fast breaks and short-shorts. He missed basketball, his favorite game as a youth, so he traded in his star status and million-dollar contract for a 15-day tryout with The Camp Anawanna White Team, a team of misfits in the NBA's D-League.

A short stint: Lofton had played basketball at the University of Arizona, but he had forgotten that at 5 feet 9 he had a distinct disadvantage in the game he loved. He missed layup after layup, bouncing the ball off the front of the rim. He would soar through the air, only to catch an elbow from a 7-footer rooted firmly on the ground. Finally, Lofton was cut from The Camp Anawanna White Team after a 116-point loss to the Chattanooga Chisels. He cried for hours in the locker room after the game, knowing he would have to leave behind a life of exposed thighs and fans' signs saluting his shorts.

Kenny Lofton, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Basketball Week No. 5)

Albert Belle, 1992 Score

Name: Albert Belle
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Left field
Value of card: One free visit to a chiropractor
Key 1991 stat: Three broken ribs
Albert gets his Belle rung: Everyone know Albert "Don't Call Me Joey" Belle was crazy. He threw baseballs at fans, hit Halloween vandals with his car and once smashed Kenny Lofton's boom box in the dugout after a failed at-bat. But when he took his rage out on the Fenway Park visitors locker room, one entity had had enough. The Green Monster, tired of Belle's childish antics, decided it was time for revenge. When Belle retreated to catch a deep fly ball off the bat of Wade Boggs, the Monster struck, jumping forward eight feet and striking Belle square in the back. The slugger fell to the ground in a heap; the Monster drew back to its usual spot, never to move again.

Albert Belle, 1992 Score

Delino DeShields, 1992 Leaf

Name: Delino DeShields

Team: Les Expos de Montreal

Position: Second base

Value of card: Not sure, but it's high

Key 1991 stat: 43-inch vertical leap

Go ahead and jump: Delino DeShields stole 463 bases in his career. That's an impressive number, but what made it more impressive was his gazelle-like running style. Deshields would prance down the line after a pitcher started his movement to the plate. DeShields' leaps were so long and graceful, he was able to beat out most throws from the catcher. When asked how he learned to run like this, DeShields' answer hearkened to his childhood: "Ever since I was a kid, I would imagine there were giant piles of crap in the base paths, so I would remember to run on the tips of my toes, not the balls of my feet. This led to the leaping." As the card above proves, this child's fantasy finally came true.

Delino DeShields, 1992 Leaf

Derek Jeter, 1992 Score Select

Name: Derek Jeter

Teams: New York Yankees, "The Man Show"

Position: Shortstop

Value of card: 8-point Nielson rating drop

Key 1991 stat: 9.5 feet in air

The objectification of Derek Jeter: Comedy Central had a fledgling hit. "The Man Show" starring Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Corolla was in its infancy, but viewers were tuning in. One of the main draws was a feature shown during the show's credits, "Girls on Trampolines." The running skit was what one would assume: attractive, scantily-clad women jumping and jiggling on a trampoline. The feedback from men ages 18 to 35 sprung up like, well, you know. But, as could be expected, female viewers were turned off. The Comedy Central brass brainstormed ideas and came up with what they thought was a solution to the skewed ratings. Hunky male athletes would be brought in to lure the ladies from trampolines once a month. The plan backfired. "Guys on Trampolines" proved a disaster, with a skin-and-bones Jeter, a buck-toothed Tom Henke and a mustached Rod Woodson ending the first skit, and nearly ending the show. "The Man Show" audience did let Comedy Central executives know they were appreciative that Jeter wore his uniform, instead of the jockstrap-and-headband combination that had been planned.

Derek Jeter, 1992 Score Select