Pete Gogolak, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 218)

Name: Pete Gogolak
Team: New York Giants
Position: Kicker
Value of card: 9 ounces of pond scum
Key 1970 stat: 17 field goals by that little dude in the corner
It's time for a pop quiz that's a kick:

Just what in the hell is a "Gogolak"?

(A) A lack of go-go.
(B) A caucasian kicker with a Hollywood smile.
(C) A hairdo you might not want to show off in public.
(D) A tiny, illustrated football player with no face mask and a bad attitude.
(E) None of the above.

Pete Gogolak, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 218)

Roy Gerela, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 210)

Name: Roy Gerela
Team: Houston Oilers
Position: Kicker
Value of card: 6 drops of oil
Key 1970 stat: 12 nights spent in the basement of the Alamo (behind him)
Here's what Roy Gerela stands for:

Rascally haircut for a rascally kicker
Oil covered his body on many nights spent alone
Younger than most players by looking at that hairdo

Gazing into the far beyond, he saw his future on a terrible sports card
Eyes strangely the same blinding color of his uniform and the sky
Rarely found time to comb his bangs between kicks
Everyman who most men would avoid
Little illustrated kicker in the corner was a much tougher dude
Adam's apple could serve as a shiv in a streetfight

Roy Gerela, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 210)

Morten Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 47)

Name: Morten Anderson
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Kicker
Value of card: 10 toenail clippings
Key 1990 stat: 240 hours spent perched on a goal post
Conversation between Pro Line photographer and Morten Anderson, circa 1990:
Pro Line Photographer: "Morten, Morten, will you please come down from there?"
Morten Anderson: "No. No, no, no, no. No!"
PLP: "Morten, please, this is supposed to be a professional photo shoot."
MA: "I don't wanna. I don't have to take some stupid picture if I don't wanna."
PLP: "Morten, this is written into your contract. Please, come down."
MA: "My mom says I don't have to do anything that I don't want to."
PLP: "Morten, this will be quick. Please come down and I'll take a photo and we'll be done. I'll even give you a candy bar."
MA: "Fine, I'll come down. But I'm not putting on any pants or combing my hair."
PLP: "Forget it. (shoots photo) We're done here."
MA: "But you promised me a candy bar!"

Morten Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 47)

Tom Dempsey, 1975 Topps Record Holders (Football Friday No. 207)

Name: Tom Dempsey
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Kicker
Value of card: Even trade for a dirt sandwich
Key 1974 stat: 219 kicks (in the pants)
Some of the records held by Tom Dempsey:

• Most cheeseburgers eaten in a quarter
• Volume of handlebar mustache in a game
• Number of women and children frightened in a season
• Least number of toes vs. most field goals in a career
• Most members of a biker gang mistaken for in a life

Tom Dempsey, 1975 Topps Record Holders (Football Friday No. 207)

Roy Gerela and David Ray, 1974 Topps NFL Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 201)

Names: Roy Gerela, David Ray
Teams: Pittsburgh Steelers, Los Angeles Rams
Positions: Kickers
Value of card: Either 2 ounces of steel or 2 ounces of ram dung
Key 1973 stat: 432,101 practice kicks when other players were playing football
It's time for an edition of The Matchup that's a kick:

Round 1: Eyes the ladies could swim in (Winner: Gerela)
Round 2: Mullet that could stop bullets (Winner: Ray)
Round 3: Chin that appears to have been broken a few times (Winner: Gerala)
Round 4: A part that needed a rake instead of a comb (Winner: Ray)
Round 5: Bangs that were bangin' (Winner: Gerela)
Round 6: Look of a serial killer (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Played in a city that still has a professional football team (Winner: Gerela)

Score: Gerela 4, Ray 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: In a battle of placekickers, Roy Gerela took first place and proved that he knew how to score.

Roy Gerela and David Ray, 1974 Topps NFL Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 201)

Chester Marcol and Bobby Howfield, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 199)

Names: Chester Marcol, Bobby Howfield
Teams: Green Bay Packers, New York Jets
Position: Kickers, both of 'em
Value of card: Four broken kicking tees
Key 1972 stats: Kicked a lot of field goals, or something
It's time for a special (teams) Matchup:

Round 1: Tiny little itsy-bitsy head (Winner: Marcol)
Round 2: Jersey airbrushed green even though he didn't switch teams (Winner: Marcol)
Round 3: Illuminated by the sweet, bright light of heaven itself (Winner: Howfield)
Round 4: Cultivated sideburns to make up for male-pattern baldness (Winner: Howfield)
Round 5: White-guy 'fro (Winner: Marcol)
Round 6: Could be mistaken for some sort of English gentleman (Winner: Howfield)
Round 7: Could be mistaken for a 12-year-old (Winner: Marcol)
Round 8: Mastered the art of posing in front of a tree (Winner: Tie)

Final score: Marcol 4, Howfield 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: It went down to the wire, but thanks to his boyish charm and needlessly retouched uniform, Chester Marcol split the uprights in this Matchup, sending Bobby Howfield and the Jets to another defeat. (Don't worry, they're used to it.)

Chester Marcol and Bobby Howfield, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 199)

Maury Buford, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 34)

Name: Maury Buford
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Punter
Value of card: Humiliation
Key 1991 stat: Two first names that fell out of fashion long ago
It's a Sunday Caption, which could have appeared in the Chicago Sun-Times in 1991, maybe: "Bears punter Maury Buford kneels on the ground and looks longingly after the group of offensive linemen who removed and stole his pants while calling him 'Barfy Muford' as the evening breeze ruffles his windbreaker and mullet Friday morning in Chicago."

Maury Buford, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 34)

Tom Dempsey, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 178)

Name: Tom Dempsey
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Big, fat kicker
Value of card: The grease at the bottom of a used McDonald's bag
Key 1972 stat: Played for an actual NFL team
Look and admire: This, ladies and gentlemen, is a professional athlete. Stand in awe of the grace, the power, the talent, the tight-fitting pants. See how his second chin helps steady his head as he lines up his kick. Admire the way his little hoof-like foot rises higher than his mega-sideburn, bowl-cut hairdo and into the sky, pointing in the direction he wants the ball to go. You don't think kickers are real football players? Well, Mr. Tom Dempsey would like to have a word with you      right after he finishes his second cheesesteak.

Tom Dempsey, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 178)

Gary Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 12)

Name: Gary Anderson
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Kicker
Value of card: 1 bushel of shaved leg hair
Key 1990 stat: Despite what you'd think, zero hours playing futbol
Here are some addictions Anderson kicked after this card was printed:

• His addiction to short-shorts.
• His addiction to combing his hair.
• His addiction to the ThighMaster.
• His addiction to stuffing his pants with a third massive sock.
• His addiction to one-bar helmets.
• His addiction to dressing like this when he went clubbin'.
• His addiction to crushing men's skulls between his power-pole thighs.
• His addiction to kicking addictions.

Gary Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 12)

Jim Breech and Jerry Rice, 1988 Topps Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 98)

Names: Jim Breech and Jerry Rice
Teams: Cincinnati Bengals™ and San Francisco 49ers™
Positions: Kicker and wide receiver
Value of card: 6 grains of rice
Key 1987: Lots and lots of scoring, if you know what we mean
It's time for what's sure to be a lopsided edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Career points (Winner: Rice)
Round 2: NFL records (Winner: Rice)
Round 3: Super Bowl victories (Winner: Rice)
Round 4: Hall of Fame inductions (Winner: Rice)
Round 5: Wealth accumulated (Winner: Rice)
Round 6: Loving relationships (Winner: Rice)
Round 7: Personal satisfaction after retirement (Winner: Rice)
Round 8: Probability of living into old age (Winner: Rice)
Round 9: Size 5 shoe (Winner: Breech)

Score: Rice 8, Breech 1

Synopsis: As usual, Rice dominated the competition. He won in all the major categories, barely breaking a sweat. But the Hall of Famer couldn't win the final round, when Breech squeezed his tiny size 7 kicking foot into a size 5 shoe because he thought it gave him better accuracy to get the ball between the uprights. Speaking of getting things "between the uprights," did we mention Rice scored a lot more than Breech?

Postscript: Wow, 100 Football Fridays. To think, when Football Fridays started the Internet didn't have nearly as much crap clogging it up. It has been a long trek, but don't expect the self-serving slop to stop focusing on the big guys in pads and helmets. Hut, hut ... hurl.

Jim Breech and Jerry Rice, 1988 Topps Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 98)

Chip Lohmiller, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week, No. 3)

Name: Chip Lohmiller
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Kicker
Value of card: A coupon for 50 cents off Rogaine
Key 1991 stat: One knot on head
Look out, above: There Chip Lohmiller was, having fun with the Pro Line crew, dancing the "YMCA" and showing off his new gray undershirt. Little did he know Redskins punter Kelly Goodburn was having a little fun of his own. Goodburn started aiming a few kicks into the middle of the shoot, throwing off Lohmiller's rhythm. "Knock it off!" Lohmiller yelled at him. "This is why you're not getting a card in this set, you jerk!" Lohmiller resumed dancing and posing, and the photog started snapping away. Among the shots he got was this one, taken half a second before one of Goodburn's punts landed directly on Lohmiller's hair peninsula, knocking him out cold. Thankfully, this was before the NFL cared about concussions, so the kicker was back at practice the next day, a little wobbly, but booting field goals and out-mamboing all comers.

Chip Lohmiller, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week, No. 3)

Nick Lowery, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 5)

Name: Nick Lowery
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Kicker, sock model
Value of card: Anything more than 2 cents would be a stretch
Key 1990 stat: 14 people blinded by pasty-white thighs
Transcript of Hanes tube socks commercial, circa 1990: "Hello, sports fans. Nick Lowery here, and I know you're going to get a kick out of Hanes' new tube socks. (Cut from stand-up shot of Lowery to him kicking a package of tube socks between uprights.) The good people at Hanes are experts when it comes to comforting your tootsies. Trust me. I depend on my feet for everything, from walking to the neighborhood leg shaver to creeping out my teammates with my stretches to putting the old pigskin between two phallic-looking pieces of steel. (Cut to shot of Lowery walking on the field in skin-tight short-shorts and knee-high socks.) I know what it takes to keep feet happy, and Hanes is certainly staying on its toes, so to speak, with its latest tube socks. Take it from me, a guy who has his kicks for a living: If you don't have Hanes tube socks on your feet, you've probably resorted to stuffing Hanes tube socks down your pants."

Nick Lowery, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 5)

Garo Yepremian, 1976 Topps (Football Friday No. 87)

Name: Garo Yepremian
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Kicker
Value of card: Back hair
Key 1976 stat: Fourth straight year without a haircut
Top 10 nicknames for Garo Yepremian in 1976:
10) The Bald Boot
9) Scumbag
8) That Guy Who's Always On The Blooper Reel
7) Sideburn Afro Man
6) The Chest Yeti
5) Squinty McCreeper
4) People's Sexiest Man of the Year
3) Weird Uncle Garo
2) The Furry Foot
1) Scare-o Yepremian

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Garo Yepremian, 1976 Topps (Football Friday No. 87)

David Treadwell, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 70)

Name: David Treadwell

Team: Denver Broncos

Position: Isn't it obvious?

Value of card: 3 ounces of foot powder

Key 1990 stat: 14 hamstring pulls

10 things you might not have known about David Treadwell:

10) He twice tried out for the Rockettes, but, alas, failed to make the squad.

9) For him, "splitting the uprights" was more than a sexual metaphor.

8) He's got legs, and he knows how to use them.

7) He single-handedly made tucking in a T-shirt unfashionable.

6) In the photo above, he's wearing skin-color leg warmers between his snow-white thighs and ankles.

5) His hair was made of semi-synthetic plastic.

4) Somewhere in there, there's a bulge.

3) This is how he waved hello to everyone he saw.

2) He once shot a punter just to watch him bleed.

1) He prefers to get his kicks in bathhouses.

David Treadwell, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 70)