Jim Palmer, 1973 Topps Boyhood Photos of the Stars

Names: Jimmy Palmer, Jim Palmer
Teams: Harrison Public School Aquanauts, Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Boy, ace
Value of card: One inner tube with a hole in it
Key 1972 stat: Two balks
Fun facts about Jimmy Palmer, circa 1954, and Jim Palmer, circa 1972:

• In 1954, Jimmy had a well-maintained, respectable haircut. In 1972, Jim had more hair than a chow chow on Rogaine.
•  In 1954, Jimmy liked to go for a swim down at the local watering hole. In 1972, Jim liked to go for a drink down at the local watering hole.
• In 1954, Jimmy wore a rubber inner tube for safety. In 1972, Jim usually didn't bother wearing rubbers for safety.
• In 1954, Jimmy occasionally posed shirtless for photos. A little after 1972, Jim started wearing even less.

Card submitted by Tyler Kepner

Jim Palmer, 1973 Topps Boyhood Photos of the Stars

Rod Beck, 1995 Score

Name: Rod Beck
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Closer
Value of card: Four used diapers
Key 1994 stat: 41 infants frightened
It's a man-child Matchup:

Round 1: Smells like they could use a change (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 2: Suffers from diaper rash (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 3: Fussy when tired (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 4: Prefers to sleep in a onesie (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 5: Sometimes vomits after eating (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 6: Often wants the bottle (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 7: Cries in the middle of the night (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 8: Chubby little arms and legs (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 9: Mustache (Winner: Beck)

Final score: Beck 1, baby 0 (Ties: 8)

Synopsis: As usual, Rod Beck took it right down to the wire before shutting down the opposition. Both participants celebrated by tucking something into their lips      a binky for the tot; a chew for the closer.

Rod Beck, 1995 Score

Tony Womack, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Name: Tony Womack
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Second base
Value of card: An ounce of Juicy Juice
Key 1997stat: Four binkies used (not counting his daughter's)
It's a father-daughter Matchup on the Bust:

Round 1: Bigger thirst (Winner: Father)
Round 2: More likely to wet themselves in half an hour (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: More stuffed animals owned (Winner: Daughter)
Round 4: More stuffed animals slept with at night (Winner: Father)
Round 5: Bigger base-stealing threat (Winner: Father)
Round 6: Bigger cookie-stealing threat (Winner: Also father)
Round 7: More likely to make you feel old when you realize she's probably, like, 18 now (Winner: Daughter)

Final score: Tony Womack 4, daughter 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Tony ran laps around his little girl, but that doesn't mean that little munchkin didn't steal our hearts. D'awwww.

Card submitted by John Stoddert

Tony Womack, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Tom McKinnon, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Tom McKinnon
Team: Long Beach Whiteshirts St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Pitcher, soon-to-be designated hitter 
Value of card: One unwashed undergarment
Key 1991 stat: Never smiled
Fun facts about Tom McKinnon and some guy you could pull off the street: 

• Some guy off the street would likely be better-dressed for photo day.
• Some guy off the street might also have had a chance at posting a 3-to-43 walk-to-strikeout ratio while batting in 1994.
• Some guy off the street probably had a high school picture taken with that same backdrop in the 1990s.
• Yeah, well, Tom McKinnon smashed 16 homers and made the all-star team in the independent Big South League in 1996! In your face, some guy off the street!

Tom McKinnon, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

John Jaha, 1998 Donruss

Name: John Jaha
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: First base
Value of card: 4 dirty diapers
Key 1997 stat: 4 dirty diapers changed
It's time for a baby-vs.-baseball player edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Often threw up when burped (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Sometimes dressed by others in ridiculous outfits (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Usually spoke in unintelligible sounds (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Known to fill a diaper with something nauseating (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Had adorable, pinchable thighs (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Failure to field his position (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: A fan favorite (Winner: Baby)

Score: Baby 1, Jaha 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: In a contest between baby and beer-bellied baseball player, the pudgy, cooing, often stinky entrant couldn't pull out the victory.

John Jaha, 1998 Donruss

Colin Charland, 1988 TCMA

Name: Colin Charland
Team: Palm Springs Angels
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six ounces of those little charred bits you have to scrape off the barbecue
Key 1987 stat: Made his own hat
California Angels scouting report on prospect Colin Charland: "Needs to work on curve, changeup, growing eyebrows. ... If baseball doesn't work out, he can always go back to middle school. ...  Geez, we really need to pitch in for some new uniforms down in Palm Springs. ... Says his favorite food is pizza. Fitting, since that's what his face looks like, too. ... His fastball sits in the low 90s. He, himself, usually sits alone in the cafeteria at lunch. ... The sky's the limit for this kid      especially once he starts his second career as a flight attendant."

Card submitted by Zach Jones

Colin Charland, 1988 TCMA

Karl Best, 1987 Donruss

Name: Karl Best
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: See that necklace? It's worth nothing even close to that.
Key 1986 stat: 122 fish caught at Pike Place Market
Some of the reasons Karl was "the Best":

• No one else wore a $4 mesh hat during a Mariners game.
• No other pitchers had serial killer eyes.
• No other 11th-graders made it onto a baseball card.
• No other Mariners spent their evenings bagging your groceries.
• No other Major League Baseball player had such an ironic last name.

Karl Best, 1987 Donruss

Gary Pettis, 1985 Topps

Name: "Gary Pettis"
Team: California Angels
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 14 plucked nose hairs
Key 1984 stat: One stand-in at the photo shoot
It's time for an angelic pop quiz:

What's "Gary Pettis" pointing at?

(A) His sixth-grade classmate.
(B) A handful of teammates making fun of this pose.
(C) Someone else with freakishly huge hands.
(D) He's not pointing; he's using the wrong finger to signal his dissatisfaction with this card.
(E) All of the above.

Gary Pettis, 1985 Topps

Levon Largusa, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Levon Largusa
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six mismatched Legos
Key 1992 stat: 12 minutes spent in timeout
Disregard seeing this: Dear readers, ignore this card. Pretend you never saw it. Look away as soon as possible. You see, Levon Largusa wasn't a big-leaguer. He was a kid who sneaked onto the field in a mesh jersey and his dad's old cap during the Blue Jays' photo day. The Topps photographer got confused and took this photo, and somehow the card ended up in the set. But we're not worried about Topps being upset about the mistake getting revived; we're worried about little Levon's mother hollering at us again about running a photo of her boy. We're sorry, Mrs. Largusa. It won't happen again.

Card contributed by Douglas Corti

Levon Largusa, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Will Clark, 1996 Upper Deck

Name: Will Clark
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: First base
Value of card: Rust
Key 1995 stat: Zero autographs signed with the name "Nuschler"
A few outtakes from Will Clark's autograph session:

• "Yes, Nancy, that is a bat in my pocket, and no, I'm not happy to see you."
• "To Matthew. Thanks for suggesting I use my cup to steady the ball. It's effective and pleasurable!"
• "Dear Bobby, no, I can't get you Juan Gonzalez's autograph. Jerk."
• "Nolan, it's kind of weird that you're pushing all these kids out of the way. Just come down on the field, already."
• "To Jenny: Yes, I'm aware my uniform vaguely resembles the American flag. Love it or leave it, lady."
• "For Mikey      gotta go, this cop is bringing me my coffee. Later!"

Will Clark, 1996 Upper Deck

Cal Ripken Jr., 1992 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Name: Cal Ripken Jr.
Team: Baltimore Orioles (about a decade after this photo was taken)
Positions: Shortstop; li'l stinker
Value of card: Two sticks of gum in a pack of baseball cards when Ripken was 11
Key fourth-grade stat: 22 hours in detention
Time for an elementary school pop quiz:

Why was young Cal Ripken Jr. in detention?

(A) He had a terrible attendance record.
(B) He got caught writing the F-word on his brother's bat.
(C) That sweater vest.
(D) He was reading "Iron Man" comic books in class.
(E) All of the above.

Cal Ripken Jr., 1992 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Salomon Torres, 1992 Bowman

Name: Salomon Torres
Team: San Francisco Giants
Positions: Pitcher, pitch man
Value of card: 3 ounces of 2-week-old leftover coffee grounds
Key 1991 stat: Zero of his high school sophomore year classes attended
Advertisement (mostly translated) for Dominican Republic beisbols, circa 1991: "Howdy, beisbol fans. I'm 15-year-old Salomon Torres, one of the Dominican Republic's brightest pitching prospects, and I'm here to tell you about beisbols. You might not have ever seen one of these round, white beisbols. We all grew up playing with rocks, rolled-up corn husks or goat feces wrapped in string, but now we have beisbols, the revolutionary invention that will allow us to become even better players in that hellhole to the north, Los Estados Unidos. So put down the dung and grab a beisbol, kid. In two years, with a little bit of 'bols, you might just be the next Salomon Torres."

Salomon Torres, 1992 Bowman

Butch Wynegar, 1977 Topps

Name: Butch Wynegar
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Two gold cups (actually, reproductions of them on a worthless baseball card)
Key 1976 stat: 12 marbles won during elementary school recess
It's time to ask: What are the chances?

What are the chances ...
Wynegar's mother called him "Harold": 93%
Wynegar started using the nickname "Butch" to sound more like a big-leaguer: 95%
Wynegar's charade was exposed by the signature on this card: 100%

What are the chances ...
Wynegar was drafted straight out of high school by the Twins: 90%
Wynegar was younger than 18 when he first played for the Twins: 92%
Wynegar had to study his sixth-grade multiplication tables after this photo shoot for the Twins: 94%

What are the chances ...
Wynegar inspired thousands with his babyface looks: 8%
Wynegar inspired hundreds of gingers with his orangish-red locks: 12%
Wynegar inspired fewer fans than were in the stands in this card: 98%

Butch Wynegar, 1977 Topps

Alex Gonzalez, 1992 Bowman

Name: Alex Gonzalez
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 10 of those shirt collar "stays" you're always losing
Key 1991 stat: 44 "Saved by the Bell" episodes watched
It's time for a 1990s-licious pop quiz:

Why did teenager Alex Gonzalez wear that tie?

(A) His mom told him to.
(B) To distract people from his shirt.
(C) It was Sears catalog photo shoot day.
(D) He wanted to prove his patriotism with something brighter than fireworks.
(E) He had an uproarious sense of humor.
(F) All of the above

Alex Gonzalez, 1992 Bowman

Mark McGwire, 1993 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: Farm League A's
Position: On one knee
Value of card: Awkwardness
Key 1992 1974 or so stat: Wore a glove made out of balsa wood
Ah, memories: Who does Mark McGwire look like in this charming photo?

A) Napoleon Dynamite
B) Mark McGwire's spinster aunt, Frances McGwire
C) That kid who had an asthma attack after getting wedgied in middle school (yeah, OK, that was us)
D) The most juiced-up 8-year-old in all of California
E) Somebody who would once hit 70 home runs in a season. In Nintendo R.B.I. Baseball, that is.

Mark McGwire, 1993 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Paul Byrd, 1992 Bowman

Name: Paul Byrd
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Free skee-ball game at Chuck E. Cheese
Key 1991 stat: Got owned in Tecmo Bowl 1,644 times
Cleveland Indians' scouting report on draft pick Paul Byrd: "I realize we're looking toward the future, but should we really be drafting 12-year-olds? ... Eats out of the same bowl his mom uses to cut his hair, which is both efficient and disgusting. ... Has a nice Uncle Charlie. No, not a curve ball      he has an uncle named Charlie who drives him to school every day. ... Hopefully, he'll be here for spring training. From the looks of this photo, he was last seen entering the Tron world via a JCPenney portrait studio. ... The kid seemed a little disappointed that our uniforms didn't include more denim. ... Needs to improve: change-up, pick-off move, bedwetting."

Paul Byrd, 1992 Bowman

Phil Simms, 1980 Topps (Football Friday No. 160)

Name: Phil Simms
Team: New York Giants
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One protein shake, spilled
Key 1980 stat: Weighed 135 pounds
Places you may have seen Phil Simms around the time the above photo was taken:

• In the middle school cafeteria, eating lunch
• Getting his booster shots at the pediatrician's office
• Trying to sneak into an R-rated movie with his buddies
• Sitting at the soda fountain, reading a comic book
• Waiting impatiently at the beach while his mother slathered sunscreen on him, and then getting sunburned anyway

Phil Simms, 1980 Topps (Football Friday No. 160)

Darren Daulton, 1993 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Name: Darren Daulton
Team: Butler County Farm Level All-Stars
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 15 minutes of detention
Key 1992 stat: Baseball card companies were still using this same background 
One, two, three: Keeping with the notion put forth by Donruss of the triple play, here are three strange things about li'l Dutch:

1. Despite being only 10 years old, Daulton had already been charged with his first of many DUIs.
2. Despite his olive skin, his mom decided it would be a good idea to throw an olive-colored shirt on him for school picture day. GOSH, THANKS, MOM!
3. Despite sporting a peasant's bowl haircut, Daulton is wearing a striped silk cravat, like some sort of French gentleman.

Darren Daulton, 1993 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Mariano Rivera, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 4)

Name: Mariano Rivera
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 17 peanut shells, stepped on
Key 1991 stat: Lived in a stadium
Today's fashion model: Here we see 14-year-old Mariano Rivera modeling the latest trends for junior boys. His cuffed and collared polo shirt featuring the logo of every NFL team can be found at finer Sears outlets near you, and it comes with a matching pajama set. His white Dockers are grass-stain resistant, making them fun and fashionable for him and easy to clean for his mom. Another point in these pants' favor: extra room in the crotch to help avoid any schooltime embarrassment      hold that Trapper Keeper up high, Mariano, no one's going to be able to tell what you've been thinking about!

Mariano Rivera, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 4)

Steve Kline, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Name: Steve Kline
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Reliever
Value of card: Two Canadian coins with ducks on them
Key 1997 stat: 44 body slams
10 professional wrestling names for Expos reliever Steve Kline:
10) The Montreal Mangler
9) The Canadian Crippler
8) The Handsome Hungarian
7) The Bully of Sixth-Graders
6) Kline B. Ware
5) One half of the tag-team champions The Dirty Expos
4) Steve the Not-So Giant
3) Steve Kline (one of those persona-less 1980s nobodys who lost every match and basically acted as punching bags for the stars)
2) Gobbledy Gooker
1) Junkyard Steve

Steve Kline, 1998 Fleer Ultra